For our last Girl Boner Radio episode of the year, Domina Mara, a professional Dominant and filmmaker, and her pup joined me in-studio for our second installment of Sex Questions With…! You’ll learn about Mara’s career, the pair’s Dominant/pup relationship and all three of our answers to steamy questions from/based on the boardgame, “You Don’t Know My Life.” We also answered a thought-provoking question from a listener.
Stream it on Apple Podcasts/iTunes, iHeartRadio, Amazon Music, Spotify or below. Or read on for a lightly edited transcript.
“Sex Questions with a Professional Dominant and Her Pup”
a Girl Boner Radio transcript
Mara: So for me, I always see the other person as a human being before they’re anything else. Like whatever title that they hold afterwards, whether it’s submissive or fetishist or whatever, they’re still a human being and I will always honor that first. And then, you know, we go into our negotiated things later. And I hope they do that in the same regard for me as well.[encouraging, acoustic music]
August – narration: Born in the heart of California, Domina Mara — also known as Miss Mara — hails from international waters with Chinese, Filipino, and Spanish blood. Her career began in 2013, when she worked as a professional BDSM player at a Los Angeles dungeon. She now travels the world bringing all levels of submissives + fetishists (literally) to their knees. And she says that as a Dominant, her greatest joy is watching others transform into the most humble and genuine submissives with purpose they can be.
Mara joined me in-person recently, along with her Pup, for today’s episode. And by “pup,” I’m not talking about a literal dog, although they’d be welcome, too. Domina Mara and her pup have share a special relationship that involves the kink known as pet play. You’ll learn more about that shortly.
You’ll also hear stories from our lives, from times we enjoyed extraordinary sex toys to lessons learned the hard way — no pun intended.
This is the last Girl Boner Radio episode of the year, and this was such a meaningful way to celebrate that. Big thanks to Makenzie Mizell for recording our session. I really hope you enjoy it.
[acoustic, encouraging music]
August: So today we’re stepping away from our usual storytelling style for a special event. Welcome to our second installment of Sex Questions With… this time featuring special guests, Domina Mara.
Miss Mara: Hello!
August: And her pup.
Miss Mara: Does Pup wanna say hi?
August: Hello. So I’d love to hear how you introduce yourselves. Let’s say you’re at a sex positive party.
Miss Mara: I would probably feel out how, friendly people are with kink, but I usually go by Miss Mara, and then I introduce Pup as Pup. However, if kink becomes, an interest, I let people know that I am a professional and lifestyle dominatrix.
August: Ah, I love it. And you’re a filmmaker as well.
Miss Mara: Yes, I am.
August: Tell us about your films.
Miss Mara: So they’re very slow and sensual. They’re very short format. I was featured in quite a few film festivals, internationally and domestically, and currently they are watchable on Pink Label TV. But yeah, it’s been really fun collaborating with a bunch of different artists and other kinksters like throughout the nation and yeah, it’s really fun.
August: Ah, I love it. So, I’d love to hear about the dynamic that you two have. First of all, how did you meet and when did you realize that you wanted to have this type of relationship?
Miss Mara: So we met at a thing called a munch, and in the kink world it’s kind of like you meet at a public space in a vanilla setting, so nobody’s wearing anything crazy cuz we don’t wanna scare, um, normal citizens (laughs), but basically, I went to, a restaurant and there was an outdoor patio. And we were seated at a four person table, but one chair was empty.
I had two friends on the other side of me and this one guy tried to keep pushing his business card onto me because he knew that I was a dominant. And so the friend across from me was like, “Hey, you wanna take a walk?” And I was like, “Sure. That sounds great.” And, um, I had seen Pup out of the corner of my eye enter the, the scene basically.
But he was just kind of standing there, like observing people. And apparently he did have friends there, too, but they were really deep in conversations, so he didn’t wanna interrupt them. And so my friend went up to him and was like, “Hey, you wanna sit at our table?” Um, to occupy that fourth seat? He said, “sure.”
And we literally spent the whole night talking and we ended up parking in the same direction and area away from everyone. So he walked me to my car and things kind of went from there.
August: And Pup, were you already identifying with the pup kind of persona…uh, dog-sona, (all laugh) at that time?
Pup: I was not really into a pet personality yet. It was actually very early on in my journey through the kinky world and dynamic. So I was still figuring things out and was very convenient to have met a professional early on to kind of get some good guidance from.
August: I bet. So for folks who don’t know what a dominant and pup dynamic could look like, I know there are different variations, but in a nutshell, what is that kind of relationship or that fetish or kink?
Miss Mara: So generally, it’s classified under pet play. Most of the time the dominant is kind of like the owner where they will literally train their pets to be, what kind of pet they want them to be.
And it’s also based on the pet’s personality because some dogs are like super obedient, so there’s not a lot of training that has to happen except for like vocal or like visual commands versus really playful ones or really mischievous ones that do need disciplining and punishment. And that’s kind of their thing as well. So there’s a lot that goes throughout the entire gamut of them.
In my case, it’s a little bit special because for Pup, he gets to speak. He doesn’t usually, but for things like this, he gets to walk as a bi-ped, whereas like most of my other pets, they have to crawl around.
