“Oral sex is a lot like regular sex: You probably don’t get enough of it, it’s not like it is in the movies and it’s over too fast.” – Cracked.com
Do you agree? Speaking for me personally, I’d say no. Oral sex is awesome but not my fave, and I’ve long been happy with how often I’m on the receiving* end. Speaking for the majority of folks, however, I’d say heck yeah! Cracked is right.
*I’m not big on the giving/receiving terminology; oral sex should be a shared activity, enjoyable for both partners, IMO. For clarity’s sake, I’m sticking with the typical jargon.
Research shows that while oral sex has become less taboo in recent years, many men and women desire more, and women are significantly more likely than men to have gone down on a lover yet lack the opposite. None of this is terribly surprising, all considering.
If so many folks desire oral sex, why are so many feeling deprived? I believe it boils down to four main reasons:
A lack of communication: Your partner won’t likely know you desire more oral sex if you don’t articulate it. If you’re concerned about hurting you partner’s feelings, don’t voice your desires by complaining or criticizing. Communicating our needs isn’t hurtful if we frame it positively. You could say something as simple as, “I love the way it feels when you go down on me.” If you’re not sure whether your partner is happy with your oral sex frequency, ask!
Shameful attitudes about sexuality: A reader recently pointed out that one of his lovers refused to engage in oral sex because it’s “disgusting.” As we discussed last week, it’s important to embrace our sexual anatomy for what it is: beautiful, natural and worthy of TLC. If you find oral sex gross or embarrassing, ask yourself why. Sometimes awareness that our attitudes need shifting is all it takes to stimulate (scrumptious pun!) positive changes.
Fear (or ignorance) of the unknown: If you’ve long believed that oral sex is wrong or simply haven’t much experienced it, you probably won’t engage in or enjoy it. If you’d like to change that, fantasizing is a useful way to start. Once you’re comfortable enough and your partner seems game, act on your fantasies. If you and your partner haven’t found ways to make oral sex rock your worlds, read about it. Talk about it. Experiment. You won’t know what you’re missing until you try.
A lack of passion or intimacy: During my appearance on the Craig and Robbie Hour, cohost Craig Olsen told me that most of his straight guy friends complain about “not getting sucked enough” after getting married. (He also swore that all guys want more blow jobs, stat!, and that fulfilling that need is the way to make any man happy.) Research actually points to the opposite: Married folks tend to have more sex, more sexual variety and more oral sex than singles—but there are always exceptions. Here’s one reason oral sex could tank after saying I do:
Oral sex is a deeply passionate, intimate expression of love, lust and desire. Once the euphoric falling-in-love feelings stabilize and lives and relationships become more hectic or routine, it’s vital that we keep the passion alive. Those love chemicals keep swirling if we nurture them, and dwindle if we become complacent. Emotional passion in our lives and relationships pave the way for sexual excitement. If we prioritize adventurousness and intimacy, sexy awesomeness will come!
I suppose that oral sex minimizing with marriage could also stem from a desire to make an exciting first impression while dating. If you or your partner never really loved oral sex to begin with, perhaps it’s time to cultivate ways you can.
As with most parts of sexuality, finding what works for us alone and within a relationship is key. If you love oral sex and your partner doesn’t or vice versa, find ways to incorporate both of your sexy faves into your lifestyle. We all have different needs and wants, and there’s nothing wrong with one partner’s desires because they mismatch the other’s. Prioritize your own and each other’s pleasure, communicate your wants and needs and listen to your partner. A little sex-geared communication goes a long way, and can make for seriously awesome foreplay.
Are you happy with the amount of oral sex you engage in? Which list item(s) do you relate to or see the most merit in? Do you agree with Craig’s assessments that most men want more oral sex and it tends to plummet after marriage? I love hearing your thoughts!
Reminder: If you want to celebrate real beauty or the beauty of sexuality, don’t forget to sign up for the Beauty of a Woman BlogFest 3! We have two categories this year and some truly exciting prizes. Men and women are welcome! Register here.
Reblogged this on The Self of Love by James Jay Jackson, Jr. and commented:
This is an Epidemic people, it must be stopped!
LOL Well said! Thanks for the support.
I love your posts, they are very informative and helpful
So glad to hear that, James. Thanks for reading!
Interesting perspective. In every relationship–sexual or not–communication is key for success and understanding. Thanks for your post.
Very true, Karin. I don’t think we can have true intimacy without it.
Oral Sex… hmmmmm…. I’m blessed with a boyfriend who loves to give me oral sex as often as I want it (and sometimes even more. LOL)
Of course I do return “the favor” – but I have to be in the mood for it… I do want it to be special for him as well – and not that he gets the feeling I “only” do it out of habit.
Keep it special – and new all the time… that way it never becomes just a “practice”.
Sounds like you have a keeper, Raani! Keeping is special really is important. He’s definitely lucked out with you, too.
I have developed a term which somehow got better accepted over the usual lingo – “Let me give you gum treatment”
I may partially agree with Craig because in some cases before marriage it’s often out of necessity while post marriage it’s mainly out of choice. Before marriage, it’s exercised as an alternative to protective measures when you concern is to keep your “cycle” unhindered. Also there’s an element of trying not to offend other even if it comes at a cost of some personal dislike. All that ends after marriage when rules are simplified
And on a lighter note …
My wife to advising safe sex to her teenage patient, “Use your head to avoid pregnancy”
Excellent point, Yatin! Studies show that oral sex has become a lot more common among sexually active teens, partly to support birth control. LOL I love her advice…and that is one unique term!
