What To Do When Your Partner Needs Porn for Sex

I recently received a question I’ve heard various forms of many times since starting Girl Boner®:

My boyfriend can’t seem to get or stay hard without watching porn, and gets defensive when we talk about it. He basically says, ‘It’s no big deal, everyone’s doing it,’ etcetera. I don’t want to make love only with porn on—every once in a while, fine, but every time? Plus, I’m worried about him. What should I do? – Sara

I’m so grateful for this question, partly because I know that for every time someone asks, there are many others who struggle silently. I’ve heard from people across the gender spectrum who are concerned about their own or their partner’s porn use—people who can only experience orgasm before a porn screen, have lost desire for sex with a partner or who can’t seem to think about anything else.

I don’t know what it’s like to feel dependent on porn, but I’m no stranger to addictive behaviors. While whether porn can fuel an addiction by clinical standards remains controversial, I personally believe that it’s vital we listen to and respect folks who struggle with compulsivity and related dysfunction, no matter what the specifics. (Many people argued that eating disorders weren’t legit for a long time, too. I don’t think this is all that dissimilar.) I also believe we need loads more conversations about all of this.

If you enjoy porn without experiencing any downsides, great! If not, I hope this post sheds some helpful light.

We’ve explored this topic before, and will keep doing so. Today, I thought I’d share a few experts’ advice for Sara, starting with Girl Boner®’s resident sex and relationship therapist, Dr. Megan Fleming:

The first thing I’d say is, trust your own gut and instincts. The fact that your boyfriend is getting defensive is sort of showing you he’s not very open or curious — because regardless of the place he’s coming from, he’s not in a sense making room for your experience, or as John Gottman, the famous marital researcher would say, he’s not open to influence.

I’m totally pro-porn, but when porn [negatively] impacts your sexual functioning, or your desire, then I think it’s problematic. I often say, we have tools in our toolbox. If you and your partner enjoy porn from time to time, great. And that could be true of any vibrator or any sex toy. But if you feel like you need it, and you can’t get aroused without it, to me that should be a red flag.”

It’s important for Sara to help her boyfriend recognize that when you’re watching porn, you get what you want when you want it, she added. You may be clicking through multiple images or may have multiple screes up at one time, whereas sex in-real-life is much slower. There’s more skin-on-skin contact, and it’s not as genital-focused.

When you watch porn repeatedly during arousal and orgasm, you can train your brain and body to respond to those stimuli—potentially exclusively. The same can happen with consistently using an intense sex toy or a particular masturbation style. Dr. Megan has worked with many people dealing with these issues, and the solution generally involves taking a break.

What would that mean for your boyfriend? Can he even imagine it? Can he imagine going 30 days, 60 days? The good news is that the body is incredibly responsive and receptive to learning new tricks and reestablishing a threshold for arousal that isn’t at its current tipping point… It feels like there’s a huge opportunity for exploration, if your boyfriend is willing to think outside of the box and look at this with you and try on new things together.”

Sex coach and educator Lauren Brim, who joined me in the studio, added this for Sara:

I think that if her partner is willing to go on this journey to discover sex between the two of them without porn, it needs to start with two things. He needs to start to rewire himself through his masturbation and self-pleasuring practicing, so starting to discover what fantasies in his mind turn him on. Men often, like women, need one thing that really excites them, then there’s a story in your mind. You exist in that fantasy, and the arousal develops into orgasm.

The second thing I think is that they need to have time as a couple where it’s okay for him to be soft, having time to just lie there naked, talking. I often find when a man loses his erection in sex, it’s fun to just lay down next to each other and just talk, and dump what’s on his mind for a while. It might seem related to sex, it might not be at all, and often through touching and being in that space together, the erection will start to come back, especially if there’s other kinds of play involved.”

It’s also important to validate other aspects of his sexuality, Lauren added. There are countless ways to connect sensually that don’t require an erection.

I also asked Gabe Deem, a mentor, coach and activist for better sex ed, who overcame similar dysfunction related to porn use, to weigh in.

My first piece of advice is do not do anything you don’t want to do, or feel uncomfortable doing. With that said, it sounds like you are considerate enough to try things for him, but he should also reciprocate that and take your concerns and desires seriously. If a guy is completely dependent on porn to get and/or maintain an erection,that is a big deal. This dependency has been termed by sexual health experts as porn-induced erectile dysfunction, and I know the pain it can cause a guy and a partner all too well, because it happened to me at the ripe age of 23.

I can assure you and him that not everyone is watching porn, anymore at least. I’m an active member in a growing community of hundreds of thousands of young guys who eventually couldn’t get it up without porn. However, after going a period of time without porn and and ‘relearning,’ or, as we like to call it, ‘rebooting,’ I, and countless others, can once again function sexually without porn.

Ultimately, he will need to determine if he does, in fact, have a problem that needs addressing or not. Both of you can find a community of support and information on my site rebootnation.org. I hope the best for you.”

Learn more about ongoing research on ways porn can affect cognition at YourBrainOnPorn.com. Gabe also has a number of YouTube videos you may want to watch together, and several related articles he’s authored on the Huffington Post.