Have you ever considered what Big Os and donuts have in common? Or learned something important about your body through an orgasmic experience? This week’s Girl Boner Radio is full of meaningful climax stories, gathered at an event I co-hosted with Sex-Positive Los Angeles.
“8 Incredible True Orgasm Stories” — with Sex-Positive Los Angeles
Erin: I just had never had that happen before where I was feeling a bunch of sensations in my body Joe: And it was such an intense experience. Is sex always gonna be like this? Heidi: …very different from premenopause, even intra menopause orgasms. Norma: I realized all of the different types of orgasms that I could have Rachel: When I orgasmed with these people that made me feel safe and cared for, I would just have these massive vibrations. Anonymous: She said to me like, you you should be very free. Kind of like a heaven experience. Kelsey: It was like being seen as my messiest self and still being loved and cherished.
[acoustic, encouraging music]
Today’s episode is a special collaboration with Sex Positive Los Angeles, or SPLA. It’s based on an event we co-hosted that made my donut-orgasm dream come true. Let me explain…
A few years ago, I was enjoying a donut when it dawned on me they’re basically Big Os. Okay, maybe not the most ground-breaking epiphany in the world. But I got excited, because both Os are awesome. (And no, these weren’t “special donuts.” I don’t even know if anyone makes those.)
And as I thought more about the whole thing, the meaning went a little deep. Way back when I was struggling with body dysmorphia and disordered eating, donuts were one of the first indulgences I love, but would not allow myself. Gradually after that, I grew completely disconnected from my sexuality. When we deny ourselves pleasure in one area of life, other areas suffer.
Thankfully they can both flourish together, too – which is what happened for me, as I healed. And that led to all-things-Girl Boner. [fairy chime] In the years since, I have dreamed of hosting donut and orgasm-themed events. When I brought the idea up to my friend and colleague, Erin Tillman, she welcomed it.
You may recall Erin from a few early episodes. Back then she was known primarily as a dating coach. She’s now a certified sex educator, intimacy coordinator for film and TV and the executive director of SPLA, which she described like this:
Erin: It’s a 501c3 membership volunteer nonprofit that basically is kind of like adult sex ed. So we do classes, we do discussion groups around sex positivity, sexuality, identity, body positivity.Consent and boundaries. We do things around polyamory, ethical non-monogamy, kink and BDSM.
So many of us had terrible sex ed and don’t even know what the options are and what the possibilities are. And so we basically are doing events for people to like, explore and learn about any of these things that are on their journey, and everyone’s journey is so different. You know? So I like to bring on facilitators like yourself, who can bring something to the table and just help give people — I mean, not to sound too grandiose — but give people hope.
I love that. And the stories shared at our event were definitely full of hope.
Our event, “Donuts and Orgasm Stories,” took place on a Saturday morning in West Hollywood. About 20 of us gathered at 910 WeHo, a “Queer and Alternative Lifestyle, Friendly Community Space,” to enjoy donuts, fruit, coffee and some of our most memorable Big O stories.
It had been a while since I’d lead any kind of public sexuality event, and in my mind I thought everyone would be chomping at the bit to share. And they were totally into it, but they did need a little bit of warmup. So I impromptu-shared one of my one, one I hadn’t really thought about in some time.
August: Anyone feeling like I really wanna share? I was trying to think of if, if there’s an orgasm I haven’t talked about already. [group laughter] I did have a Brussels sprout orgasm. Does anyone wanna hear this story?
Attendees: What? [laughter] Yes! Yes…
August: Okay. So I was at a writer’s conference and I was really excited about the whole conference and this was before Girl Boner. So I had written a thriller, so this was like a mystery conference, and everything was so exciting . I was pretty new to this field.
I have this new book, like everything was so exciting. So that’s, I think, part of what set the stage. But at the hotel, in the restaurant, they made the most — does anyone love Brussels sprouts? Like when they’re cooked really well? When they’re roasted and they have the balsamic, they’re sweet and it’s crunchy… They were so incredible.