I think the social stigma is the biggest issue. It’s not talked about to the same degree as other sexual health topics. But surprisingly I think it ends up in the movies a lot. I wonder why that is.
Good point, Jess. Though the stigma has reduced a great deal, there’s a long way to go. It is pretty crazy, the level and types of sexuality films feature — a good and bad thing, depending on how it’s depicted!
Sadly, oral sex is viewed as less comfortable to watch than intense violence in American films. Pretty major example here: http://www.complex.com/pop-culture/2013/11/evan-rachel-wood-mpaa-rant-charlie-countryman
Wow. Thank you Evan Rachel Wood.
I sometimes think we stumble over whether or not it’s hygienic (like ANYTHING about sex is hygienic…LOL). I know when I was younger, my biggest reason for not trying was more about, “Ewww! They pee outa that thing” rather than any deep seeded concerns about what’s proper or appropriate. Of course, that could simply be because I grew up around hospitals. Once I got past that, two totally different things became a concern. My very sensitive gag reflex and the fear that I wouldn’t like the taste of his semen (yeah, I’m well aware that I can “spit”, but find that a bit insulting to my partner). I got over both things pretty quickly once I realized that 1. breathing through the nose will minimize the engagement of the gag reflex. and 2. my imagination was worse than the actual taste and foods can help “enhance” the flavor to something more palatable.
I know my cousin said that when she got pregnant, her hubby had phobias about “poking the baby in the face” so oral sex became their primary method of making love during that time. It worked for them. Me? I just love knowing that not only can I satisfy my man, but there’s a lot of power when you’re “on your knees.” Oral for me? Yeah, love that, too.
LOL Good point, Kitt. As David W. pointed out last week, our genitals are a lot cleaner than our mouths! Many of us have to get over parts of sex that make us squeamish, and I love your techniques for dealing with a sensitive gag reflex.
Aw… That sounds like a caring hubby, though I imagine such poke-age would be tough. I am with you on the satisfaction and empowerment quotients!
I think oral sex was a lot less prevalent back in the 1950’s, and a lot of women my age may have phobias against the thought of it. I’m glad it has become much more widely practiced since then. And I think Yatin’s wife has a very valid point. I’ve never heard of anyone getting pregnant from giving oral sex.
Very true, David. I’m glad it’s become more acceptable, too!
The biggest complaint I hear is how men approach it to their women. When they want oral, they’re very ‘get on your knees’ about it, or “suck me off baby”, etc. So many women complain that they feel used, as if when the man wants oral, he sees them as just sucking them off or doing what the chick should be doing.
I’m not explaining this right. Kind of like, this is what women are supposed to do, but when a man goes down on a woman, its amazing of him, he’s a sex god. When the chick does it – she’s ‘servicing’ her man the way she should be. Because that’s what she’s there for.
A friend of mine refuses to give men oral because they always approach the subject with a derogatory attitude, like she’s suddenly in existence to please them. As if its excusable for men to talk to women like that every time and expect them not to feel demeaned. Its very hush hush, no one approaches the subject from what I’ve seen. They just kind of ignore it and chalk it up to dirty talk. But when its making someone NOT enjoy the sex and feel demeaned, its not okay.
I see that as the largest issue. It’s pretty much the same old issue. Exposure and acceptance isn’t even a problem I see any more. People are finally pulling their head out of the ground and realizing sex isn’t something to be ashamed of. I think its awesome that you blog on just that.
Ugh. Yes, that type of attitude is not okay! Hopefully the more we talk about it, such things will change. I agree that people are coming around (fun pun!) regarding sexuality, but also feel we have a long way to go. Thanks so much for the kudos, and for weighing in.
What a great topic and very informative, August. Mathair always taught me that the most important thing in a relationship is communication. Unfortunately, though it sounds simple, it’s not often the case in the majority of relationships. I’ve noticed recently that Americans, (oddly enough) are very conservative when it comes to sex, especially oral sex and that it’s a topic that is discussed more openly in Western European cultures. Like you, I’m not a big fan, but most of my friends rave about it yet feel that men aren’t very into giving. Which is funny to me, because my friends say that their men have no problem asking for them to perform. Great post. Sharing now.
Hi, August!
Oral sex. Yummy. I personally love giving and — now, that I’ve found my voice — I look forward to receiving.
One winky-dink (no pun!) problem? I’d have to be a contortionist to be on the receiving end, and accost an unsuspecting stranger from beneath a white table cloth in a posh restaurant to give.
Time and patience. It’s a virtue. Or, so I’ve been told.
In the interim, I’m studying my refresher book, Blow Him Away so I’m back up to speed when the opportunity presents.
Oh, August! A wonderful post, great, really!
It’s about time oral sex got talked about in a positive manner for both sides.
Personally, I love it. I can’t say I have received it a lot, but I have given it and with more and more passion as I learned better techniques. I can’t speak for women, but I can’t help but say that if you are a woman and don’t enjoy oral sex, then he’s doing it wrong – help him. If you are a man and don’t like going down on your woman – shame on you – you can make her feel so wonderful and she doesn’t have to do the work for once. It’s great. Thanks again, August.
“ I suppose that oral sex minimizing with marriage could also stem from a desire to make an exciting first impression while dating. If you or your partner never really loved oral sex to begin with, perhaps it’s time to cultivate ways you can.” Doesn’t elaborate further about ways. What a waste of time.