“OMG” Stories: Squirting Out, Stuck Inside and Mind Games

“OMG” Stories: Squirting Out, Stuck Inside and Mind Games

a Girl Boner podcast transcript

August/narration:

Squirting out, stuck inside — our vaginas, that is — and mind games.

Many of the most extraordinary sex and relationship stories involve surprises. The wonderful, the slightly uncomfortable and the WTF is evening happening right now kinds. You’re about to hear several of them.

Our  “OMG” story features Nicoletta Heidegger, a therapist and the host of Sluts and Scholars. Nicoletta was one of the three podcasters I collaborated with for the live event, “Afternoon Delight,” in February. On stage, in an intimate theater space holding some 60-plus people, we talked about the time she discovered she could squirt.

Nicoletta: During COVID, I had a lot more time. I didn’t think I was somebody who could squirt, and I just practiced and no, I was by myself and I was, I just got really into it, gave myself enough time and that was sort of the main context, but I’m happy to share more.

August: Please. So were you, were you intentionally trying to squirt? That was the goal?

Nicoletta: I think more my quote unquote goal was just like pushing the pleasure capacity. And so like after I had the first orgasmic experience, I was just like, I wonder what else there is. And so I just sort of kept exploring, kept getting creative, kept going. So I wasn’t like, I’m going to do this, which works sometimes.

But for a lot of people, that pressure isn’t the vibe. And so it was more like I didn’t have anything else to do. I had a lot of time. I had just gotten some new, I think pleasure tools from one of my podcast sponsors. And I was just like, let’s see what happens. And so after the first sort of orgasmic experience, I just sort of kept going.

And definitely got into this sort of animalistic place where it was just, I felt like so in my body, and I was just so impressed with myself, but also a little bit surprised. And also, I felt so connected to myself because I just gave myself no time limits. And it was awesome.

August: Yeah, it’s incredible how emotional that can feel… It’s wonderful with a partner or partners too, but there’s something really incredible and profound about that experience with only yourself. What did that experience teach you and did it impact or affect any future sex experiences?

Nicoletta: Just that there’s always more to learn. Like, I’m, I’m in this field and we talk about, learn about, you know, teach about sex all the time. But there’s still new stuff I’m figuring out about myself, about my body, about what I like, and just being open to that, staying with a curious mind. And also knowing that we can increase our, some people call it your positive affect tolerance, other people call it your nourishment barrier, which is basically like your ability to take in nice things.

So whether that’s compliments, receiving compliments, receiving pleasure, receiving help. , a lot of us have a low bar for that, whether it’s like we don’t feel like we deserve it, or, maybe when we’ve had pleasurable experiences in the past, someone’s used it against us. Or we’ve been told we, like, can’t or shouldn’t or it’s shameful to have or want more, more, more. and so for me, it also taught me that, like, I have more capacity for a pleasurable life, for, like, an orgasmic life.

I think it also taught me that, like, the best pleasure experience is just unhindered by what I’m supposed to look like or sound like.

I was growling, in weird like ten different positions and different, you know, I needed more hands. [audience laughs] But, it was just very primal and in my body and that was the best. Like I wasn’t in my head at all.

I needed to build. I needed to give myself more time, I needed to take myself on this nice date. I needed to not feel pressured. A lot of us don’t give ourselves the amount of time to get there. We think something’s wrong, but I really just gave myself permission to have all the time.

August: That is so beautiful. Wow. Thank you for sharing that.

August/narration:

Yes, squirting can be fun. But not all surprising spurts are 100% awesome. Take it from Lala, host of Lala’s Bedtime Tales. When she and I spoke about multiple orgasms a few months ago, she shared this eye-opening experience.

Lala: I was giving head to this guy in a Sears dressing room and.

August: A Sears dressing room? That is amazing.

Lala: That is insane. Like why? We met up at a Starbucks and then we hooked up and he was like, “No one comes in the stairs.” And I was just like, “Okay.” So I was giving him head and he was like, “Can I do a money shot on you?” And At the time I was like, what’s a money shot?

August/narration:

He’d gotten the idea from porn.

Lala: Porn, like, any erotic content can be great, but it’s an entertaining tool, not an educational thing.

August/narration:

This guy hadn’t learned that. He told her what he meant by “money shot.”

Lala: “Oh, where like, I come on your face.” I’m like, “um, okay, sure.” And he comes and it just shoots straight in my eye and I have to like run out. Yes. I run out trying to find a restroom ’cause my eye is just bloodshot. I’m like, oh my gosh, am I dying? And I like take out the contacts and I go meet my friend and he’s gay and he’s like, “Oh, my gosh, I’ve had someone come in my eye, too.” He says, “don’t put those contacts back in.” And I would never put those contacts back in – like crazy, worst experience.