Well not have to, but it’s in their nature too. And I like training them on all fours, unless they’re like jumping or doing something that requires them to be on their knees or something like that. In those cases, they wear the full outfit where it’s like the leather mitts, they sometimes have a tongue sticking out that’s part of the hood, a tail. Tails are really huge because that’s kind of like a really playful aspect of things. And then a leash and collar, but pup doesn’t actually have to be on a leash because he’s he is more like a bodyguard slash butler to me. And that’s kind of how established his character. Because I’ve always wanted like, a Doberman when I was younger, but I never got a chance to, you know, experience pets because my mother was allergic. And so, in my dom life, I can now like literally create the world that I want. And so that’s kind of what I made for myself.
August: And can this be both a sexual engagement and or not? Like I, I have encountered folks who are into pet play where no actual kind of sex happens, and I know that sometimes that is the turn on as well. What can you share about that?
Miss Mara: Yeah. So in my personal, relationship with h it’s not sexual. It’s all service oriented, and that’s kind of where the butler takes in. So he will drive me places, um, make sure like my camera equipment is set up properly, sometimes model and pose for me or be behind camera.
So he does a lot of those things to make sure that my life is like easier. But as well as, you know, being of really great companion to like events and stuff like that. He’s also just a good boy to have around. But with the sexual thing, I think there’s a lot of pets that, like there’s pet days or pet competitions, and pets get to meet each other. And so if they’re not sexual with their owner, they get to be sexual with each other and play like that, which I think is super adorable.
Especially if you are, let’s say like two kittens. And they get to pounce on each other or whatever, but then later on, really enjoy each other in the bedroom too.That’s awesome. And obviously who doesn’t want two kittens, in the bedroom as well, so, yeah. Yeah.
August: I love how much variety and play there is. Like it’s so playful.
Miss Mara: Yeah.
August: I think it’s really sad that we don’t play as adults.
Miss Mara: Yeah. Well, I think that’s also why people get turned on by kinks like this is because it allows them to be like, oh my gosh, I didn’t know you could do that. It’s allowing each other to give permission to each other and just make rules that we all can agree on, on our own terms.
August: Mm. What do you recall learning about sex and sexuality when you were growing up?
Miss Mara: Because I came from a Catholic background, (laughs) Roman Catholic, I went to a lot of private schools that had, disciplining. So I was there during the age where, wooden rulers were still okay to be used on children. Luckily I was one of, kind of the good ones for the most part. But, yeah, I think, we are really restricted by learning that appreciating our body is bad, that it’s a sin and all of that, kind of stuff. However, I think I’m able to subvert that, to play into that as its own thing, as its own kink, especially those who come from an educational background. Some of my earliest clients were like principals and stuff like that and people in power and they wanted like the brat school girl to fail, but then turn the role around on them and punish them. And I was like, oh my gosh, this is so much more exciting. (Mara and August laugh)
August: That is such a full circle thing.
Miss Mara: Yeah, it really is.
August: Literally turning the thing that fueled shame into this really sexy, empowering freedom.
Miss Mara: Yeah. And it’s crazy because I guess I’m lucky too that, in my roles, I was just like Western school girl. I didn’t have to be like the Asian school girl, which is its own, like, fetish.
But in my case it was pretty generic and I didn’t have to like deal with, compartmentalizing that or like, telling some of my clients like, mm, okay. But also, you know, that this is kind of like racial profiling in a way, right? You know, so there’s that conversation to be had, too. But I was one of the lucky ones.
August: Oh my goodness. Pup, would you like to share anything about what you learned? Do you have any specific memories from growing up and learning something about sex?
Pup: Well, in the same vein, I actually grew up in a very religious household as well, so it wasn’t really on the table. And even the high school I went to was more, I mean, it was a religious type of high school. So most education regarding sex was biological and had nothing to do with your own personal desires and needs in a situation like that. So it was actually, a very lengthy process to kind of change that inside of me as well and just accept that what I want is important and then how I feel with other people is important to me, not because someone else is telling me how I should feel about it.
Miss Mara: Mmm.
August: That must come up a lot in kink, I imagine.
Miss Mara: Yes. . . (laughs)
August: It’s like a healing almost.
Miss Mara: Yes. Because there’s a lot of trauma that goes with that. You know, it’s, a bunch of people telling you not to be yourself or not to explore yourself, and then you have to mentally and emotionally come away, breaking that rule for yourself.
August: Yes. Yeah, it’s tough.
So we’re gonna play part of a version of a game. It’s called, you Don’t Know My Life. It was created by Dennis Hensley, who’s a wonderful colleague of mine. I’ve played the full game before on the show, and folks can go back and find that. In the actual game. It’s fun. You write down your answers to these questions where you tell a story and then everyone has to guess who said what.
Miss Mara: Oh…
August: So I really recommended, it’s one of my favorite games. But I pulled a few questions out and you know how, I can’t remember what game this is, but you add “in bed” or “during sex” after every sentence. You know what I’m talking about? Yeah. It’s like madlibs or something.
Miss Mara: Yeah. Yeah.
August: So some of the questions do tie into sexuality and relationships. Most of them don’t. And so I added something sexy to some of the questions, which you can do. You can take the game and make it like an R or X-rated type version of game if you want to. But today we’re just going to, go with a few of the questions. And I will start with one for us that we can all answer.
So each question is on a card. let’s start with: how did you learn about the birds and the bees ?
Miss Mara: Oh man. I think mine was in fourth to fifth grade, and that’s early because I was actually living in, Brazil at the time. And their science class Was way ahead of anything that I’ve ever, like they were doing enzymes and like dissecting fish and frogs and like earth worms at that age. And I was like, oh my god, live animals I’ve never seen before.
