Libido. Sex drive. Reason for sex drive decline. How to get your Girl Boner back.
If terms like these crop up routinely in your relationship or Google searches, there’s a good chance you or someone you’re in a relationship with is experiencing dwindling sexual desire.
While it’s easy to feel alone when it happens, many folks of all genders experience libido decline at some point. So if you’re in this camp, trust me—you’re not nearly as alone as you feel. It’s also common to feel stressed over low sex drive, particularly if your partner craves far more sex than you do.
My recent Girl Boner Radio guest, Pam Costa, felt alone and frustrated when, 20 years into her marriage, she realized that her reduced drive had become problematic. Feeling it was a “make or break” situation, she decided to get proactive. She confided in her gynecologist, began working with a sex coach and eventually dove into a variety of sexual adventures in the name of reclaimed desire and heightened intimacy with her partner. One of her biggest takeaways?
Desire is often more present than you realize. You merely need to tap into it. (Pun embraced!)
Libido was always brewing under the surface, Pam said, but circumstances in her life kept it hidden. She wasn’t merely letting pleasure fall to the wayside sexually, but in general. Now, she finds something as simple as stopping to notice the sun shining down on her or savoring that perfect cup of coffee helpful.
I used to let those moments pass me by a little bit too much,” she said. “I’ve learned to stop in that moment and really soak them in. Not just in my head or my heart, but all the way down to my vulva.”
Pam now shares her experiences on Down to There and has shifted career paths to sex and relationship coaching. She also encourages other women to discuss sex with female friends through a fabulous program called Down to There Circles (love!).
I hope you’ll listen to the episode, which is rich with insight from Pam. Learn how solo play enhanced her journey, what it was like to attend a masturbation class (naked, in a room full of women), what’s up with “penis polishing,” about her first attempt at “stranger role play” with her husband and more. You’ll also hear fabulous tips from Dr. Megan, who weighed in for a listener who fears years sans sex may have diminished her Girl Boner for good.
Listen on iTunes, Stitcher Radio or here—then let me know what you think! I love hearing from you.
So important to talk about! And yes, I’ve been there…sometimes the solution is simply to assume the position, pun intended. You won’t feel sexy while working or doing dishes, most likely. So…maybe get naked and do dishes together! Or whatever works for you. Just make sure that your partner also takes on the challenge to help you get into the groove…In other words, I’m not talking about lying there, hoping to feel sexy. Get proactive, and find out what gives you a Girl Boner!
August McLaughlin says
Yes (yes, YES), Jennifer! Very well said. You’re so right that simply starting physical touch often being enough to rev the sexual engine — and teamwork can help hugely.
Although it surprised me, it was rather easy to lose my Girl Boner. I noticed a real decrease in libido after lumbar surgery that involved some nerves. Mostly, I had to build up certain muscles and find new positions; mine came back not with quite the same sparkle but returned. It would have been so helpful to attend some of the classes that Pam Costa described. And I agree about wearing clothes or rather not wearing…. As well, the suggestions that Dr. Megan provided regarding playing and having fun would have helped. Great show and thanks for the links!