Sex Tips from Sex Workers and the Stories Beneath

 

“Sex Tips from Sex Workers and the Stories Beneath”

a Girl Boner podcast transcript:

August/narration: 

Hey, everyone! We’re going to do something a little bit different today because I received a really touching email from a listener. With her permission, here’s part of the message:

Dear August,

I wanted to thank you for your show, and in particular for the episodes where you’ve talked to sex workers. My mother, who I never got to know, did sex work  — and I only ever learned bad things about it. Or really, I learned bad things about her, honestly, because of that work.

Hearing from actual sex workers on Girl Boner helped change things for me and healed a part of my relationship with my mom even though she’s gone. This isn’t supposed to be a sad email — I’m actually in a really good place and just wanted to say thanks to you and your guests. I even got a membership on one of their sites, which has been awesome. Keep doing what you’re doing and thanks again. 

She asked me to call her LL, for Lustful Learner. I  love that so much. And I share that gratitude. I’m always learning, too, and I’m so grateful for the chances to talk to brilliant folks.

So in honor of LL and her mother, we’re going to celebrate sex workers’ wisdom today. 

I sent Makenzie Mizell — a podcasting powerhouse and a sex worker in their own right — out into the field (virtually)— to interview several sex workers about some of their top sex tips, including personal experiences that inspired them.

[acoustic, encouraging music]

First, Makenzie spoke with adult film star and performer, Daisy Ducati. Daisy has been in the adult industry for about 10 years, starting with dancing and fetish videos.

Daisy: And that kind of just snowballed into more and more adult content, and now I’m here winning awards.  

Two years in a row now I’ve won AVN Niche Performer of the year. Um, and it’s pretty exciting. It’s like the first major award I’ve actually won in all these years, cuz I’m usually a little bit too weird for the award shows. 

Makenzie: I love it. I love it. So now they’ve got the right category for you.

Daisy: Yeah. Like I have a sneaky suspicion this category was created for me. 

August/narration: 

AVN stands for Adult Video News, and their award ceremonies recognize a bunch of different porn categories.

Daisy: And there’s like the classic like just regular sex that happens and that’s what a lot of the awards cater to, but I and a lot of the industry tend to lean more towards like fetish content. So I do a lot of like femdom and wrestling and different things like that.

August/narration:

She’s done popular lesbian wrestling scenes that involve strap-ons and pussy eating, for example. Another video appears with the caption, “Little weak man Sam Solo falls to the strong legs of Daisy Ducati.”

Daisy: And those of us that do that kind of thing don’t necessarily always fit into the classic award categories. So they’ve created this niche performer award to kind of honor those of us that are busting our ass, doing the weird stuff.

August/narration: 

Daisy’s work in porn has taught her a lot about sex — and the ways folks perceive it.

Daisy: This is a subject that I could go on and on about for hours, . . 

But the first thing is porn in general, unless it’s specifically educational porn is not meant to be educational. It’s for entertainment purposes only. So what you see in porn may not actually be realistic in the bedroom. Like for instance, we use tons of lube off camera, and you don’t always see that on camera because it’s maybe distracting from what’s going on in the scene, but the lube is there. 

A lot of the bizarre sex positions and crazy things that our bodies can do that a lot of that has taken years to be able to work up to being able to do that. And it’s not necessarily realistic in just a regular bedroom setting. 

And some of it may not also be the best feeling thing either. So we’re doing it for a performance. 

So just keep that in mind when you’re watching porn and trying to learn from it. We’re professionals. And kinda like those car commercials where they’re like, do not attempt this at home. This is a professional driver on a closed track.

It’s kinda like that. So like, don’t expect your partner to be a porn star. 

August/narration:

Daisy has tried some of the wild things from porn shoots with a partner at home, she said — but usually? She doesn’t have the energy for that. Sometimes she just wants to have regular, old fashioned sex, she said, adding, with a laugh: “I don’t need to be dangling from the ceiling upside down and having fists up my ass.” Amen to that.

