Hotwifing and Finding Love: Casey Donatello

 

“Hotwifing and Finding Love: Casey Donatello”

a Girl Boner podcast transcript

Casey: It’s hard for people to understand that after watching your wife fuck someone else you can feel closer to her. You would think that would tear you apart but it’s so backwards to us that it does make us feel closer. That bond just gets deeper and deeper every time we do something with somebody else. 

[encouraging, acoustic music]

August/narration:

Sex-positivity advocate, Casey Donatello, was pretty put off by sex in her teens, especially compared to her peers.

Casey: So this is really funny because it’s not actually a story that happened to me, but it is something that really stuck with me for a long time. 

When I was in, probably my early to mid teens, I grew up in the city, and we would hang out on street corners, like, at night, all of our friends. And there was a park that we would always go to. 

So, my friends, the girls that I hung out with, were way more sexually active than I was. I was very nervous and shy, and they were just doing all kinds of crazy shit. 

So one night, my best friend goes into the park with this guy, and she gives him a blowjob, and he comes all over her face and he gets it in her eye, and her eye gets all irritated and swollen and stuff.

So everybody knows what happens. And we’re teens so obviously that spreads around like wildfire. There’s all these rumors and this gossip and stuff and I was just so horrified by it. I just never wanted to be that girl that people were talking about in that way. And I was very nervous about getting cum in my eye for like a very very long time after that.

And you fast forward like 20 something years and now I have a massive cum fetish. I’m always getting covered in cum, and I have an OnlyFans, and I have, you know, all of this adult content on the internet now. So it’s amazing how you evolve over time, and your biggest fears become, like your favorite thing in life. So I’m very happy that I got over that.

August/narration:

You could say she’s come a long way. You know I couldn’t resist that one. Blossoming into her sexuality, though, was not a quick thing.

Casey: I was in my twenties and things at home were kind of a mess. My parents had gone through a divorce and I just wasn’t feeling great, I dropped out of college and I was just kind of lost. 

I ended up going to culinary school. And then having an affair with my boss at my first job and he was married. He was older. So I was like how many things can I pile on to myself at once? And then if that wasn’t enough, we ended up joining the lifestyle together somehow.

August/narration:

Meaning the swingers’ lifestyle.

Casey: So I was in the lifestyle with somebody that was cheating on his wife. It was just this whole big disaster of a mess. But, we broke up, and then I tried to forget about the lifestyle for a little bit.

And it just wouldn’t get out of my head. I had seen too much at that point. We had gone to swingers clubs. And, just being in that environment where you could walk around a club with a ton of people naked in lingerie having sex. I was like, oh my god I can’t let go of this.

August/narration:

So she ventured back to the swinging community, this time as a single female. 

Casey: And that’s where I spent most of my time in the single world.

August/narration:

One night she had her first threesome with two guys, which turned out to be a “pivotal moment,” she said – one that “changed everything.”

Casey: It’s funny because this wasn’t the best sexual experience. When I got into the lifestyle, I was playing with girls and couples just because I thought that’s what people do.

I didn’t really know any better, so the first time I played with two guys wasn’t even my idea. I knew one of them, and we had a very not exciting date one time and he wanted to see me again, but I wasn’t really interested. I was sitting home one day doing absolutely nothing.

August/narration:

…when the phone rang. [phone buzzes] It was him.

Casey: He offered his friend as a package deal and I took them up on the offer. He said, “Hey, I have a friend, do you wanna try this?” and within an hour of him calling me, we were meeting at this motel to have a threesome. [male voices talking] So it happened very quickly. I had no time to even process what was happening. 

It’s one of those things where you just gotta rip the band aid off sometimes, right? You just gotta go for it, because If I had time, if I had a week to plan for that, I don’t know if I would’ve gone through with it or not. So that was a big moment for me.

I was so nervous because I had no idea what to do with two guys at the same time. And I almost talked myself out of doing it. But thankfully I went through with it. And it surprised me that it was fun, but it didn’t meet the expectations that I had in my head. It was so much tamer than I thought it was gonna be. And from that day on, I just never stopped playing with multiple guys.

August/narration:

More experiences and more guys.

