Rose Caraway had just launched her erotica podcast when she received an email from a listener with a compelling request: Would she share a story about cuckolding? That question, paired with a book she considers a “cuckolding bible,” led her down a spicy and loving path—after a bit of confusion.
Learn much more in this week’s Girl Boner Radio episode!
“Cuckolding and Erotica with Kiss Me Quick’s Rose Caraway”
a lightly edited Girl Boner Radio transcript
Cuckolding. It sort of started with cuckoo birds. Or at least that’s where the word comes from. [cuckoo birds chirping]
Apparently female cuckoo birds are sneaky little critters. They have a reputation for sneaking into other birds’ nests to lay their eggs, to pass the responsibilities of chick-rearing off to another mama.
Back in medieval times, folks started using the word cuckold to describe a man with an unfaithful wife…once the man ended up raising a kid who obviously had a different bio dad. [male voice, clearing throat]
Today, cuckolding describes a common sexual fantasy, that usually involves a man imagining his wife or partner geting busy with someone outside of the relationship—often, but not always, another guy.
If you share this fantasy (watching or being watched), it could be for any number of valid reasons for it:
For one, cuckolding can draw up big time compersion, when you get off on or experience big big time joy from your partner’s pleasure.
Cuckolding also taps into the taboo, given that it’s outside of social norms and what many folks learn about “appropriate” sex. And that secret taboo-ness (totally a word) can make sexual experiences smolder.
[fire crackling, spicy moans]
Some people also get turned on by the sense of competition cuckolding can bring. You see your wife or partner getting it on with someone else, and you’re suddenly super turned on by the notion of out-sexing them. You want to win, to make her scream louder.
[turned on female voice]
In a Kinsey Institute survey involving 4,000 men, 58% of the men said they’d fantasized about sharing their partner with another guy. Some research shows that about half as many long for the same. And many women and femmes seem to enjoy the notion of being watched, or having more than just one person vying for their lust.
In an article for Esquire Girl on the Net wrote, “finding a partner who gets turned on by watching me shag other people sounds like the sex equivalent of winning the lottery.”
[jackpot win music]
Some folks might hear all of this and think, but isn’t that cheating? Well, it’s not if it’s consensual. And for many cuckolding fans, it isn’t about acting on it, but delighting in the fantasy.
Rose Caraway, audiobook narrator, eroticist, and host of the Kiss Me Quick’s Erotica Podcast, is living proof.
She and her husband met in 1995 and got married a few years later. And he remains the only man she’s ever had sex with—outside of her imagination, anyway.
Shortly after Rose started her podcast, in 2011, she received an intriguing email from a listener.
It was our very first email that we ever got. And they had requested that I write a cuckold story, and I had no idea what it was.
When she realized the very basics of what it entailed, she wasn’t exactly enthralled.
I was shocked and a little scared. And I felt that it was something that was kind of unbelievable. That it was something that you would only hear about in the darkest and the seediest corners of the world.
Something told Rose it was worth learning more about, though. The listener asked if he could send her some videos for her reference.
I was a little bit nervous, because you never know what videos someone is going to send to you.
Ain’t that the truth. She told him to go ahead and send them, though. [email alert] Once they arrived, she and her husband sat down to watch them together. [sexy drumming]
And you know, all those emotions kind of came in, like, ‘Wow, people are allowed to do that? That doesn’t seem sex positive.’
Still, Rose was curious. The whole idea was tapping into fantasies both she and her husband had, but hadn’t had vocabulary for. Then she connected with Dr. David Ley and found his book, Insatiable Wives: the Women who Stray and Men who Love Them.
And that book really is sort of like a bible of information for cuckolding.
Paired with the videos, the book really helped things start “clicking into place,” she said. Which isn’t to say she was all in at first.
And so we started talking about it. And all truth be told was, it felt a little threatening.
Of course, my husband wasn’t feeling this way, but it was just what I felt when he said, you know, “Do you want to play this out?” My brain just kind of went to, does he really want me to step outside of our marriage and have sex with other men and he watches?
My mind just went to the uber negative of that, rather than the safety that is found within the privacy of your own room within the realm of fantasy. I was very standoffish about it.
So we talked about it a little bit more. And, you know, reading “Insatiable Wives” really helped me understand that this is a very common fantasy. And it isn’t men trying to use their wives as six tools. That has happened, but that’s not what you know, the good people who live this lifestyle promote. It’s all about female empowerment and her satisfaction.
That’s right, cuckolding is a lifestyle for some.
And it’s a very welcoming community that doesn’t require you to have to live the lifestyle in real life. So I was quite relieved with that. The cuckold community, they have been very open armed with me, and really sort of affirmed, I can be confident and comfortable playing within this fantasy at home.