So I learned what the money shot is and I learned that if someone wants to come on my face, I’m okay with it. But I just close my eyes.

August: Yeah. Put on some sunglasses or something.

Lala: Yes, absolutely. [laughs]

August (narration):

Our last few stories were shared a couple of months back, when Carly, creator of Aurore, joined me. After discussing her spicy research and sex with two Frenchmen in one day — for an episode released last month —  my friend and colleague, Makenzie Mizell, joined us to talk about a few of our wild sex and relationship experiences: like the time something got stuck inside Mak’s body, and then something else came out.

Makenzie had been seeing a guy, a fellow musician, for a while. At the time they were getting busy in his basement.

Makenzie: He’s in a bunch of different bands and things. So, yes, we were in essentially a little rehearsal space downstairs. And there’s a couch in there. And the floor was already littered and in condoms. Who knows how many we had gone through. And we were having a great time.

We were on the couch. It is a small couch for two people, so we were essentially having spooning sex. And what I have now realized, and going to take note of in the future, is that if you’re having sex and then that intensity changes and it kind of turns to cuddle sex for a minute, like, probably when penis gets going again, make sure that when it relaxed a little, you didn’t lose the condom in the process, which is what we did.

We had sex, we had a lovely time. He goes to take the condom off, and we’re like, uh oh…she’s M. I. A.

Carly: Wait, so, it was up there?

Makenzie: Yeah, it got lost somewhere in me. I didn’t feel it, but we, after a very quick search of the couch, we were like there’s not really anywhere else it could, I mean I might as well just go spelunking, it seems like that’s where it is.

August: So did you spelunk?

Makenzie: So I did spelunk, and we are very comfortable with each other. And I was like, hey listen, like, you know, I know from sometimes struggling with my cup, getting in sort of a like sumo squat position can really help me get the leverage to get all the way up in there. And so I’m squatted on the floor, on this like cement floor, and reaching and reaching and trying, and then I’m like, well when I need to get my cup out and I can’t get it out, I do this thing that I learned online called the poop flex.

You just push down with those muscles, and then it’ll push the cup down to meet you, but instead, I just, like, ripped the biggest fart that anyone has ever ripped. [all laugh]

August: And the condom stayed in? Or did it, like, fart out?

Makenzie: It was kind of all one motion. I relaxed enough to grab the condom, and that relaxation Not only let out, but forced the fart out.

Carly: Oh my god.

August: It could have been solid, so I think that there’s a blessing there.

Carly: Agreed.

August: Because when you’re pushing down like

that I mean, you’re comfortable with each other, so I think it would have been okay ish.

Carly: That would have been a little extra.

August: So you’re like, on the floor, sumo wrestling style, and is your partner Like, flashing up a flashlight, or he’s just watching.

Makenzie: Yes, he’s just, he’s just providing emotional support. No, no physical support.

August: Did you have any moment of fear? Like, I had one of those eggs stuck in my vagina once, and if you tense up, it’s harder to get out, and I, I felt like my, vagina was swallowing it.

Yeah. Like going, Hmm. Like it was holding it and how do you just like, Ugh, I have to relax. And I had a moment of fear. Mm-Hmm. . Did you have that or was it like, oh we got this?

Makenzie: Um, I did, now that I think about it, yeah. When I realized that it might be in me, just knowing that at all, and then I reached in. The end of my longest finger I could feel the little lip of the kind of thicker rolled part and I was like, okay Well, at least now I know where it is Actually, can I sidetrack for my favorite moment of panic like that that I had recently? Maybe this is common, but I forgot I had a cup in and I had sex with a cup in?

August: I did that with a tampon!

Makenzie: Really?

August: Years ago, yeah.

Makenzie: For me, it just took me kind of the same process and then I just was able to heave it out of there. How did your tampon go?

August: I woke up the next morning and was still with him and he was sleeping and I just, I saw blood. And It occurred to me that I was still menstruating. And then I thought, uh, oh, this was the one partner that I had who we had to drink to have fun in general.

And we just were not a good fit for a lot of reasons. And so we were pretty tipsy and I think we just weren’t thinking.

Such a nice guy and also a very non communicative, quiet person. Everything was so awkward. So there was no conversation about that. Looking back, I’m like, I can’t believe how little we talked about it. Did I ruin the sheets, too? Like, I don’t know.

Carly: Were they his?

August: Yes. Oh, yeah. In his very clean apartment.

So, when the fart happened… [all laugh]

Carly: Yes. Back to that.