I can’t make them this way, or I would eat them every day. But I was eating them and I think I was just already so turned on that, as I’m eating them, my whole body just started to flush and someone actually pointed out, “What are you thinking about?” There’s photos of me just really into these Brussels sprouts.
And when I went back to my hotel room, I came like that. I mean, I didn’t have to touch or anything. I say it was from the brussel sprouts.But as I’m thinking about it, I’m realizing it was the whole experience. It’s the energy, it’s the connection, it’s the partaking in a passion that you have, being around like-minded people and just being on this adventure. And I really like the idea that “foreplay” is more like a state of being and a lifestyle. When you’re turned on in your life, your orgasms come much easier.
So that was pretty cool…[laughter] Now several people I know, whenever brussel sprouts are around, they’re like, “Do you want one? I think she wants one…” (wink wink)
At that point, Erin asked to piggyback on my story. I mean, who wouldn’t want to hop on the Brussel-sprout-gasm train?? I know you want to…
Erin: Some of my most memorable orgasm experiences, or I’ll say pleasure experiences that encompass orgasm in some way, have to do with what you said. I feel like there’s usually something delicious or like just a bigger experience around being immersed in something. So when you were talking about Brussels sprouts in a hotel, I remember this ex of mine for my birthday we went, we ended up in Vegas and I remember going to this amazing seafood restaurant and I just remember every dish that came out was like just the most delicious thing.
And it was like, one of those restaurants where like everything that comes out has just a bunch of different flavors, like what you said and textures. And I just remember sitting there and being like, and he’s like, “are you okay?” And I said, “yeah, I think so.” But I, I just had never had that happen before where I was feeling a bunch of sensations in my body and, usually when I hit that point, it doesn’t take much touch either.
And so there was, there was a lot of like sex involved that weekend as well. A lot of like pleasurable things, Vegas, you know. And I just remember it being like, it just didn’t take much touch at all for every time we had sex or were like doing something sexual. There was an orgasm pretty quickly after that.
But food, it does feel like food and tasting. Tasting is like a consistent thing for sure.
August: Yeah. Your senses, all of the different senses…
August: …are arousable to make up a word. Yeah. No, that’s beautiful. Thanks for sharing that, Erin.
The moral of the story? Eat delicious food. Seriously.
Next, Joe stepped up. His orgasm story took place during what he described as “heavy, crunchy work” to move past his deep-seated fear of sex and romance.
At the time, he was working with a sexual surrogate, for what’s also known as surrogate partner therapy. And Joe didn’t mind traveling to get to the right professional to help him move past his sex-related fear.
Joe: So I went to a therapist and I found a professional who will work with people who have issues around sex. And I needed to have the experience of sex past that fear.
I went to this person and we spent two months working towards that goal. Sex being not guaranteed, but possible.
And when we got to that point, you know, we did what everyone does, take off their clothes, kiss, cuddle, foreplay. And then she turns to me and she says, “how about a blowjob?” And it was the funniest thing because it was like she had just asked me, “would you like a cup of coffee?” And it was that moment of like, oh yeah, you just ask. Like that’s all it is.
Cuz I had so much fear, fantasy, ideas around what sex was. And so we got to that point and it was really intense emotionally because all of these feelings came up. There was anger, depression, fear, grief around all these years I had missed cuz I, I just got to this very late in life.
I was actually 35 at that point when I had my first experience, and joy and excitement and physical pleasure all at once, and it was so overwhelming. My brain was like trying to dissociate, trying to stop, and so I had to fight to keep present. It’s like wrestling a bull to the ground. And I did. I stayed present and had that experience and I remember the very end, we had been taught the arousal scale one to 10, nine being orgasm eminent, 10 being, it’s happening now.
I was just barely able to come back in and squeak out nine at the very end, and, um, you know, and it was, it was just a really intense experience. And it’s like I couldn’t even move after. I emotionally, like I felt a little numb because I was just so exhausted. And it was such an intense experience, like, is sex always gonna be like this?
You know? And I, I freaked out and I wanted to run away and I called the right person and they said, “I think you value your recovery and you’ll go back.” And I breezed through that fear and I came back the second time, easy, blissful, calm, wonderful.
