Sex-Positive Celibacy and a Self-Wedding: Lilith, Lea and Makenzie

This episode briefly mentions intimate partner/domestic violence and touches on the feminist 4B movement. Keep listening or reading after the outro for a funny bonus BTS clip!

“Sex-Positive Celibacy and a Self-Wedding: Lilith, Lea and Makenzie”

a Girl Boner podcast transcript

Lilith: Part of supporting a society in which sex is celebrated, it’s also supporting the right to choose and the agency to have sex or to not have sex.

Lea: At some point I felt burnt out. That’s when I decided that I need to make a step back to have some time for myself.

Makenzie: I realized that I wanted a wedding so bad that I was willing to compromise on the partner, and I was like, well, that’s silly. I can just do it myself.

[encouraging, acoustic music]

August/narration:

Both Lilith Foxx and Lea Levi are sexuality experts whose journeys started with a lot of silence and shaming around sex and led to sex-positive celibacy. Podcast producer, Makenzie Mizell, married herself.

First, Lilith and Lea’s stories.

Lilith grew up in a “strict, purity culture-centered household, as the daughter of Iranian immigrants.

Lilith: So sex just was not a thing. We just pretended like it didn’t exist. I remember being like around 11 or 12 when I asked my mom like what sex was. And,  her reaction was immediate.

She completely came unglued. She lost it and said something to the effect of, “We don’t talk about things like that. Only bad girls think about those things. God will hate you.” And just went on this whole tirade.

And so I convinced myself that I had like ruined my mother’s day, like completely did something awful. And so desire in general then became shameful. And curiosity was shameful and like forget about pleasure at the end of all that.

It kind of continued to drive home to me that like sexuality wasn’t mine to explore. It was dangerous. It was something to be judged.

August/narration:

Lea grew up in the Soviet Union, where she learned similar things.

Lea: They said that there was no sex in the Soviet Union. And, it wasn’t true, but it was very taboo, the questions of your sexuality, it wasn’t something that you would discuss with your parents or at school. S

August/narration:

Lea was 6 years old when her first sex-related memory happened. She touched her body, felt pleasure, and then immediately felt shame.

Lea: Maybe I am rubbed on something by accident or whatever. It led to some sexual pleasure. Of course, I started doing it intentionally.

Feeling that I’m touching some uncharted waters that this is something that I shouldn’t do, that a good girl doesn’t do, that made me feel, ashamed of myself.

August/narration:

What Lilith learned about sex being bad shaped how she approached her body and relationships and even education, she said. Then in her teens, she became a survivor of sexual assault.

Lilith: I kind of had convinced myself at that point that I was used goods, of no value. So I might as well be the quote unquote “slut”  that I’m gonna be accused of being. At the same time though, I was allowing sex to happen to me and not something I was like actively involved in and, and having agency in.

August/narration:

As a young adult, those beliefs lingered on, and really affected her in terms of sex.

Lilith: And so I kind of hit a point in which I asked myself, I was like, why am I even doing this? Do I even enjoy this? There’s a drive there for me, and I enjoy that drive and I enjoy the connection that I feel afterward. But this like in between time needs to be something that I take more control of.

And so I got into sex work, actually. I was a dominatrix.   That completely reframed everything for me. I got involved in the kink community. Sexuality became a source of power for me.

I was able to sort of manipulate situations for myself, when it came to sexuality. And it was completely, within my control, within the framework of my consent. Learning and growing with my sex work clients, completely changed and reframed a lot of things for me. While it was still a journey to unlearn a lot of it and discover everything that’s, I think, where most of my unlearning started.

August/narration:

When Lea was a teen, someone outed her to her mother. And given how taboo sexuality was, she’d never even considered telling her mom about her orientation – that she like both girls and boys.

Lea: Someone saw me kissing a girl, and it’s Russia and Soviet Union and everybody’s amazingly homophobic there. And someone called my mom to tell that  they’ve seen it.

I remember the phone call, I remember my mom answering and I hear the person saying all this stuff. I remember me being petrified, but then my mom, and she’s religious and  uptight. And she listens to what they say and then she says, “Did my daughter or the other girl hit someone? Did they hurt someone? No? Okay, then I don’t mind because I think it’s just about love.” And then she hangs up.

At the end, they proved me wrong. I’m a really happy person. I was outed, but it was a good experience.

August/narration:

Later, Lea went through domestic violence, which was a huge reason she decided to pursue sexuality professionally. Today she’s a dating expert and psychologist.