Casey: It just became more and more and I got into gang bangs, and if it wasn’t for those two guys, I never would have known what I was capable of. Even though I never saw them again, they did change the direction of my life. 

[encouraging, acoustic music]

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[encouraging, acoustic music]

August/narration:

Casey said that trying DV, double vaginal penetration, was another big moment for her.

Casey: A lot of people are into DP where it’s like one cock in your pussy, one in your ass. But double vaginals, they’re both right there in your vagina together. That was life changing. I’ve never gotten over that. It’s one of my absolute favorite things in the world.

August: I have to ask you, because I think when people hear that, they immediately think pain. So would you share what it actually felt like?

Casey: I wish I had words to describe it. I don’t think the vocabulary for how amazing it really is has been Invented yet. That’s just my opinion. Some women absolutely hate it. So it depends on your body the other people but it’s it’s not pain at all. You just feel like this pressure and you’re just getting like tighter around two cocks at the same time. It’s not difficult for them to both go in there.

I thought it was gonna be impossible when I tried it for the first time. I thought it was like an urban legend that I was hearing about, and it wasn’t even a real thing until I tried it. And I was really surprised that, wow, they just both go in there. But sometimes you need the right combination of guys. It doesn’t work with every party of three. Sometimes you have to play around with it. But it’s really not that bad, and I also had a fear that oh my god, if you do this all the time, you’re gonna get so stretched out and loose. Not true at all. I think it actually makes you tighter. I think your muscles are working so hard that it just makes you incredibly tighter. That’s my personal 

August: Yeah, I mean, you’re working out! 

Casey: If you’re afraid of that, don’t let that stop you. Because I said, “Okay, I’m gonna do it just sometimes, but not all the time.” This way I protect my tightness. And then after a while I was like, fuck it, I don’t even care. And it hasn’t changed anything at all. So that’s the urban legend, I think.

August/narration:

Gang bangs aren’t something Casey ever imagined she’d want to do, much less actually embrace.

Casey: 

Because that was something I was like, I am never gonna do that. I am not that type of girl. Which, I don’t even know what that type of girl means, right? We just have these things in our head that we are or we aren’t.

But at the end of the day, you’re just a regular person that likes to have gang bangs. It doesn’t make you a different type of person or change anything else about you, and I think that’s the fear people have. There’s a lot of judgment. People will say this to me all the time, it’s the dumbest thing ever, they’ll say, Oh, you’re too pretty to have a gang bang.

Cause we go to public theaters and stuff, which are considered very seedy and grimy, and people will say, “You’re too pretty to go there, you should be able to get guys on your own.” I go, “I can get guys all the time, but I just enjoy going to those places.” Your look should have no bearing on what type of activities you like to engage in.

And they say the same things about the guys that like to have gangbangs, like, ‘What’s wrong with you? Can’t you get your own girl?” Some people just really like the group mentality, and I don’t know why people have  such negative feelings about this type of stuff. It’s really weird to me. 

August/narration:

Casey remembers her first gang bang well. And just like her first two-guy threesome, it was pretty spur of the moment. If you remember my episode with Stella Harris about threesomes, that’s not often the best way to go about them. But it works really well for Casey.

Casey: I’m a very spontaneous person and I also really like anonymous sex, for a majority of the people I’ve slept with. So they could be walking down the street right next to me and I would never know that I’ve had sex with them.

So I was playing with this guy when I was single. We were friends for many years in the lifestyle. He had been offering to have a gangbang for me for a while, and I always said no, and then one day I was like, “fuck it, let’s try it.” 

So, he picked me up one night. I knew absolutely nothing. He took me to someone’s house. It was him and I think three other guys that I had never laid eyes on, didn’t know their names, didn’t know anything. I just showed up there, and it’s this moment where I felt like they were sizing me up.

Like, who is this girl? Does she think she can handle all of us? And, I’m a very competitive person. So, for me, that’s kind of the fun of a gangbang, is to see what’s gonna happen. Like, how many guys can I last with? and they’re the ones that are left like with no energy. I’m just sitting there like guys, come on, do you need more friends? It’s like a fun little taunting game that goes on.

