Fairy Tales, Feminism, Dominatrixes!

 

“Fairy Tales, Feminism, Dominatrixes!”

a lightly edited Girl Boner Radio transcript

August (narration):

Fairy tale. Noun. A “children’s story about magical and imaginary beings and lands.” At least, that’s according to Webster.

These stories have been told for centuries. They were coined “fairy tales” in the 17th century, by French countess, Baroness Marie Catherine d’Aulnoy. Apparently the stories then were especially full of fairies.

Fairy tales are supposed to give us a sense of magic, perhaps hope, and grand adventure. That’s the idea so many of us, here in the U.S. today, anyway, have gleaned. And it’s one reason we hear phrases like “fairytale ending” to describe any stories or relationships that end with bliss. But are the stories really blissful?

You’ve probably heard or thought about some of the seemingly sexist, size-ist, racist and ageist ideas in popular fairy tales… Tropes like the evil stepmothers in Cinderella and Snow White, the evil witch in Rapunzel and The Little Mermaid. Many feature white princesses with large breasts and teeny, tiny waists, and the “prettier” they are, the more likely they are to be “good.”

So many stories seem to suggest that older women will become deathly jealous of younger women and end up “ugly” and alone, and that a woman’s worth is super wrapped up in her ability to land a straight, “hunky” man – even if she has to have exactly the right shoe size to find him. Or, should I say, be rescued from her pathetic life by him.

I know, there are still many fun parts to these stories, and it’s okay to enjoy them—as long as we’re aware of these things. But get this:

According to historians and scholars, fairy tales weren’t created as parables or stories to follow like cookie cutters. And the very first fairy tales were created by women as feminist critiques of patriarchy. 

Woah, right?

Take the original fairy tale, “The Island of Happiness,” written by d’Aulnoy in 1690. [harp strum] The fairy queen and heroine, Felicite, ruled over a magnificent kingdom and showered her lover, Prince Adolph, with gifts…only to be abandoned when he chose fame over the couple’s happiness. When the Baroness wrote that, French society had become really repressive and dangerous.

Girls as young as 15 were forced into arranged marriages with far older men. They weren’t allowed to work outside of the household. They couldn’t get divorced. They had no control over finances or inheritances. Meanwhile, their husbands could freely have mistresses. If a man’s wife was even rumored to be flirting with a potential lover, she could be sent off to a convent for two years for punishment.

Journalist Melissa Ashley wrote that: 

“D’Aulnoy (duh-leh-nwah) and her peers used exaggeration, parody and references to other stories to unsettle the customs and conventions that constrained women’s freedom and agency…” And “D’Aulnoy’s central theme was the critique of arranged marriage, her heroines repositioned as agents of their own destinies… Gender roles were reversed; princesses courted princes…”

And yet, how often do we hear D’Aulnoy’s name versus male writers, like the Brothers Grimm? Those brothers, by the way, didn’t release their fairy tales until a good century later. In those stories, women were often caretakers in the home, victimized by violent crime and even speak far less than the male characters.

Author Ruth B. Bottigheimer explored these disparities in 1810 and 1812 versions of the Grimms’ fairy tale collections in her book, Grimms’ Bad Girls And Bold Boys: The Moral And Social Vision of the Tales.

She broke down the speech patterns of fairy tale characters and shared a prominent example from the original “Hansel and Gretel.” Hansel speaks more often and for longer than Gretel. In fact, the first thing he says to her is, “Quiet, Gretel.” Apparently this kind of shushing is a common Grimms’ stories. Spells of silence are cast on women way more than they are on men and the female characters most valued by male suitors? Barely speak at all.

And those are the stories that our modern day, Disney princess stories seem to have evolved from, along with many rom-coms. Coincidentally, or not, women speak less there, too.

A 2017 study that looked at thousands of films showed that in romantic comedies, men have, on average, about 58% of the dialogue. Of course there are, thankfully, exceptions. I just wish we all knew about and celebrated the early fairy tales and their messages. Stories we grow up with are important. They can impact how we feel about ourselves, what we believe about sex and gender, our relationships and more. 

