Healing from Sexual Trauma and Toxic Relationships: Lauren’s Story

August:

Lauren grew up in Staten Island, New York. And like many of us, she learned extremely little about sex and sexuality. She told me her conservative parents never prompted a “sex talk,” and that her mom, to this day, advises she “act like a lady.” During elementary school, she learned about periods and…not much else. And while she learned a little bit more during high school, she ended up with far more questions than answers.

Lauren:

In high school, in 12th grade, we basically learned abstinence-only kind of fear tactics. You know, if you get if you get an STD, like this is the consequences of having sex, and they really just taught us about STI and pregnancy and really in You know, high school everyone starts experimenting and growing into their bodies and I remember that I found myself attracted to girls. And I was very ashamed and confused about this. So it wasn’t until college when I took my first human sexuality class that I learned more about consent, the gender spectrum and fluidity and some more things that really come into the teaching round versus abstinence only.

August:

I’m so glad she learned all of that — and wish we all did sooner. Once we do, our whole lives can start to improve.

Lauren:

It felt very validating because I think a lot of us, especially as millennials, or young adults, we get our sex education from porn, unfortunately. And I found, from a lot of my own sexual experiences, that people that I have had sex with it, kind of replicates what they think they should be doing acted out in a porn scene. You know, if I’m not squirting all over the room, they think something is wrong with me, when in reality, a majority of porn is acting. So it’s really it’s kind of trying to find that balance.

August:

This scenario remains common, since the dawn of the digital age, as comprehensive sex education remains lacking and porn is literally in our pockets. In a survey of college students in Britain, 60% reported looking to porn as a sort of instruction manual, even though most said they know it’s unrealistic. I asked Lauren if she and her friends ever talked about porn or sex or if it was all sort of this secret.

Lauren:

It’s funny because I think that for people that are males, it’s assumed to be normal, but girls are very, at least in my high school, ashamed. I remember one girl got made fun because people there was a rumor being spread that she was masturbating. And for girl that seemed filthy in high school and I remember even being ashamed because I know that I had touched myself at that point and questioning whether something was wrong with me. And I think that a lot of my girlfriends, we talked about our first time: the cherry popping and how sex is going to be painful and I remember the first time I had sex being completely shocked because there was no blood, there was no pain, and I actually called my best friend up and I was like, “Hey, like, I just had sex for the first time and I’m not bleeding. Maybe I didn’t do it right.” 

August:

That is such a common myth. The truth is, some people with vulvas experience pain and bleeding the first time they have intercourse. It happens when the hymen stretches a lot. But the hymen can stretch for many reasons and it’s only really fully in-tact in babies.

One thing that really struck me about Lauren’s email was how open she was, including about dark and painful times. Her healing process from sexual trauma has been mighty. As a heads up, you’ll hear a few details about that next.

Lauren:

Unfortunately, I’ve been in several instances of sexual assault and domestic violence. The first use of relationship I got in two was actually when I was 14. That began when I was 17. And the most recent one was at 21. That was my longest and most severe case of an abusive relationship where I actually sustained a traumatic brain injury and as well with a sexual assault the first time I was actually assaulted. I was 18. It was my first semester of college on campus. And I didn’t even know that what I had experienced was assault. I just thought that I felt dirty and I felt wrong about it. And it wasn’t until that happened again, in my abusive relationship at 21 where he assaulted me, I recognized that something was wrong. 

August:

This isn’t uncommon, especially when we’re close to the person who hurt us. I asked Lauren how it felt to have that realization: that not only was what she endured assault, but that it had happened in some form earlier on in her life.

Lauren:

It felt very confusing at first. I think, as survivors of trauma—specifically sexual trauma—we tend to internalize it and blame it on ourselves. It’s really easy to say, “Oh, if I wouldn’t have done this differently, then that wouldn’t have  happened. If I was more assertive then maybe they would have gotten the point. But really, I think as a survivor of sexual abuse or any type of abuse, it’s realizing that that’s all on that person. There’s nothing you could have said done differently that made a person treat you the way they did. Because the way that people treat you, it doesn’t really have to do with you. It has to do with how they feel about themselves. 

August:

These kinds of realizations are so important in our healing journeys. Another beautiful thing Lauren has demonstrated is post-traumatic growth — this idea that we can go beyond healing a wound and, in the process of learning to manage trauma, become stronger, more resilient people.

Lauren: 

The truth about trauma, at least in my perspective—I can only speak from my experience—is that it’s horrific, and it’s definitely wounding, but at the same time for me, it’s been an experience I wouldn’t take back because it’s really forced me to open up in the places that I didn’t want to Look at all the places that I have closed down and it’s really allowed me to waken up and grow as a person and find the methods that feeling that work best for me.

August:

See what I mean? That is some serious growth, not because of what happened to her, but, really, in spite of it. Lauren turned her wounds into catalysts for positive change. It’s been a journey for her, as it tends to be, and thankfully, she’s had ample support, including professionals to help her navigate emotional challenges. I was curious about that process and asked her if any turning points stood out —  any moments when she realized that a part of her needed healing, especially related to her sexuality. 