Makenzie: That makes so much sense. I love that you mentioned the lube thing, because lube is so important! But we don’t talk about it. Or people act like it has to be, you know, your wetness and if you’re not wet, you’re not turned on and stuff, and it’s like, no, lube is your best friend. 

Daisy: And with vaginas, there’s so many different things that can affect how wet a pussy is. like , like a medication can affect it. Dehydration can affect it. Like your mood that day that has nothing to do with what’s going on in the bedroom can affect it. Like it’s so much easier to just bust out some lube and enjoy yourself.

August/narration: 

…because as she pointed out, trying to play with a pussy with no wetness is like going down a water slide with no water. [splash sound] Ouch. Also, keep in mind that not all lubes are created equal.

Daisy: There are a lot of lubes, especially flavored lubes or weird novelty lubes that have chemicals in them or sugars in them that are really, really bad for vaginal pH and can cause all sorts of problems. So make sure you’re actually researching what kind of lube you use.

August/narration:

Daisy tends to go for a silicone or aloe-based lubricant.

Daisy: They’re all sorts of organic and like natural ingredient lubes that are really good. 

August/narration:

She warns against less natural lubes that contain glycerin. Glycerin is a sugar alcohol that can keep wetness going — but high levels raise your risk for yeast infections.

And just as no lube is ideal in every situation, what feels good to one person during sex won’t necessarily feel good to another. Keeping that in mind is Daisy’s top sex advice.

Daisy: Not everybody likes the same thing just because they have the same genitals, and you have to be able to have like open, honest communication with that person to to figure out what they specifically, because what works for one person may not work for the other person.

And if you start just trying things and guessing it can lead to some really uncomfortable experiences and it’s so much easier to just ask like, do you like this? How do you like that? Like, what do you think about this? And just have that negotiation ahead of time so you could just focus on enjoying the thing.

August/narration:

This is especially true in BDSM, Daisy said — something she’s learned a lot about while working in porn.

 

Daisy: You have to have the negotiation ahead of time to make sure no boundaries are being crossed. It just makes the act so much easier when you know what you’re getting into. 

You know what the person likes, you know what they don’t like, you know where the line is so you don’t cross it, and you just go from there and work within those parameters, and it just makes it so much easier and so much more enjoyable.

I meet so many people who are frustrated with their partners and it’s like, well, did you tell them what you’re looking for? Do they know what you want? Because they can’t read your mind. And what is really enjoyable for one person might be painful and uncomfortable for the other person.

August/narration:

There are some universal practices though – things that pretty much everyone can benefit from. Like hand-washing.

Daisy: A really big thing if you’re fucking anyone with a vagina, the pH balance is super, super important. It’s kind of like an eyeball in a sense. Like there, there are lots of things you shouldn’t put in your eyeball because it can cause infection and problems and all this stuff.

And it’s the same thing with a pussy. You wanna make sure that your hands, your toys and your genitals, anything that’s coming near a vagina has to be clean

August/narration:

And make sure you get in those nooks and crannies, because as Daisy pointed out:

Daisy: So many people will wash their hands, but they have dirty fingernails and it just creates problems.  

[groovy music]

August/narration:

Next, Makenzie spoke with sex worker, NatsHoney. 

NatsHoney: Let’s see. What do I do? What do I not do? I manage artists. I teach right now, I teach pole dance. In addition to that, I am a board member with Strippers United. I’m also founder and director, for Artist Plex, which is an up and coming business for sex workers. I also have a kid, so… 

Makenzie: Great. Amazing. 

NatsHoney:…there’s that. I like to perform, so I usually do that only for stripper-based shows. That’s kind of like my line. I love pole dancing, but I will not dance anywhere where it’s not highlighted that strippers are performing.