August: Oh my goodness!
Miss Mara: Um, so for me they were really quick on, reproductive systems and biology. And so I learned about, the male and female organs then. It was, I guess, less of a shock to me because I was like, oh, this is normal. That’s what other kids are learning. So for me it was like really quick.
But then in the states, they I think introduced it to me while I was a freshman in high school. Like that’s when other people started talking about it, the actual act of sex. And I was like, wow, this is really late. Like people are teenagers right now and I was like nine back then so that’s mine.
August: That’s better, I think, to learn sooner. I think one misperception about sex education is that people are gonna learn like specific positions when they’re a little child. And that’s not what it is. It’s, it’s actually learning the basics. Like just, just age appropriate. I love that you learned earlier.
Miss Mara: Yeah.
August: That’s great. Pup, do you recall learning about the birds and the bees?
Pup: Well, for the most part, as mentioned, it was, biological information. And it was, probably when I was around 13 years old when I first started getting education about that. Maybe a year or two earlier than that when I first understood it. But I definitely existed in the early, wild landscape of the internet where everything was extraordinarily accessible and you could find a lot of very extreme things very quickly without having to look very far. So.
August: Yeah, porn in your pockets, right? When you’re just, I mean, cuz if you ask a question and adults are, “don’t talk about that!” What are you gonna do? You’re gonna find the most explicit thing you could find. It happens a lot.
Mine, I don’t know if this counts as birds and the bees. But it was an attempt. I think I was three or four, I asked a relative how babies are made, and she said, when a couple loves one another, they pray about it and God puts a baby in the tummy.
And so I just accepted that as that’s what happens. And then I started to get like paranoia that if I thought too much about a baby, like if I held a doll or if I was thinking what a cute baby that God would think she wants to have a baby. Oh. So when I would have a stomach ache, even in kindergarten, I thought, oh my gosh, what if I’m pregnant? Like, what if God messed up the memo ?
Miss Mara: Oh man!
August: Yeah. So I did not get any biological info for a very long time.
Miss Mara: Yeah. That’s kind of scary though, as a kid. I hope that didn’t become like a trauma for you kind of situation cuz it’s like, you know, you’re worried.
August: I’m worried about a lot of things. But I also asked a ton of questions, thankfully. I started asking about sex really early. Most people wouldn’t talk to me about it, but I did start getting different variations of, those responses, which was helpful. So I don’t know why, but after I think kindergarten maybe. I just realized that, like, that’s kind of silly.
I also though, got kicked out of Sunday school when I was in kindergarten. Maybe that was why, for asking too many questions actually. . Um, yeah. Let’s move on to another question. Mara, why don’t you choose one?
Miss Mara: Okay. Oh, when was the first time I saw a dirty magazine or video? Um, this was also in Brazil actually. Um, I went to a friend’s house and her father was out, so it was just the mother, watching over us. But the mom kind of was like in another, in the living room, like watching TV or something, and we were playing or reading stuff in her room and I don’t know what came up, but probably sex again.
And she was like, “oh, my dad keeps a bunch of playboys in a magazine rack in his bathroom.” And I was like, “how do you know?” And she’s like, “cause I’ve seen it there. Like he doesn’t hide it,” I guess because everybody has their own bathrooms and so like his is just where he wants it. She was just like, “you wanna see one?”
And I was like, “sure!” Like, why not? So she ran and snuck into her dad’s bathroom, which is a beautiful marble bathroom, took out the, the one that was on the edge and brought it to her bathroom where we huddled and turned the pages. It was very wrinkly, . But that’s where I first saw like other women that were fully naked.
Because I didn’t go on porn at that age. Like I was a kid that played outside or in, you know, in other people’s houses. And so that was kind of like an eye opener for me where it’s like, oh, this is what people’s like idea of a sexy body is.
August: How did that make you feel to realize that?
Miss Mara: Um, I was about 10 at the time, so for me I was just like, wow, they’ve got big boobs, . Like, I was like, that’s something to look forward to. Maybe, I don’t know. But I was like, there’s um, an interesting eye that I caught because usually it’s the male gaze that’s taking the photos. And so when I do my filmmaking, I make sure to catch little details that maybe a lot of other people may not necessarily want to put in because it has more of a soft, sensual thing in there. There’s foreplay to it. There’s things leading up to that sexual tension. And I think that’s one of the takeaways that I found from that as a kid.
August: Ah, I love that. I love that. And the building and the anticipation is so hot.
Miss Mara: Yeah.
August: That’s beautiful that you capture that in your work. It’s important.
Miss Mara: Yeah.
August: That’s beautiful.
Miss Mara: Thanks!
August: What about you, Pup?
Pup: The earliest memories I have of that kind of material was I was at a friend’s house, cuz we didn’t have any of that material in our house. I don’t know if, I don’t remember if it was his brother or his dad, and he had some magazines under his, his bed and he’d pull ’em out and show me.
And I was like, whoa, this is like, I mean, I’d never seen anything like it. I don’t even think back then it was necessarily like sexually exciting, cuz I never had that like correlation between the imagery and the sensation. But it was definitely a very like stimulating response to just seeing this kind of provocative material in front of me.