After becoming a dominatrix, Lilith became a board-certified sexologist. And it was just a few years ago that both women sort of fell into celibacy.Lilith said it started out sort of accidental, and then became intentional.

Lilith: It was sort of one of those things where I realized I hadn’t dated anybody in a while and I hadn’t had sex in a while and I wasn’t missing it.

And so I kind of wanted to learn about that a little more and like why I was feeling that way. Because one of the things I teach  in my career is sex is a source of power and it’s, it’s a connecting thing. It’s a very positive thing. And so this felt very anti-sex positive to me, and it felt very, disconcerting.

So I wanted to understand my drive behind it and learn about it, not from a place of judgment.  Frankly, I was learning about it from a place of exhaustion. I was just kind of tired of the rigmarole of sex and relationships and dating, primarily.

I was facing a lot of neurodivergent burnout. There was a rough patch in my mental health, and just the emotional labor of living the life that I do as a non-monogamous person, as a kinky person. And so I kind of just hit a point where I needed to just pull my energy back inward. And it wasn’t like a punishment or to fix myself, but it was really to stop kind of the cycle of seeking validation.

Because even though I’m a whole-ass sexologist and I teach shame-free sex and positivity and all of that. I still struggled with a lot of my own internalized shame when it came to sex.

So I kind of sat down and I was like, you know, I’ve already gotten this far in terms of being celibate and practicing it, and I’m not even missing it. So why don’t I do this with intentionality?

So I wanted to do kind of like a energy detox in a way.  I wanted to regulate my nervous system. I wanted to kind of reconnect with pleasure outside of performance and just to be able to get pleasure with myself outside of other people’s validation and needing other people to connect with.

August/narration:

Lea considers the context around her decision, at least in part, the domestic violence she went through.

Lea: I think that my celibacy right now is about me understanding what I don’t want in a relationship.

Because I had different periods. Like a year when I was hooking up with, lots of people just because I wanted to regain and reclaim, my body to reclaim, you know, my pleasure. And then I was dating someone, let’s say it was a situationship. it was also really cool and I enjoyed it.

But time went by and I work a lot. I have a kid, I have two dogs. And the world isn’t a great place right now. There are many issues all over the world, and especially where I live.

At some point I felt burnt out. That’s when I decided that I need to make a step back to have some time for myself. And to look at myself and at everything from another perspective.

August/narration:

Burn out and self-reflection seem to be common threads in those who choose celibacy, and not for religious reasons. The dating app Flure recently released a survey that showed that 43% of adults have tried celibacy, 16% are open to it – for reasons like self-improvement and mental health.

Lilith only started identifying with the term celibacy recently, though her journey with it began about three years ago. She started hearing the term frequently in her work, as a sexologist.

Lilith: Clients actually came to me about celibacy. And they were kind of freaking out. They’re like, “I don’t know if I’m asexual. What does this mean?” I had to kind of  ground them a bit and say, “This doesn’t have to mean anything. This is just a stage of your life that you’re in.”

And I started to learn more about what they’re doing in South Korea with the 4B movement. And it was in direct protest to misogyny and everything that was happening there. Women are taking control of their sexuality and  choosing celibacy and no relationships.. And so that’s kind of carried over into the United States. I started seeing a lot of my clients embody that.

And that’s when I started to decide, okay, this needs to be an intentional decision because I also wanted to kind of have a case study of myself that I can learn about for my clients.

August/narration:

The 4B movement she mentioned is considered a feminist movement. It started in South Korea based on “Four Nos,” from a Korean term (bi) that means no. The four ‘nos’ being don’t date men, marry men, have sex with men, or have kids with men. It’s in response to things like misogyny and sexual violence that run rampant.

Choosing celibacy, for many people these days, especially women and nonbinary folks, isn’t about punishing yourself or denying sex from men as though men are more sexual than women; like women are the gatekeepers. If it were the case, it would be pretty aligned with purity culture teachings.  No matter your gender or orientation can have a rich sexuality, without having sex with anyone else – that’s more the premise.

Embracing that, if you choose to, may require “evolving your definition of sexuality,” Lilith said.

Lilith: …because being sex-positive doesn’t mean just pro having sex. It means pro-sexuality, however that may look.

Part of supporting a society in which sex is celebrated, it’s also supporting the right to choose and the agency to have sex or to not have sex.