August/narration: 

Certain venues have asked her to perform in a show, calling her a “pole dancer,” as though that’s classier than featuring strippers. But she’s proud of her stripping work and wants that at the forefront.

NatsHoney: I started in the industry in 2000, if we’re being completely honest, more like 1998. And I did not start as a dancer. I actually started as a streetwalker. And then I came to dance clubs probably about two or three years later in 2001, I think it was the year I turned 21. That’s when I started in the clubs.  

Did that until 2008? At that point I opened up a cannabis collective. And in 2016, I went back to dancing.  And now I’m not in the club anymore and only doing the show. So I have a lot of history when it comes to being a sex worker for sure.

August/narration:

During her career, NatsHoney has learned quite a bit about her sexuality behind the scenes, in her personal life. Especially in recent years and since meeting her husband.

NatsHoney: So before meeting him, I was in a, uh, a, a relationship that was for a few years, and then that ended and I don’t know, casually date, not really dating. There was like one person and I was like, oh, he’s cute. And I remember standing next to him and not knowing how to go about kissing him or thinking he was gonna kiss me. It was very awkward. And that’s always been like a thing for me. Like situations personally have always been awkward for me.

And so time went on. Nothing happened with that person, but then who is now my husband, he comes up and feeling comfortable around him. I remember him embracing me with a hug on a night after a competition. So it was something like I was already elevated and high and endorphins are going, you know, it’s a great night.

And, um, we haven’t did anything with each other. It’s, we’re just kind of waiting. We, we, we both wanna just see where things are at, and I remember being embraced. I remember us hugging and I remember feeling very comfortable. 

And then later on that night we had sex. 

So even right there, , I was just like, you know, without even knowing that, you know, maybe at that time I told myself it was a smell or I told myself, oh no, no, no, no, no.

I’ve been waiting for it to happen. I wanted to happen. I don’t know what I was telling myself, but when I look at it in hindsight, I’m quite sure it was the security I received from the hug in that moment of that night without even knowing that that is what gets me.Like, you know, I see you. I see you. That’s how it felt. 

August/narration:

That happened about 8 years ago…and NatsHoney still feels a lot of warmth when she speaks about it — partly, she said, because the past year has been a roller coaster, one that’s helped her embrace her identity under the asexual, or “ace,” umbrella. 

The ace umbrella includes orientations that fall somewhere on the asexual spectrum. You may not experience any sexual attraction, or you may experience it only in certain situations or on rare occasions. Demisexual, for example, means you only feel sexual attraction when you feel a strong emotional connection first. Like NatsHoney. And for her, those self-realizations have been huge.

NatsHoney: 

I’m in a very committed relationship. I’m actually married, have been for quite some time, and then discovered that I was under the ace umbrella while I was married. So that was a whole other kit and caboodle.

But in the last year, there were instances in which where I thought that I was responding in a way that was true to myself. 

You know, constantly thinking it was just true to myself. And then I became aware that I was blocking even building the relationship and that can be problematic for relationships across the board.

August /narration:

I’ve heard this from other ace/demi folks, by the way – the desire to respect their asexual inclinations and cultivate mutually gratifying intimacy with a partner who isn’t under the ace umbrella at the same time. The same can apply if you and a partner just have different sexual interests or libidos.

NatsHoney: And I pride myself on relationships. So in that process of understanding what my actions were doing and how I was able to block things out and how I didn’t want that to happen. I then was like, okay, well what would I need in order to release the block? What is it that I need? And that’s when I stumbled upon the fact that, oh, okay, so security is like a really big factor for me.

 How one engages with my mind is a really big factor for me. Am I comfortable and able to laugh around you? Those are huge factors, not just having abs or big tits or big dick or a nice small clit like none of that is, you know, honestly, to be, truth be told, it’s all, it’s all beautiful. It’s all beautiful. It’s just, you know, I wanted to know what more, what turns me on. 