A few years ago, I interviewed Kasha Urbaniak, an expert in power dynamics and communication and former globally-successful dominatrix. She told me that when she founded The Academy, a school that teaches women the foundations of power and influence in 2013, she realized she couldn’t teach women how to claim their power, in the boardroom, in relationships or anywhere else, without addressing sexuality.

She said one of the best examples of the need for claiming our sexual power, lies in a popular fairy tale:

Kashia:

This is best articulated for me in the story of Sleeping Beauty, because it’s something I can viscerally feel and relate to. So in the not the original, but in the story of Sleeping Beauty that we grew up with, what you have is a woman who is in a fucking coma. She’s in an erotic coma. She does not feel anything. And it isn’t until the rightfully ordained heterosexual man in a high position of power with money comes to bless her with a kiss, that the spark of her fire, her passion and her eros, awakens. 

So there’s this idea that for us, our sexuality lives outside of us, in the idea that the other is what stokes the flame. The other is the catalyst. And also in the sense that female sexuality is very outside in: clothes, billboards, advertising, all of it. And in one sense, so obvious, and in another so subtle, that when a woman feels erotic longing, it’s difficult for her to conceive of it without having an object. If it doesn’t have an object she’s just horny, it’s weird. If it has an object, she’s infatuated or she’s in love, and it belongs to the other. The other stokes it. The other’s behavior determines it. How the other performs determines how the experience goes. 

And so what I noticed is that with that dislocation, that almost all of the women coming to my classes had some form of that, and had some form of if they had an encounter, especially with a man that was compelling, all of their attention, all of their energy, all of their analysis, all of their concern went out to him, even if it was like an entire world of assumption and imagination and calculation and strategy. It was the fastest way to you know, mainline the concept of giving your power away. And it happened fastest when we were talking about sex. 

August (narration):

Fascinating, right? This can happen among all genders, of course, and I certainly know guys who analyze and make assumptions about love or lust interests at length. But it’s often different in certain ways, because the messages we receive are so different. For women who are into men, it’s much easier to think that if a guy we’re attracted to isn’t into us, there’s something wrong with us. Our sense of self-worth gets wrapped up in it because we learn that our value is so much is about landing the guy…and that said guy is essential for us to have our own sexuality. So we often, the analyzing has less to do with the other person and everything to do with us. We don’t just want love, or lust. We want value. Don’t all humans want that?

And these same messages affect men in wonky ways. If you’re not the “hunky,” wealthy, prince-like guy or you learned that women “play hard to get”—so you may as well take “no” as intrigue, for example—well, that’s a mess. And sex can end up being about conquest, ego and the one place you’re allowed to freely express your feelings or be vulnerable.

If you’re nonbinary, you’ve probably resisted these messages more than anyone, given that you’re living in ways that literally say, you know what? Gender binaries are constructs; I don’t have to be defined by them. At the same time, you’re dealing with too many folks’ lack of understanding.

We are all more alike than many of us realize (and at the same time unique), but we’re socialized very differently.

If we don’t take fairy tales literally, though, and we challenge the ideas popularized ones promote? They may actually turn out to be pretty magical. Stories we can learn from. Stories we can even change the world with.

And some classics have been rewritten with a queer bent, and kick those gender stereotypes out the window. Ash, by Malinda O, for example, is a lesbian retelling of Cinderella. Peter Darling, by Austin Chant, asks, “what if Peter Pan was a transgender boy who developed a love-hate romance with Captain Hook?” Both stories are not only about love, but self-acceptance. 

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that several folks I’ve interviewed who’ve worked in the dominatrix business have brought up mystical childhood stories. Think about it. Who is more fairy tale-magic-like than someone who makes your spiciest dreams come true, morphs into your most incredible fantasies and can make hot things happen with the crack of a whip?

This last example I’ll share came from my conversation with Goddess Severa. I’m going to share a few portions from our chat, because I think her journey really is fairy-tale-esque. 