August: Back to the flatulence. Did you two just immediately laugh? Were you embarrassed? Do you fart in front of each other in general?

Makenzie: Um, not yet. You know, maybe we’ll get there. That was quite a first. Yeah, that was, that was the first fart. That’s a big one. Yeah.

Um, I’ve caught him farting in his sleep several times. Aw. Uh, very cute. He would slightly wake up and go, You didn’t hear nothing. And then kind of go back to sleep. Okay, sworn to secrecy. Oh my gosh. Wow. But yeah, that was definitely my first fart in front of him. I was like, so it’s just pushed up inside of me to where it’s irretrievable now.

Carly: The vagina is an amazing thing. I also had something lost in me, it was a vibrator, and I didn’t even realize it was inside me. And it was ball shaped. The fact that you can have something like that large inside of you and not even realize it, it’s crazy.

August: You could have been at the store or something and you bump your pelvis and all of a sudden you’re like, bzz, bzz! [all laugh],

Carly: No, it was vibrating still when it was inside of me. Like I got off. So we were hooking up, had this vibrator. It slipped in. I didn’t realize that I got up and I was like on the bed, like getting off. I was like, wow, it’s really powerful. I can still feel it. And he was like, “um, it’s in you.” And I was like, holy shit.

August: You’re like, maybe I’ll just keep it.

Carly: I was like, “get it out!” I freaked out. ’cause I was like, I was like, I don’t feel it. But then I’m like, I, I felt the vibration.

Makenzie: That’s so weird.

Carly: It was very weird.

Makenzie: What did you do?

Carly: He had to reach up and get it. He did surgery, yeah.

Makenzie: That seems like that would be really hard to get.

Carly: I was scared. Yeah. And I was also freaking out, so I wasn’t easy to get into. I think that’s like how you push a baby out. Because it’s so stretchy. It just like, it does like suck things up. And then they get lost.

*****

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*****

August/narration:

Now, onto the mind games… Carly shared a dating story that almost felt true crime-y.

Carly: I dated this guy and he was really bad to me. He was super fuckboy-esque. Like we’d have great sex and then he’d like make a date with me and then he would disappear. And I would always be like deleting his number, blocking him on social media and he would always find some weird way to get in touch with me. Like he fucking LinkedIn messaged me once, okay?

And it was like, I’m trying to get away from you. Leave me alone. But he wouldn’t, but he wouldn’t be what I wanted him to be either. And finally,  a year went by with no contact and then there was a snow storm and late at night he messaged me on Facebook because like you could still Facebook message people if you’re not like friends with them.

We started talking again and he was like, “I’m sorry for the way I treated you. I’ve been thinking about you so much and I want to be with you for real.” And I was like, oh my god, I can’t believe this is happening. I’m not gonna give in that easy because like, I don’t believe him, like, I don’t trust this guy and I’m gonna put him through what he put me through.

So for two weeks, I would say that I was gonna meet up with him and then not, or cancel last minute, just like fuck with him. But then he died. Suddenly.

Makenzie: Whoa.

Carly: And it was so crazy because the way I found out was like, I sent some stupid, inane message and I got a response from his girlfriend.

And she was like, this person died last night. And I was like, I don’t know. This must be him fucking with me, so I proceeded to be like, oh, haha, like making jokes. Meanwhile, this person was like, I’ve actually never heard of you. How did you know him? And I was like, I’ve never heard of you either. I thought that it was him just like playing this big prank on me.

And then the next day I went into work and I had this weird feeling because the end of the conversation was kind of strange and it didn’t leave me satisfied and I told my boss what happened. She was very cool. And She did some sleuthing and found the company he worked for, their Twitter, being like RIP this person and I was like It was wild.

Because it was like, this person that I like, loved, but also who had hurt me so much and I kind of hated. And it was like this weird grief that was mixed with relief in some way. And just like impossible to really process because we had never had, like, real closure. And then I found out he has this girlfriend and this whole other life that he was not being honest about.

And what does she know now? Yeah. Cause she, like, was in his text on his phone. Oh, wow. And then I went to the funeral. And I signed the funeral book Kathryn Merteuil, which is the character of Sarah Michelle Keller in Cruel Intentions, because that’s how I felt. I felt like I was in Cruel Intentions.

August: Why are you the coolest person?

Carly: I am crazy. That, wow. It was, yeah, it was really weird.

August: It just shows you, too, how one person can be connected to so many different people, and you just never know when something does happen.

Carly: Mm hmm.

August: A lot of things come out.