August: So that is beautiful. Beautiful. What were the main takeaways for you? What did you learn from that first experience?
Joe: Hmm… Kind of a general takeaway is that we have to face our fears. When we’re afraid of something, we have to face it, even if it seems like a reasonable fear. Because for me, fear held me hostage and it has in other areas of my life, too. And so whenever I’m afraid of something, I know I have to pursue it.
And that’s the way that I set myself free from it. And that started me on a long journey of awakening my own sexual person, my own sexuality. I became who I really am. That was 18 months ago. And so much has changed since then. I’m in my first real relationship, I came out as pansexual.
Like all of this stuff happened in quick succession and it’s like planes waiting to land and I finally cleared the runway and then it’s like plane after plane landing, all these gifts receiving from the universe.
And then learning the reality versus the fantasy. Fantasy is nice, but it can’t exist in reality, there’s too much that’s perfect. And so there’s always that letdown when the fantasy is not met. But if I stay in the reality, the reality is actually a lot more beautiful because it is in its own way and it’s real.
August: Gorgeous. Can we applaud, Joe? Thank you very much, Joe. Thank you so much for sharing that. It’s so meaningful (applause)
[acoustic, encouraging music]
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[acoustic, encouraging music]
Next, writer and humorist, Heidi Mastrogiovanni, took the mic. She called her story a “broad brush collection of post-menopause orgasms.”
Heidi: …very different from premenopause, even intra menopause orgasms. I started to need help lubricating, which is fine. It’s not hard to get. But you notice, you notice there’s a difference where you used to not, you do.
I would describe the difference in my sexuality, in my lust, if you will, it’s much more cerebral now rather than vaginal for want of a better way of, of locating.
I’ve been married for a long time and my husband, who is younger was with me just pre-menopause, during menopause, which has its challenges. You know, hormones are intense, as we all know in every stage of life, and obviously post. So this is all with one partner. And the thing that with this topic today that struck me is, the orgasms now, and when I say mindless lust, that’s not a negative. That’s unbelievable! You’re in your twenties and it’s New York City and you’re just like, you know, every bad boy on the island of Manhattan is, is waiting to fuck you. And so you do, you know, because it’s Manhattan and you’re young. You know, and it’s unbelievably fun. [audience laughs joyfully]
It’s so much fun. And then you’re no longer in your twenties, and the orgasms are really about communication, connection, adoration on a level that is much more cerebral. And they’re very different, and each one before and after is just so much fun. And I think when you get to a certain age, you’re also kind of like, yeah, I’m just gonna have fun.
Heidi: I’m just gonna have fun because I’ve, you know, I mean, we’ve all earned it. It doesn’t matter what stage we’re in, but yeah, just an awareness of how wonderful it is to decide, no, I’m gonna have fun.
You know, to own our journey and, and all that we’ve been through and all we’ve learned. Yeah. Wow. Did you expect that shift?
Heidi: I didn’t know what to expect because we’ve, you know, I saw my mother during her menopause when the windows had to come open when it was 20 degrees out. And those hot flashers are, you know, they’re intense.
That’s, that’s something. Um, I just didn’t expect to really feel sexy in a very, very, very, very, very different way, which has really been fun. Just at a certain age, you’re kind of like, You know? Yeah.
August: Just freedom.
Heidi: Freedom. That’s a perfect word, August. You know, it’s the old cliche of, no fucks left to give and that feels great. You know, my 65 year old tits, which apparently my husband does God love him.
August: I love hearing. That’s beautiful. What advice would you offer someone who is, let’s say, perimenopausal?
Heidi: I think that truly you’re not alone, by any means. And embrace it for want of a better way to describe it. and, and just go, that’s okay. All right. So I’m, I’m not lubricating myself. I’m gonna, there’s stuff I can do. And it’s different. It’s just as great.
Speaking of sexy adventures, Norma – a relationship coach – spoke next, about some experiences with a particular partner that took her orgasms to a whole new level.
Norma: My first truly kinky partner was my English daddy. He was 20 years older than me. He was very settled, very safe, and we formed this beautiful connection and we could explore and learn together.
