Sex, Intimacy and Neurodivergent Women: Emily, Kat and Rachael

 

“Sex, Intimacy and Neurodivergent Women: Emily, Kat and Rachael”

a Girl Boner podcast transcript

August/narration:

What is it like dating or having sex with someone who’s neurodivergent? What about cultivating intimacy as a neurodivegent person? How can you have a fun, gratifying sex life when dysregulation, rejection sensitivity, distraction, or having zero filter enter the picture? Today’s stories touch on all of this.

Neurodivergence is a term used to describe a brain that processes information differently than the masses. It’s a topic queer sex educator, Emily Zawadzki specializes in – particularly since meeting her now wife.

[music]

Early on, Emily’s sexuality journey started with unanswered curiosity.

Emily: Honestly from a very just kind of like sociological standpoint, I’ve always really found sex and just the human body to be very fascinating. And so I was always asking questions and trying to find out more.

One time I was younger playing doctor with one of the neighborhood boys. And I was, maybe like 10 or 11. And it was at a daycare, actually, so it was the daycare provider that had caught us and was kind of dealing with the situation.

And what I remember was that like, for me, that experience was not something that was like sexual or pleasurable in nature. It was very much just like, wow, we have very different bodies. And like, what the heck is that thing? Mine feels like this, and why does yours feel like that? So, I really couldn’t understand when we got caught, why we were getting in trouble.

Why is this such a bad thing? And I remember I had so many questions about the body and like what we were discovering at the time. And they were all going unanswered, whereas he maybe had some questions as well, but those were getting answered.

So it was kind of like telling me you’re not even allowed to be interested or curious in this topic, especially as a girl. But like, that didn’t stop me from turning it into a full on career.

August/narration:

Today, Emily identities as a lesbian.

Emily: But I was raised Catholic so there was a lot of, I feel like mixed messages growing up of like what was allowed to be in relationships and sex.

I did start to become aware of my attraction to girls maybe at like 15 or so. I remember Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl” song had just come out and while it’s like, it hasn’t maybe aged finely, um, at the time it did kind of like give me almost like an excuse to explore that. I just realized like I was really into kissing girls.

August/narration:

When Emily was in university, in 2012, she officially came out.

Emily:

And I remember at the time actually really only saying that I like girls. I wasn’t really giving myself a label at the time ’cause I didn’t really know what was gonna fit me. So I, after some soul searching, like I did realize that I’m a lesbian and I also identify as a femme lesbian at that.

August: For folks who aren’t familiar with the term femme, how would you describe that for yourself?

Emily: So for me, it’s both aesthetic as well as kind of political, and in aesthetic sense. It’s just any person who likes quote unquote very stereotypically girlier kind of things, and who likes to express their gender in a more feminine way, which I do. But also for me, it is a political thing in the sense that in my experience, femme lesbians have either been hypersexualized by society and or completely erased like they’re just gal pal things, right?

So for me, holding onto that identity gives me power and strength to be like, yes, I am feminine. I am just as dykey as the rest of them. And that’s how I like to show up in the world and take up space in the world.

August/narration:

Emily wasn’t looking for a serious relationship when she met her would-be wife, Emily. Yes, she and her wife share the same name. I’ll call Emily’s wife her nickname, Moose.

Emily: We actually met online. We did meet on Tinder, classic. I was coming out of a really, really hard breakup at the time, so I was actually really only looking for sex and more of a physical connection. And Emily had recently come out and hadn’t really had a whole lot of sexual or romantic experiences with women, just like a handful.

We were like talking a little bit just to kind of like get to know each other kind of thing. But it was under the premise that like, the first time we actually like met in person, she came over to my house and it was like under the pretense of a hookup.

Yes. And we did hook up. But it was interesting because when we first started having sex, it wasn’t the greatest of sex. For her it was extremely dysregulating.

So with crying and panic attacks. And I didn’t understand why my partner was distracted or having these panic attacks and crying when we were having sex and like they were taking us both really out of the moment.

