“Oral sex is a lot like regular sex: You probably don’t get enough of it, it’s not like it is in the movies and it’s over too fast.” – Cracked.com
Do you agree? Speaking for me personally, I’d say no. Oral sex is awesome but not my fave, and I’ve long been happy with how often I’m on the receiving* end. Speaking for the majority of folks, however, I’d say heck yeah! Cracked is right.
*I’m not big on the giving/receiving terminology; oral sex should be a shared activity, enjoyable for both partners, IMO. For clarity’s sake, I’m sticking with the typical jargon.
Research shows that while oral sex has become less taboo in recent years, many men and women desire more, and women are significantly more likely than men to have gone down on a lover yet lack the opposite. None of this is terribly surprising, all considering.
If so many folks desire oral sex, why are so many feeling deprived? I believe it boils down to four main reasons:
A lack of communication: Your partner won’t likely know you desire more oral sex if you don’t articulate it. If you’re concerned about hurting you partner’s feelings, don’t voice your desires by complaining or criticizing. Communicating our needs isn’t hurtful if we frame it positively. You could say something as simple as, “I love the way it feels when you go down on me.” If you’re not sure whether your partner is happy with your oral sex frequency, ask!
Shameful attitudes about sexuality: A reader recently pointed out that one of his lovers refused to engage in oral sex because it’s “disgusting.” As we discussed last week, it’s important to embrace our sexual anatomy for what it is: beautiful, natural and worthy of TLC. If you find oral sex gross or embarrassing, ask yourself why. Sometimes awareness that our attitudes need shifting is all it takes to stimulate (scrumptious pun!) positive changes.
Fear (or ignorance) of the unknown: If you’ve long believed that oral sex is wrong or simply haven’t much experienced it, you probably won’t engage in or enjoy it. If you’d like to change that, fantasizing is a useful way to start. Once you’re comfortable enough and your partner seems game, act on your fantasies. If you and your partner haven’t found ways to make oral sex rock your worlds, read about it. Talk about it. Experiment. You won’t know what you’re missing until you try.
A lack of passion or intimacy: During my appearance on the Craig and Robbie Hour, cohost Craig Olsen told me that most of his straight guy friends complain about “not getting sucked enough” after getting married. (He also swore that all guys want more blow jobs, stat!, and that fulfilling that need is the way to make any man happy.) Research actually points to the opposite: Married folks tend to have more sex, more sexual variety and more oral sex than singles—but there are always exceptions. Here’s one reason oral sex could tank after saying I do:
Oral sex is a deeply passionate, intimate expression of love, lust and desire. Once the euphoric falling-in-love feelings stabilize and lives and relationships become more hectic or routine, it’s vital that we keep the passion alive. Those love chemicals keep swirling if we nurture them, and dwindle if we become complacent. Emotional passion in our lives and relationships pave the way for sexual excitement. If we prioritize adventurousness and intimacy, sexy awesomeness will come!
I suppose that oral sex minimizing with marriage could also stem from a desire to make an exciting first impression while dating. If you or your partner never really loved oral sex to begin with, perhaps it’s time to cultivate ways you can.
As with most parts of sexuality, finding what works for us alone and within a relationship is key. If you love oral sex and your partner doesn’t or vice versa, find ways to incorporate both of your sexy faves into your lifestyle. We all have different needs and wants, and there’s nothing wrong with one partner’s desires because they mismatch the other’s. Prioritize your own and each other’s pleasure, communicate your wants and needs and listen to your partner. A little sex-geared communication goes a long way, and can make for seriously awesome foreplay.
Are you happy with the amount of oral sex you engage in? Which list item(s) do you relate to or see the most merit in? Do you agree with Craig’s assessments that most men want more oral sex and it tends to plummet after marriage? I love hearing your thoughts!
Reminder: If you want to celebrate real beauty or the beauty of sexuality, don’t forget to sign up for the Beauty of a Woman BlogFest 3! We have two categories this year and some truly exciting prizes. Men and women are welcome! Register here.