August/narration:

That’s a shift Lilith had to work on herself.

Lilith: It first took me kind of expanding my own definition and communicating that to my clients of how do you define sex? And then how do you define pleasure? Because those two things definitely exist concurrently, they can definitely exist separately.

We can have pleasure in different contexts. And we can have sexuality and our connection to our sexuality in a different context as well.

For me, pleasure is seeking joy, sexuality is seeking some kind of intimate connection, be it with myself or with partners.

August/narration:

Lea landed on celibacy after an amicable breakup. By that time she had been survived the domestic violence relationship (that was about 8 years ago) and had a sexually explorative time with hookups and the like.

Lea: At the beginning, I was just not seeing anyone for a couple of months. I went on the dating app and I started chatting with people. I just understood that I don’t really wanna go out with anyone. I want to go out with me. I want to take myself on a date. I want to get to know myself because I realized that there are still some things I want to know about myself more, and I don’t really need another person to do that.

August/narration: 

Lea actually uses the Flure, the app that ran the celibacy survey. She said it makes mingling with people without sex being a part of it easy.

Lea: So everybody’s very respectful and you can say like, “Hey, I’m just chatting because I’m just exploring my options. I’m in celibacy. I’m not sure that I’m going to date anyone. I’m not sure that I want to go sexting or whatever.”

August/narration:

Every six months, Lea reassesses her decision. So far, she has stuck celibacy each time. And it’s helped her figure out her wants and needs.

Lea: I’ve been deciding through all this time, about what I really want in life, what kind of partner I want, and it made me realize that, for a really long time I was just, you know, having the bare minimum. And what I want is much more than bare minimum.

August/narration:

And even if she meets someone out at a party, or whatnot, she’s open about her status.

Lea: I don’t date. I really don’t, don’t want to date. I don’t want to go out with anyone.

I do masturbate sometimes, but, for some reason when I started, uh, my celibacy journey, my libido also dropped dramatically.

August/narration:

She thinks that may be partly because she’s perimenopausal – which often makes sexual desire more responsive than spontaneous. For some folks, it may mean a lower libido.

 Lea: But, when I ask myself, I think that it has, more to do with the fact that I really want to understand what I want in life, who I want to be with.

August/narration:

Like any sex or intimacy lifestyle, celibacy can have its challenges. For Lilith, those challenges have involved connection, orgasms, and a particular hormone.

Lilith: I definitely seek and still kind of desire connection with somebody because it is one of the ways that you really do deeply connect with somebody and like self-pleasure, while wonderful and is connecting and intimate, can only get you so far and is a very different way of seeking intimacy.

One of the things that is so interesting is prolactin is a hormone that comes out with sex. It happens with orgasm. But there’s 400 times more of it when you have partnered sex than solo. So it’s a very different sort of orgasm outcome.

August/narration:

Prolactin is one of the reasons you probably feel a sense of well-being and contentment after orgasmic sex.

Lilith: So I’ve definitely had the challenge of wanting that different kind of connection and orgasm, primarily because, being a sexologist, I look at the science of it. I’m like, oh, it’s prolactin that I’m missing.

Prolactin, it actually makes you feel sleepy. It makes you feel more connective. It’s a bonding hormone, kind of like oxytocin, but not quite as strong. And I wanted sort of, it felt like more of a fuller orgasm. And the challenge was missing that.

August/narration:

Her celibacy has also shed light on some lingering shame.

Lilith: The challenge also was sometimes, and even so I struggle with this, there is a little bit of an internalized shame with masturbation. Even the word masturbate comes from shame. That’s why I try to use like “self-pleasure” and “solo sex.” But there’s still that internalized, do I deserve this? Should I be doing this? That’s something I’m actively working through.

August/narration:

The benefits for Lilith have been pronounced.

Lilith: Dating is exhausting and primarily dating whenever you are at the intersection of alternative sexualities, like kink and non-monogamy just gets so much more complicated. And it was really nice to not have to worry about that, frankly. Occasionally, anytime I need to remind myself whether I am doing this for the right reasons, I just get back on a dating app for, I don’t know, an hour. And then I’m like, okay, no, definitely doing this for the right reasons. This is exhausting. I don’t wanna deal with this.

Also I’ve found that there is a better and stronger connection to myself and to my own pleasure because I’m responsible for it completely. I can’t just use the cop out of sex to get that fix. And masturbation can only get you so far.