 I like to have more of like a fun gangbang, I guess you could say. Like I’m always joking around and very personable. Even though it’s crazy fucking and hardcore situations like there’s still a lightness and a funness about it.

August/narration:

That really struck me, because, I don’t know about you, but the term “gang bang” seems to have an almost violent vibe about it.

Casey: I hate that people have that negative thought about the word. They should just say, like, a group of guys if they don’t want to say gang bang. Multiple guys. Whatever makes you more comfortable. As the woman, you are in control of everything that is happening.

You set the tone, you set the rules, you set the energy. And they will listen to what you say. If you make rules, you have to make sure you enforce your rules.You need to make sure everybody knows the rules before you begin. That’s the nice part about having my husband there, is he’s kind of like security. 

August/narration:

That’s right, Casey is now married – something she did not foresee happening. 

August: How did you meet your current partner? Do you remember the actual moment? 

Casey: 100 percent I do. He was in the lifestyle also. He was a single guy and I was a single girl. And it’s funny because we had seen each other’s profile online on the same site so many times. And I was always like, wow, he’s really my type. And I was very popular on the site.

Not to be conceited, but single girls just get a ton of attention. And I was like, why doesn’t this guy ever message me? Like, what is his problem? 

On his end, he had always seen my profile, and he knew how popular I was, so he was like, there’s no point in even messaging her, because she’s never going to even read my message, probably.

August/narration:

As it turned out, they had a mutual friend, who set them up. Take a wild guess what their first encounter entailed.

Casey: The mutual guy friend calls me, and he goes, “Listen, if you want to have a threesome, I have this really nice guy that I think we’d have a great time,” and  I came directly to his house, because he had a sex room in his house.

August/narration:

A sex room in his house. Can we all pause and daydream about that for a second?

Casey: So they lured me with the intrigue of the playroom. My friend was late, so I ended up at this random guy’s house, by myself. And, we’re just like staring at each other. We don’t even know what to do, because we can’t play until our friend gets there. But, we have nothing to talk about. 

When you go on random sex date, you don’t expect to hang out and chit chat, you just want to fuck. So now we’re waiting like a half hour, and it’s getting so awkward and uncomfortable. He was just really nervous and excited that I was at his house.And our friend finally shows up. We had this incredibly hot threesome. And that was it. I left. We weren’t supposed to see each other again. 

August/narration:

Casey preferred anonymous sex after all, or at least no strings attached.

Casey: But, lo and behold, we ended up hooking up for a while after that. 

He was such a nice guy that I didn’t believe that he was really who he said he was. In my past, guys always started off really nice and then after enough time they’re just complete assholes. They’re psychotic They have bad tempers. They mistreated me. So I was on such high alert that I was like, there’s no way this guy is who he says he is. But apparently he was. 

August/narration:

He was kind, respectful and patient with her.

Casey: And I think that’s what I really needed from someone, for them to prove that they had the actions, not just the words. To be the person that I wanted to be with. He gave me enough time and space to treat him like shit and to break up with him a bunch of times and then to come crawling back and say you know what? I think I actually really like you. 

And I always said I never wanted to get married. And now we’ve been married for a few years. Definitely was a game changer for me, came out of the blue wasn’t expecting him. And I fought him as hard as I could not to fall in love with him, but we’ve been very happy We’ve been together almost five years at this point now.

August/narration:

In addition to sharing life together as a couple, Casey and her husband embrace hotwifing.

Casey: Hotwifing is a very broad term, and it just means that the wife is encouraged and allowed by the husband to have sex with other people. Generally speaking, she’s having sex with other guys, but it could really be other women, couples, but commonly, she’s fucking other guys. You could have a hotwife that goes out on her own and then reports back. You could have a hot wife with a cuck husband, she humiliates him, and she’s fucking guys that have bigger cocks than him, there’s like a power shift.

And then you have what we are, which is a stag and a vixen, where there’s no power dynamic. He just really enjoys sharing me. He thinks it’s fun. He thinks it’s sexy. We always play together. So he’s on every date I go on. I don’t play without him. And the guys are super respectful to him. They always ask his permission to fuck me. They thank him at the end of the night. So it’s really built around respect and just the fact that he likes to watch me fuck other people. There’s nothing wrong in our relationship. Nothing is missing. 

