Two Frenchmen in One Day + Sharing Sexy Stories: Carly Pifer

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“Two Frenchmen in One Day + Sharing Sexy Stories”

Carly: I was really desiring a space for positive sex stories, because I felt that everyone was just publishing stories of sex that either was bad or way worse, right? And I knew from my own experiences and from others that there were positive things and beautiful intimacy. I started to think back on these interviews and how powerful these shared moments were. I was like where can I put this? Where can I get this into the world?

August/narration:

Growing up, Carly Pifer could not have guessed that she’d one day conduct creative field research dating – nor that her study would become super sizzling for herself.

She grew up learning basically nothing about sex. She told me her sex ed was terrible. And what she gleaned elsewhere was even worse.

Carly: I developed, like my body developed pretty young. So I started getting boobs when I was 11 or 12. And that was young compared to the people around me. And because of that, I got a lot of attention from men. And I think at that age, it was very confusing and complicated.

What I learned, I think, growing up about sexuality is that it is better to own it than to allow others to put it upon you.

And I think that that was something I learned rather quickly. I was called a slut before I had ever even kissed a boy. I mean, it’s sad and terrible. But also, I think I became a slut because I wanted to understand this concept and own it and be in control of it, rather than allowing other people to say what I was. I wanted to be myself. Be like, Yeah, I am. And so what?

August/narration:

In other words, she reclaimed the word slut.

August:

Carly: A slut to me means a sexually empowered person who is not ashamed of their desire for sex. Not ashamed to be sexy and empowers others to find that. I don’t think a slut necessarily has to be having a lot of sex, but I think it is just being sex positive, being comfortable or accepting their own desires.

August: I imagine that didn’t come naturally at puberty.

Carly: No. [laughs]

August: Was there an experience or an epiphany you had? How did you make that decision, and what helped you blossom into your sluttiness?

Carly: I was raised by a Catholic. So A lot of that seeped into my upbringing.

I had a lot of shame and stigma attached to sex. And when I did have sex for the first time, I felt immense guilt and confusion. It was not a good experience because I felt that it was wrong, even though I wanted it.

The first two lovers I had were serious boyfriends, people that cared about me, loved me, respected me. And the third person that I had sex with was someone who I had a very informal relationship with.

He was someone I worked for. I felt very used and kind of tossed aside afterward.

I realized that in some way that set me free. That understanding that you could have sex that wasn’t necessarily super meaningful, attached to love and relationships, and still enjoy it. , and that I could do that, that he could do that, other people were going to do that. It is a lesson I learned over and over again.

August/narration:

Carly learned that lesson and much more in her early 30s when she took on the independent research project. She set out to interview people she met on Tinder about dating and sex — during dates.

Carly: At this particular moment, I got laid off I was on unemployment and I had a room in an apartment that I could rent and I had a friend that was in the UK. I had a friend in France. I decided that instead of freaking out about being unemployed and looking for a job all summer, I would instead book myself a one way ticket to Europe.

Because I wanted to give myself some sort of purpose for this trip, I decided to make it a kind of sex research project where I would go to cities in different countries and go on dates and interview people about sex and dating in their culture.I dreamed of creating a piece that could be in a women’s magazine.

August/narration:

Carly had done a lot writing, both freelance and for an ad agency. And she’d long been interested in writing about sex.

Carly: I think because I have been pretty open and sex positive. For a long time, people came to me about sex because I’m not judgmental. And I think I’m just curious to talk to people about their interests. I open up pretty quickly and I like to ask very probing questions with people.

I used to work for Nerve.com, which was an old school sex and culture website. And I would do a series called talking with strangers where you would go to the bar and literally just strike up a conversation with somebody and ask them all about their sex life. And I was so good at that because I just would go right in and people were always like, “Oh my God, holy shit. Who is this person?”

August/narration:

She also wondered if she’d learn things relevant to her own dating experiences.

Carly: I was single when I took this trip and dating in New York was really difficult. The women in New York are beautiful, successful and intelligent. Amazing women go there because it’s a great city. There’s a lot of choice for men because they’re outnumbered. And you can really just date forever and not settle down.