August: Yeah, it’s interesting when it’s just sort of like the surprise, right? Mine was a surprise too, and it was my first boyfriend. This is a VHS tape. And I just hit play cause I was just like seeing what’s in the VCR and I actually was horrified.
Miss Mara: Oh no.
August: Because I had learned everything bad about the only thing I knew about porn. I mean, I don’t even know if I heard the word porn very much. Like it was just anything pornographic is evil and bad. And if women are involved, they are being forced into it. And also I think it brought up a lot of insecurities for me because I was already having a lot of body image challenges myself.
And so to think of my boyfriend being turned on by these other bodies who I thought were so superior to mine was devastating. I remember I confronted him about it and he was so apologetic. He actually thought it was bad, too, that he was looking at these other women and I think that was his religious upbringing and also what he had learned.
And he said, “well, you know, you have been traveling a lot.” Cause I had started, doing some work, traveling when I teenager and he said, “and I miss you, and I get very turned on, so what am I supposed to do?” And so we had kind of a sweet conversation about it and we made our own tape.
Miss Mara: Oh.
August: Which was a cool alternative, you know, it’s like we found something that would be more comfortable. But it just is so interesting to me that, you know, I think so differently about adult films now. But I can still remember that that tenderness, you know?
Miss Mara: That’s a great way to really like compromise though, that you actually thought of making your own tape because that’s kind of what people do with media now because it’s so instant.
Because the world on your phone is so accessible and you can just like instantly gratify yourself. The fact that you make time to like make something for your partner or like together, that’s like, ah, that’s so sweet. I love that a lot.
August: Oh, yay. I haven’t thought about that in a long time.
That’s what I love about questions that have you think about your own experiences because it was so long ago, but you can just bring it back to the surface and,
Miss Mara: And there’s nostalgia.
August: Yes. There was sweetness there. It wasn’t just the shame. So I appreciate that.
Miss Mara: Yay.
August: Pup, would you like to pull a card and ask a question?
Pup: Okay. I mean, I definitely have to say what the coolest sexual thing that we’ve gotten for free .
Miss Mara: Go ahead.
Pup: Well, we call it the washing machine. And it doesn’t necessarily exactly tie into what she’s gonna say. I think I know what hers is, but, she can definitely kind of elaborate a little more on both these things.
Miss Mara: So, so these are both toys that I got sponsorships for for my YouTube channel to review. And the washing machine was one of three different toys that is a male masturbator. And so you literally have different modes, to choose from vibrations, intensities, and stuff like that. For the longest time, I think, he’s into edging. For those who don’t know that it’s like bringing yourself to almost climax, but then stopping — so that you could do that all over again.
And this toy, when he used it for the first time, he didn’t even last 10 seconds because it was that intense. Because it’s a machine, right? So it’s very consistent. The inside is made out of silicone particles. The pattern of the actual, like membrane is supposed to mimic what a vagina feels like. So it’s very varied, but then it has all these like knobs and nubs coming out, and then it just does these twisty turning, sucking things. And so, oh yeah, that’s his favorite .
August: I’m trying to picture this. Does it look like a washing machine?
Miss Mara: No, it just sounds like one and it’s got the circular motor motion thing. And then you can actually take it apart cuz you put lube in it, for for ease and stuff like that. But afterwards you can actually take it apart and just wash the silicone part so the motor doesn’t get damaged.
So it looks like a tiny spaceship. It’s really bizarre, and like a toy from the future.
August: I love that. It’s so fun to receive toys becaus, it’s not one that you’re just choosing that you are like, oh, I know that I like this style. The surprises are fun.
Miss Mara: Yeah. And one of them actually comes with earplugs with a pre-programmed moaning girl in the back.
Miss Mara: It’s supposed to match the speed of the actual thing. So, it’s really cool.
Mine favorite is actually, her name is Candace. And she’s a 68-pound silicone doll. It’s a torso of a doll. You get to pick what skin tone she has. So she has like a light, fair skin and then olive skin, which is really interesting. She has access to literally all holes, without the head.
She’s very heavy, but you can flip her onto her back. You can put her upright. You can do a lot of things with her. And it’s crazy cuz I did like a spanking demonstration on her, and the jiggle is really realistic, which is crazy to me, like that you can make like this you know, synthetic material look and feels so real. Yeah. So I think with technology and how it’s going into the future, things are gonna look almost identical.
August: What a great way to learn.
Miss Mara: Yeah, that too.
August: Yes. So it’s like a torso.
Miss Mara: It literally is like neck to mid thigh.
Miss Mara: Yeah. She doesn’t have a lot of leg.
August: Did you name her yourself?
Miss Mara: No, that’s the model name.
Miss Mara: And there’s actually like another one that’s the super busty one and she’s Monroe with like wider hips and like, I think longer, I think it’s to the knee .
August: I like that because the toy companies that have reached out to me about a sex doll, the sex dolls that they have on stock all look so identical. They all look like just a bunch of Barbies, you know?
Miss Mara: Oh yeah.
August: And some of them look, they look so young that I’m like, I really wanna see diversity. And I wanna see like, 60-plus. Or at least please 20-plus. We wanna have these tools. I love that you said there’s different body shapes because we need that in our toys, too.
Miss Mara: Yeah. And, and I think that one is actually one of the more popular ones, Monroe, because, she looks more like a full-fledged woman, you know?