We didn’t really know what was happening. We’re dealing with this interesting situation sexually, kind of like behind closed doors, if you will. But romantically, as we’re starting to date and get to know each other, everything is going so great. We are realizing we have similar values, what we have in common. We had a first summer together. We did so much fun adventuring

And it’s honestly still one of my favorite memories of our relationship. And we’ve been together for seven years now. But it was interesting because we were trying to navigate what was kind of going wrong sexually. We really could have chalked it up to not being sexually compatible and just kind of moved on. But then I would’ve missed out on the love of my life. Right. So I’m glad that we didn’t do that.

August/narration:

For a while, though, sex remained challenging for the couple. An experience that stands out for Emily happened after their first Pride together. [

Emily: We were feeling the vibe, having a good time being amongst other queer folks.

We got back to the Airbnb, all riled up and ready to go. And yeah, midway through, I can just kind of tell that she’s starting to feel off, maybe feeling a little bit distracted, starting to get a little bit quiet.

I’mlike, “What’s wrong? Is there anything I can do to help you?” We didn’t really know what we were dealing with. So she had a harder time communicating what was happening, but all I remember is that she was just like crying, crying, crying to the point where like when I was asking her about it, she was becoming more dysregulated and to the point where she actually had to leave the Airbnb for a moment. [“Oh Party” upbeat music]

August/narration: 

That was both a learning moment, she said, and tricky one.

Emily: Because I like to solve things as quickly as I can. Otherwise my anxiety kind of gets the best of me sometimes. But that was a learning moment where she realized in the moment, like, I think it’s actually better if we take a pause, come down from maybe that high energy dysregulation a little bit, and then can come back to better support and talk about things from a more, a more like clear headed kind of space where we can actually talk about things without having them take over the conversation basically.

August/narration: 

A couple of years into the relationship, Moose starting seeing content on social media about ADHD and related to a lot of it. She shared her revelations with Emily and they looked into it together.

Emily: We were like, there’s a lot here actually that could be ticked off. So she brought it to her, therapist and they started basically the process of diagnosing. I was actually a part of that. I had to fill out a questionnaire survey type thing as the partner and to kind of help the doctor reflect on, or the therapist I guess, reflect on what her behaviors were and what her thinking was like. They took some people of her inner circle to kind of use for diagnosing.

August/narration:

Once they got Moose’s official diagnosis for ADHD, a lot of things clicked.

Emily: There was a lot of like, ah, yes. That all makes sense.

August/narration:

Around the same time, Emily realized with her own therapist that she’s a highly sensitive person, or HSP.

Emily: And there is a bit of overlap between the two. I’d say like a lot of people who are, ADHD have a lot of HSP traits, but it doesn’t like go vice versa. Not everyone who has HSP has ADHD kind of thing.

August/narration:

With Moose having an ADHD brain, which tends to bring high sensitivity, and Emily being highly sensitive, they were able to channel some of those deep emotions and care into supporting each other.

Emily: We’re understanding each other a little bit more emotionally.

August/narration:

That changed how they communicated, especially around sex and intimacy. The most helpful thing, said Emily, was learning about rejection sensitivity dysphoria, or RSD.

Emily: Which is basically like a heightened emotional sensitivity to things like criticism, rejection, failure, things like that.

She realized that she was feeling that like RSD, that rejection sensitivity dysphoria, that was stemming from feeling like she had like a lack of confidence and like a lack of experience from being newly out and not having been with a lot of women.

August/narration:

And when Emily would try to help their sex issues, her well-intended suggestions felt to Moose like rejection.

Emily: During sex, like what were helpful pointers or just regular sex talk, like move to the laughter, you know, like that kind of thing, she was actually taking that as sexual criticism. How I was used to communicating my pleasure to partners, like she wasn’t really, getting that.

And so it was leading her to thinking that like she was letting me down or not doing a good job or not performing well. And that was basically just like making her nervous system a mess and dysregulating her to the point where, yeah, she was like distracted or crying and sometimes just not even experiencing arousal anymore.

August/narration:

Once they understood what was happening, Emily and Moose could change their approach and their communication to improve things.