August/narration:

That, Casey said, is another common misconception about hotwifing, and swinging in general. 

Casey: People think your relationship must have a problem if you’re doing this, you’re trying to fix something. And then specifically in hotwifing, because my husband is faithful to me, but I’m not faithful to him, people are like, oh my god, there definitely has to be a problem. Either he doesn’t respect you if he’s sharing you, or she doesn’t care about you if she’s fucking other guys, and these things are so false. 

If you’re in a healthy relationship, they’re false. Some people do try these things to fix stuff, but in the end, generally doesn’t work out. You need to be on the same page, there needs to be, like, trust and communication. 

August/narration:

That’s what Casey and her husband prioritize and she said they “just really have a good time.”

Casey: Before I met him, I had been, what I call, like, practicing or in training for hot wifing. Because I was playing with guys that were sharing me with other guys, even though I wasn’t their wife. So already embedded in my brain, like, wow, I like this feeling. I like being shared by guys and passed around. And when I met my husband, The first day we met, technically, I was being shared between two guys.

August/narration:

But that threesome, she said? Was so different from what they enjoy together now.

Casey: Because we were strangers when we had that threesome. Right? So even though it was fun and I technically was being shared between them, for lack of a better word, like, I didn’t belong to anybody. I was a free agent, right? Now I belong to my husband. So, right off the bat, the fact that I should be off the market because I am married, right? You think marriage, monogamous, can’t play around. Because we’re breaking that, there is this element that is just so hot and sexy and emotionally charged. When he shares me now, it’s a very different feeling. It’s so night and day. And that mental part is really like the key of hotwifing. That’s what you’re looking for. That mental play and that emotional connection. 

It’s hard for people to understand that after watching your wife fuck someone else you can feel closer to her. You would think that would tear you apart but it’s so backwards to us that it does make us feel closer. That bond just gets deeper and deeper every time we do something with somebody else. I’ll be fucking someone, and he’ll look at me and just say, “You look so beautiful, I love you so much right now.” That’s not what we’re raised to think is normal. But to us, it’s normal. 

It takes a while to get there. It wasn’t overnight, but we’re at that point now where it’s just something that we like to do, it’s a huge part of our life, we are very active with it, and if we don’t do it for a long time, we start to miss it. Sometimes there’s months where we can’t play because our life is so busy. Even though it’s such a big part of our life, and we don’t want to give it up.

We try to find balance where our regular life always comes first. So family, friends, vacation, work, our quality time. We never sacrifice that to hook up with other people. So there may be months where we don’t play, and we’re fine, but in the back of our heads, we’re both just like, wow, this sucks. We want to go out so bad and do this. We miss it. 

If we could never play with anyone again, we would still be as happy as we are right now. That’s the fun part about it. It’s not like we’re ever missing anything, we’re just increasing things every time we do it, which is pretty cool.

August/narration:

If you’re interested in delving into hotwifing, or a similar dynamic, in your relationship, consider these pieces of advice from Casey.

Casey: It’s about both of you. Just because I’m the one having sex people doesn’t mean my husband has nothing to do with this process, right? He needs to be having fun too whether or not he’s physically involved, so you both need to make sure that you want to both do this.

You can’t force anybody on either side into this type of dynamic. You have to decide what the husband’s role is going to be, what your boundaries are. Because there’s a lot of things to talk about. It’s not just, oh, I’m going to fuck somebody. There’s so many questions that come up surrounding that.

 Who is this person? Where are we going? What am I allowed to do? What am I not allowed to do? What do you want to see? What am I going to wear? It sounds so silly, but these are very important factors, because if you don’t discuss these it’s going to be a disaster probably because you’re not going to be mentally prepared for what’s going to happen.

Also, I think a lot of people have this fantasy But in reality, it’s not for them. That image in your head might be really enticing but seeing it in reality might not be what you think it’s going to be. 

August/narration:

If you do try it, Casey estimates that there’s a 50% chance it’ll work out — meaning you both enjoy hotwifing and want to continue doing it. 