Lauren:

I’ve been very blessed and privileged in the fact that I’ve been in therapy since I was 13 years old. I got into counseling at 13 and I’m 25 now and I will go for the rest of my life. So that’s really allowed me to have a safe space to receive validation and open and honest feedback from you know, a subjective lens, and I will forever be grateful for therapy. I know a lot of people have mixed experiences with it. But a time that I can remember was when I was 21 and I was going through my domestic violence situation. I’ve always been a person that is very much into self development and self-help, so I was constantly seeking information. I found your podcast at that time, I found other podcasts, that really allowed me to go into those spaces where I felt most broken and take that traumatic experience as an opportunity to grow in those places, such as my sexuality. 

August:

I know some of you listening relate to Lauren’s story in some way. Sometimes hearing our own experiences reflected in someone else sheds a bright light. So I asked her if there’s one thing she wishes she realized sooner—something she’d like you to know if you’re in the early stages of a similar journey. 

Lauren:

I think that something that I struggled with was believing I wasn’t okay to change my mind. I always put people’s feelings before mine. And I really realized now that someone that loves you won’t treat you like they hate you. And it’s really important to listen to your gut because your intuition is almost never wrong.  And it’s really not our jobs to change people. Sometimes we think that we can love, you know, the brokenness out of someone. If we love someone good enough and they’ll treat us right. But that’s really not our responsibility. It’s up to someone to change if they want to.

August:

She is so right about that. Even when we know we can’t fix or change someone who hurts or abuses us, it is not often easy to leave—even when leaving seems like the most reasonable option in the world. Lauren wants anyone in such a place to know that you aren’t alone. Those feelings are valid and there is hope to be had. 

Lauren:

It’s a very complex situation. I think people that have never gone through it, at least from what I heard from my friends and family is if you’re unhappy, why don’t you just leave? It can’t be that bad if you’re not leaving him. And I think that’s something I would say to anyone that’s in the midst of it is try as many times as you need to because it’s, it’s not a single path. It’s not linear. It’s not you leave them once and then you’re a-okay and everything is rainbows and butterflies. For me, it took several attempts due to fear, guilt, love, a bunch of complicated emotions are in the process of leaving. And for me, it took leaving about three or four times until I realized that I could go back to this person, but he’s never going to change.  

August:

Lauren, on the other hand, has changed. She told me that sexual health activists have empowered her to work through her sexual trauma and learn to love sex again. I’m so honored that she included me there. She’s currently working toward her masters in human sexuality, gender and women studies and works as a social worker. She interned with Planned Parenthood, appeared on Dr. OZ to talk about sexual harassment and published her first book: Trauma, Tears and Triumph, which is full of poetry about heartache, abuse, love, loss and coming back to yourself through the depths of despair. The book was just picked up by a traditional publishing house. She also has her sights set on becoming a sex educator and then eventually, a sex coach or therapist, specializing in trauma. Before pursuing work in sex and trauma, Lauren wasn’t even sure she was suited for this professional path.

Lauren:

It’s a funny thing as someone that has experienced mental illness and I’m on, you know psychiatric medication, I felt very discouraged in the fact that I’m too quote unquote “messed up” to help people: I can’t go into psychology or social work because I’ve gone through too many experiences that deem me damaged by society. So who would want to work with someone that has as many issues as me—and I’m using air quotes. But something that I realized is that your experiences that have crippled you and make you stronger, they will make you even better at that position because you can therefore empathize and really connect with people on a deeper level versus just reading the material and gaining knowledge through textbooks. So I think it’s easy to get frustrated and down on ourselves and think that we’re not good enough for something. But I believe that a diagnosis can’t stop you from your dreams. And I think that you have that much more compassion to really be able to help people and understand where they’re coming from when you’ve gone through it yourself.

August:

I agree, don’t you? Empathy and compassion are so powerful—and diagnoses don’t define who we are or our worth. Lauren has also found healing through yoga, which she believes holds huge capacity for enhancing our sex lives and helping us embrace our bodies as they are. 

Lauren:

Yoga is a beautiful thing. I’ve been teaching yoga for a little over two years now. The type that I teach is trauma-focused yoga and I taught Bikram yoga, which is in a hot room. I think that many people are intimidated by yoga. I’ve heard so many people say, “I can’t do yoga, I’m not flexible.” And really what makes you good at yoga isn’t your flexibility. It’s not your ability to do a headstand and take a picture of yourself, you know, in a cool pose and post it on social media. That’s not what Yoga is. Yoga is really, it means union and it’s really about your breath. So the physical asana or pose doesn’t have so much to do with getting into the pose and holding a pose and stray, although that does come over time. It really has to do with accepting your body because something that yoga has taught me is our bodies change literally every single day. So it’s just about coming to an understanding of where you’re at and yoga, I think, really helps your sex life because it allows you to understand your body. And the breath also helps with being mindful and in the moment, especially during sex.

August:

Yes. And as we often say here, relaxation is the foundation of arousal and being more present invites more pleasure. Research published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine shows that yoga can improve sex by increasing blood flow and easing anxiety, too. Whether you engage in yoga or not, Lauren believes even minutes of mindfulness per day can help.