Emily: We’ve kind of had to stop and check in sometimes. So I can maybe be a little bit more reassuring with her that like I may be needing something specific for her in that from her, in that moment. Or just reassuring that like, “Hey, like everything’s okay. I’m actually in my own head because of this stuff, and maybe you could help support me through that by doing this.” And letting her know that it’s not that something that she’s doing wrong, it’s just something that maybe I maybe need help with.

August/narration:

Moose has learned ways to communicate her needs to Emily during sex when she’s dysregulated as well.

Emily: What she does now is she tries to do is put me in a hug or give me like a, a little handhold tight squeeze and say, I’m just taking a moment. I will be right back in five minutes, like puts a time kind of thing on it.

And then says we can come back and we can discuss when I’m back, I just need to basically come down for a moment. And so I think that was really big because she now has a tool at her disposal that she can use, and it’s also something that we can communicate about that helps both of us in the moment.

When you’re anxious or when you’re dysregulated or experiencing RSD or all of the above, it’s really hard to kind of access those tools and just kind of the words that you wanna use to communicate and express yourself in, in a better, efficient way or in a way that you know your partner’s going to respond better to. And so, yeah, I think that’s really helped us to kind of lean into those things a little bit more.

August/narration:

Just like all types of brains, the ADHD or otherwise neurodivergent brain, brings mighty strengths, too. And really the challenges are all about a lack of understanding, resources and support.

Emily and Moose have worked one of Moose’s neurodivergent traits – known as stimming — into their intimacy in this beautiful, creative way.

[Stimming-type music: repetitive, relaxing]

Emily: We kind of just stumbled upon it actually. So stimming is the repetition of certain physical movements or vocalizations. It’s also a really calming activity that they can do in Emily really likes her stemming, so she has fidget spinners. She usually needs something in her hands to kind of keep her occupied and help her calm and kind of just regulated, I’d say for the most part. But one thing we’ve done recently is we’ve tried to incorporate her stimming as a way of intimacy actually.

So for me, I feel so intimate and loved by my partner when she’s touching me, whether we’re holding hands or her hand is on my leg or something. So lately she’s just been trying to incorporate her stimming somehow on my body.

So if we’re in the car driving and my hand is on her leg, she’ll do her stimming on my hand kind of thing. Or like if we’re cuddling and she has like an arm wrapped around me, she is doing it on my back or something like that. So it’s been kind of really nice because she’s letting out these physical stims and like calming herself and keeping herself regulated and like mindful in the moment.

And I’m also feeling very loved and closer to her. So it’s kind of been a win-win actually.

August/narration:

Emily shared a practice related to her story that I think we can all learn from, which I’ll share near the end of the episode. First, another story.

Kat, a mother of four in Missouri who asked to stay anonymous, talked to me about her own experience as someone with another type of neurodivergence.

Kat: I have Asperger’s. So like I can look into this camera lens ’cause it’s not a person. but I can’t look at you on the screen. In fact, I have you push down a little bit. Not that you’re not gorgeous, but I don’t like to look people in the eye.

I also suffer with some pretty deep depression. We vacillate on whether or not it’s depression, or it might be complex PTSD, but for the most part no matter which it is, I have it pretty under control.

August/narration:

Here’s how she described Asperger’s syndrome – which is considered part of the autism spectrum.

Kat: Some people call it a disorder, but it just means my brain doesn’t process feelings the same way you do. Like my brain’s just wired differently.

I was determined to not be typical at the age of, two and a half because I didn’t show the emotion other kids did. Other kids, like they follow their parents around, they get super excited when their parents like come back. I was just off in my own little world playing with stuff.

They thought maybe I was, I had some sort of speech problem, or maybe even a hearing problem at first because I just had no inclination to talk. And then one day I just said like three or four sentences perfectly, and they were like, “Oh, that sounds more like Asperger’s.”

In very small children it, it tends to seem like you have next to no interest in interacting with other people. And what it actually is, is you tunnel visionly focus on one thing and you go straight for that thing. So these other people talking to you, you’re like, that’s great. I’ve gotta. I’ve got stuff to do. These blocks will not build themselves.

