“First love is a little foolish and a lot of curiosity.” — George Bernard Shaw
My high school boyfriend and I had been dating for two years before we had sex, becoming each other’s firsts. We’d just returned from a romantic walk under the stars when he pulled me close—young Juliet in Romeo’s gallant arms. With the lights in his bedroom turned low and Vivaldi sounding in the background, we gazed into each other’s eyes and simply knew: It was time. He carried me to the satiny sheet-topped bed and undressed me, kissing every bit of skin he revealed with gentle lips. After several songs worth of hungry kissing and fondling, he slipped himself inside of me, sending a shock of pleasure through my body. “I’ll love you forever,” he said. I kissed him then said, “Me too.”
That’s so totally not how it happened… Yes, we’d been dating for a while, but it was after a band concert that left me bored and sweaty in my none-too-cute blouse and slacks. He smelled like the fast food he’d just eaten, and the music was Def Leopard, not Vivaldi. We were making out on his bed in complete darkness, upon my request—anything to hide my body. Our clothes came off and the next thing I knew, his hardness was against my groin. We’d done this sort of thing before, sans penis entry. This time, he accidentally (or not) inserted the very tip, then stopped moving. “Uh, you know what we’re doing, right?”
“I think so,” I mumbled.
“Is it…okay?”
I thought about it for a half-second then offered a casual, “Sure.”
“You know this means I’m going to marry you, right?” he asked moments in.
Um…
He donned the “just in case we decide to” condom we’d purchased weeks prior and inserted himself. I recall feeling an odd sensation, and thinking that it didn’t feel anything like I’d imagined it would. There were no firework-like pleasure explosions, no unwithholdable moans. It was more like getting fitted for shoes, only naked.
Quickly, sex became pleasurable, though I don’t recall when my orgasms entered the equation. I do know that once I really embraced my sexuality years later, everything about it strengthened. Rather than awkward yet enticing, sex became a crucial and glorious part of my life and self. Had I not taken a sexuality of women course, taught by my college mentor Olga Rockenstein, or overcome deeply engrained body image and self-worth problems, I may never have gotten there—or here, to GB Central.
If we aren’t taught to value and seek sexual pleasure, to view ourselves as beautifully sexual and deserving creatures, how can we have healthy, happy sex lives? Those of us who find that kind of empowerment, probably did not obtain it through sex ed.
“Boys’ sexuality is generally overtly linked with pleasure, for example, the insistence of the male sex drive, wet dreams and orgasm in the context of reproduction,” says Lisa Wade, Ph.d. “Sex education for girls tends to ignore any pleasurable aspects of sex, and instead focuses on the of pregnancy, abandonment, STDs, ruined reputations and rape.”
Celebrating female orgasm is a viable answer to these problems, Wade asserts. In doing so, we might also help rectify complications of an unhealthy sex life, from poor self-esteem and body image to clinical depression and obesity.
Roughly two-thirds of women aren’t sure if they’ve achieved orgasm, according to a recent Cosmo study. If you don’t know if you’ve had an orgasm, trust me, you haven’t.
Here’s how numerous Cosmo readers described orgasm:
“It’s like an overwhelming feeling of tingles throughout your body. You’re light-headed, your vision goes blurry, and all you can feel is an instant lightness of your body and amazing sensation in your clitoris.” —Chelsea
“I experienced one orgasm that almost made me feel like I blacked out. It started with that pulsating feeling, then my head was spinning, my body shaking uncontrollably. It was like a volcanic eruption…but down there. Then I collapse beside him, unable to move, think, or speak.” —Haley
“I know when it starts because every muscle begins to tighten and my upper thighs begin to quiver. I break out in a light sweat and it feels as if a faucet is being turned on inside me. I know the big O is complete when I feel like I need a snack and a nap.” —Nina
“It’s like melting and exploding at the same time. You don’t have any control and it’s maybe the only time in your life when you’re not worried about anything but that very moment.” —Jaimesa
Over the next few weeks, we’ll delve further into female orgasm—the how-tos, physiology and more. For now, I’d love to hear from you. If you readily orgasm, do you you recall your first? Was your first intercourse experience as anti-climatic as mine? Any stories to share? Questions about orgasms you’d like addressed in future posts? As always, I welcome respectful thoughts. ♥
As recently as a year ago, I’d have devoured this post but wouldn’t have shared it or commented on it. My, how entering my crone years has changed me.
My first orgasm terrified me because I felt completely out of control of my whole self.Which means, of course, it was at least a decent orgasm, if not a great one. It was equally uncomfortable and exhilarated. I feared another, and wanted another.
Suffice to say, I’ve reached the “bring it” phase.
Sounds like you’ve made beautiful progress, Ellen. Cheers to you and bringing it!
My “first” experience was HILARIOUS. We didn’t know what we were doing, bumbling around in the back seat of his car. We had the condom and the tissues. And snacks. (For stamina?) most,y, we just laughed. It was not great for either of us, but I’m glad it was fun. It took the edge off. The fabulous came later.