So I have had to practice sort of what I preached when it comes to expanding definitions of pleasure and intimacy, and that’s been a challenge, but it’s also been a really fun challenge just to figure out what brings me pleasure and what brings me joy. So sort of a return to self in a way.

August: Yeah. Is there an example of something that’s brought you joy that you learned through this?

Lilith: Yeah, I really love taking a nap. Every day at 3:00 PM I take a 30 minute nap. ’cause in that time I would’ve probably been talking to a partner or, working or something.

I had to hunker down and really think about, okay, what brings me pleasure? What brings me joy? Let me try a nap and see if I enjoy that. so I took a nap and I’m like, wow, this is fantastic. Let me do this more. So it also gave me a lot of agency to try out different things.

Getting ice cream, you know, trying new sex toys, things that I had never like considered before.

August/narration:

Lea believes that her celibate time will make any she has in the future better.

Lea: It should affect the sex I have in the future because, when I think about not, going for the bare minimum, I also think that I want to meet someone who will understand the pleasure, who will understand the body language who will be able to listen to me and to tell me what they like.

I’m picturing a very mindful partner for myself. So I think it should, it should absolutely impact my sex life.

August/narration:

If or when that happens isn’t a concern for Lea.

Lea: I’m not in a rush and I just want to take my time, to understand and I don’t know how much time it’s going to take.

August/narration:

For Lilith, celibacy has already started to impact sex – which she now has every once in a while.

Lilith: I do have a partner who lives, in the UK, so long distance, and we definitely do have sex whenever we get together, but it’s very infrequent. I’m not dating others. Before meeting him I was totally celibate for like a couple of years.

My definition is of pleasure and of seeking pleasure are so much more expanded. It’s so much more intentional now because I’m not just having sex for the sake of having sex. When I do choose to have it, it’s so much more meaningful. It’s so much more intentional. it’s not coming from a place of having to just fix myself or ‘this is the validation I need.’

It’s coming from a very, like, equal standing of my partner, which is something that I really needed to, to drive home for myself. It’s actually led to my sex being much more pleasurable as a result.

August/narration:

While Lea feels she’s benefited, and continues benefiting, from celibacy, she says it’s definitely not for everyone or every stage of life.

Lea: I wouldn’t consider celibacy if I had a very strong sex drive, or if I was in the point of my life where I really wanted to feel my body, to do stuff with my body. You do need a partner for this. Also celibacy is probably not the best thing if you’re just in the beginning of a journey of exploring your pleasures, exploring what you want to have, exploring your desires.

August/narration:

For that, she recommends explorationships.

Lea: Just, be honest and, see where it goes.

August/narration:

If you think you may go for it with celibacy, Lilith suggested keeping a few things in mind:

Lilith: If you’re considering celibacy, or even just slowing down sexually, it’s not about deprivation, it’s about discernment. This is a journey to give yourself more clarity. And there’s something really deeply powerful about that. You’re kind of choosing to pause and tune into yourself.

Celibacy is not like a retreat from intimacy. It can actually be one of the most intimate acts you commit to. You’re choosing to know yourself, without distraction, without performance, and without an external feedback loop.

It doesn’t have to be an all or nothing either. Like for me, I still do have sex. It’s just very infrequent. It’s not like I’ve turned off celibacy. It’s not a zero to a hundred, I guess is what I’m trying to say. It can be a spectrum in and of itself.

You don’t even have to call it celibacy. You don’t even have to announce it. You don’t even have to know how long it’ll last. You just give yourself permission to rest. To ask, you know, what do I actually want? And listen for the answer without judgment. your sexuality is still valid, even when it’s quiet and even when it’s just yours.

 

Sponsor fun: Did you know that sex toys can make orgasms last longer? They also make Big Os more likely, if you’ve struggled in that department. Whether you use a toy alone or with a partner, I highly recommended having at least one you love in your pleasure toolbox. If you want to stock up on toys or your favorite lube, you can get free  — always discreet — shipping on orders over $75 at The Pleasure Chest. Simply head to thepleasurechest.com and search by category, for vibrators, strap-ons, kink accessories and more. Again that’s The Pleasure Chest at thepleasurechest.com.

 

August/narration:

So Makenzie Mizell, a podcast producer and one of my closest friends, relates to Lea’s and Lilith’s stories in various ways. Her rocky dating path led to a major, celebratory decision: to marry herself. I got to be there for the special day, and be a part of it.