People think I’m so robotic, but like, I also cry in corners very frequently. I have no filter. Well, I have some nylon bag. That’s what I call it.

August: Stretchy and see through.

Kat: Yeah, exactly. Stretchy and see it catches stuff sometimes I like to say it catches the bigger stuff.

But I have next to no filter, so like, I hurt people’s feelings very frequently and I don’t mean to. I will just say something and it sounds so harsh, but I didn’t mean it in a harsh way.

A good example is my son. My son’s also as Asperger’s. And I’m fat. I use that as a descriptor, not like putting myself down. I’m just saying like, if I go missing, please tell the cops, like, “fat Black woman, about yay big.” It’ll help me get found.

August/narration:

Kat’s son uses the word “fat” as a positive or neutral term, too.

Kat: So he like attributes, really happy people with being fat. And so when we go out to stores sometimes, ’cause he is pretty young, he goes up to people and he’s just like, you’re so fat.

And what he means is he likes you. I make being fat not a bad word in this house, it’s just a descriptor. It’s like saying I’m Black or I have brown eyes. So when he does it to other people, he does not get this. He’s trying to say, “you’re like my mom.”

August/narration:

Kat’s family now calls such blurts, when someone says something others deem inappropriate, “fat moments.”

Kat: I tend to say something maybe I did mean it in a like constructive light, but it comes off so bad, so it’s great.

August/narration:

For much of her adult life, Kat found navigating romantic relationships difficult.

Kat: Again, that bluntness. Like when I go out to conventions and stuff, I know “be very guarded, talk very slow” because you don’t want to hurt the feelings of people who don’t know you and don’t have sub-context.

But then when you get comfortable with someone, that nylon bag you call a filter tends to go away. And that happens really, really quickly with people with Asperger’s because again, we hyperfocus.

August/narration:

An example came up when Kat was talking with a friend.

Kat: I was telling her how I end up going to work at night, and she’s like, oh yeah, I end up falling asleep at my computer.

I’ll start working 30 minutes later, I’m asleep at my desk. And I’m like, that’s an interesting problem because I start working and the next thing I know, it’s noon the next day.

So, when it comes to hyper-focusing in, in the relationships, if I start focusing on something else and you walk up on me and ask me a question, the bluntest thing, almost like a nineties sitcom, is about to come outta my mouth.

So you have to be prepared for that. And that sounds like I’m like, oh yeah, you have to be prepared for it. I’m working on it, but it’s not something I really control that much. So that means that I had to work on also getting my partners to understand like, if I hurt your feelings, stop me. Pull me out of that moment so I can apologize and actually process through what I’m thinking so that it didn’t make sense to you and it’s not hurtful.

August/narration:

Kat might say, “Your breath smells bad,” if you’ve just had a meal together, for example. Not as a judgment, but just as an honest thought that comes blurting out. Or she’ll say something about herself while making out that might feel out of place to a partner, like “I just had a bowel movement.”

When Kat does say something sexy or romantic, it doesn’t always land the a partner would expect. Like telling her partner he’s really hot in a flat tone while she looks at the floor..

Kat: Again, I don’t tend to look people in the eye, so then what I’m saying doesn’t feel as genuine to someone who’s neurotypical.It can be a challenge, but luckily ’cause I’m just used to it, I’m able to articulate that to my, my wife and my wife gets it. She’s like, yeah, you’re not gonna look me in the eye.

Yeah, especially when you’re not thinking and you’re actually in the middle of a orgasm. Some weird stuff will come out in like these robotic moments when I’m getting off and my brain just goes into, I call it aspy mode.

I remember one time I like just started screaming out, “wah-ka-ka-ka-kah that’s pleasant!” Almost exactly like that.

It is just flew out of my mouth, kinda Like some people default to like, “oh daddy, yes!” Or something. Weird stuff comes out. I don’t know why I turned into a chicken. I don’t know why it was pleasant, but those were the words that came out. And I remember my wife was eating me out and like her head popped up and she was just like, “really?” She’s like, “Some weird stuff’s happened, but not that.”