When I asked Goddess Severa what she had learned about sex and sexuality growing up, she said:

Goddess Severa:

Well, you know, I have a good friend visiting me here, and she knew me from my early days. And we were joking last night, that if anybody were to lay out, “okay that you’re a teenager now, but in 20 years, one of you will have lived abroad and had worked in dungeons,” it would not have been me, because my parents were very straight laced. I was raised with Victorian rules of propriety, and behavior. And we didn’t talk about things like sex.

August

So did you learn anything? Did you have like, sex ed class?

Goddess Severa:

Um, yeah, we thought we learned a little bit in school, but I feel like I was always this way. I was hardwired towards BDSM.

August:

Interesting. And when did you first start to discover that part of yourself?

Goddess Severa: 

Well, when I was little, I would fantasize about spankings. There was this old Mother Goose – you know poem, “This old lady who lived in a shoe. She had so many children, she didn’t know what to do. So she gave them some broth without any bread, and spanked them all sound and sent them to bed.” 

August:

And that turned you on?

Goddess Severa:

So much. I was mesmerized looking at these cartoon of these spankings. I was like entranced by that.

August:

Wow. Last week, we were talking about coming out in all kinds of different ways. And it has so much to do with connecting with who you authentically are. But sometimes who the world is a little like, Whoa. When did you start to feel like you could emerge?

Goddess Severa:

Not for a long time. So I kept all of that quietly, quietly under wraps. I went to college, I played ball overseas, and then I didn’t even bring it up in my relationships. I tried once. And then this guy said that I was weird. And so I didn’t bring it up again. Because I felt really rejected by that. 

But when I moved to New York City, I moved there on a whim. I was on a talk show, Maury Povich show, “Opposite Attractions,” where I had to say that I like short men, but I had a friend that I wanted to visit. And so I thought, well, I’ll go, I’ll go visit her. And I’m American. So I thought, well, I could just stay here. But I had no money. I was like, What am I going to do? 

And so I was looking through the Yellow Pages and I saw this ad for domination. And so I called them up. And it was Eva Terell, the grandame of BDSM in New York City. And I explained that I was new in New York, were they looking for anyone and she was like, “No, we, we have hop across we need.” And I said, “Did I mention that I’m six foot five?” And she [said], “Oh, you must come down immediately.” 

And I was very lucky because she took me under her wing, and taught me how to Dom, how to do it the right way. And she introduced me to poets and porn stars. 

August (narration):

Still, she had a lot of learning to do. Her first client session was a bit of a whirlwind.

Goddess Severa:

It was with this tall, impassive, German man. He looked like Dolph Lundgren with a short haircut. And he was completely impassive. Like, I didn’t get any feedback from him at all. And so I was like, what do I do, what I do? And I’d kind of run and look at my session notes and go, okay, and run back and kind of try something out. But it’s hard when you play with someone who doesn’t give you any feedback at all, like nothing. No expression on his face. So I was kind of thrown into the deep end. And I just had to learn by doing it.

August (narration):

Soon, though, she got her groove on. And a typical session goes like this:

Goddess Severa:

So he would fill out my meeting form and we would go back and forth on that. And let’s say it was a wrestling session, he wanted to feel my power. So it depends if it was a roleplay, I’d say, “Okay, I’m gonna go change now, I’m gonna come back. And when I do, we’re gonna play, alright, you be this character, and I’ll be this character, alright? And if you feel uncomfortable, you tap on my leg as a nonverbal way to communicate, and I want you to feel great.” And so then we just start, and then we will have talked some things up beforehand. And then we just play, like, when we were kids, when we played That’s all it is. 

August (narration):

Okay, maybe not exactly like when they were kids, but you get what she means. I do find it interesting that domming and sex work in general have this dark, insidious reputation, when so much of it really is about fun and play.

Goddess Severa told me she’s grown a lot personally through her decades of experience in this field.

Goddess Severa:

….just to be non judgmental, to be open and it’s taught me to be kind to people. Sometimes people walk through the door and I’m like – someone could be seven feet tall with googly eyes and maybe they look weird. But at the end of the hour, I will have had this great experience with this person. I feel very close to them. And we leave and he hugs me and I hug him and it’s just been a great time. So I’ve learned to look past people’s exterior. And I actually like playing with you know, older, pudgy people… I love to make people feel good and sexy.