Snacks? LOL I just had this lovely mental image of a steamy car couple pausing for a pretzel break. Too fabulous (for pre-fabulousness anyway ;)).
I finally have time to catch up on a few blogs and this gem is the first one I see. Yay, me! Your intro cracked me up. Seriously, unless you and the boy were pretty serious band geeks there was no WAY Vivaldi was playing in the background…LOL!
I really do enjoy your frank sex speak. Oddly enough, the wildest orgasm description I ever heard came from a woman selling adult toys at a pleasure party I threw. In fact, I think I posted it a few weeks ago. LOVE this post!
From a sex toy saleswoman? I’ve got to read that post, Kitt. Thanks so much for the support!
Very interesting piece of share to read about! :)|
PS: Please do have a look at this and share me your sincere feedback after watching it.
http://myindividualinsights.wordpress.com/2013/02/21/official-release-of-obtrusive-hopes/
Rahul
Wow. I enjoyed reading this post, and as Ellen has commented before me, even a year ago I would have read, enjoyed and not commented – but now, as a 56 year old with an abundance of therapy and consulting now behind me, I feel like I need to, because my situation may be helpful to others and could be addressed in future posts. What happens to sexuality when you’re a victim of childhood abuse, including long-term sexual abuse from multiple adult males? In my case, major inner conflict and behaviors between feeling intense desire and even more shame, including during my (failed) marriages. I know that I was in my late 30s by the time I had an orgasm … and it terrified me – I thought I’d “had an accident”, and was mortified. Thank goodness my lover of 13 years knew my background and helped me through it … and was able to help me heal that part of myself and even learn to enjoy the experience. At the risk of leaving myself totally vulnerable here, he even showed me how I could take care of myself, and that was a huge gift. Unfortunately we eventually parted ways as there wasn’t enough there to sustain our relationship and I was still on my healing journey, but I will always be grateful to him – he helped me to heal that part of my life. Just to let you know how much I’ve gone out on a limb here … I’ve never told another soul about this part of my life – but as I said, I think it’s something that may be very important to other women who may be in a similar situation …. whew, that’s done.
Thank you for your beautiful remarks and openness, Julie! I’m so sorry to hear that you endured abuse as a child—little is more horrific. The fact that you’ve grown so, and can speak openly about your sexuality, says many wonderful things. Kudos! I can’t express how much I respect you for all of that.
I also know, or at least strongly sense, that many women read these and other sexuality-related posts, longing for the kind of courage and freedom with yourself you’ve chosen and worked so hard to possess. I hope others who most need to read your comment, do.
It’s like getting fitted for shoes, only naked. You crack me up, August!
Oh geez, that first time… what a goof I was. I’m so glad that as I’ve matured I also learned that knowing my body and wants/needs is way more important that pretending just to make the guy happy.
I love your posts each week and wish I’d had all this fabulous advice/encouragement when I was younger. At least I’m still young enough to take advantage of it now.
Because you’re so non-goofy now, right??? Totally kidding. I just love you and your awesome spirit and support.
Amen to not pretending! We all benefit from that kind of authenticity.
My first experience was actually an amazing experience and exactly what I needed. I’d made the decision that it was something I wanted to do, and because I wasn’t involved with anyone (I was 20), I chose to lose it on a one night stand. We walked down by the Ness River in Inverness, Scotland, and I first experienced sex under a starry Scottish sky. (Not even kidding a little bit.) It was just right for me and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. My high school boyfriend had refused to have sex with me because he didn’t want to “take” my virginity, which I took offense to. The beautiful dark haired, blue eyed Australian guy in Scotland? He didn’t take anything away from me at all.
Beautiful, Emmie! Thanks so much for sharing.
Hey August,
Hope you don’t mind a guy’s perspective, but for me, it’s always been more fun to make sure the lady’s needs are taken care of before my own.
And, I agree, the world would be a better place if women (and men) had more of a grip on their sexuality (excuse the pun!)
I always appreciate respectful thoughts, from gals and guys alike. Thanks for valuing female pleasure, and for weighing in! (Grip – LOL)
I love your blog August! It’s so honest! And you are such a GREAT writer – even more considering the fact that you kind of “painted” the romantic Vivaldi-picture in my head before getting me back to the ground. LOOOOOL
I have to admit:
My first time happened after “trying” a few times and it didn’t work. It was the first time for both of us – and I guess after it finally happened we both felt kind of “victorious” , too much to actually pay attention to any feelings or sensations involved… except of course the fact, that the bed looked like someone had been killed…
But after a while even this vision disappeared…
Was it romantic? Uhm… no. But it definitely was interesting. The orgasms came later… At least mine…
I think that’s the case for many of us–that awkward, exciting road toward orgasms. I really wish I remembered my first… Then again, more recent experiences have been far more embraceable. IYKWIM!