And I think women that want a relationship have a hard time finding somebody who they feel is on their level and also finding somebody who wants to be in a relationship as well.  I think there’s an idea that maybe it’s easier in other places.

August/narration:

She had no job or relationship leading her to stay in a particular place, so why not explore those curiosities? Plus, as it would turn out, she had a sexy friend near the possible finish line.

Carly: Ironically, the week before I left on this trip, a man who I had gone to college with came into town and we had been kind of going back and forth. He lived in Sweden and I had been to Denmark a year before and, you know, we had been texting back and forth about Scandinavian things .

We ended up meeting up and kind of having this whirlwind weekend romance where I don’t know, we just fell for each other hard. It was like, Oh my God, this person. But he lived in Sweden.

August/narration:

How convenient that she happened to be heading that direction.

Carly: And I had no itinerary except that I was staying with somebody in London who I knew, and then I was gonna take a ferry over to Normandy. Now after meeting this person, my destination was Sweden.

August/narration:

She didn’t even know IF she’d return to New York, much less when.

Carly: I was like saying goodbye to friends and a lot of my friends were thinking that I was never coming back because it was just a very uncertain thing. You buy a one way ticket, you don’t really know where it’s going to take you.

And we had this night planned and he came along and we ended up having this really just intense connection and. sex, of course. And so when I left on the trip, I felt like I had a place that I was heading. But I also had already decided what I was going to do. And I wasn’t going to change that for this person. And they were aware of it and okay with it.

I don’t know if maybe having somebody on the other end made it even more kind of freeing because I did have kind of a destination where in the beginning I did not. But that was an interesting aspect for sure.

August/narration:

So she left, flying halfway around the world to her first destination. She had packed her trusty tape recorder.

Carly: It’s so funny. Cause it’s like, I had an iPhone, but for some reason, I guess I used a tape recorder. And that was like my one piece of equipment. I had these ideas of what I wanted to talk about, but what ended up happening was a lot more organic.

August/narration:

And a lot more orgasmic. We’ll get to that.

Carly: Sex actually was not meant to be a part of it at all.

In my mind, I was going to go on Tinder, go on dates with people,aAnd when I arrived on the date, be like, “Hey, I’m doing this project. Are you okay with having me record our conversation? I’m going to kind of interview you, and ask you questions about your dating life and your sex life.”

August/narration:

Her first date took place on her first day in London.

Carly: I was on the apps, but I went with my friend to a cafe. We were just gonna hang out and do some work.

At the cafe, a photo shoot was happening. We were kind of looking and interested in what was going on, and the photographer, who was there. His name is Twisty. We started talking and he photographed me. I said I was in town for a couple days. He asked if I’d go out that night with him. We went to a very local pub. I told him about my project, and we chatted about it, and he had a really good, interesting story.

He was adopted and he had a lot of trauma around that and definitely a lot of sensitivities in dating and trusting people. We had a really lovely conversation, a few drinks, and then he asked if I wanted to go back to his place, and I did. It’s funny, what I remember most from that night is not the sex, but he dropped me off back at my friend’s place.

We got out of the car and we were kissing and there were foxes on the street, I guess that’s like a thing in London. They were just like little foxes, like running around.

August/narration:

Foxes didn’t remain a part of her dates, but the sex definitely did. Largely because of the deep Q&As.

Carly: After having these conversations that were so intimate, And it wasn’t an interview in the sense of, like, I was just asking them questions.

I mean, they asked me questions, too. It was a conversation. I was very open and honest in a way that, on a date, I normally would not have been. You know, we talked about our fears around intimacy, our fears about finding somebody. And we talked about what we were interested in sex wise. After having these really, really intimate conversations, it felt only natural to then have sex.

August/narration:

One of Carly’s most extraordinary experiences was really a whole day. It involved dates with two French men on the same day. She’d been in Normandy and took a train to Paris.)

Carly: And I had studied abroad in Paris, and I don’t know if anyone listening has ever dated or been romantically involved with a French person, but

August: I’ve been flirted with by French men, and it is something else. Oh,

Carly: Yeah!