August: Yeah. I think my favorite was this vibrator called the Afterglow. It’s not available anymore, but it was created — and I’m not making this up — the doctor’s name was Dr. Zipper and it comes in this big wooden chest and you feel like when you’re opening it, music’s gonna fly out. It’s so majestic and it’s huge. It’s a vibrator, but it uses light energy, like UV light. It’s supposed to do something therapeutic to your tissues inside your body. So I don’t know exactly what the health benefits were. I just know that these programs with different vibrations lasted so long that it made me kind of edge, you know what I mean? It just really slowed the arousal down, which is kind of aggravating and totally exciting, like edging.
Miss Mara: Yeah, it totally is.
August: Because you’re just like, please, can I, please can I? And it’s like, Nope, we’re gonna slow back down and we’re gonna go this way and we’re gonna put some light in your armpits or whatever. And it just kept going and going and going… It was incredible. It was like a $300 vibrator, I think. I don’t know why it’s not on the market anymore, but I kind of wish it was still there because it’s such an experience. It’s more than more than toy, like Candace.
Miss Mara: Yeah. I love that.
August: Alright, so let’s do one more. Let’s see… How about when was the time that something good came out of a bad sexual situation?
Miss Mara: Hmm. This one’s a tough one. I think in my case, I’m gonna have to pull the race card on this one. I had a client who was a little bit racist and a little bit misogynistic because he wanted me to dress a certain way and act a certain way, and it was kind of toxic during play, which is crazy because he was such a nice guy outside of that.
But over time, me kind of putting up boundaries, first of all made me think of boundaries. And so I was like, okay, I can establish that for myself. And it’s okay to say that I don’t have to say yes to everything because he’s my client, you know? And so boundaries was a big thing. And then second of all, I took all the good things from those sessions and then actually made them my own and used them on other people from then.
So I think seeing the silver lining in things and not taking everything too seriously. You know, if a person’s not for you over time, I’m okay letting them go. All those three things are really valuable lessons in my profession.
August: Oh, that’s powerful.
Miss Mara: Yeah.
August: And I don’t think we can ever overlearn about boundaries.
Miss Mara: Mm-hmm.
August: Don’t you feel? It’s like a muscle and I feel like we probably will always be learning.
Miss Mara: Yeah. A hundred percent, to this day. Because sometimes things aren’t okay or easy for other people to experience. And I have to be okay with them saying they’re not. Even though I want to push them, like maybe over time I can, but it has to be at their pace, you know? And I have to respect that.
There were times in when I was younger where I really wanted it now and I wanted them to go the distance like now and that would hurt them. And then I would see the damage later and be like, okay, yeah, no, that wasn’t good. Like, bad me. But it’s something that I think you have to kind of experience yourself, too, because there’s only so much theory that you can have in your head. The relationships you have with other people and caring about them, too, that really helps with the motivation of that.
August: Yeah. Oh, so true. Thank you for sharing that.
Miss Mara: Yeah, of course.
August: Pup, do you have an answer for this one? Something that was bad but turned out to be good?
Pup: So when you’re, when you’re trying anything new, in most situations, you’re gonna, end up doing something that pushes against a boundary or makes somebody uncomfortable.
And it’s, this is particularly true in the kink world and when we first met, I was definitely a novice and still learning about things. So just, just through experiencing things with, with her, it has strengthened how we talk about things. So good communication and understanding not only what is good for you, but what is good for somebody else and like not good as like an objective situation, but as a subjective experience for both of you. And then finding something that works together to make the situation good for everyone involved.
August: Yeah, that’s so big. And again, a skill that you can learn in a sexual situation or in a romantic situation, and then take that into the rest of your life, you know? It’s so applicable to everything, I think, when we learn how to collaborate like that.
Miss Mara: I think also learning how to listen because there’s so many things that I’ve learned as a professional and I really had to slow down because I think very fast. I problem solve really fast and I’m always on the go, but when you really sit down and listen to a person’s needs and wants and desires, I feel like they feel they’re being heard. And then also, when you can use those things to their benefit, it makes everything so much more exciting and like fulfilling and satisfying. And so what you said earlier about slowing down and then just like being in that moment of things, you know, the other person really reciprocates that and feels that.
August: Ah, it sounds like such a more present experience, too. You’re right there with the person and with the experience, which makes it like a mindful practice.
Miss Mara: Yeah. It actually makes whatever it is you’re doing or the relationship more intense, right? Because you’re experiencing everything at the rawest moment and like how you are both like feeling each other’s energy at that time.
August: Oh, I love that so much. Yes.
This experience for me, something that started out negative, I’ve talked about this experience numerous times. It comes up a lot when people ask about any extraordinary sexual experience or life changing sexual experience. but I’m thinking about it now and I’m like, there’s so much good that came out of this. So I didn’t realize I had shame around self pleasure and masturbation, so I never did it for literally decades. I was 30 years old when I first engaged, which is normal for some people, you know?
But for me, I had held back. It was a place I just wouldn’t go. I did end up learning so much about my sexuality through partner sex, which is great before that. But once I embraced solo play, and I’ve heard this from other folks who tell me that they also started masturbating maybe at, you know, 20, 30, 40, or 60, that it gives you this Incredibly, profound experience of newness in your own body at an age where you’re a grownup and you have maturity.
And so at 30 years old, I almost had like the good parts of puberty, where you’re just like, oh my gosh, my body can do this? Like, what?! It was, it was actually really, really exciting and beautiful and also led to all the things that I do with, with Girl Boner, so I wouldn’t change the timing, you know?