August/narration:

About 10 years ago, when Makenzie was around 20, they realized they really wanted a wedding – but not a spouse. [Pachelbel’s Canon]

Makenzie: And I had a couple other friends who were single and I started to kind of put the idea out there and I was like, “well, ladies, what if we each pick out whatever dress we want and whatever flowers we want, and we’ll just do it at the park and we’ll just have, our own little self weddings. We can give ourselves exactly what we want. And then pretty soon after they each got into relationships and weren’t interested anymore.

And, it kind of fell by the wayside.

August/narration:

The idea resurfaced during a short relationship.

Makenzie: I was definitely getting love bombed.

August/narration:

They’d barely been dating when he brought up marriage.

Makenzie: Like, “Oh my gosh, our wedding. My mom would love to do this, that and the other.” And it just made me realize that I still had this strong sense that I wanted a wedding.

August/narration:

The relationship ended, but Makenzie’s thoughts about a wedding kept on.

Makenzie: I realized that I wanted a wedding so bad that I was like willing to compromise on the partner, and I was like, well, that’s silly. I can just do it. I just decided I was gonna just do it. I was gonna have my own wedding and essentially get it outta my system.

August/narration:

Makenzie got busy planning, starting with a secret ring.

Makenzie: I bought myself this massive – what’s the one that’s fake diamond cz, I think? It looked like Hailey Bieber’s engagement ring… And I’m anti-diamond, but I just had that sense that you kind of grow up with, of like, Ooh, I want a big flashy engagement ring.

It was damaged. So I got it for like $10 on Etsy. But I secretly got myself this big ring and for a couple months I wore it and I mostly just wore it around the house. I took it off if I was gonna leave the house ’cause I knew it was kooky, and had a couple months where I was just enjoying that thing that I always kind of wanted.

August/narration:

Then she bought her wedding ring, from a special independent shop.

Makenzie:  I just have a thing for rainbows, I always have. And so it is a series of teeny tiny little sapphire gems that all make a little rainbow.

August/narration:

Makenzie found their wedding dress on a thrift site.

Makenzie: I always kinda wanted to do something a little different. A mini dress just really felt right. It felt fun, it felt energetic.It is all tool, so it’s fluffy on top and fluffy on bottom.

August/narration:

As we were talking, Makenzie lit up.

August: It sounds like you felt engaged. Did you?

Makenzie: Oh yes, definitely. I really felt that sense of buildup. I love planning and organizing things and I was really enjoying, what felt like regular wedding planning to me. I was getting really excited about it with myself and it felt really good to have ideas and then say yes to those ideas.

August/narration:

Parts of the engagement period were tricky, though.

Makenzie: Before I married myself, there was definitely a shade of self-consciousness and I kept having to tell myself, “You’re eccentric and that’s okay. And you have been this way since you were little.” And that is a word that has always been used for me. And so I just kind of through that whole engagement period, anytime I would be like, is this stupid? Is this too much? Is everyone gonna think I’m crazy? I just had to go. You’re eccentric.

August/narration:

She stayed committed to that all the way up to the wedding day. The ceremony would take place in the courtyard outside their apartment building.

Makenzie: I’ve lived in some sketchy apartments around LA in my time, but the apartment I was living in when I married myself was absolutely beautiful. And so we had this courtyard with grass and a fountain and a bunch of tables with umbrellas and barbecues.

I remember first thing in the day running downstairs and I’d made little signs that said, reserved at 4:30 PM please. And I put those on some of the tables near where we wanted to have the ceremony.

August/narration:

A friend helped Makenzie put finishing touches on the cake. Then Makenzie got dressed. And the shoes they were were partly a gift, from her mom.

Makenzie: My mom kept thinking that I was crazy for marrying myself. At the last minute she was like, “Actually, I’ll go and have these with you on the sneakers that you want for your wedding.” So I had these bright white unworn Nike Air Force ones and I remember putting those on, putting on my little strapless mini dress and hoping that stayed in place, gathering everything I needed.

So I had party favors for the guests that I remember putting the finishing touches on and getting ready to put downstairs and working on my hair. And I had gotten some press on fake nails that had little daisies on them, which I felt really fit the vibe.

August/narration:

All the hustle and bustle of the day felt validating to Makenzie.

Makenzie: I realized how legit it was because I had been at so many other weddings and been with so many friends when they got married, and it really felt the same. It was the same level of rushing around and making sure everything’s perfect and getting photo-ready and getting all the decor done and getting all the food done. Somehow the fact that it was the same amount of stress as a quote unquote real wedding made it feel more real.