And so orgasms with him were, On a different level, and the best way to describe it is just like on a journey. Just tying the mental, the emotional and the physical altogether, which was something that I hadn’t really experienced in other relationships before.
And so that just felt so much more spiritual, for lack of a better term. And I am not religious at all…
August: Do you care to share anything about how you met?
Norma: OkCupid. I was dating his best friend. And then decided to switch, switch allegiances. Everybody was cool with it. We’re all poly. We talked about it.
August: That’s great. So did sex start out the way you’re describing?
Norma: No. Sex at the start was just normal sex and orgasms, but as I learned how to submit, as I learned how to trust him, and as I learned how to trust my own body, our play intensified.
And with the intensification of the play, I realized like all of the different types of orgasms that I could have and all of the pleasure that I could have, even without orgasming and like where do you draw the line of like, what’s an orgasm, what isn’t? Yes, it’s so different for everybody. And so learning.
That was really mind blowing.
August: I bet. And fun. I bet. Wow. Does any experience stand out? You mentioned it was gradual. But was there an experience that stood out to you as like Eureka!?
Norma: We’ve broken up since, so one of the things that I still very much miss is we would be having sex and I would get on top of him and don’t do this without a lot of knowledge and, uh, experience.
But we would play with breath play and he would choke me out just enough and he knew my expressions, my body, my face, my sounds
But that journey in my own mind and head was like, I went to the universe and back and just felt everything and kind of like a psychedelic experience and then coming back to, and coming back into my body slowly with all the sensations and feeling him in was incredible.
August: Wow. Wow. You mentioned you’re not together now. How did those experiences shape your sex life moving forward?
Norma: I mean, just taught me the possibilities and, what’s possible, what I want. and it made me wonder if I can do that, then what’s next?
August: Yes. I love that.
Creativity and curiosity, after all, can be so powerful in our sex lives. I love that Norma experienced that.
As a side note, she’s very right about breath play taking a lot of caution, skill and preparation – or it can be very dangerous. Please keep that in mind if you yourself are curious about choking.
Next, Rachel shared an experience about a set of “healing orgasms.” Rachel is an integration coach for people who have had experience with plant medicine.
She also mentions some things I think worth taking a lot of caution around – specifically, psychedelics – since they may not be safe if you have a chronic medical or mental health condition or work with iffy professionals.
Rachel: And so the context around these was that I had been in a relationship where there was a lot of lies, betrayal, emotional manipulation.
I mean, sex was always very important in that relationship. And I feel like some of the push and pull and intensity of it, like fueled that. But toward the end, my body started rejecting this person before I even emotionally was rejecting this person. Like we would have sex and I will have bled from it and like, I wouldn’t know why. I’m like, well, everything felt fine.
Like I love you, this is great, but my body was like rejecting this person, even to the point where I went to my gynecologist and she’s like, ” I don’t know what’s going on, but everything looks fine. So, that was really interesting and through talking with my therapist, I kind of identified that a little bit.
Like, oh, you’re not listening to what you need and your body is doing this for you. And so after that relationship ended I got into some different relationships. And started exploring sexually with these people. When I orgasmed with these people that made me feel safe and seen and cared for, I would just have these massive vibrations just like radiating from the inside out of you and making you kind of melt into the world around you. And those were happening like every time I was orgasming with these partners that showed a lot of care and consideration.
Then later when I went to an ayahuasca ceremony, I actually connected with people there that like really connected it to the whole way that our body holds trauma and that one of the ways that you heal, in spaces is through like the vibrating and the purging of it out through these vibrations.
And now I feel like I’ve healed enough that those aren’t always there and I’m like, I missed the vibration! Those were so cool. But like also they were there doing their healing thing and I don’t think it’s just sexual trauma that they can help through. They also, like, we hold trauma in our bodies, just like from childhood trauma to like car accidents, will hold that in ourselves and those vibrations can come out in a variety of different ways, and orgasm was one of them.
August: The body is just incredible. Yes. Oh my goodness. . So at what point did you realize that it was your body rejecting this person?