Miss Mara: Can I ask you what made you decide to actually explore at that time?
August: Yeah, that’s a a great question. I was feeling really blah and I thought I was just a little depressed, and it turned out I was quite horny. But I was disconnected from that because I didn’t realize that my sexuality, I had really associated with another person.
It wasn’t mine first or on my own. And so my partner, a great partner, was away. So I didn’t have access to to anything sexual. And I was watching TV and I’m like scrolling through Netflix. And you know how Netflix recommends shows? This still cracks me up. I wasn’t watching anything explicit. It recommended Diary of a Nymphomaniac.
Miss Mara: Ah! (laughs)
August: Have you seen it?
Miss Mara: I watched the first part of it because I actually worked for Netflix for a while.
Miss Mara: But yeah, please continue.
August: Well, thank you if you played a role in this because it was great. Um,
Miss Mara: I wish I did.
August: Ah! I only watched the beginning that time, too, because it so exciting because it tapped into what I was feeling and not realizing I was feeling. And there was this woman who was so turned on and letting herself be so turned on and was being so sexual, and my hand involuntarily went to my crotch. It was just like this *gasp* moment, and then at the time I thought, Gosh, we have this toy. And this was before I was really into sex toys.
It was one of those joke gifts. You know, some people will give you like a, a toy. It was still in the packaging and everything. I crept upstairs. I was like a teenager. I was like, I’m gonna get the toy! It was so exciting. And truly what happened was, so I came using the toy. I called my partner, he was at work and I was like, “I just made myself come!”
And he was like, Um, like that, you know, just like, “oh, wow.” I mean, he was happy for me.
Miss Mara: Yeah.
August: And also I called him, he’s in the middle of all these people, can you imagine answering the phone? And he was like, didn’t know what to say, but was very delighted, too. So looking back, it’s like a wonderful conversation that we both are like, oh, that was so sweet.
But again, it was one of those teenage moments of like, oh my gosh, my body! I mean, it brought me to tears because I was so moved by it and then did experience a bit of grief, of like how different would my life be if I had really engaged in this sooner?
Miss Mara: I think it doesn’t really matter when, because there’s one of the films that I, I saw at one of the festivals and it was about how a woman became depressed because she was, after she got pregnant, like her body changed so much and she couldn’t enjoy sex as much as she used to. And then, she explored with different toys and then actually made herself squirt. And that was the first time also when she, it was a renewal and a rebirth for her.
She’s older as well and the fact that you can still explore or figure out there’s new things that your body can do, I think that’s so amazing. Because the human body is amazing. It doesn’t matter what gender you are, there’s always something else that you can like up the ante, you know, with and for.
August: Yes. Ah, I love that. I used to call myself a late bloomer and I have stopped because there’s some shame in that.
Miss Mara: Yeah. And like, who’s to say that you’re supposed to bloom now? Like, you know, bloom whenever you want to bloom, and then sometimes you bloom multiple times.
August: Yes! And in different ways, right?
Miss Mara: Yeah!
August: Like I, maybe that’s why I had orgasmic sex with partners, and I have friends who were like, that was the harder part for me with orgasm. Like, who knows?
Miss Mara: Yeah.
August: You know? We’re all on these blossoming journeys. Hopefully we’re always blooming like our whole lives. Yeah. Yeah.
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August: So I do have a question from a listener specifically for you. I shared that we were gonna be doing a round of this game. So I suggested would you like to come up with your own card, like your own situation to ask about? And here’s what the person wrote. They actually shared a little story themselves.
“Describe a situation, event, or time with a past partner that you clearly misunderstood or misinterpreted at the time simply because you were naive or young, innocent, sheltered, et cetera, that you cringe or are embarrassed thinking about today as a more enlightened or experienced individual.
For example, my friend as a virginal young teen was messing around with her boyfriend under a blanket while watching a movie, still living with mom and dad. Her boyfriend got super excited and came all over his stomach. She did not realize this at all. He asked her for paper towels.
She came back with a single tissue thinking he needed to blow his nose. He asked for paper towels, napkin again, and she still did not know why, even though he was trying to hint about the mess. This was his first time orgasming in front of anyone, so he was really embarrassed. A little touch handy, set him off so he couldn’t voice it.
She eventually brought paper towels because he told her he spilled soda. I told her the next day what probably happened, and she was mortified. She asked him later and he confessed. This was 1993 or 94. Thank God no phones then.”
There’s like such a sweet innocence about that. I can imagine being the person who’s like, oh, do you just need a little tissue? Here you go.
Miss Mara: Yeah… (laughs) Yeah.
August: Oh my goodness.
Miss Mara: Oh, man. Okay. So. I’ve only been with two partners, which is crazy because that’s well receiving penetration in my profession slash lifestyle. There’s been a lot more of me penetrating. And so I think the first time that that kind of happened, I started out with little toys. So like tiny butt plugs. I always start out with my fingers, that are gloves just to warm the person up, but the butt plug got stuck inside the person because they relaxed too much and then I miscalculated that they were not going to be able to hold the smallest one. And so they were really calm about it because I was calm ish.
Like, I pretended to be calm, but inside I was just like, oh my gosh, what if it really does get stuck? And they’re like, “do I need to call the ambulance?” And I was like, “no, no, no. I got it.” um, they’re like, “do I need to poop it out?” I was like, “no, I got it. I got it.” And eventually I did, but they had to spend a couple of minutes in the shower kind of just like calming themselves.