I don’t have a reason for why that happened. I’ve tried thinking it through and I just, that was a great orgasm. It just took me places and apparently I went somewhere. I went on a farm.

August: That really took you places I it transported you to another village across the country. Not many can say that.

Kat: And I said it so robotically. and she stopped ’cause she thought I was like messing with her. And I was like, no, wait a minute. And she’s like, “Really? Not judging.”

She’s very supportive. She’s amazing. And so caring and so stinkin’ sweet. She’s a rockstar. I don’t… well, nope. Nope. I said up and stopped saying I don’t deserve her. But she’s fabulous.

The other side of the coins being very blunt is I have no poker face. So like if I’m feeling something and I’m like really like happy, I cry. If I’m really sad I cry. I just cry all the time. I usually cry more so, ’cause I’m happy ’cause I’m just overjoyed. And,, so people think it’s fake, which has made it to where some relationships crumbled because they thought it was fake and I meant it.

So like, even in like moments where like one should try to keep it together, it’s hard to do that.

Also, because of Asperger’s, I can’t differentiate someone with ill intent towards me. I really am that child that gets in the van with candy. As an adult, it’s not fun to deal with. I luckily have supportive people around me who will stop me from getting in the van.

But I’ll get in the van with the candy and I will drive off with people. I tend to believe other people are just like me. So if you’re telling me you’ve got ocean front property in Arizona. I’m probably gonna believe you and put together a down payment and Western Union it to you.

Yeah. It’s fun. It’s great. doesn’t make for the best of romantic situations, which is why I’m very grateful for my wife who has done nothing nefarious.

August/narration:

Living with Asperger’s has brought Kat and her relationships strengths, too..

Kat: I remember being very, very sad one day because someone did lie to me and I call my really good friend Shayna, and she was like, my heart breaks for you because you get so happy, you’re so positive. You’re so like, ready to believe this person, and then you get let down.

She’s like, but I’ve known you for like 20 years now and she goes, “And tomorrow you’ll be right back up as if nothing happened.” And it’s true, like you can’t be this superly, overly emotional about everything and not be very resilient or you wouldn’t make it to the age of of 33.

I do tend to bounce back from disappointment very, very quickly, which has made it to where I’m able to have and find relationships.

August/narration:

The way her brain works, and living in culture that’s not always accommodating or understanding of Asperger’s, have also, in some ways, lead to her meaningful relationship with her wife.

Kat: A lot of people given what I went through, would probably be pretty nihilistic that this is not gonna work because nothing ever works. ‘Cause who could love the person who’s crying ’cause they’re happy all the time? Or they say hurtful things when they truly don’t mean it. Just ’cause they don’t understand how it hits the ear.

But no, because of that, I was able to find the person that I love and have an amazing relationship so. And also tunnel vision is a great thing. I knew I, wanted her and I was hyperfocusing on making sure that, like, I did not screw this up. So 10 years later, I still haven’t screwed it up completely. She’s still here.

August: Aw.

August/narration:

Kat is working on self-acceptance and that self-deprecating humor. But she really is proud of her relationship, and of the loving and caring person she herself has evolved to be.

Kat: Being different, being neurodivergent has shaped who I became because I was so different.

I was always the kid that when I saw people picking on someone that became my friend, I don’t care how weird they are, I don’t care what they’re into, that person’s gonna be my friend. I’m always kind of going for the underdog, like I’m always looking for a Sea Biscuit, is what I tell people.

So yeah, I think that that really did foster me being willing to listen to different ways of the way people function, if that makes any sense. I became a much happier person when I just said I’m me. And I kind of actually lead with my Asperger’s.

When I’m interested in someone, it’s one of the first things I tell them. When I see that this is going to develop into some sort of friendship, then if it’s going to go into a relationship, it’s one of the first things, my name, my age, my dating status, and then Asperger’s. It’s right up there. Because it’s a beautiful thing. It’s not bad.

 

August/narration:

So much more becomes possible when we don’t shun ourselves and go, oh my gosh, why am I this way?

