Finding Sexual Authenticity: Ayce Kyptyn

“Finding Sexual Authenticity: Ayce Kyptyn”

a Girl Boner podcast transcript

Ayce:  I think that a lot of us walk around this world completely abandoning our desires. It’s such a disservice because what this world needs is more of you, not less of you. And so if you can start to get curious with those desires and embrace those desires, your energy is going to shift in the way that you experience this world is going to shift.

August/narration:

Ayce Kyptyn says he’s gone from “Christian missionary to missionary and beyond in the bedroom.” Before that, he grew up in a conservative household.

Ayce:  And so nobody talked about sex or sexuality. Around the age of four, I think I started to question my gender. It wasn’t really socially acceptable.

This was in the 1980s, almost 1990s, and a lot of people just didn’t have any understanding of what it meant to be trans, and especially in the Christian community, that was not an okay thing.

Around the age of four, I decided that I would start experimenting with things, and so I did a lot of boy things, just naturally. I had a lot of boyfriends, and then I also would go outside and get dirty, and go hunting, and go fishing, and play sports.

My parents were cool with it when I was home, and it was just between us and the family. But the moment that I would go out into public, or I’d go to church, I had to act a little bit more feminine, and I had to wear dresses, and do my hair, and try to make me hang out with girls, and have girlfriends, and things like that. There was just this really awkward tension as I was growing up.

I think I started exploring things obviously as I was a teenager. I didn’t really date a ton. I knew I was attracted to men, but I didn’t really like wearing makeup, and going to dances, and doing the “feminine thing.” I just didn’t enjoy it. So I really went inward with that.

And I ended up going to a Christian college. A lot of guys were attracted to me, but I was trying to figure out my own sexuality and who I wanted to be. And because I went to a Christian college, I couldn’t really explore that. I just repressed all the desires that I had to actually become my authentic self.

August/narration:

Ayce went on to become a youth pastor, working in a local church. Then he worked internationally, as a missionary. During that time, he reached a major turning point.

Ayce: I was working for a Christian organization. I was an executive leader and they terminated my position and it was totally out of the blue. it wasn’t because of anything that I had done.

It totally wrecked my world. Everything that I knew to be true had fallen apart in a matter of moments.

So I went into depression. I was like, okay, I need to go get some help. And I intentionally found somebody who was not a Christian therapist because I wanted a different worldview.

I ended up on a therapist’s couch, and I was pouring out just my heart. I’m like, “These are my desires. And it doesn’t fit with the Christian lifestyle that I’ve been living, but I don’t know how to embrace this and be my authentic self.”

She said, “Honey, you’re not straight.” And I was like, “Are you kidding me? You know, that’s like the worst thing in the world.” And she’s like, “No, you’re not straight.” And I was like, Man, okay. I really need to dive into this. There are these desires that I’ve repressed for my entire life.

August/narration:

By that time, Ayce had started to explore his trans identity, too.

Ayce: I was incredibly transphobic, I think is the right way to put it. When I had that awakening with my therapist and I realized that I was trans. I was really scared to even say the words, like, “I am trans. I am transmasculine.”

And so for the first probably six months of my journey, I would say that I was nonbinary. It had been ingrained in me that that was not okay.

It’s taken me probably a good year or so of like a deep dive of like, Okay, what does it mean to be trans? What does it mean to be non-binary? Do I believe in the binaries? Where do I fall on the spectrum? All of that. And so it’s just been a really genuine inquiry for me.

I’ve really embraced the transmasculine title. And I can live from that.

August/narration:

Self-awareness underway, Ayce knew he needed more support.

Ayce: I needed to have a really safe space to process what my desires were. There was no one in my life that I was able to have conversations with about the drive that I had internally and how to express that in this world.

I watched a show called Sex, Love, and Goop. And I binge-watched that over a weekend. And what I did was I went, wow, I need that in my life. The amount of joy and expression that those people had with their sexuality was so attractive that I was like, I’ve been repressing this desire for my entire life. I know it’s there. It’s like raging inside of me. And how do I go about this in a way that’s super healthy?