Rachel: I mean, I definitely thought it was all my fault and like, yeah, and I should have known like with all the other emotional things going on, but I was also deep in the fog of it.
And so it was really going to the gynecologist and her affirming like, everything looks great and healthy about you. And then talking about that with my therapist and then I also have a Reiki person, and I think it was more the Reiki person that was like, you, you intuitively know, like you know what you need to do.
Like, and she never pushed me to do anything, but she’s like, You know, and your body is talking to you and you just need to listen to it. And that became a whole thing, was reconnecting with my intuition after this. Because when you have someone constantly doubting your reality back at you and making you feel crazy all the time, you stop believing that little voice inside yourself.
So reconnecting to that intuition, I think, was really helpful. And yeah, it comes out in your body.
August: Yes. Oh, that gave me goosebumps. That’s really incredible. And orgasms. Those vibrations are so healing. I’ve heard that from many people who’ve gone through body dysmorphia or eating disorders and things like that, that, you know, we have this idea that you’re supposed to “feel sexy and love yourself” and then you have great sex. And sometimes it’s the orgasms and the arousal and the trust in your body to be intimate with yourself or, or others that brings, the healing.
Rachel: Yeah, totally. And like finding that trust in yourself, but then also working with people that are safe and are that so that you, your feeling is the same as what’s kind of happening on the outside. You’re not having that feeling and are told that it’s wrong.
August: Do you have any advice for someone who wants to better connect with their intuition or their body, sending them a message and they’re in that, that space?
Rachel: Well, definitely the simple approaches are things like meditation, like with music as a guide, and kind of connecting like doing a body scan where you just really scan down your body, um, to see where you’re feeling things. Or even when you’re feeling a huge emotion, taking that moment to ask yourself, where am I feeling this? My friend actually sent me a TikTok the other day — Marsha. She’s lovely. It really talked about having that big emotion and taking that moment to pause and see where you’re feeling it and kind of be curious about that emotion.
August: Mm. That’s so gorgeous. Thank you for sharing that.
There’s that word again: curious. Curiosity comes up in a lot of orgasm stories.
August: All right, so let’s mingle. Have some donuts, have a banana water, coffee. All right. If anybody would like to share privately, just wander on over.
As folks mixed and mingled, frosted Os in hand, two attendees joined me to talk one-on-one, versus in front of the group, about their memorable orgasm experiences.
Anonymous: Yeah. I’m Anonymous Person.
August: Okay. So hold the microphone a little bit closer to you. There we go.
So this Anonymous Person – we’ll call him AP – told me that his most orgasm experience felt like he was in another world. [contemporary Indian music] At the time, he was working toward his Masters degree and had to travel by train to school.
So I was bordered onto the train. I saw one gorgeous lady. I stared at her and she keeps staring at me. So I thought, okay, so let me stare at her, because she’s very beautiful.
In his mind, like an angel.
She keeps staring at me. Okay. I thought, okay, maybe she’s part of my place, or she’s part of like, you know, other states or other places. So I have my doubts in my mind.
Did they even speak the same language? She looked away and started walking, but not toward him.
Anonymous: She went to a bathroom, I thought I followed.
She turned toward him and asked, “Why are you following me?”
Anonymous: So I dared myself and I said, “You are beautiful.” She’s okay with my response. Then she started talking to me in my own language. I thought, okay, she belongs to my place and she’s speaking my own language.
As it turned out, they had even more than that in common — she, too, was going for her master’s.
I felt very happy inside me. Okay, that is maybe my first experience in my life like to get out from my bachelor-ness.
“To get out from his bachelor-ness.” AP hadn’t been involved with anyone for some time. And meeting this woman felt like sunshine. [ambient sunrise tones]
Anonymous: So that’s what I thought. She shared her number and she shared her address and everything. I started calling her.
She welcomed me. The beautiful place she’s living in was just two, three miles away from my campus. So I went there and she welcomed me and that was my first experience with her.
She welcomed AP to her bed, where he said she “shared everything with him.” Then she invited two women from her neighborhood over – for dinner, and…more.
Anonymous: Because she said to me, “You should be very free.” Kind of like a heaven experience.