Kat: Yeah, cuz hen I stopped, I’d be like, oh my gosh, you’re in your thirties or you’re almost 30 years old and you’re falling for all of these people who lie to you. It’s easy to get down on yourself for the cons of having your neurodivergence, but I’ve recently start saying, nah, like, I’m going to be 60 years old and falling for this stupid stuff. And it’s not my fault.

We wouldn’t be mad at like someone in a wheelchair where there’s no ramp and they’re trying to like find a way around something. So I refuse to be mad at myself. I can feel sorry if I hurt your feelings. I can feel genuinely sorry. And then go eat a pound of ice cream as I’m one to do, and cry softly while watching some show that makes me feel guilty. Need to stop that.

But I’m not going to beat myself up because I did something that my brain makes me do. I will try to make it better if I mess something up, but I’m me and like there’s some things that I can’t help and either I’m gonna be miserable being myself or I’m going to embrace it and hopefully help other people understand this condition so that then we learn coping mechanisms and how to understand each other better.

People don’t understand that we’re robots, but we are exceptionally emotional robots. And they’re like, “That makes no sense.” I don’t even know how to make it make sense, but it does.

Things are very black and white. So like if you’re upset about something, I may not understand how you’re upset about it, but If I hurt your feelings, it will hurt me for months. It may have been something where you’re over it in like 10 seconds, but I will be ruminating on that forever.

It’s more of an introspective thing like when I get happy, I get happy, I cry, I start snot ball crying like a crazy person. My emotions are very they’re more amplified. So like, again, if I’m happy, whereas you would be a level two, I am a 10. There’s really no in-between.

I see things very black and white. I’ve learned to acquiesce and understand that there’s gray and understand that I’m never going to understand the way you do. It’s more of just accepting that it’s gray.

[encouraging, acoustic music]

August/narration:

Back in 2020, I spoke with sex and relationship coach, Rachael Rose, about her experience with ADHD – and some ways it can impact sex and intimacy.

Rachael has the combined type of ADHD,  which includes traits of the two subtypes known as hyperactive and inattentive. She was diagnosed in her early teens and it was sort of an afterthought.

She told me that her brother presented more of the stereotypical hyperactive boy symptoms that so many people associate with ADHD. After he was tested, her parents thought, well, maybe Rachel should be tested too. Even after her diagnosis, Rachel wasn’t as convinced.

Rachael: I didn’t actually think I had it, and actually that went all the way through my twenties up until maybe like four or five years ago when I realized I might be like the poster child for it when I had a better understanding of what ADHD was.

And it’s funny ’cause I, I used to just think like, oh no, I’m like a head in the clouds kind of person. I’m just like artsy and creative and my class is boring. Why would I wanna pay attention? I’d much rather just like live in my head or doodle on my notebooks. I did well in schools and so I think that like, I was like, I don’t think I have this.

I was medicated and I found the Adderall that I’ve been on for many, many years to be helpful with like waking up and getting other things in my life done. And so I was like, well, if they wanna give this to me because they think I have this thing, sure, this works for me. Only to later in my twenties have a a therapist who also had ADHD.

And had done like a bunch of their like dissertation in that field and would like point out different things to me that I was saying. And she would be like, “Oh, that’s an ADHD trait,” or, “That’s really common in this” and it was in such a relatable way that I was like, oh damn.

August/narration:

Rachael pointed out that ADHD involves low or dysregulated dopamine levels, compared to non-ADHD folks. And that can play out in a bunch of different ways. One is time and task management.

Rachael: People with ADHD, they don’t have enough dopamine to like get them to do the thing,

August/narration:

The thing they don’t want to do, even if it’s super important.

Rachael: And so where a neurotypical person would be like, oh, cool, I have like five things to do. I gotta pay this bill, I need to walk the dog, I need to do the dishes, and you know, whatever else it might be. People with ADHD don’t have like the dopamine that actually gets you to get up and go do that thing. And so we’re often really seeking dopamine.