August (narration):

The takeaways she hopes to ensure for her clients are the kind I hope we can all have, in terms of sex:

Goddess Severa:

Just that sex should be fun. And it’s possible for life to be exciting, that people who are sexually happy tend to be happier overall. And I think, yeah, when you don’t have that burden of living these unexplored fantasies, you know, life becomes interesting again. It’s not such a slog. And it is fun to go out and explore and try new things. It adds a little pep to your step and a sparkle in your eye. If you give yourself permission to try this stuff in a safe setting where someone makes you feel good about yourself, you can have just a fantastic time. And these are takeaways that you can take back to your relationship.

August (narration):

The same can go for benefits to your rocking single life, and your relationship with yourself. And many sex workers work with couples and single folks alike.

Goddess Severa told me there is so much she loves about her work, especially this:

Goddess Severa:

I think just the exchange of energy. It doesn’t matter particularly what we’re doing but when I can meet someone be a stranger and then get them to relax enough that we are on. And he is this submissive state of mind, I can just see the flicker in the eyes where they’re present, and nothing else matters. And then we’re going back and forth. And we’re having this interchange where sometimes I actually feel high afterwards because it was just so fun. And the person is totally pumped up to so it’s a really powerful thing for both people. I don’t have too many complaints. I’ve been very lucky throughout the years. I think I’ve met the nicest people in this scene. The most fun. I’ve developed some friends. I’ve known some playmates for over 20 years. 

August:

Wow. 

Goddess Severa  

Yeah.

August (narration):

How’s that for some groovy alchemy? Learn more about Kasha Urbaniak at KasiaUrbaniak.com and Goddess Severa at GoddessSevera.com. 

Stream my full conversation with Goddess Severa by joining my Patreon community. 

For the amount you might spend on one fancy coffee per month, you can get access to that and more episodes you can no longer hear anywhere else, bonus tips and stories from guests and my profound, never-ending gratitude. Seriously, I am so moved and excitedwhen anyone signs up at any level. Again that’s patreon.com/girlboner.

[a few bars of upbeat, acoustic music]

Since we’re on the topic of sex and fairy tales, I did a bit of searching for erotic movies of the folklore variety—and yes, apparently fairytale porn is a thing.

I’ll leave you with some of the titles that made me a chuckle, from the ever-so-scholarly resource, Reddit:

In a thread titled, What would the titles of Disney films be if they were adult movies, user SkinThatSmokeWagon said “Booty and the One Eyed Beast.”

Clavis_Apocalypticae had a few fun ideas, including:

Peter Pansexual, Snow Thighs and the Seven Dicks and The Little Spermmaid

And my favorite from a random google search, that honestly brought up some titles I found slightly gross, stood this gem: A Tale of Two Clitties.

How about taking that into your dreams tonight?

[a few bars of upbeat, acoustic music]

Another thing to celebrate now—speaking of two clitties— is Pride Month. All through June, The Pleasure Chest is celebrating all bodies, pleasures and persuasions with their full-color spectrum of Prde Sex Toys for Trans, Lesbian, Ace, Leather, Bear, Bisexual Pride and More.

Their Pride Sex Toy Collection is so radiant and enticing. Check it out if even to see the Cowgirl Unicorn Premium Sex Machine–which seems as luxurious as it sounds. It’s also pricey, but fear not. If that’s not in your budget, something like the b-Vibe Peace & Love Tie-Dye Rimming Butt Plug Set or sparkley Le Wand All That Glimmers vibrator might be just precisely your Boner ordered. (How’s the for a fun phrase?) To get inspired or start shopping, head to thepleasurechest.com or click the link down in the show notes.

*****

So what if your sex life is anything but fairy taleu-esque because of painful or uncomfortable sex? You may want to consider Dr. Megan Fleming’s Pleasure Pick for June. Learn more by streaming the full episode up above or on your favorite podcast app! Learn more at greatlifegreatsex.com/pleasurepicks.

For bonus content and to support my work and mission, join me on Patreon! Check it out at patreon.com/girlboner.