And so we started playing with it a little bit at a time, you know, kind of getting comfortable bringing in more sex toys than maybe you would ordinarily have. So now I’ve got various dildos that I play with, and they’re all my friends, and my husband will watch or he’ll participate.
Dildos and other toys often help cuckolding fantasies play out, especially for couples who embrace sexual monogamy. You can act out sex with another person role play-style as your partner watches, or vice versa.
Rose told me she and her husband are working a bit of humiliation play in as well. And while they’re still feeling their way into all of this, they’ve grown comfortable — and hot — with “who am I pretending to have sex with now” type scenarios.
Above all, these experiences, along with the erotica she creates and shares, have shown Rose how powerful fantasies truly are.
Boy, fantasy has really highlighted our sexual lives. It is a big part of who we are sexually.
Our biggest erogenous zone is our brain. And if you can’t turn your brain on, the physicality is practically impossible. Fantasy is so important. And I know that it’s hard, like some fantasies are difficult to process – you know, especially cuckolding.
Some women feel threatened by it. I know I did. We’re taught to be monogamous. We’re taught we should wait to get married before we have sex. But fantasy lets you play. It lets you explore in ways that you don’t have to actually live out in real life. You can pretend.
Find a dildo that you really like and you can pretend it’s I don’t know, Jason Momoa. Or, or maybe some giant dragon that you want to make babies with. I don’t know. Like pick your poison, you know, it’s up to you. It’s limitless. Your imagination is limitless.
And when you’re married, and you’re happy, you’re happy to be married, like my husband and we sort of represent much of the world: We’re married, we have children, we are monogamous. We’ve been together for 27 years or something like that. And we’re still in love and in lust with one another.
And I think it’s because we share our fantasies. We talk about them. We are willing to explore them. It makes our trust bond with each other stronger. And our lives are much broader in the bedroom because we allow fantasy to play out. I don’t think that there’s anything more powerful that can happen between a couple.
[acoustic, encouraging music]
Erotic stories can be a powerful way to turn up the heat with a partner as well, whether you lean on stories you’ve conjured up yourself or by someone else. And Rose recommends them if you want to explore your fantasies or discover new ones—as long as you keep them in perspective.
What erotica can do—though we shouldn’t follow it as a how to manual we have to be very clear on that, because this is fantasy, this is fiction—it can give you language to use. It can help fantasies become clearer and better focused.
And that’s what we have discovered both my husband and I, through just my erotic writings and through narrating all these audiobooks. It’s incredible, the stories and the characters that these incredibly talented people can come up with.
In particular, she recommends erotica anthologies, especially if you’re new to this medium. She told me that one of the wildest erotica stories she has experienced involved sex with Godzilla. Yes, the enormous prehistoric sea monster. [sea monster growl + water splash]
It appears in the 2011 anthology, Gotta Have It: 69 Stories of Sudden Sex, edited by Rachel Kramer Bussell.
I had no idea that that could be a thing. And now I’ve learned that there’s all kinds of monster erotica, dinosaur erotica, all kinds of crazy, wacky adventurous things. Some are a little tongue in cheek and if you’re willing to have fun with it, there’s probably a dildo for it. Like, you can do these things. [laughs]
I love that so much. That is such a quotable line right there. I love it. Do you remember anything from that Godzilla story that stands out to you?
It was an unusual story. And so I think that that’s really what struck me first and foremost, because you’re used to, like BDSM sex scenes in in erotica. But this one was featuring Godzilla and a woman on her apartment bed.
Oh, and I think she even put on goggles because she knew that the eruption of cum that would come at her would be excessive and fill her apartment. So she was prepared with her goggles. And that was quite entertaining.
But he ended up like masturbating her with his giant claw, which was unusual as well and might be a little cringy for some, but it was just a hell of an entertaining element to this story.
His sperm does end up making its way inside of her. And I just remember the character reveling in the idea of birthing Godzilla babies. [growl + baby whimper] And that story, it really just made me grin. It really speaks to the boundlessness that is our fantasy selves, our erotic selves.
Indeed. And yes, you can work Godzilla into your cuckolding play. I mean, imagine the costume potential alone… [sea monster roar + human moan]
Rose penned a story of her own that appears in the newer anthology that we talked about last week, The Big Book of Orgasms, Volume Two, also edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel. It’s called “Mars Abuzz” and it features the first beekeeper on Mars. Rose is actually studying to be a master beekeeper in real life right now. And that is not the only aspect of her life she pulled into the story.
What spoke to me with that was it would be a way of making Mars like my home. Nothing is really your home until something grows there. And I thought, well, I want love to grow there. But I also want plants to grow there.
