“Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude.” — Zig Ziglar
Like many bohemians, I’ve had my share of odd jobs. One of my oddest gigs, playing a semi-voluptuous graduate student in a functioning morgue, introduced me to a man with a job far odder.
This Labor Day, I thought I’d share a story I posted last fall and revamped for today. While not Girl Boner specific, it’s definitely related! (In fact, I should track the guy down for an interview…)
*****
I should’ve known from the audition just how unusual the job would be. “Imagine you’re standing over a dead guy and he gets an erection,” the casting director prompted me.
I’m sort of glad I couldn’t use recall as inspiration. Regardless, I managed to land the role. (Woo hoo! Like who gets to add Dead Guy Boner Gal to their resume???)
I played a grad student in a physiology course, studying a cadaver with a group of classmates. Lucky for us all, we shot it in a fully operational morgue. *nose-quiver*
The premise: Before “Joe” became a cadaver, he’d consumed a GoFast energy drink. As I bent over the body in my low-cut scrubs, Joe’s penis gave my chest a firm salute. That’s right, friends! GoFast energy drinks keep one excitable, even postmortem.
The star of the set, in my opinion, wasn’t me, the other actors or even Joe’s elevating member. It was the penis operator.
I don’t remember the man’s name, but I recall his attitude. He not only operated but created the remote control penis precisely for such purposes. Throughout the shoot, he sat off-camera like a professional fisherman awaiting the next nibble. Then he’d spring into action, pushing buttons to stimulate the punchline fodder: SCHWING! Penisus erectus!
He didn’t laugh, make crude jokes, blush or show off. He stayed focused, taking pride in his work yet staying humble, and between shots was more than happy to answer a certain curious actress’s multitude of questions. (You’d be amazed at just how handy an erectile contraption can be in Tinseltown.) In a word, he was gracious.
There were numerous complainers on set, for understandable reasons. The place stunk of embalming fluid and who knows what else. There were actual corpses throughout the premise, and I’m pretty sure I spotted a bloody bra. Another actress nearly fainted about 17 times, and a few crew members were too nauseous to eat. But Mr. Penis Operator never faltered. Sporting a genuine smile, he stayed braced almost zen-like throughout the day for, er—action.
I know what some of you are thinking: How could a penis operator not feel happy? Ecstatic, even? He was in charge of the starring wang, after all, and Hollywood’s premier erection conductor! Well imagine sitting still in a stinky, weirdly lit corpse-cooler for hours on end, waiting to push a button then being scolded for being a half-millisecond off. Believe it or not, it’s not as sexy as it sounds.
When the director called wrap, the Happy Penis Operator smiled, thanked us all and left, probably eager to spend time with his wife and grandkids I’d learned about. The arguably most crucial member of the commercial gained the least amount of glory and praise. I hope he was paid well. I also hope he discusses his job at his grandkids’ school on Career Day. (Can you imagine???) Regardless, the experience and his strength of character have stuck with me.
As they say in theatrics, there are no small parts! (Put another way, size doesn’t matter.) I think the same holds true in our careers. Not all of our work will be glamorous or pleasant. But if we do what we love and love what we do, with chins up and hearts open, we’ll very likely go far. More importantly, we’ll be better able to savor the journey.
Before writing this post, I hadn’t seen this video—yet another perk of blogging. Thanks to YouTube, I can invite you to to sit back, relax and enjoy the show! Have a giggle and let it be a lesson to all: Do not walk or drive mindlessly. As for stimulant use, I’ll save that for another post. 
Who’s YOUR penis operator? Ummm… Let me rephrase. Have you encountered someone with an unusual or unpleasant job whose attitude rocks? Do you find it easy to stay positive through the grunt work?
Ha! Mathair and I are laughing are butts off! We’re so glad that you had the commercial posted as well. You look great BTW. I don’t think I’ve ever encountered someone with an odd job, but Mathair has had some odd things happen to her at work and kept trucking. On her first day working for the State Attorney, she got caught in her seatbelt and had to have one of the many Leon County Police Officers that were there cut her out. It was one of those automatic retractable ones and it had managed to trap her face to the head rest on her chair and pin her arms to her sides. It was actually her first job and she was at the ripe ole age of eighteen years old, just married and a couple of months pregnant with dear old me. Even through the embarrassment, Mathair still went to work, eager to provide for her family and climb the ranks in the law enforcement world. Of course, she blushed at the snide remarks the other secretaries made and the jokes that were unabashedly made by the men in the building, but she soldiered on nevertheless. Don’t think I could’ve done it. Probably would’ve ran home crying to my mommy. Great post, August. Loved hearing about your past. So intriguing.