Casey: One of you might love it and the other one hates it and then what are you gonna do now? But that’s with any fantasy that you live out, right? There’s always that potential for greatness and for not such greatness, right? So you have to know that there’s always a risk every time you try something that there’s potential for a disaster and then how do you salvage that? Some people, once they taste something, they can’t give it up for anything. Other people are willing to say, Okay, it didn’t work. It’s not worth it. So you just have to be aware of all of these things.

August/narration:

Meanwhile, communicate and then communicate some more. She said that’s the most important thing.

Casey: You have to be so brutally honest. You can’t sugarcoat anything. You can’t hide anything, and that’s what’s weird about being in the lifestyle, is that it really forces you to say things to your partner that you don’t want to have to say or admit things to yourself that you don’t want to say out loud, right, but you have to talk about everything in so much detail to make sure that you’re on the same page all the time. 

August/narration:

And that usually does get easier.

Casey: In the beginning, it’s really awkward and weird. And now it’s just kind of fun to say whatever you want to your partner all the time. We could talk about every little thing that happened on the date – the guy’s cock size, and this position, and where he came on me. There’s nothing off limits between us. 

He’s almost like my girlfriend at the end of the night. We have no filter between each other. People have different feelings that you might not expect to have. You have to really respect that. You have to make sure that you are always in a solid place before you go on your next date.

It might take a month to figure out your shit before you play again. It might take two days. It’s really just It depends on the people involved, and how you’re feeling that day. 

You’re not always going to agree on every situation, and that’s when it gets tricky. How do you cooperate and compromise? Because it does take a lot of compromising. This is still real life with a real relationship and no relationship is easy. In real life, in vanilla worlds, you argue with your partner all the time. You have good days and bad days, and now you’re just putting yourselves in this pressure cooker, so you have to be so much more careful with everything that you do and you say.

August/narration:

And, like most relationship challenges, working through the tough parts can pay off. Casey said it totally has for her marriage. 

Casey: We’re so at peace with each other because there is no fear that anything we do will tear us apart. We believe that we can get through anything, and we can work through whatever it is, whether it’s sex related or non sexual. You go through all these experiences together, and every time you solve a new problem together, you’re just like, okay, we got this. I never thought I would be this happy with somebody, especially in this type of relationship.

August/narration:

As for exploring any fantasy or new spicy activity with a partner, especially something that’s often considered taboo, Casey offered this advice.

Casey: If it’s something you really want to try, go for it. Don’t let other people’s opinions stop you from doing anything. And don’t be embarrassed. That’s a big one. Right? Shame and being embarrassed about stuff can really stunt your ability to grow and develop.

You have to be able to not feel that shame, like, What’s wrong with me? Why do I like these things? And then you have to be able to vocalize that if you’re with somebody else. Or the other person that’s going to help you with your fantasy. you have to be able to just speak up and say, “Hey, this is what I want to do.”  Because no one else can read your mind,  and you might be missing out.  I’ve known couples where both parties would be into having an open relationship, but neither of them want to be the first one to say it. You don’t just come out and say, “Hey, I want to fuck someone else.”  Start small and just ask, like, what are your fantasies?  Is there anything you’ve ever been interested in?”  

You just kind of fuel people out and get that dialogue going because you’d be surprised how many people want to do crazy shit but just don’t want to admit it. Somebody has to say something if you feel like something is really missing.  Cause the worst thing for me is if we didn’t have a conversation about something and then one of us, like, cheated or just lost interest or we ended up breaking up because somebody wasn’t happy when no one said anything.

August/narration:

And that, she said, is why communication is everything.

[encouraging, acoustic music]

Learn more about hotwifing and Casey’s experiences on her podcast, In Bed with Strangers. She’s also written three books about getting into the swinging lifestyle, meeting her husband and more. Check them out, along with the couple’s OnlyFans page that features real dates, at caseydonatello.com. She also offers private coaching related to the lifestyle.

And if you’re enjoying Girl Boner Radio, I’d love it if you’d give it a rating on Apple Podcasts or Spotify and share links with your friends. Thanks so much for listening.