August: I mean, they propose to strangers.I got proposed to two years ago two or three times in the same day. You just have to walk by the Eiffel Tower and look single.

Carly: The note to all listeners, go to France if you need some love and attention. I think you hear this about Italian men and that is also true, but like Frenchmen are very truly deeply romantic and I had actually had a lot of conversations about this friend of mine because he grew up more in Paris and Came to New York after school and was having similar experiences dating people ghosting or people being unavailable, not being really direct or clear about their feelings.

And he would say, “This is not how we do it in France.” And that is very true. So my experience studying abroad there was just, yes, like very clear professions interest. Like you never are not sure if somebody’s into you when they’re French. And coming from New York where there was a lot of game playing and a lot of like trying to pretend that you don’t care, it was so refreshing.

So I arrived and I remember getting off the train, it was a sunny day and it was August, and in August in Paris, people leave the city. People go to their country homes. They go on vacation, they go elsewhere. Only people left in the city were people that are stuck working or, you know, gonna take their vacation another time, but it was definitely a decreased population.

And I think that that worked in my favor because it also decreased the amount of available women for the French men. and I had on my profile, “American Girl in Paris,” like something totally cliche, but it was like, I’m going to be clear about what this is.

And it was just immediate, like my phone was blowing up with messages on Tinder and I was sitting outside of a cafe drinking a glass of wine and I was like, okay, this is going to be fun.

August/narration:

She set up a date for that day, with a man named Jean.

Carly: So I met John at the park. Quite far out like the city center and it was nice out. I was wearing a skirt, I remember. And we just walked around the park and then we laid down in the grass. He said he was more than happy to be interviewed.

And I had my tape recorder like between us. He was French, but he learned to speak English in Scotland, going to school there . So he had this really interesting accent on his English.

He was tall and slim. He was wearing a light cashmere sweater, very chic, and very handsome. So we had this great conversation at the park, this interview. He said he had to run an errand, so he needed to go, but he kind of left it open to me, like, what happens next?

And I was like, “I’ll go back with you.” So, he took me to his house while he ran this quick errand in the neighborhood. And I remember, like, being on his balcony, smoking a cigarette, and texting my friends, like, Oh my god, I’m gonna have sex with this guy, and he’s so hot. He came back from his errand, and I stretched out on the couch because I was ready.

And he took a look at me and was like, “So, all this talk about sex, I think we have to try each other.” And I was like, “Yeah, I think so.” And there was something about him that made me feel immediately comfortable, like I had known him a long time. And so I felt comfortable to be very forward and vocal demanding of what I wanted.

We went to his bedroom and I said, “I want you to fuck me while I look out these windows.” It was like this beautiful view of these baroque apartments. And he flipped up my skirt. And went straight for my ass with his mouth. We had some very beautiful sex. He started speaking in French while we were having sex because I think, like, when you’re in bliss, the other languages kind of go out the window.

August: Yeah. Do you speak French?

Carly: A little. Yeah. Not enough to know.

August: And it all sounds sexy.

Carly: Mm hmm.

August: Like, he could have been like, “my laundry needs doing.” You’re like, “oh baby.”

Carly: Yes, totally. Yeah, it’s a very, very sexy language.

August/narration:

When they were done, they took a shower together, which was also super intimate. Then Carly left to have dinner with friends. And she started texting with Frenchman of the day #2, Jonathan.

Carly: And I was really tired, I had already had sex. I was jet lagged. You know. And then I got a little drunk at dinner, but he was like, ” I’m available tonight. Like, let’s go.”

So he suggested a bar to meet at and I was like, pulling myself together on assignment. I was like, I gotta go cause I got to get another interview.

And so I went and he looked really beautiful in his photos and I was a little bit hesitant. I get hesitant with beautiful men. I’m like, this guy’s going to be an asshole or he’s going to be like dumb, but he wasn’t dumb. I knew that from the messages. And he was even more beautiful in real life.

The eyelashes on this guy. He was a little bit cocky. Very different than Jean. felt very American with Jonathan. And we had some drinks. He paid for the first couple rounds, and I had told him about my project He was down, he said, sure, sure, like, get your recorder out, um, I started asking him, you know, well, “who usually pays for drinks or rounds or like, how does that work in Paris?”