I’m so glad you enjoyed it! The acting life certainly furnished some interesting stories…and while I much prefer writing, I do miss having others do my hair, wardrobe and make up (ha).
Mathair’s seatbelt trap story is priceless! I hope she’s able to giggle about it now, too. Very brave of her to forge on regardless.
Bahahahaha! August, this is priceless! So glad you included the commercial clip with the background story. You’re right – there are no small parts. (Especially in this commercial. Bud-ump-bump….) Seriously, it’s amazing how it takes a complete team of individuals bringing their specific talents together – no matter how obvious or obscure – to produce a finished project or product, isn’t it?
LOL Exactly, Dawn! And I marvel at the same thing… Crews will spend days on a commercial that lasts a few seconds.
I’m reading a book in which the protagonist is a movie director. I’m amazed at some of the scenes he does that may end up taking up five seconds in the movie but are of great importance to him.
It really is amazing, David. The crew, in particular, words extremely long hours—often for scenes that never even make the cut. I suppose it’s somewhat similar to writing a book, then cutting the “fluff.”
All things considered, I think I’ll pass on applying for that job.
LOL You’re too awesome at what you do anyway.
Okay, dear August. This article left me crying behind my desktop… I was laughing so hard, it was nearly painful.
I thought it was great you added the commercial! Thanks for that!
You’re doing such a great job in the commercial – as well as with your writing! Thanks for the laugh – I really just needed one!
LOL Aw… I’m happy to hear that, Raani! You crack me up all the time! Chuckling really is great medicine, right?
I think the best application of grace-under-pressure I’ve seen lately is the Australian runner at the last Olympic games, who came last in his heat. On camera afterwards, he talked about what an honour it is to make it to the Olympics at all. This in a year when Australian swimmers threw tantrums at only getting silver.
I love that he expressed that, Sarah! I’ve often marveled at Olympians who place 2nd, 4th or 10th and seem totally crushed. I’m sure “losing” can be a letdown, but as that swimmer said, IT’S THE OLYMPICS! (Easy for me to say, but still. :))
Gosh. What a titillating title! Love it. As for the whistle while you work kind of folks? There was this couple who used to clean my retail store. It didn’t matter how big or small a job they had, they always had a smile. They also had a little bit of language barrier, but it didn’t stop them from cheerfully chatting with my staff as they cleaned. They brightened our day.
Happy cleaners—that’s huge, Kitt! I think the whole world would be a brighter place if everyone whistled while working. (I’m sure you brightened their day, too. :))
LOL that is too funny! If my brain was working better I’m sure I’d have a wonderful witty comment right now.
That is hilarious! You looked awesome and I love your line, ‘there are no small parts’ LOL
Hi August, it’s me Mathair, coming by your blog to snatch up Inion & tan her hide but good, for tellin’ my seatbelt story! LOL~Just kidding! Funny enough, I still turn beat red when I think about it, even though two weeks after that incident they recalled the vehicles for the defect! Now for the real reason I came by. Inion & I have nominated you for: The Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award. So when you get a chance, swing by our blog to pick up your nomination~
Hilarious! Good on the – uh – puppeteer for being so professional through a day’s hard work. (I had to say that…) And unsurprising that it took a day to get less than 30 seconds finished material. You were pretty professional too, to put up with the ‘ick factor’ of a real morgue..
I suspect writing has a better hit rate for time-to-finished-output. Maybe. Thanks for sharing the clip – a good laugh!
Love the commercial…and the fact that you got to know the erection guy so well.
I have to say the worst job I’ve ever seen is the guy who cleans my septic tank out once a year. That is a HORRID job. The smell is so bad once he turns the suction thing on that I’m sure people can smell it five miles away…and he bends over the tank without benefit of a gas mask…and winds up with all sorts of icky black stuff on his hands and clothes. He still thinks I’ll take the receipt after I hand him my check, but he’s still wrong. I’m not touching it. And he still laughs at me. Every time.
The erection guy? LOL I love it, Kristy.
Ew! I can almost smell the horridness of that gig… Sounds like Mr. Septic Tank Cleaner has a great sense of humor. Wow.