And thank you for the lovely words!
I still remember my first O — I was by myself, exploring away, wondering what all was down around there – what it was for – etc etc – – and had NO idea what it was when it happened – had never heard of it, felt it or even considered it – it was a complete surprise – a WHOA! WHAAAAA? — But when it did happen, I was hooked *laughing* – WHAT WAS THAT? and then HOW CAN I MAKE THAT HAPPEN AGAIN? *laugh* — I can’t remember how old I was.
I’m so excited for these posts August! My first time was in my parents’ basement, and I thought it hurt. I had no idea what all the fuss was about and I was the one who wanted it! Of course it got better.
Funny side fact, I’ve performed in The Vagina Monologues 4 years of college and “climaxed” to the coveted role of “The Moaner.” One of my favorite things I’ve ever done!
Okay! That does it. I have got to read The Vagina Monologues.
I wonder if August will let us add a snippet or two from that reading to the Amish Erotics performance during her show. Have you joined the Amish Erotics yet, Jess? If not, you so belong in our ranks. Pick the color for your feathered boa — I called dibs on cobalt blue. I think Jenny Hansen has pink. Purple, perhaps?
I just love your enthusiasm. And I wish I could see you perform in the Vagina Monologues. Encore someday perhaps??
Gosh! First loves. I just caught up with mine last week in California. No. We didn’t make up for time and years and orgasms lost. Yes. The spark and I-could-look-into-your-eyes forever ran amok. But, the time wasn’t right for him yet on unresolved moral levels. I respect that about him.
We were sweethearts throughout High School and through our first two years in college. But, I was still a virgin when he decided we should go our separate ways for a while. Experience college, yadda. yadda. No sex, because I might get pregnant and ruin his dream of becoming a PhD.
What he didn’t know then, but knows now, is that I experienced my first orgasm while straddling him in a heavy make-out session. I didn’t know what was happening to me, and I was too embarrassed to tell this boy-then-man-now.
I limped away from that relationship (self-esteem in the gutter) and lost my virginity to a guy I can’t even picture having coffee with today.
Until August and GB series came along, I hid my sensuality, couldn’t communicate with men about what I wanted/needed, felt and was used, and had no clue about the full potential women carry with them. I’m on a mission now. A fun mission.
I won’t fly solo forever, but I’ll be damn practiced at various levels of orgasm by the time I meet a man with whom I want to share this newly realized sensuality.
Oh! In a post-California telephone call, I got into a debate with this PhD ex-boyfriend. Something we did often when we weren’t in lip-locks. Seems he does not believe 70% of women don’t orgasm during penetrative sex, many men are not competent at (or dislike) delivering oral sex, and many men feel their hot rod should be the primary source of female orgasm. It was refreshing to have the stats memorized so I could win yet another debate with him.
I recommended he read I Love Female Orgasm when he finishes editing his research papers. It was a fun conversation. Just like the old days — only the topic was better.
I’m so freaking proud of and happy for you, Gloria! Thank you for sharing your journey with me and GB-land. The world needs more beauties like you.
The first time? I remember wondering why people were so enthused about sex. It was kind of boring, and I wasn’t impressed at all. As for the rest… Hmm. Still waiting to be impressed on a regular basis.
Elaborating on your expression, orgasms are like “getting fitted for the shoes “; well shoes come in different sizes & and feet come in various contours. Even size 7 varies from feet to feet when it comes to fit. It’s all about finding the correct “match” for the maximum comfort. (in this case pleasure). While there’s not much can be done between feet & shoes, ancient text of Kamasutra elaborately described copulating positions based on the “size & contour” to make the moment memorable. I am not sure if all these variables (size, contour, and position) are factored in for that fabulous fireworks finale.
Extending on the topic if you may cover some of the following in your future posts …
— In some it’s often associated with pain, and the thought of that inhibits the advent of the climax.
— Even when the associated factors are figured out, it still lacks the consistency. Practice makes it perfect does not seem to apply here. No permutation-combination can predict the outcome (even with success history)
— Does a particular time frame of the female cycle play a role in the results? This one is from personal encounter, would like to know if it holds any merit or it’s just a myth.
And talking about the first time ….
I grew up in a land & time where the subject was still a taboo and pre-marital of it was associated with a social stigma. Kids often completed their college living at their parents so using one’s place for such encounter was completely out of question. Students on budget can’t afford Hotels frequently and so secluded public places (not an oxymoron) often are the preferred venues. Once the act is over, it’s hard to delineate the satisfaction; was that from the joyride or the fact that it was accomplished without being caught.
Yeah right, i thought sex is isn’t right on my age when i was 15. But lately when i experienced it. It was like whoa, specially orgasms!. I never experienced it before and now its the best part of my sex life . And by the way, I highly recommend you this page:
http://www.orgasmgeek.com/the-science-of-orgasm/