And I told them, I was like, “look, I know that was not expected of the scene. I know we kind of had to do other things, but now I know where you are, experience-wise with these toys, and you don’t need that small one anymore. And so I kind of had to tell it like that, but it was kind of embarrassing for me cuz it had never happened before. Yeah, now I am a lot better at gauging where people.
August: Oh my goodness.
Miss Mara: Hasn’t happened since then.
August: Ah! I can imagine that feeling cuz you’re like, this person…you could feel them panic probably, too.
Miss Mara: Yeah. And, and I know they were, but I I think I was really proud of myself cuz I was like, I put a hand on them while I was trying to search for it and I was just like, “you’re okay. I’m going to, I’m gonna get this out,” you know, blah, blah, blah, blah. But I think it could be triggering for them, too, because it was an ex who bought them that jeweled toy and they wanted to use it because they thought it was really beautiful but didn’t have the like strength to do it with their ex at the time. And I was like, oh man, that’s two strikes on my part. But it’s ok, I got it out.
August: And also well intended and you were able to help them through, so that’s so good. Did it not have like a base on it?
Miss Mara: It did. It had a jewel on the base, but I think what happened is that, instead of pulling it out directly, like, it came out at an angle and then the angle helped push the whole thing through when they contracted .
August: Oh, and then when you’re tense, I had an experience with a yoni egg. It was inside me, and then I was like, it’s not coming out. And then my whole body tensed up. So then it’s definitely not coming out, right?
Miss Mara: Yeah. Mm-hmm.
August: So you really have to relax, which feels so contrary when you’re freaking out a little bit.
Miss Mara: Right. I think I would be more freaked out if it was inside me, because if there was another person, at least they’re at an angle or at a perspective that they can see it or like feel for it. In his case, his ass was just up in the air the whole time and he was like, “I dunno what to do!” and I was just like, “just hang in there.”
August: Oh my gosh. The pitfalls of work.
Miss Mara: Yeah. But it never happened again cuz I, I learned my lesson from that one.
August: Yeah. That’s the important thing. Everyone was okay.
Miss Mara: Yep. No ambulance was needed.
August: Moved right on. Cause sometimes they are, right? A lot of folks do end up in the emergency room.
Miss Mara: Well, they also put really interesting things up themselves.
August: That’s true.
Miss Mara: But yeah. Lucky that he wasa repeat partner.
August: And that you were there. Was it, you know, I think it would be much scarier… he had a professional there who can calm the person down and help and oh, thank goodness that turned out okay. Yeah. In the end.
Miss Mara: Yeah. Out of his end! .
August: Yes. I know that question was for you, Mara, but anything to add, Pup?
Pup: I don’t really have anything that was embarrassing necessarily from me, so.
Miss Mara: Oh, you should tell them though, your first squirting experience though. Not you squirting, but making somebody else squirt.
Pup: I mean that was, it was definitely unexpected. We weren’t, we weren’t sure that that situation could happen. I mean, it was definitely manual stimulation and just kind of, aggressive is the wrong word. It was definitely an intense situation where there was just a lot of stimulation internally and I mean, I had seen videos and things on the internet that just kind of like tell you that if you do things certain ways, it could do that. But it’s definitely a group activity. That person needs to be relaxed and okay with their body releasing cuz from what I’ve been told is you feel a, a pressure and like a liquid that’s getting ready to come out and you’re like, ahhh.
So you need to be, need to be willing to have that happen as well. And it was definitely, um, it was definitely a surprise and also like in a, like a personal accomplishment to be like, oh, okay, cool, I can do this. And they can do this. And we can, we can make this happen whenever we want now. So.
Miss Mara: But that lucky girl got to experience that 56 times in a row her first time as well.
August: I love that that wasn’t even one of the main points for him, to say that. Yeah, it was, you know…
Pup: Well, I bring that up and, and it’s usually me who brings it up. And I’ve been told like, maybe you should…I don’t know… It’s just a situation.
Miss Mara: Well, cuz there’s times where it’s like nice to flex about it. But I think in this case for this specific question, it’s kind of like, I think the, from what he’s told me, like the girl also probably didn’t realize that she could squirt, and so she might have thought that she might have peed on herself, but then it just kept coming and, and coming out and literally, yeah.
Well, I don’t know. Did she come all those times? I think it was just more like ejaculation.
Pup: I think it was like 10 or 11 orgasms mixed in. Yeah, but I mean, there was, it was, it was a lot of, it was like four or five hours I think we were just having, it was a very long session. Not even just like penetrative sex…
Miss Mara: It was experimentation, because were you using these two or these two?
Pup: Middle two fingers.
Miss Mara: These two? Yeah. Usually it’s like I, I’ve seen a a tutorial on PornHub where this guy is telling the viewers how to do it and he has this lady in this like doctor’s seat, almost like a gynecologist chair and position and she hasn’t scored before, or maybe she did once and then, , as a demonstration to make sure that she can, and he was just like, yeah, just, you know, lightly do this. And then he was like, can I do that on you? And the girl was like, yeah, sure. And then that just kept going. .
August: Oh, it sounds almost like there had been maybe the potential to squirt the past. And it was like, no, I’m really letting loose. You know? Yeah. It’s almost a dam broke.