I was like, alright, I’m going to hire a sex coach and I’m going to dive into gender identity, expression, orientation and figure this out.

August/narration:

Ayce did his research and found a coach he felt a good connection with – someone he could trust to hold a “really genuine space,” where he could authentically express himself.

He flew across the country to meet with the somatic sexologist for a 3-day immersion.

Ayce: The first day was literally just getting to know each other. It was a really easeful entry into the body work that we were going to do over the next couple of days.

So she showed up and she just genuinely listened to what was going on and held space for whatever was arising in the moment to come up. I just felt really safely held.

August/narration:

The next day, they dove deeper into somatic work – which focuses on the mind-body connection and healing, by bringing awareness to physical sensations in the body.

Ayce: And really getting vulnerable with who I am. It wasn’t a lot of conversation. It was really a lot of physical touch to my body and kind of doing a body mapping of exploring what pleasures naturally came up in that moment.

August/narration:

It really helped.

Ayce: The best part about that was I didn’t have to feel like I was being judged or shamed for any of the sensations or desires that I had in that moment. But I could really authentically express what was coming up. And that is probably the first time in my life where I felt like someone genuinely saw me as a human being, and that these erotic desires that I have were not meant to be shamed or repressed, but they were meant to be expressed, and they’re a part of who I am.

And so, it was just a really huge awakening.

August/narration:

On the last day brought together everything they’d worked on so far.

Ayce: And I remember leaving her house and thinking, I’m in a totally different state of mind, and I know my body in a whole new way. What else is out there? What is erotically possible for my life?

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August/narration:

That started a whole new journey, Ayce said, full of curiosity, exploration and healing. One standout experience – and another awaking — happened on a massage table, when he receiving some sexological bodywork. It happened like this:

Ayce: My heart was pounding. I had never put myself in such a vulnerable space before. I walked into the room, it was really dark. It was a calm, peaceful environment.

There was a massage table laid out in front of us and the provider stepped out of the room, and I undressed, and got on the massage table like you would do for a normal massage.

There was music playing in the background, and it was just a really calm atmosphere.

We started out just with basic energetic touch. Basically making sure that you are open to and aware of the energetic presence in the room. And so she held her distance from me.

She didn’t come up to me real close, real fast. It was a really slow process. Her hands were hovered above my body. That really allowed me to drop into my body and get comfortable with someone else in the room for what was going to happen in the next couple hours.

Then her hands landed on my body. We just did some really gentle, sensual touch. Just so that my nervous system would calm down a little bit.

And from that space, then we started exploring what would it look like to touch other areas of my body and what sensations would arise.

We went from a very energetic and sensual space. into more of a sexual and kinky space where it was all consensual touch, because we had discussed beforehand what I was allowing or was desiring for touch. And then we started exploring: What feels good in my body? What is something that lights me up?

Am I really enjoying this? Do I not enjoy this?  We just tested out a whole bunch of things.

August/narration:

This was all brand new to Ayce. And he dug it.

Ayce: I had never been in a kinky space before.

This is where my real awakening happened because we had spent a few hours together in this container and I had deep trust for her.

August/narration:

He decided to make a request:

Ayce: “Can you give me something that I haven’t experienced yet?”

And she brought out some of her kinky toys and we started playing with those and I was like, wow, I really enjoy the taboo, like the anticipation of what’s going to happen and not exactly knowing what’s going to happen within the sensations within my body was just super electrifying.

I ended up being in a totally different state of mind, where I was so dropped into my body and aware of the sensations that were arising. I’d never felt that before.

August/narration:

Ayce left that session on a mission.

Ayce: I was like, Okay, uh, I guess I’m going to probably do this for a profession because everybody needs to experience this in their life.

August/narration:

From there, Ayce dove in, studying with experts, like Jaya, who created the Erotic Blueprints, and Orpheus Black, a Dom in LA.

Ayce:. I mean, fast forward three years, and that’s where I am today. I’ve been trained in the erotic blueprints, bondasage, fire play, all these different things. So I can hold space for people who want to dive into their body and figure out exactly how they’re wired and then also, you know, grow in that space as well.