I just wanted this character to bring a bunch of hives to Mars. And meanwhile, her husband is working there, colonizing and building the infrastructure there. And she finally gets to meet up with him. And, you know, he kneels down right before the sex scene, and he kneels down and puts his face right at her groin and just says, “This is what home feels like to me.” And that’s something that my husband has said to me.
And so I brought a little bit of the play between my husband and I. That was a very sort of gravitational moment that I felt with him personally, to be there, next to my womb, and where he penetrates me and loves me immensely. And for him to say that that’s an area where he feels like his home felt very deep. And so that’s what I wanted the male character to have, too.
And then for her, it was sort of taking from him. And so him being a submissive, making him lie down and then she drizzles honey from her hives over his skin and sits atop his erection and, and she feels the sticky, the clinging of her skin to his. and that’s, That’s the moment where she feels like she has finally come home with her husband. So it’s all about love and coming home.
[encouraging, acoustic music]
So much of your life is about sexy stories and, and telling these stories and helping folks hear these stories. Obviously this led into the cuckolding community and all of that play, but for you personally in your own sexuality, how has this work influenced you?
It has made me comfortable as a sexual woman. I feel like I am partially an instrument for others. Because I have found comfort and power in erotica and erotic fantasy, I want to help people be confident and comfortable within their sexual selves and to enjoy their journey. And to find a way to express their desire within themselves, to understand it and then to communicate that, if they have a partner.
You know, I’ve been doing this since 2011. But before that, I have always been a dreamer. And 90% of my dreams are erotic in nature, since I was very young. And I think that that was in part due to me just trying to figure out who I am and what I want. And I knew that I wanted a single partner, a single man. And part of that is the nurture. That’s how we were brought up. But my sexual capacity, I think I can only handle one man in my life [laughs], and my husband more than aptly fulfills me there.
I knew that that’s what I wanted, but more than that, I wanted to share my fantastical self with somebody. I wanted to be able to entrust my dreams you know, maybe they’re childish. Maybe they’re immature, maybe they’re extravagant. That fantastical part of myself. I wanted someone to share that with.
And I find that I am fulfilled there within my Kiss Me Quick’s podcast, because I get to write all of my dreams down that I have, put them in a story form so that they’re listened to by my lurid listeners. [laughs]
I have grown immensely there myself. I thought, Oh, I would never want to share myself erotically or sexually with another human. But I am playing with that with my husband in the realm of fantasy, and it’s because of erotica.
If you’d like to start working erotic stories into cuckolding play, Rose said it’s important to be receptive and willing to really listen to your partner.
It’s a two-way street. If, say, you’re a woman looking for something to turn you on, you have to be willing to explore. It can be a little confrontational. But if you can just be confident within yourself and let your fear kind of go on the wayside a little bit, just be open. I think that that’s one of the things that erotica really can help with.
Fear is within us for a good reason. It helps protect us. But erotica can keep you safe. Maybe you won’t like every story. Maybe something doesn’t fit within your fantasy world. But we have this knack for being able to receive fantasy because it’s not real. It’s not confronting you like real world stuff will. So you have to be willing to let that in. And then you have to have a partner that you can trust to relay that to, and then who will listen.
You have to take that first step, crack the book open, read it, think about it, and then talk about it with your partner. That’s the hardest and the simplest, I think, advice that I could give.
[acoustic chord riff]
[acoustic chord riff]
If you’d like to add cuckolding to your sex life, here are a few more tips to consider—once you and your partner are on the same page as far as giving it a try:
First, look into the cuckholding community Rose mentioned by joining a forum or group online—for ideas and support.
To delve in using fantasies in your cuckold play, consider one of these options:
Have your partner watch you masturbate while you watch an erotic film or while you read or listen to an erotic story–or vice versa. (Actually, let’s assume all of these ideas have a “vice versa.”)
Or, have your partner watch you as you use a rideable sex toy, such as the Sybian.
You could also journal about a past sexual experience you’ve had with someone else, then read it aloud or email it to your partner. If you wish, add steamy details to really rev things up.
And, if you want to actually act on your cuckholding desires with an actual 3rd person, I highly recommend Stella Harris’s book, The Ultimate Guide to Threesomes. Cuckolding can be a form of threesome, and regardless, her book contains tons of relevant information—on everything from finding someone to bring in to communicating about your desires and managing your expectations.
You may also get some useful info by listening to her Girl Boner appearance. Find it at augustmclaughlin.com/threesomes-stella or scroll back to March 2021 in your podcast feed.
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Thanks so much for listening.
[outro music that makes you wanna dance!]