Lauren:

So one of the best tips that I can offer is meditation, even for just a minute a day, you know, just taking a moment to close our eyes, tune in with our senses, you know, what are we smelling? What are we tasting? What are we hearing? What are we seeing? What are we feeling, I’m really just tuning into that present moment, because a lot of times we can get stuck in our heads. And so really, if you’re, you know, you like visualization, which I love, and I promise it gets easier the more you do it, just allowing you to yourself to visualize light in the places where you feel are harboring a lot of stuck energy. So for many people that could be their throat area. Their chest gets really tight their neck area, their stomach. Just allow yourself to visualize bright healing light or whatever call it resonates with you really moving into that body part and just allowing that to heal you because through that visualization, not only will that happen over time, these energies will go stronger—but it would really allow yourself to calm the mind relax and take your mind off of work for five minutes a day, and just really tuning into your breath and picture yourself where you want to be because that is tremendously healing.

August: 

Speaking of healing, Lauren is well aware that healing is not a finish line. It’s not some goal post you reach and then it’s done. Nor is it a simple or rapid process. I think it comes in fits and starts and slow, gradual change, all at the same time. I loved how open she was about where she is currently. 

Lauren:

So I’m not gonna lie every day. It’s work. You know, it’s not that you get out of one bad relationship and everything is uphill from there. I’m not gonna lie and say that that’s been my experience because I find myself continually attracting people that tend to be narcissistic and controlling into my life. However, what’s really changed for me is having that realization and having that insight to say, “Hmm, this feels off. I have never met this person and they’re already talking to me about meeting their family and getting married and having kids? That doesn’t seem right.” And I allow that feeling to really sit with me. And I might journal about it, I might, you know, write it out on paper to gain more clarity. And I don’t ignore my gut intuition anymore. Because the second that I have a feeling that something isn’t right, and I start to question it, and maybe I ask people, “Does this seem off to you?” I know that’s a that’s a red flag and a big lightbulb goes off in my mind. And I allow myself to acknowledge those warning signs and then move forward from there and how I want to approach the situation.

August:

I relate to Lauren’s experience there, especially looking back on my twenties. As I told her, I am stoked for the direction she’s heading, because it really seems to me that many rewards for her ongoing self-work remain, including some she hasn’t even fathomed yet. I wondered if she relates to something else I experienced: when you mistake feeling triggered for gut instincts. And whether she believes it’s important to learn to discern between the two. She said “Yes, completely. Especially as someone with post-traumatic stress disorder, that hasn’t always been easy…” and that the answer is really about recognizing these different aspects…

Lauren:

…and saying, okay. Looking at it from a bigger picture. That’s why I really love art and creative outlets like that. I always have a list that I do with anyone that I’m considering dating. I’ll cut a few columns and I’ll put what I like about them and maybe things that are quote unquote “turnoffs” or “cons,” and I’ll really look at that…and I’ll see what’s coming from my ego perspective. Cons as being, you know, they’re not tall or something surface-level like that, versus what’s coming out of a love perspective, because I’ve learned that we either come from a place of love or we come from a place of fear. 

And I always talk to my therapist about anyone new that I’m considering bringing into my life and I take some time to really marinate in it, give it time. And if that person is allowing me space to consider how I feel and allowing me to put myself first, then I think that’s a huge plus, because—I’m sure you can relate to this—when I first started dating my abusive ex, I thought it was all in my head. I thought because I’m someone that’s very sensitive and highly empathic. So I had people tell me, “Oh, you’re taking his jokes too seriously,” or “he’s just kidding.” And I blamed it on myself. And it really damaged that relationship between me and trusting myself because I doubted myself, I doubted my feelings. And then I was like, “Look where this got me.” So it’s really about developing that respect for yourself and learning through experience time and time again, that you can really never go wrong with listening to your gut instincts and trusting yourself and really loving yourself enough to say no to things that don’t serve you. 

August:

Can you all join me in a virtual round of applause for Lauren for her courage, desire and willingness to share her story? She wanted to leave you all with this: 

Lauren:

I would love for people to share their story. I know that it could be easier said than done. And as someone that has been in mental health treatment for a pretty long time, for me it’s easy to say, “Share your story and I’m an open book.” I understand that not everyone is comfortable with that and that is perfectly okay. There’s no pressure ever to do something you’re not comfortable with. But I think when we look at the benefits of storytelling, I think for me personally, they’ve definitely outweighed the risk. I’m a huge fan of Brene Brown’s work. And I think that there is no vulnerability without courage and no courage without vulnerability. In my experience, when I’ve stayed silent, I feel in the dark, and that kind of allows other people to also stay in the dark, because they fear self-doubt they fear being judged. They fear criticism, and that’s completely normal and human. But I think when we say that something happened to us, we give others permission to say, “That happened to me, too.” Then a larger conversation can start and that conversation could bring about huge change. And I think that huge changes are definitely needed at this time in history. So I think never underestimate the power of your voice.

Stream the full Girl Boner Radio episode above or on your favorite podcast app.