“You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.” – Friedrich Nietzsche
Put another way, there’s “no wrong way to eat a Reese’s.” And another, there’s no one, best or right way for women to orgasm. The important thing, in my opinion, is that we do.
As I explained in an earlier post, I don’t recall my first orgasm, but I do remember when they grew fabulously frequent and intense. I’d been studying female sexuality and working hard to release long-held negative beliefs about myself. Speaking openly about sex affected me like Viagra on Viagra. In fact, I may have first said the term Girl Boner out loud back then. (My incredibly old-fashioned boyfriend wasn’t exactly amused; that’s another story.)
After breaking up with BF #1—let’s call him “Max”—I started dating someone less old-fashioned. “Kevin,” the tattooed rocker by night, telephone technician by day, welcomed me and my Girl Boner with open arms—among other parts. I must’ve been overly enthused, as the first few times we were about to be intimate, his eyes would widen and he’d cower slightly, as though facing a gigantic, ready-to-pounce cheetah.
Then he’d release this amused laugh, ease back onto the bed and just lie there. Sure, he kissed me back, and may have held onto my arms or back at some point, but for the most part, Kevin lay naked on his back, his raging erection in firm salute as I rode, and rode, and…rode. Unlike Max, he didn’t mind if I made ample noise (though I can’t speak for my neighbors), which only intensified matters. Throughout our relationship, we had sex at random times during the day, always with me as pilot. It seemed somewhat selfish, but whenever I asked him if he wanted to try something new, he claimed he was perfectly content. And so, in regards to the bedroom, he remained my living, breathing sex toy. Also like toys, he helped me learn a great deal about my body and sexuality.
According to numerous sex experts, the protocol Kevin and I shared set the stage for intense orgasms. (I can vouch for that.) If you’re lacking in the big O department, you may want to consider the following:
1. Do it before you’re exhausted. Just before nightly sleep is a common time to have sex, but it isn’t the best time, according to Laura Mintz, PhD, author of A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex. By the day’s end, we’re typically tired and, if we’ve had a hectic day, high in the stress hormone cortisol. Cortisol excesses can halt our sex drive. Women and men have higher levels of testosterone and feel-good brain chemicals during morning hours. So take advantage of those AM woodies! Afternoon and early evening are also great sex and orgasm times, and may even help facilitate restfulness and quality sleep later on.
2. Treat him like a sex object (sort of). This doesn’t mean objectifying, exploiting or ignoring him, but being a bit more selfish. While I personally believe that valuing a partner’s pleasure is vital, it can go too far, says Joel Block, PhD, coauthor of Sex Comes First. “Women spend too much energy worrying about turning a guy on,” he told Cosmo. If you find yourself stuck on your own “flaws” or other insecurities, try ogling his body and imagining the pleasure it can bring. Welcome saucy thoughts and inclinations. Act on them. It isn’t selfish if it pleases you both. Fixating on our insecurities, however, can be.
3. Make joyful noise! Woo hoo! I just knew shutting up wasn’t useful. Super secret stealth sex, also hot. But by withholding sound, we tense up our bodies, lowering our chances of satisfaction and climax. Heavy breathing, sighing and moaning during sex stimulate our central nervous system, says Mintz. Talking during sex has a similar effect, and allows for communication. (He/she may not know what is or isn’t working if we don’t speak up.)
4. Don’t stop until you come. It always seems lame to me in TV and movies when the man orgasms then turns over, snoring, beside an unsatisfied woman. If he finishes first and you want to orgasm (and I hope you do), keep going. Unless he has narcolepsy, I doubt ejaculating functions like intravenous Ambien. Mintz suggests making it clear that your needs are important; otherwise, we risk not only dissatisfaction, but resentment. Ask him to help you orgasm. Or hand him a dildo or vibrator.
5. Don’t rush it. Here’s where Kevin and I were lacking, unless you consider staring at each other over dinner foreplay. Women typically require 10 to 20 minutes of stimulation to be aroused enough for orgasm, says Ian Kerner, PhD, author of She Comes First. And a little time benefits both parties. “Seeing a woman aroused boosts his testosterone levels, turning him on even more,” Kerner explains. To further enhance foreplay, or if you find yourself not maintaining or increasing personal arousal, try fantasizing. Mid-sex fantasies increase arousal, making us more orgasm-ready.
We’ll be back on our usual Girl Boner Monday schedule shortly, with more orgasm glory. I hope you’ll stay tuned!
Have you ever had a partner like Kevin—or another partner who helped you learn about your O nature? Which orgasm step most resonates with you? Any favorite tips to add? I love hearing from you. ♥