Also an “utmost experience,” she said, aiming to calm his nerves.
Anonymous: Because everything is new to me because I was shaky that time.
He was shaky at that time, but soon, he grew much more comfortable.
Over the next two years, AP and the woman shared some sexiness more than 50 times.
Anonymous: So every time she treated me like a gentleman… She made the sweaters for me, because that part of the north was very cold.
August: She sewed you a sweater? Like knitting or crochet?
Anonymous: Knitting. Yeah, knitting.
August: Wow. So was your sexual experience with this one woman or also with the other women?
Anonymous: With the other girls, also altogether at the same time. Yeah.
August: So would you say it was an orgasmic experience?
Anonymous: Orgasmic experience, yes. It’s a wonderful experience every time, because by seeing her know something in me was erect.
But it was her beauty-ness, her personality, that made it a really, really amazing experience for me.
August: Aww. What do you think you learned from that experience?
Anonymous: What life’s like. We need to have calmness, more steadiness and everything should be achieved with freeness.
Last, I spoke with Kelsey, a sex educator. One of Kelsey’s most meaningful orgasms took place a year ago.
Kelsey: And I was going through a lot of really big life changes and a lot of things were sort of falling apart, but the things that needed to fall apart. And I had just ended a really deep friendship and moved out of our house and was very sad about that and very distressed.
My partner was really there for me through that whole time. And I don’t know, it was also like a period of time where I’d been going to therapy and doing a lot of work healing sexual trauma and being more present in my body again.
After a date one night, she and her partner started having sex.
But I cried. And so we stopped, went to bed, and then the next morning we woke up and like, I was still sad.
Kelsey was just going through so many heavy changes. She thinks that’s where the tears came from.
Kelsey: It kind of all hit me in that moment as we were having sex, which was a very inconvenient time for it to happen. But I mean, it was so lovely that he stopped, you know, and didn’t pressure me. And I think that for me is something that is really huge in my life cuz I’ve had so much of that pressuring.
It was like another layer of safety for us. And so the next morning when we woke up, I think I still had like makeup from the night before, like smeared on my face but we started having sex and it was really beautiful. It was like very, I felt in my body, but I felt connected to him.
And then like during the orgasm itself, it was psychedelic, kind of like this connection to the universe in a way.
And I think thinking about the meaning, it was like being seen as my messiest self and still being loved and cherished and that was really powerful.
August: Ah, that’s so incredible that you were like, oh, this is an inconvenient time, but like, and that’s what made it so wonderful later.
August: Was you being so raw and, and having that met with love and allowance. Like you get to be here just how you are.
Kelsey: Yes. And I think that sometimes when we think about really amazing sexual experiences, we think of the candles, the lingerie, like everything’s perfect. That can happen, but I think that for me, this was so raw and there was so much imperfection happening, but it was like a very transcendent experience.
August: Did those lessons impact you moving forward?
Kelsey: Yeah. I think, um, for me, one of the things I’m really trying to carry forward in my life is like being seen by people and starting to feel comfortable by that.
And, um, being seen as my messy self. Yeah. To have that and it to be so pleasurable and so beautiful was really profound.
As we wrapped up, Kelsey said, “Who knew that being seen as your messiest self could be what we might all need.”
To learn more about SPLA, including upcoming in-person and virtual events, visit xexpositivelosangeles.org and follow them on Instagram @sexposla.
Also Joe, the first storyteller you heard from today, is launching a podcast of his own, called Pan Talk. If you’re pansexual, panromantic or pan-gender – or someone in your life is – and you’d like to talk about your experiences for an episode, send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org.
I’ll leave you with a few more things donuts and orgasms have in common, as shared on the Girl Boner Instagram page, where I semi sort of acted them out…
For some donut/Big O fun of your own, find a bonus clip featuring another story and the worksheet we completed at the event at patreon.com/girlboner.
If you’re enjoying Girl Boner Radio, I would so appreciate a rating and review on Apple Podcasts or in the iTunes Store. And please do also tell your friends about it. Thanks so much for listening.
[Outro music that makes you wanna dance…]