Carly: Oh yeah. I mean, for her, I can’t imagine what it was like to, in the same day, lose the person you’re with. And like find that they had, probably I wasn’t the only person he was having like a secret relationship with.

Makenzie: Right, I’m sure it was his whole personality. I’m sure he always had a few.

August: Probably.

Carly: And if she was in his phone, then she could see everything.

Makenzie: Oh yeah. That has to be, like you said, just like double devastation.

Carly: Yeah.

August: Well now I feel like I have to share my true crime story. Oh, yes!

August/narration:

Yep, I had to share one, too. A recent one.

August: So, a few weeks ago, my partner had an opportunity to bring electronics to a place to be recycled at work. They were doing a big like recycle your old stuff thing. And so he found a bunch of our old, you know, old phones, old cords. And there was this tape recorder.

And so he’s like, Oh, this has to be August’s. He did not donate that. Cause he’s like, I don’t know what’s on it. He gave it to me and I was like, Oh yeah, I recognized it.

Later the same day, I just thought, Oh, this might be the recorder that has like one of my favorite, I did an interview with an author I really admire years ago and I lost the tape. And so I thought, Oh my gosh, this could be on here. This could be exciting. So I hit play and at first I hear this woman’s voice. Then it kind of sounded like, I was like, am I listening to a police tape, I could get a sense of some violence happening and a scared woman. And I was like wait. Whose recorder is this? What happened?

How old is this and does this woman need help? Just all these questions are my mind. I turned white I went out into the garage where my partner was. And he was like, “Oh my gosh, what happened?” I said, “You have to listen to this. I think we have evidence or something. I don’t know what this is.”

And so I hit play again. And then we hear her say something about a gun. I’m starting to tremble. And I had this feeling of like, do I know this person? And then, it sounded like something was about to happen. There was a male voice, too. My impression at that moment was, okay, now this sounds like a tape where you’re recording evidence.

Like someone who’s maybe being abused and they have the recorder in their purse and they’re trying to catch the guy or something. But then there’s this gun. I’m like, are we going to hear someone get murdered? Like, what is this? And so my partner takes the recorder and he puts it closer to his ear And then he smiles and he goes, “Scene!”

And I was like, “Seen what? What did you seen?” And he’s like, “No, scene. It was an acting scene.” And I was like, “Oh! That was me!”

Carly: Oh my god! [laughter]

August: I used tape recorders when I was acting, too, before I switched into writing. And I completely forgot that I ever used recorders for that.

Carly: Oh my god.

August: And I did not recognize that.

Carly: You’re such a good actress that you fooled yourself.

August: It was the one time that I was so confident in my skills. I was like, wow. Oh my gosh, and then the familiarity thing was interesting because later that day I thought, I wonder if part of my muscle memory. I was in an abusive relationship, actually it was only probably a year or two before that couple years before I got that tape recorder. And I thought maybe something I was feeling was my old self

Carly: You’re trying to help yourself.

August: Yeah. It was kind of profound. Yeah, I could hear me hurting but I didn’t know it was me. It was like this other person.

Carly: Because you’ve come so far, you’re not that person.

August: Yeah, I felt like I may need to write about that someday. It went deep. I mean first we just laughed our heads off, but then it went deep.

Carly: Wow.

August: The end.

Carly: Wow, that was crazy.

August: Oh my gosh, we covered a lot today.

Makenzie: Damn. This was so fun.

Carly: Yes, it was. Let’s do it every day. Is this what it’s like to just make podcasts?

August/narration:

It sure can be, especially with awesome folks like the ones you heard from today. Learn more from them:

Lala, of Lala’s Bedtime Tales

Nicoletta Heidegger, LMFT, of Sluts and Scholars

Makenzie Mizell, media producer

Carly, of Aurore

Purchase and watch the full Afternoon Delight video here! 

It also features Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, professor and host of LuvBites, and Dr. Nazanin Moali, therapist and host of the Sexology Podcast.

Among other fun, you’ll hear us all perform some dirty talk, as directed by Dr. Tara, and some true story responses from listeners of our shows. You might even hear a story you submitted anonymously. The video comes with downloads, too — a pleasure menu guide from Nazanin and an orgasm story worksheet from me.

With Lala’s Bedtime Tales, Lala inspires you to “own your sexy” and feel more confident in the bedroom through steamy romance stories, sex coaching and sexual health education. Carly’s brainchild, Aurore, is a curated collection fo erotic stories, written by woman and LGBTA+ folks, based on their own experiences. And media producer, Makenzie, is always up to cool things.

If you’re enjoying Girl Boner Radio, I would so appreciate a rating and review and if you’d tell a friend about it. Thanks so much for listening.