With the caveat that I kept telling myself over and over again the higher expectations you have, the more likely you are to be disappointed with the outcome. So I really tried to keep my dreams high, but my expectations low and I think that really helped me from feeling negative stress that day, and I really felt more energetic and excited stress.

August/narration:

That helped a lot, as the events began.

Makenzie: Everybody started arriving and everybody got there pretty much earlier on time. Which was kind of too bad ’cause I wasn’t done doing my hair, but whatever it is what it is. So my hair was imperfect. Oh no.

August/narration:

I thought her hair looked awesome, by the way. I arrived a bit early myself – partly because I had the honor of officiating. So I walked out onto the courtyard and joined her friends.

Makenzie: Everyone was there. It was a huge crowd.

August/narration:

There was one little hiccup, while we were all standing there waiting for the ceremony to start.

Makenzie: For some reason at one point I asked my friend, Angie, to hold onto my ring, and then right as we were about to start, I realized that she had left with the ring.

So I had to call her and have her rush back and give the ring back to me. But we got it back in time.

August: You had like a self romcom.

Makenzie: Yeah, I did. I did. [laughs]

August/narration:

By the way something else funny happened with the ring. Keep listening after the show for that.

Anyway, once the ring was back, the ceremony started in front of this colorful archway Makenzie had made.

Makenzie: We got everybody’s attention and everybody was so sweet. They were so locked in.

I definitely remember feeling nervous. I remember feeling it in my body. I was legit wedding nervous, I remember being a little bit unsure of where to look because you’re normally like looking at your partner and I didn’t wanna like look you in the eye while you were doing this script because I wasn’t marrying you.

August: And you don’t wanna hold a mirror. Yeah.

Makenzie: Yeah. Oh, see that, that actually may have solved it.

August/narration:

Makenzie had spent weeks or months working on the script for it, infusing it with personal meaning.

Makenzie: Something really central to me is Pema Chödron and Tibetan Buddhism. anyone who knows me knows that I have just an arm full of mental health problems, depression, specifically, trigger warning, lots of suicidal ideation.

Tibetan Buddhism specifically the way that Pema Chödron teaches it it really saved me, genuinely at my lowest by teaching me to love myself. You don’t have to turn to any outside person or outside God for this. It’s all internal and it’s all about cultivating a love for yourself. And if you can truly love yourself, you can truly love others and love the world.

I’m not religious, but Maitrī, loving kindness, that is so central to who I am and it’s why I am here today. That became a really central part of forming these vows.

August/narration:

Before we got to the vows, also in Pema fashion, Makenzie had me lead a guided meditation.

Makenzie: I remember that being really lovely because everybody kind of took it seriously. I looked out at the group and everybody closed their eyes and breathed and went through the meditation with us.

August/narration:

Then one of Makenzie’s best friends, Ali, performed a special ritual.

Makenzie: Since I’m Celtic and kind of witchy and there’s, there’s so much symbolism in this, I wanted her to help me do a Celtic hand fasting, which is when someone’s getting married, you bind those two people’s hands together with a cord or a ribbon.

And then what I was not expecting was she stopped… I’m tearing up thinking about it. She stopped and gave a speech and she’s not a performer, she’s not a big public speech person, so like it meant even more to me, She just took a minute to talk about the way that she’s seen me grow over the course of our friendship and what this means to me, and how healthy she thinks this move is for me.

And that meant so much because she’s not as whimsical as I am. And she very easily could have looked at this and gone, oh my gosh, Makenzie’s being Makenzie, and instead she put herself out there and put her heart into it. That was so special to me.

August/narration:

Then it was time for the vows. They went like this:

August: I will extend unconditional friendliness towards my own mind.

Makenzie: I will extend unconditional friendliness towards my own mind.

August: Through the ups and downs of the eight worldly concerns.

Makenzie: Through pleasure and pain.

August: Loss and gain.

Makenzie: Praise and blame.

August: Insignificance and fame.

Makenzie: Insignificance and fame.

August/narration:

Then it was time to…not kiss the bride?

Makenzie:  I put my ring on myself. And then for the pronouncement, You said, “I now pronounce you married.” And then since I can’t kiss myself, what we decided to do was confetti. So we made sure that a couple people in the group had confetti. My friend Bob brought his own from home.