And he was like, “Well, you can get the Uber back to my apartment.” And I was like, what? Because he had been paying for the drinks and that was how we would share, we would split. And I was like, “That is very presumptuous, Jonathan, that I’m going back to your apartment.” And I think at that time I didn’t really know that that was going to happen with us because there wasn’t such an easy, comfortable vibe. It was like, he’s acting a little too cool, so I’m not sure what’s going to happen.

And at first I resisted because, for one, like I said, I was very tired. And also I had already had sex with somebody. And we continued our discussion and started talking more about sex. And he said, “Have you ever had sex with a French person?”

And I was like, should I tell the truth? And I was like, yes, actually, earlier today. I didn’t know how he was gonna react. And he didn’t miss a beat. And he was like, “How was it?” And I was like, “Good. Yeah, it was good.” And he was like, “Good. I’m glad we have a good reputation.”

That really disarmed me. I was just like, he doesn’t care. He’s fine to share me with this other person. No judgment from him. So why should I judge myself?

So I did pay for the Uber back to his apartment.

August/narration:

Soon, clothes were off, and she was met by…a welcomed surprise.

Carly: He was very slight. He was very thin and kind of small, but he had this massive cock. And he did undress just in this very dramatic way, like here I am presenting myself. And I feel like it’s always so astounding when a small man has an enormous cock. I love it. I love that surprise.

August/narration:

They had sex once, and then again.

Carly: And I slept there with him, which also is something I wouldn’t usually do with a first time hookup.

August/narration:

But just like with Jean, they were so comfortable together after such an intimate conversation. The sex, though, was very different than with Frenchman #1.

Carly: And I think it’s partly because of where I was physically at that point so I remember with Jean like I was on top and I had an orgasm and I was very energetic. With Jonathan, I don’t think I moved much. But I let him fuck me. Like I don’t know if you ever get this feeling I get it sometimes if I’m sick or hung over, like just really tired where your body’s really sensitive to any touch and like everything.

It’s like a melting feeling, and to just kind of take it and absorb that feels really good, rather than being super engaged and involved. I probably wasn’t the best lay that night, I’m sorry Jonathan.

August: I bet he had a great time.

Carly: [laughs] Yeah, I just remember feeling so tired and like, kind of melting into the bed, and like letting his big cock have his way with me.

August/narration:

Carly later wrote about the experiences. The story is called, appropriately, “Two French Boys, One Day.” Here’s an excerpt, featuring Jean.

August:

Carly: Our conversation wanders from serious relationships to casual sex. I admit I have been single for a while, and my approach to sex has begun to feel too unceremonious. I tell Jean I feel blasé about one time sexual partners, like they are just another in a long list, difficult to differentiate and too risky to put meaning on.

He stops me, corrects me. “Each new lover is a discovery,” he says. “Don’t you think there’s something sad about having really wonderful sex with a person where you feel really connected and then you never see them again?” I ponder, already thinking about what it would be like to fuck him and leave Paris in a few days.

“Well,” Jean answers, “It’s kind of beautiful, too. It’s kind of both. It’s the most free act and liberating thing you can do. Of course it can be sad because you start wondering, what if, what if, what if? But it’s never just sex to me, and I don’t say that just to please you.” That’s really how he talks, like a poem put through Google Translator.

August: Aw.

Carly: I know, isn’t he the best?

August: It’s so endearing.

August/narration:

This next excerpt is about her day’s second romp.

Carly: Jonathan, he’s even more beautiful than his pictures reveal: long, enviable eyelashes and deep large eyes, a model-like pretty face, and a delicate but angular jawline. He walks ahead of me into the bar and I detect a swing in his hips. He moves with such confidence. It’s as if he’s floating. He floats to the bar and orders us gin and tonics, and then we float to some nearby seats.

We make small talk, but his beauty makes me nervous. I am immediately disarmed and hyper aware of myself, my clumsiness, my Americanness, because he’s so French and cool. He’s not like Sean. I feel alert around Jonathan, enticed. I want his approval.

August: I feel like I’m watching a movie.