…finally coming to understand that although I, I fall under the ace umbrella and I do look at things very differently in terms of, sex and how to go about it. Knowing what I need really comforts me so I can look back on that moment. I can feel my face. I can feel being underneath the shoulder right now and being embraced just a little bit tighter. Like I can feel it and it brings a lot of joy to me.

August/narration:

And NatsHoney is still feeling the benefits of all of that unfold.

NatsHoney: I think in the coming months it will actually have. interacting with sex on a better level. My new understanding, cuz I have a better understanding of myself, of navigating the relationships that I want to have and how I want to make people feel. You know, I never want someone to feel, if I love them, I don’t want them to feel isolated, ignored, or not paid attention to.

And I have to understand to some degree that there are, um, Basic or traditional ways that people are, uh, prone to receiving or expecting to think that love is going to come into them or sexual pleasure will come into them. And so it’s like being aware of that. Then also knowing like, well, there’s ways that I can, that I can show my affection while still being true to myself.

So as I understand that even that much more, I feel like as I go forward, it’s only gonna help to balance out the situation, you know, as long as I stay true to myself and honor you know who I truly am. 

August/narration:

If you’re on a similar path, NatsHoney recommends masturbation as a really helpful practice.

Makenzie: 

NatsHoney: Cuz even in those moments when you don’t have a partner for comfort. If you know how to self please, you know what you’re thinking of when you’re pleasing yourself, your mind can go wherever you want it to go and that can help you to have a healthy relationship later on with others.

Cuz you know what you want, I think ultimately always comes back to you. And then after you can really dial in. who you are, what you feel, what you want, you can then service and give. 

August/narration:

And once you’re ready to bring those learnings into partner sex, her top advice is this: Stay aware of what turns you on. 

NatsHoney: And not necessarily having those things be sexual in nature. You know, some people are like, I like to be kissed on my neck, and that’s not necessarily me. I need security, I need laughter.

It’s huge for me. If I feel secure within either the relationship or the atmosphere, or even the situation. Like if we’re out and we’re doing something that just, it relieves so much stress that I’m already dealing with and then being under the ACE umbrella, I’m constantly, I’m not thinking like your body turns me on. I’m looking for other things to make me stop thinking about what I’m thinking about, reduce stress within the mind, reduce anxiety within the mind, to truly be free and live free in those moments. 

You gotta know yourself. You gotta know what turns you on and not be afraid or ashamed of how that may look or how it may be different compared to the next person. 

[acoustic, encouraging music]

August (ad): Did you know that sex toys can make orgasms last longer? They also make Big Os more likely, if you’ve struggled in that department. Whether you use a toy alone or with a partner, I highly recommended having at least one you love in your pleasure toolbox. If you want to stock up on toys or your favorite lube, you can get free  — always discreet — shipping on orders over $75 at The Pleasure Chest. Simply head to thepleasurechest.com and search by category, for vibrators, strap-ons, kink accessories and more. Again that’s The Pleasure Chest at thepleasurechest.com. 

[acoustic, encouraging music]

August/narration:

Last, Makenzie spoke with Steph Sia, who also goes simply by Sia.

Sia considers herself a “creative person” who wears many hats. She said her journey into sex work started about 10 years ago. At the time, she had just gone through a break up and was pretty broke, when a friend suggested she look into Seeking Arrangements. 

Her friend explained that…

Steph Sia: “It’s this website and, and I know you like older guys, so you know, you should maybe look into that and you can get paid to go on these dates.” And I was like, okay, cool. Like getting paid. Sure, I’m really broke. So that sounds like a great idea, but little did I know that the work aspect of it. I was just so naive going into it, and I was like 24 at this time. But yeah, like I didn’t know, uh, about like the whole, like, okay, this is, this site is primarily to yes meats wealthy, older men, but also in exchange usually for sex.

I was very naive about that. There was no one I could talk to about this because I didn’t really know anyone was doing this. It’s very hush hush. And as you know, the sex industry is highly stigmatized as well. So, so that happened and that was kind of my entry into the industry. 