August/narration:

Then, Lizzo’s song, “Truth Hurts,” played. Super appropriate, given the music video for the song. [sassy, urban music: “Ain’t Takin’ None of This”]

Makenzie: The whole premise of it is that it’s her wedding day and she’s getting married, and then she gets up to the altar and it’s just another version of her.

So it’s just Lizzo marrying Lizzo. And that whole song is about self-acceptance and self-love and understanding what you deserve and raising your standards.

And so when you said that you pronounced me married, everybody in the crowd popped their confetti and Allie hit play on “Truth Hurts” by Lizzo and everyone cheered.

August/narration:

Then the party started.

Makenzie: Of course, in Makenzie fashion, I had to jump in the pool in my wedding dress, not with my nice new sneakers on. Don’t worry.

I took a piece of wedding cake and smashed it in my own face. Everybody brought food and we just ate and laughed and talked and listened to music.

Then something that stuck out to me a person who lived in my building who I had seen around a couple times came up to me. He stopped me and he asked, “Oh, did, did you marry yourself?”

I was like, “Yeah, I did!” And I was all high on like party energy it felt like this, moment of, ooh, this little kind of dessert, where I get to like stop and digest everything. ‘Cause he asked me all these questions about it. And it was really fun to still be in party mode and have people starting to trail out and sit down and just take like five minutes or so to just go through, this is why I did it and this is how I planned it, and this is who these people are around me, while in this sort of afterglow of, Ooh, I wasn’t crazy, this was the right choice, even if it does make me a little weird.

August/narration:

The afterglow of the day lingered on afterwards.

Makenzie: There definitely was a sense of pride. What did I technically do? I threw a party. But in my heart, what did I feel like I did? I genuinely made a commitment to always put myself first, and that’s not selfish. That’s healthy.

It genuinely scratched the itch. The way that your wedding day is built up in your mind from day one when you’re socialized as a woman, people are asking you before you’re in grade school questions about weddings and getting married. You are always building towards that moment of finding your Prince charming, quote unquote, and having your big, spectacular, beautiful wedding day. After that day, I truly felt a sense of relief.

August/narration:

The experience even helped Makenzie walk away from a relationship last year.

Makenzie: It was so easy for me to go, Ooh, I’m not totally feeling like we’re aligned.

It was so easy to step away from that because from day one, there was no carrot dangling of, if I do a good enough job at being this guy’s girlfriend, I will one day earn a engagement ring and I will earn this big, beautiful wedding. That pressure was gone.

My ability to speak up for myself, set boundaries, and be clear about what I wanted and didn’t want the whole time. It was so much easier without feeling like I was being held hostage, like my dream wedding is behind this emotional paywall of dealing with a person who’s not the right person for me.

August/narration:

These days, Makenzie’s sparkly, rainbow ring serves as an important reminder.

Makenzie: I’ve noticed that if I’m at parties or events or whatever, if I start to feel in my body, Ooh, I feel attracted to this person. My interest is peaked. I like them. I have this like need to like fidget with the ring. I can touch it and feel it and say, I might be feeling attraction to this person, but I’m married to me. I might date them. I might make out with them.

August/narration:

But she won’t, she’s decided, go further that yet. For now, anyway. Remember the 4B movement Lilith mentioned? Makenzie aligns themselves with it – not in a man-hating way or an anti-trans way – she’s heard about both takes.

Makenzie: I align myself with four B as an act of protest, and I am not going to have sex with men until this political shit storm is over.

The self marriage combined with adopting this 4B abstinence from having men in my life in a dating marriage babies kind of way has really taken a lot of stress off. And who knows how much of that was self-inflicted. There’s so much you put on yourself in relationships.

When you redefine what the goal is, it’s a lot easier to be happy. And I feel that that’s kind of part of what I did with the self-wedding.

August/narration:

If you are interested in marrying yourself, no matter where it might lead, Makenzie offered this advice:

Makenzie: First of all, fuck what anybody thinks of you or expects of you. There’s no point in wasting any stress.

I mean, the number of curmudgeon-y older women who have gone, “Oh my gosh, you married yourself. I wish I would’ve married myself. I’m 70, whatever, and I’m never getting married again.” These people who I thought would’ve read me to filth for this have been just nothing but congratulatory.

So the number one thing is like, don’t be afraid at all. People are not gonna judge you the way that you think that they will judge you.