August/narration:

In other words, Ayce’s journey to living authentically became his work to help others find the same.

Ayce: For me, this is just an authentic expression of who I am.  Just living into what is naturally arising in me and how can I grow that, and then how can I show up in this world as Ayce?

I think a lot of us show up in this world and we hide ourselves, we abandon our desires. And what happened for me in this space was an awakening towards those desires and the ability to live into who I authentically am now.

When people come across me and they run into me in public, they’re like, “There’s something different about you.” And it’s like, yeah, I know who I am. And I can live out of this authenticity I walk around through this.

August/narration:

If you’d like to invite a sexual awakening yourself, or figure out what you even desire in the first place, Ayce suggests finding community.

Ayce: I think the most important part for me was to find my people that I felt safest with. For me, I had to look for people that didn’t think the same way that I grew up and had a different worldview.

I think the most important part for me through this journey was realizing the physical, social, and mental discomfort that I had, and being like, okay, I don’t want to live in this space anymore.

And so I had to get to a point in my journey where I asked, what’s causing this pain inside of me? And then I had to acknowledge, what could potentially ease the pain that’s inside of me? And then I had to accept, Okay, what am I going to do to ease this pain? Like, what is my action step in this?

And so it was a real journey of like, discovering why I ended up where I did, and how was I going to get out of the path that I was on, and onto a new path that was really authentically where I’m supposed to be.

August/narration:

That’s not to say it’s easy, especially these days.

Ayce:  I think there is still a little bit of, I don’t  know if trepidation is the right word, but with the political scheme right now and how they’ve spent 215 million to basically shut down trans rights through the propaganda that’s been going on, there are moments where I want to be stealth. And I don’t want people to know I’m trans, because I don’t feel safe in this world.  But if I feel like I’m in a safe space, and I feel like people can genuinely see me for who I am, then I absolutely want to embrace the trans label.

August/narration:

That makes finding supportive folks even more important.

Ayce: If people are questioning any of these aspects in life, find your people that you can really get curious with your desires, and they can hold the space for you to allow those things to arise. And then they can just help you through that journey.

August/narration:

Ayce believes that discovering and honoring our desires is some of the most valuable work we can do in our lives.

Ayce: I think that a lot of us walk around this world completely abandoning our desires. It’s such a disservice because what this world needs is more of you, not less of you. If you can start to get curious with those desires and embrace those desires, your energy is going to shift in the way that you experience this world is going to shift.

If you want to actually live your life, I challenge people to go there. Ask the hard questions, have the hard conversations, and really discover what this world has for you and what your place is in this world and how you can show up.

August: Ah, yes. How different is your life now?

Ayce: Hahaha, it’s a complete 180! It’s fantastic! (laughs happily)

August: That’s so good.

 August/narration:

It wasn’t an immediate shift, he said, but so worth it.

Ayce: It took me some time because I was in such a deep and dark depression. I had to first get myself out of that space. But I would say within the last probably two years, maybe a year for sure, there’s been a really dramatic shift. In the way that I look at this world, in the way that I understand my place in this world.

As I was growing up, I thought that I was bad, broken, or sinful. And now, I don’t really look at anything as being bad, broken, or sinful. It is what it is. And it’s like, okay, whatever happens in this moment, can I center myself enough to be able to meet this moment exactly how I should?

And dive into whatever’s coming at me in this, in this space. That’s really shifted the way that I show up in this world and how I interact with other people.

I finally realized that I belong everywhere. I should be able to take up space. And for the longest time in my life, I tried to be small and I didn’t believe that I belonged. It was through connecting with people and really building that intimacy, and also understanding that piece of unconditional love for myself. That was the game changer, or the moment that everything shifted for me, was when I could start to love myself, and embrace exactly who I am.

August/narration:

Ayce holds certifications to help people really understand their authentic expression, particularly for LGBTQ communities, and especially queer and trans people. Learn more or get in touch at aycekyptyn.com. Ahtat’s Ayce with one Y, and Kytpyn with two Ys.

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Thanks so much for listening.