I then started going to, uh, pole dance classes.   I basically became a stripper not too long after that. And then after that, kind of dipped my toes into, uh, content creation. So I have an OnlyFans, making custom videos, and now I’m also a cam model. 

August/narration:

Sia also has vanilla jobs, meaning outside of sex work. And juggling her busy schedule paved the way to her top sex advice. 

Steph Sia: For one of my vanilla jobs, I have to get up at five. 

August/narration:

So when it came time to get busy with her partner in the evenings…

Steph Sia: I just kept falling asleep, , um, and that, and I acknowledge that problem. That is definitely a problem, especially if you’re trying to, you know, watch a movie, have a romantic night in, and you know, like sex might be on the menu.

August/narration:

On top of that, Sia’s sex work takes a lot of energy, including sexual energy. 

Steph Sia: A lot of the nature of my work is, uh, very sexualized. So of course with camming, I’m, chatting with a lot of guys. I’m getting naked and doing my thing. And, and, and same thing with stripping and also like making custom videos and stuff, too.

And it can take like a lot of emotional energy out of me and it can also suck out the actual sexiness out of my job. 

For example, when I’m camming and I’m on an exclusive, like a, a private one-on-one show, basically like the guy jacks off and then he comes and then like the, the video just ends and then we’re like, oh, okay.

I gotta, I’ll just put my clothes back on. And then it’s like a wash and repeat kind of cycle going on.

August/narration:

So all of that combined mean that when it came to sex with her partner…

Steph Sia: The spontaneity thing honestly was just getting really difficult, for myself and my partner and just, it wasn’t, a realistic thing to rely on. 

August/narration:

Sia knew they needed a change, because sex is important to her.

Steph Sia: it’s a really big part of our relationship and it really just brings us so much closer together. I literally feel closeness, especially like the day after we have sex. 

So I knew that this is something like, okay, like we really need to take charge of this and, and get this under control. Cause I don’t want this to snowball into a larger thing. Or, you know, if, if things get left unsaid, then it turns into a larger problem.

Steph Sia: So that’s why we just were like, okay, let’s take the reins on this and try to see if we can package it in a different kind of way. 

August/narration:

Sia didn’t want to come at it with any shame, she said — no complaints or negativity. 

Steph Sia: I just really wanted to, to talk about this and I really think a great way of solving problems is just by talking about this and not sugarcoating things. So literally, yeah, the conversation just went as we were talking now, just saying like, “Hey, like I’m noticing like we’re not having much sex and I noticed we just have sex a lot on vacation, but like, we’re not always on vacation. I wanna have sex here in, in our house, like we spend most of our time here in the house. So like I really wanna see if this is a feasible change for us and if there’s anything I can do to make this, a bit more, uh, frequent or like more of a regular thing. That’s something that’s really important to me and I just wanna hear. Your thoughts on this, if you have any thoughts.” 

And then of course we chatted about it, and he agreed with me and was like, “no, let’s definitely try to make this work, something that works. Well for both of us. And you don’t know until you try. So that’s why we started like going into the whole scheduling business of our sexual activity.

August/narration:

Scheduling sex. It’s a practice that really helps a lot of folks. Because really, non-vacation spontaneous sex for most couples is fairly rare, especially in longer term relationships. So Sia and her partner set a date for some sexy fun and went for it, starting with some romantic setup.

[Song plays: “Wrapped Up in You”]

Steph Sia: We definitely try to set the mood. So yes, the lights down low. We love candles, so candles is a big thing for us. Really sets the tone, sets the mood . And he’ll just start like, you know, with some like really chill, foreplay, like light touching and tracing with the body , and like going in for a kiss and kissing my neck.

August/narration:

They’d set a date, but not an exact time. And just knowing it was coming up — pun embraced — helped.