I would also say, put your heart into planning it like it is a real wedding. Go all out. I can’t tell you how healthy it was for me to just go full out with my wedding, which by the way, I was super broke at the time and I think I spent two or $300. If you’re not renting a proper wedding venue and telling people that the cake is for a wedding, the cost is not crazy.

If you think you are not a good candidate for it, I would just challenge that. We all love celebrating ourselves on our birthdays, and we all feel good from meditations that are based on self-love. A wedding is just kind of a step beyond all that. And just like a public declaration that you love yourself.

Don’t sell yourself short. If it sounds kind of fun, just do it. It doesn’t hurt anything or anybody.

[acoustic chord riff]

Learn more about this episode’s storytellers in the show notes.

Here’s what Lilith Foxx wanted you to know about her sexology work:

Lilith: My work lives at the intersection of sexuality, neurodivergence kink, disability and cultural identity, and as a board certified sexologist and educator, I teach from my lived experience as much as my professional training, and that includes the quiet seasons like celibacy.

My goal is to create inclusive and affirming spaces for people to explore desire and boundaries and communication and identity sort of at their own pace. And that’s whether they’re a high libido person that, that has sex all the time, or they’re an asexual person and everybody in between.

August/narration:

Lea didn’t share anything to promote, but she does recommend checking out the Flure app.

Makenzie asked that instead of checking out her site, that you take a stand in some way to shift our political climate.

Makenzie: Please just take that energy and instead put it into calling your representative or signing a petition online. Get loud and get active please, because things are really hard right now, but it’s not too late yet.

[acoustic chord riff]

August/narration:

If you appreciated this Girl Boner Radio episode, I would love it if you’d post a rating on Spotify or Apple Podcasts or share a link with your friends. Thanks so much for listening.

*****

Bonus clip (a BTS giggle!):

August: Do you remember that you sent the ring to my house?

Makenzie: Oh yeah… Because everybody would always steal our mail at my building. Yeah.

August: So what happened was you had mentioned that to me. I was totally fine with it, but then I just sort of wasn’t thinking about it.

Makenzie: Mm-hmm.

August: I think a lot was going on that week or something and the package arrived and I didn’t know what it was, and I opened it and I saw this beautiful ring. And at first I thought Mike sent me a ring.

Makenzie: Aw.

August: I was like, oh my gosh. So sweet! So Makenzie, I was wearing your ring.

Makenzie: I love this.

August: And then I text Mik: “Oh my gosh, thank you for the gift!” He’s like, “What are you talking about?”

“This beautiful ring!” “I did not send you a ring.” And then I got super nervous ’cause I thought somebody sent me this beautiful ring,

Makenzie: Some secret admirer or something?

August: Yes, but nobody has my address and I have my address hidden and I’m really private about my personal details. So then I thought, a stalker sent me a beautiful ring!

Suddenly I had clarity that, oh my gosh, this is Makenzie’s wedding ring and I am wearing it! And I felt so bad that I was wearing your ring. I was the first person to wear your wedding ring!

Makenzie: Oh, that’s actually perfect. Aw.

August: Oh my gosh. When I told Mike, he’s like, “you’ve been walking around wearing your friend’s wedding ring and you’re her. You’re officiating the wedding and you didn’t realize you’re wearing her wedding ring.”

Makenzie: Oh my god. That’s so funny. That’s true. You were officiating, so you received a wedding ring and at no point did you go, oh!

August: Oh no. I was like, “This is mine and I love it.”

Makenzie: I love it.

August: You’re so sweet. Imagine if I showed up and I was wearing it and you’re like, “Um, August…”

Makenzie: Yeah, but I would’ve just been like, “Um, reminder!”

August: You’re so understanding. Ah, I couldn’t believe I did that.

Makenzie: I never saw that movie “Love Actually” until recently. It just makes me think of that part where the husband buys the ring for the mistress and then the wife finds it and thinks it’s hers.

August: Yes! It could have been even more drama. If I hadn’t realized, who knows what would’ve happened?

Makenzie: I am glad we’re all just a bunch of good natured people, so it was all laughs and no drama. That’s so funny that you were like, a stalker! A stalker sent me a ring.

August: It’s either a beautiful gift or it’s a stalker. There’s nowhere in between.

Makenzie: No. Oh my gosh. I love it so much.

*****

August: By the way, if you’re wondering why I didn’t tell Makenzie about this until now it’s because I thought she might give it to me, since I loved it so much. When I shared that after this follow up chat, they were like, “Yeah, that tracks. I could see myself doing that.”