Miss Mara: Yeah, exactly. And it’s kind of crazy how much women can do that. It’s really intense. You literally have to put sheets down because It just literally gets everywhere. More so than, I think, giving birth. But I haven’t had personal experience with that.
August: And more pleasurable usually.
Miss Mara: Way more.
August: Exactly. So I’d love to hear some advice from both of you, something related to sex or pleasure. Anything that comes to mind that you think that listeners could walk away with?
Miss Mara: Well, before we got in this room to record, I think we had a really awesome conversation about how being able to give permission to yourself and allow yourself to like, explore different interests even if you don’t stay with those interests forever.
And that has come to me professionally too, with certain kinks. Like I thought I was gonna be super into caning somebody, and I, I still am, but it doesn’t give me the same joy as before when I break people’s skin, cuz I know that it’s damaging the outer layer and they’re gonna be bruised and stuff like that.
I still have a sadistic streak, but now I think I’m a little bit more like, oh, but I hope they bandage that properly at home and are cleaning it every day, you know, kind of situation. I’m more of like nurturing to that and I feel like if you ever have changes on your interests, like feel free to always communicate that because you don’t want that to fester in yourself or like the other person to resent you for, you know, not communicating that. Those things are kind of like the backbone of my practice and how I approach any relationship. And then also just be kind to each other. Like if somebody’s not feeling something that day, like that’s okay.
There’s so many other options that you can explore and do, and just be playful with each other. That’s what this is all about. It’s fun, you know?
August: Yes. I love that. And it can feel like a heavy topic because people do bring in so many barriers or past traumas and all these things, and it’s such a good reminder that the kindness and the compassion to hold space together and meet each other and one another where we are makes way for fun. It makes the path for fun and pleasure.
Miss Mara: Yeah, so for me, I always see the other person as a human being before they’re anything else. Like whatever title that they hold afterwards, whether it’s submissive or fetishist or whatever, they’re still a human being and I will always honor that first. And then, you know, we go into our negotiated things later. And I hope they do that in the same regard for me as well. Well, the ones that I do play with now, I select people who do reciprocate that.
August: That’s beautiful. What about you, Pup? Do you have advice to share?
Pup: I’m gonna touch also in on like checking in with your partner, but not just checking in during the act. I feel like it’s very underappreciated. Set aside time to be like, in a nonsexual way, where are you? What are you wanting right now? Just in general, what can I provide for you? What do you want to try, like recheck in as a conversation, not just in the moment of like, “Hey, we’re having fun. You wanna try something new?”
It’s like, think about your needs. Think about your wants and your desires outside of the sexual context where you’re not clouded by chemicals in your brain, just like fireworks so that you can really prioritize something. And if you do want to try something new, kind of outline that and like make a good path to get there and work together for it.
August: I love that. That’s such a good practice to think. I like the fireworks example, like the analogy of just all those sparks going off, and if that’s the first time you’re thinking about your wants or desires or needs it could get clouded.
Miss Mara: Yeah. It’s almost like a couple’s therapy, internally. Like if somebody isn’t into, let’s say for pet play, if they’re not into, you know, just barking in response to commands anymore, it’s like, oh, there is a problem because how are we gonna play like we used to? Or how are we gonna move forward with that, you know?
And so I think these conversations, before every session, no matter how I’ve long had a regular for, I always ask them, “How are you doing today?” It’s not just like, “Oh, how was your day?” Of course they can answer it that way as well, but I’m just like, I wanna know where they are mentally and emotionally because I’m going to take them into a spiritual space and I’m gonna take them into like a sexual space and they need to be okay, or at least they need to be willing to let me bring them to a space where they’re gonna be okay.
August: I think that’s something we could all probably work into our interactions. I love that. To be really where are you? What is the space we’re in? Where are you emotionally? That’s beautiful.
If folks want to learn more about you or work with you, how can they do so?
Miss Mara: My website is dominarmara.com. I also have a YouTube channel where I have different playlists where, if you’re new to kink and BDSM, I kind of have videos on like what the protocol is for, like meeting a mistress, what to expect from a professional, and stuff like that. The YouTube channel is Domina Mara. And my films are on there actually. I have had to censor some of them. So the full ones are gonna be, on, you know, the PinkLabel.TV and then I’m on Instagram and Twitter at Mara Domina. And I also have a jewelry collection at keepitkinky.us for, for fun stuff. There’s like shoe pendants and like, Yeah. Other dominant and submissive, I guess titles, on the necklaces and stuff.
August: like that. Ooh! I love that. I’m wearing my Crave vibrator necklace.
Miss Mara: I was gonna ask about it. I have the silver one.
August: They’re the best. Yeah. Yeah. I love my best Vesper. Wonderful. And folks can also tune into the YouTube to see this session.
Yeah. I just wanna thank you so much for having me and for, you know, allowing us to have this kind of conversation, which I think is really important, especially in today’s day. So, yeah, thank you.
August: Thank you. Mutual, both of you. This has been such a pleasure.
[acoustic chord riff]
August/narration: Find direct links to Domina Mara’s work, as well as to the game we pulled cards from for today, down in the show notes.
While you’re there, be sure to check out the Girl Boner Radio Patreon page. I’ll be making some changes to the show soon, which you can hear about first there. By joining you’ll also get access to a bunch of other extras, including a bonus clip for this episode, where we discussed a myth about the pet play kink.
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