I try really hard to stay positive here in Girl Boner-land, but sometimes sexual empowerment requires looking into dark issues—particularly when lives are being needlessly ruined or lost.
Last month Alyssa Funke, a straight-A college freshman from Minnesota who had dreams of becoming an anesthesiologist, committed suicide after cyber-bullying over her decision to appear in pornography pushed her past her emotional limits. A friend shared the news with me recently, rightfully stating that had Alyssa been a man, the tragedy wouldn’t have unfolded. The double-standards regarding female versus male sexuality are immense, heartbreaking and run deeper than many folks realize. Regardless, no one should be ridiculed or judged for choosing to engage in sexual activity, on or off camera.
Conversations about Alyssa throughout social media and the news have used the term “slut shaming,” an increasingly prevalent term Wikipedia defines as “a concept in human sexuality used to describe the act of making a person, typically a woman, feel guilty or inferior for certain sexual behaviors that deviate from traditional or orthodox gender expectations, or that which may be considered contrary to natural or religious law.” Examples include dressing provocatively, requesting access to birth control, having premarital or casual sex or being raped or otherwise sexually violated.
If I could choose one term to do away with in our culture, slut-shaming may well be it. While I’m grateful that these issues are beginning to gain necessary attention (but not for the tragic reasons), woman-shaming seems far more appropriate. Sex is just as much a part of being female as it is male. If our world embraced this fact rather than making much of female sexuality taboo, Alyssa might still be with her loved ones today.
It doesn’t take a genius or much heart to recognize that any shame should fall on the person shunning a woman for dressing as she wishes, engaging sexually as she wishes, responsibly requesting birth control or (GOOD LORD) being attacked—not the woman herself. Bullying, criticizing or ostracizing someone for embracing sex as she sees fit, something as equally natural and health-promoting as digesting food, sleeping and breathing, simply because they’re female makes no sense. It’s cruel not only to the woman being shamed but all females, and the derivative damage affects us all. In some cases, the consequences are profoundly tragic.
So what can we do? We can start by analyzing our own beliefs and language, then making positive changes. Providing positive role models our culture lacks and not buying into sex-negativity will help ensure that Alyssa Funke and others like her won’t have died in vain.
Here are some simple ways we can set more positive examples for girls and women regarding sexuality. While many of them apply to all genders, they most often affect women:
- Don’t describe anything sexual as “dirty” or “naughty.”
- Cut “slut” and “slutty” from your vocabulary unless you’re discussing their harm.
- Don’t inwardly or outwardly judge girls or women for wearing tight, short or low-cut clothes.
- Don’t make negative remarks about your or others’ shape, appearance or size.
- Avoid telling and laughing at sexist jokes.
- Respectfully call people out when they shame or demean others for their sexual choices or behaviors.
- When necessary and possible, report sexual shaming.
- Support sex-positive publications, activists and events.
- Communicate more about sexuality with loved ones, particularly your partner(s) and, if you’re a parent, your kids.
- Cultivate positive body image and a happy healthy sex life, however you define it.
As we honor those who’ve given their lives for our country this Memorial Day, I hope you’ll also keep Alyssa Funke and her loved ones in her thoughts. Thanks so much for the ongoing support. Even when darkness prevails, I believe we can change the world. ♥
This both breaks my heart and infuriates me. That poor girl. Once again I feel obligated to reblog.
I feel the same way, James. Thanks for the support! The more people made aware, the better.
Reblogged this on The Burden of Empathy by James Jackson and commented:
“Sex is just as much a part of being female as it is male.”
I am glad to know of Alyssa but saddened that I must know of her death because yet, once again, bullies behind screens make life unbearable for yet another human being. And yes, yet another woman is held to some other standard, STILL. Thank you, August, for such a beautiful Memorial Day post. I will remember.
Karen
What a tragic and wasteful loss. So preventable. Heartbreaking. Truly. (Is it strange that in my brain the word “naughty” has a positive and playful connotation? Or that I am kind of flattered when told that I’m a “dirty” girl?)
Well stated, August. May some good come out of a dreadfully sad situation that should never have happened!
It never ceases to amaze me how men who are promiscuous to the nth degree, call women sluts who have sex with them. Or call them that because they might just like to have sex. It’s a crazy world when someone is virtually hounded to their death because they enjoy their sexuality. The male leads in the porn film would have been lauded by their friends for being such a stud.
Laurie.
This is terrible and heartbreaking. Thanks for remembering her!
It is naive to think it was just bullying that took her life. The girl had already phsycological problems, coming from a home with criminal parents that neglected her. And participating in porn is not like having ordinary sex, it is to be lured into a shady worl of misogyny and exploitation of young women, espcially young vulnerable women that are searching for attention and also have p´financial problems,. To put the blame on some teenagers that reacted with anger and dissapointment on her choice is just naive and misses the real culprits,
No woman deserved to be shamed for expressing her sexuality (for whatever reason), on or off screen, as she sees fit. Bullying is never okay.
This was sad and disappointing on so many levels. She seemed like a great girl and was obviously very intelligent.
I can’t stand slut-shaming and it’s truly disturbing knowing that so many women must endure it. This girl didn’t deserve to be bullied and shamed simply because she decided to shoot an adult video.I always held the vague idea that the adult industry(while far from perfect), in an indirect way,was helping to portray women as sexual beings who are in control of their sexuality. Also, with the internet and popularity of adult content these days, I figured people would have been more mature and accepting of her decision. Feminism fought hard for women’s sexual liberation,and at this point,they should be able to explore and express their sexuality however they want(without judgement).
One of my ex-gf’s had dealt with slut-shaming in her past and I really saw the hurt and damage all of the bullying had caused her.She had been seeing a therapist for years to work through the hurt, and shame she felt from all of the bullying and harassment.I truly learned about the seriousness and importance of this issue from her.
As a man, I think any guy who talks this way about women is a low-life. I think it’s important for men to call out other men who slut shame or men who judge and criticize a woman’s sexuality in public or around others.More men need to speak out and help make a difference.
Great article on a very important issue.