Steph Sia: It was scheduled “at some point in the day in the evening” that I already had something to look forward to.

And it was something that like, okay, like this is gonna happen tonight. This is gonna be good. And it was good! We both felt really great and we weren’t left with disappointment. So that was a success. 

August/narration:

And it’s continued to be successful.

Given that Sia is very goal oriented, she loves having something to look forward to. And if they get to the scheduled sexy time and one them isn’t feeling up to it, they shift gears — something I personally think is super important.

Steph Sia: Especially like, for example, my, my schedule for the past two months and a bit were just crazy. I literally just had no time. And again, like just being booked at the club and then having to wake up at early in the morning and then like having to do my vanilla job, working freelance like in the day, like just left no room. And even when we had the best of intentions, and we’re like, ” okay, it’s gonna happen tonight!”

I would just be so exhausted and honestly, it would just turn me off and have the opposite effect where I’m just like, and then I was like, well, I don’t wanna feel like I’m being forced to do this, or like, I’m obligated to do this. I wanna be able to have sex with my partner when we were both feeling it .

August/narration:

To avoid that scenario, consider scheduling close, intimate time together — if sex happens then, great. If it doesn’t? Also great.

For Sia and her partner, they make sure they’re both on the same page before any sex begins, because-

Steph Sia: I would not want sex to be a chore and it should not be a chore ever. Like this is something that is so enjoyable, so pleasurable, so great, and just brings people closer together.

And I just feel like, okay, no, we need to, one, make this a priority, but also two, go about it in the right kind of circumstances, if you will. 

August/narration:

If you’re interested in scheduling sex or intimacy and feel intimidated by the process of getting there, Sia wants you to know you’re not alone. 

Steph Sia: I understand that this kind of suggestion, or having even approaching this conversation, this whole idea sounds really foreign and can be really scary to approach whoever you’re sleeping with about it– especially if they’re in a similar situation like mine where it’s just like, I don’t have any time and it’s just like, not like it’s not important, it is important, but like there’s only so many hours in a day.

 So my advice, and this can take, you know, a bit of, building up the courage to speak about it, but try and be as transparent and open as possible. Not trying to sugarcoat anything. You’re just being real and coming from a place of like, “Hey, I really to improve this” or “I really want to try this.”

August/narration:

Aim for an encouraging tone, she said, rather than, “this isn’t working and we need to do something about it,” or using an aggressive tone.

Steph Sia: 

So it’s all about like how it’s delivered, I would say, and really just being vulnerable and expressing yourself and the emotion that comes behind it as well.

August/narration:

And even if you’re busy, Sia recommends slowing down a bit once you get to your scheduled sex.

Steph Sia: If you are afforded that luxury, take your time and just, you know, get into the things and just be into one another. I, I think that’s, Really, really nice when that happens. And I always enjoy that as well. So take it slow.

[acoustic chord riff]

August/narration: 

Learn more about Daisy at daisyducati.com, where you can find fun merchandise, like shirts and jewelry. You can also follow her on OnlyFans, Instagram and Twitter under the handle, DaisyDucati. 

For more from NatsHoney, and the sex worker-focused and led group that offers resources, tools and networking opportunities to sex workers, visit strippersunited.com. Her handle on Instagram is @NatsHoney.

For more from Steph Sia, check out her podcast, Stripped by Sia, which is all about de-stigmatizing sex work. Follow her on Twitter, Instagram and Patreon under the same name: @StrippedbySia.

You can hear about Makenzie’s sex work journey, if you missed it, near the end of November’s episode, “Awkward Date Confessions.”

And if you’re enjoying Girl Boner Radio, I would love it if you’d leave a rating and review on Apple Podcasts — that’s the purple iPhone app — or in the iTunes Store. You can also join my community at patreon.com/girlboner, or by following along on Instagram: @GirlBonerMedia.

This episode was produced by me, August McLaughlin, with Makenzie Mizell. Thanks so much for listening.