One of the biggest myths about sexuality is that all-things-sexy inevitably lose luster over time. “Beauty” is lost on youth, people say, and sexiness fades—but fear not, because what really counts doesn’t! Why not embrace a future of cardigans, crossword puzzles and knitting?
Um, no thanks.
Our sexuality counts. And like other vital areas of our lives, it’s a journey worth exploring and growing our way through for as long as possible. Research shows that women tend to enjoy sex and experience stronger orgasms over time if they value sex and don’t shame themselves. Other studies show that married couples have improved sex in the golden years. So unless you’re asexual or turned on by knitting and Mr. Rogers’ threads, I suggest the following.
3 Powerful Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life
Keep doing it on your to-do list. Yeah, I don’t keep do-to lists either, and haven’t called sex “doing it” since about the 10th grade, but YKWIM. Prioritize sensual connectedness with yourself and, if applicable, your partner—not out of obligation to anyone, but yourself. Simply recognize your sexuality as a valuable part of your life and well-being, one worthy of treasuring. It’s amazing what a little perception shift can do.
Consider foreplay a lifestyle. In her fabulous TED Talk, relationship therapist Esther Perel described traits of erotic couples. “They understand that foreplay is not something you do five minutes before the real thing,” she said. “Foreplay pretty much starts at the end of the previous orgasm.” I so love that. Foreplay is a state of mind, in my opinion. It’s fantasizing about a partner when he or she is away, and being sensual together whether you’re soon to make love or far from it.
Arouse your life! I’m pretty obsessed with this idea, as you may have noticed. When we cultivate passion in our lives, we make way for passion in the bedroom—or where ever you choose for sexy play. If you feel stuck sexually, ask yourself where you’re stuck elsewhere in your life. Takes steps toward positive change. Sex can cheer us up temporarily, but it won’t fix deeper (no pun intended) problems.
You really are as sexy as you feel.
So focus on feeling sexier and more alive. Engage in work and hobbies that make your heart happy. Surround yourself with folks who make you feel more like you, not less. If you aren’t sure what you’re passionate about, make it a goal to find out. The rest will more than likely fall into place.
You guys know I love you, right? Good. Because I do.
This week on Girl Boner Radio, I’ll be interviewing Dr. Megan Fleming, a therapist and relationship expert, on ways to put the sexy back in your relationship. I can’t wait to hear her thoughts on spicing things up! Any questions you’d like answered? Post it in a comment below, or comment me privately.
This is such a positive and motivating blog post, August. And still. At the moment I am going through a rough time and I don’t feel particularly sexy. I do have the world’s best boyfriend telling me how sexy and beautiful I am. But when being depressed it’s hard to believe.
Still, this blog post made me smile. Thank you for that!
So sorry to hear you’re going through a rough patch, Aurora! Your boyfriend sounds like a terrific supporter, which you deserve. Wishing you many more of those smiles!