August/narration:

I relate to this, as an ADHD person myself. The medication that helps Rachel have get-up-and go and get things done keeps me out of severe anxiety and depression, often settles my brain, and helps me sleep. Everyone’s a little different.

ADHD can also make long-term monogamous relationships either way more ideal and feasible or not a good option for you at all.

Rachael: I’m polyamorous, meaning that I have multiple relationships in my life. But I, prior to that wasn’t a long-term monogamous relationship. And my partner and I decided in like maybe 20 16, 20 17 to open up our marriage and to start seeing other people as well. And it’s been really great.

But I can definitely see very clearly how ADHD plays a role in things. One, it’s new and so that it kind of both makes it clear, but also like new things are like ADHD candy and you wanna chase after them a little bit. Seeing how things like NRA, like new relationship energy, that happy buzz you get when you start dating somebody new and you’re really into them, how that can be perhaps problematic if you feel that for every new person you date, but you have long-term partners you care about deeply trying to like balance their needs versus like your desire to just spend all the time feeling happy and full of dopamine. That kind of like happy buzz.

August/narration:

She’s also seen how a lack of a sense of time and time management challenges, associated with ADHD impact sex and dating.

Rachael: You know when you live with somebody and they’re around all the time, even if you super wanna have sex with them and it’s fun, suddenly it’s always available in a way. You find it hard to prioritize that over the other things that you may need to get done that may have a strict timeline or are causing you more stress or whatever. And so next thing you know, you’re like, yeah, yeah, yeah, well gimme 15 more minutes.

Gimme 20 more minutes. I just need to finish this up. And next thing you know, it’s like two in the morning and you’re partner’s falling asleep three hours ago. As a night person end up in that one more often than I probably should.

August/narration:

Whatever kind of brain you have, it impacts sex hugely. If your is of the ADHD variety, fantasy and hyperfocus might fall among your biggest bedroom strengths. Also in 2020, I talked to sex therapist, Dr. Megan Fleming about this.

Dr. Megan: Where there’s a focus on something that’s of interest, it’s kind of hyper interest and hyper-focused for those with ADHD. So honestly, for many sex is the one place that their mind can kind of quiet down, so to speak. ’cause they’re super focused either on the sensation and or fantasy.

Fantasy can be a huge piece of their turn on. And so if they know how to use that with their partner and be sort of talking out loud and sharing that fantasy with their partner, it’s a real sense of instead of the distractibility, that ability to truly feel your partner with you.

I think that can bring a lot of intimacy to a couple. And then I think it depends on the dynamics of the relationship, but if fantasy is an important piece of it, sex is actually a really great place for them to be truly turning themselves on. To be honest, it doesn’t feel very good to be with someone who’s just going through the motions.

August/narration:

People with ADHD can be so overwhelmed by distractions, such as certain aromas or sounds or sensations or thoughts, that sex isn’t very appealing at all. And even though, as Dr. Megan pointed out, sex is present bringing, for some folks, it goes the opposite way for others.

Rachael: For some people, trying to shut everything else out can become a source of anxiety for them too. And that can be like a deterrent from wanting to have sex in the future. And after a while that can change your interest in sex in a larger way, even when it was a small thing to begin with.

There’s so many people who feel like if they can’t focus during sex, they’re doing something wrong, they’re bad, their partners will maybe accuse them of not being as into it and like it builds up all the shame.That’s breaks my heart a bit because it’s just how your brain is wired and there’s not anything wrong with it. It’s just different.

August: It’s so true and, and I think knowing that we can experience pleasure while our brains are bouncing all over the place, just giving ourselves that permission, I think can be really important because you’re so right. I mean, how many times do we hear like, what’s your top sex tip? Slow down, be mindful. Focus on the present. And I’m like, now I wanna do jumping jacks and run around in circles.

Rachael: People will be like, “Oh, you should just meditate and it’ll help you be more mindful.” And I’m like meditation makes me anxious. It stresses me out. I’m like, okay, I’ve gotta find somewhere to meditate. I gotta block off a whole chunk of time for this. Okay. So now I’m just laying here listening to some person with a relatively soothing voice, speak at me. While honestly I’m just making grocery lists and like to-do lists in my head.