Carly: It felt like being in a movie, you know, those moments in your life that are just unfolding kind of for you and you, you feel like a participant rather than the orchestrator? It was really like that. It was a really beautiful experience all in.

August/narration:

And like all cool movies, her spicy research adventures came to an end – with her arrival in Sweden, as planned.

Carly: That relationship was something that started so strong and kind of right when I got there I realized that something was a bit off, like this wasn’t Where I was supposed to be, but I stayed for a month because I tried, I tried to convince myself otherwise.

August/narration:

Then she received a job offer back in New York, and headed back there. For a while she was busy working, and sort of shelved the interviews she’d gathered. Then, when the political climate changed in the US, she felt a pull to do something with them.

Carly:

The Trump campaign began and as a survivor of sexual assault, and I know so many of us are, I found that time period to be extremely triggering.

I just felt every single day in news and media we were being shown these too real, close to home examples of sexual assault and people getting away with it.

August/narration:

This was also at the height of the Me Too movement.

Carly: And as a person who is attracted to and loves straight men, I was beginning to have this difficulty divorcing the bad men from the good men.

I’m not known as an optimistic or a very positive person. I’m pretty critical, not judgmental, but I’m critical of myself and I’m critical about the way things work. and I’m the first to say what is real versus what would be a shinier, beautiful image of something.

But I was really desiring a space for positive sex stories, because I felt that everyone was just publishing stories of sex that either was bad or way worse, right? While those were all extremely relatable, I felt the danger of slipping into this negative rhetoric around sex that started to make it impossible to want to be with men or want to engage in sex.

I knew from my own experiences and from others that there were positive things and beautiful intimacy. I started to think back on these interviews and how powerful these shared moments were. I was like where can I put this? Like where can I get this into the world?

August/narration:

She started thinking about creating her own place to publish.

Carly:

Because being a writer is a lot like dating, finding a publication that wants to publish your stuff. I had had bad experiences with editors. And I wanted a space that was like a community platform for people to share their stories.

August/narration:

She immediately thought of Jean and Jonathan – two men with whom she’d shared deeply pleasurable experiences. Men who respected her, and co-created so much intimacy. Even the big-cock guy was only so…cocky. She would create a platform called Aurore.

Carly: And I felt that this story, Two Frenchmen in One Day, was a perfect one to start out with.

August/narration:

She went for it, starting with some crowdsourcing.

Carly: I built Aurore and I started asking friends and friends of friends for stories.

August/narration:

Now, four years later, Aurore has over 200 stories by almost as many writers, from all over the world. When we spoke, she had just received a story from a trans man living in Beirut.

Carly: I just found it so fascinating that this person in Beirut had somehow found Aurore and wanted to share their story. LGBTQ stuff there is not so out in the open, and the fact that they do have a space that I created that they can feel seen and feel their experiences reflected. That’s so important to me.

August/narration:

Carly also recently published a story called Sex in a War Zone by a woman on the front lines in Ukraine.

Carly: Basically doing sex work, having sex with Ukrainian soldiers and other volunteers, and she writes about her experiences, so profound.

And it makes me feel like we really did need this space. We need these spaces going back to the beginning of not having sex positivity and having to own your sexuality without a community around you is really, really difficult. And once you find your people that don’t make you feel judged or shamed for that, it’s really special.

August/narration:

Catch all of Aurore’s sexy stories by subscribing at readaurore.com. You can also follow along on Instagram at @readaurore. And if you feel so moved, consider submitting a story yourself – anonymously or not.

Carly:  It’s everyone’s space and everyone built it because each story is a contribution. And whenever I get people saying like, “Oh, I want a story like this.” I’m like, “You are the one to write it. You write the story that you want.”

August/narration:

And that is the advice we’ll leave you all with. Write, draw, daydream or talk about a sexy experience you’ve had. Chime in with a story anonymously through Instagram or submit one through Aurore’s website. As Carly’s has shown, the stories are so, so needed. And a lot of fun, too.

If you’re enjoying the stories you hear on Girl Boner Radio, I would so appreciate a rating and review. I hope you’ll also consider telling your friends about the show. As always, thanks so much for listening.