And so I think trying to do that during sex just feels like, patting your head and rubbing your belly at the same time. And feels more overwhelming than it does pleasurable to try to relax rather than just be yourself in the moment.

August/narration:

And sometimes being yourself in the moment during sex invites some funny happenings.

Rachael: Especially with my very long-term partner, I’ll remember something I was supposed to tell him earlier in the day, or worse, like a really bad dad joke or something like that, that like I just like feel like I need to tell him immediately, but we’re in the middle of having sex and I know that is wildly inappropriate.

August/narration:

Like this one time.

Rachael: There was a TV show on E several years ago called The Soup. But there was this one segment called Chat Stew, the opening sound. It was some graphic in a woman’s voice going, “Mmm. So meaty.” It became this running joke with my partner. ’cause we would watch it.

At one point we were like, we’ve been joking about it like a couple days earlier or whatever. And I was going down on him. I couldn’t stop myself and I was like, “Mmm, so meaty.” And we burst out laughing. Like, I mean, it became a whole funny joke. I could never have sex with somebody who couldn’t laugh at that kind of thing. Clearly a very mature human.

Other times we’re like, if you have music playing in the background while you have sex, I feel like I need to have sex to the rhythm, and it like throws me off if we’re not on beat.

I never really gravitated toward this  idea where people are super serious and passionate and intense, but you can’t laugh at things. Sex that would never work for me because that’s not how my brain works and I just find people who appreciate it the way that I do. So I think that works.

[music]

August/narration:

Emily shared a practice for you all to consider. She said it can be really helpful if you or your partner are a neuro-queer person, if one of you gets dysregulated during sex, or even to define sex and make sure partners have a sense of what will happen or what to expect during a sexual experience. It’s basically exploring three questions.

Emily: So question number one would be, what are you hoping to get out of this sexual encounter? So are you looking specifically for pleasure? Are you looking for intimacy or physical connection? Literally like what are you looking for in this moment? Why do you even wanna have sex?

Question number two would be, what can I do to help you achieve this? So if you were looking for an orgasm, is there a way that maybe you wanna be touched? Or is there a sex toy that you prefer to use that you know will help you get there? If you’re looking for intimacy, do you wanna be in a certain position or what would feeling intimate even look like to you? Or maybe you’re looking to have your gender affirmed in some way and how can I be affirming with you?

And then question number three is if you feel like you need to stop sex for whatever reason, because that can be a hard and scary thing to do. And honestly, I think even more so for people who are neurodivergent with like feelings of potentially like stirring up some RSD, how would you like to communicate that?

So do you wanna use a safe word or a signal or a certain phrase to kind of just time out? ‘Cause like I’ve said with Emily and I, we’ve had to sometimes be in the moment where we have to just check in with each other and time out. So how do you want to signal that to each other? And then, if you’re stopping because you’re dysregulated in any sort of way, do you have any guidance that I can do to support you through that?

Because everyone’s gonna have different needs both emotionally and physically. I think it’s hard sometimes, assuming that someone needs a certain something. Like for example, like when Emily would run out of the room before, my first instinct was to go run after her, but I assumed that. I didn’t actually check in with her first. And so by not doing that, that could have actually made the dysregulation a whole lot worse for her or made it feel more intense.

So by figuring out what that looks like for you and your partner, I think it gives you like a plan for if and when something dysregulating would happen, and you can both feel just a little bit more confident knowing that you’re doing what’s right for you and hopefully no one’s getting any feelings hurt or anything like that either.

August/narration:

Learn more from Emily Zawadski, Rachael Rose, and Dr. Megan Fleming through the links in the show notes. Download Emily’s free workbook, Redefining Sex and Communication as a Neuro-Queer: emilyzedsexed.com/newsletter.

If you enjoyed this Girl Boner Radio episode, I would so appreciate a rating or review on Spotify or Apple Podcasts, You can also support the show by sharing links with your friends. Thanks so much for listening.)