How do I know if my girlfriend is turned on? How can I tell if a woman wants sex? What does a sex hungry woman look like?
Since starting Girl Boner®, I get asked these questions a lot. A whole lot.
While there are exceptions, much of what’s available online isn’t exactly helpful, empowering or even factual when it comes to answering these questions.
In researching the topic, I’ve come across articles that say, almost verbatim, “Women are complicated and confusing, in the bedroom, too!,” then go on to list body language cues so subtle that they could simply mean she has dry lips, feels shy or shifted positions in her chair to feel more comfortable. Others list physical cues reminiscent of porn—i.e., if a woman sticks her butt out as you walk by, she’s into you and wants sex. (That’s an actual quote. #umwhat) Adult films show arousal, of course, but most are designed as entertainment, not sex ed or realistic how-tos.
So here’s the thing.
If you’re not sure whether a woman you’re with is turned on and interested in sex (important: all genders can be turned on and not want sex, and vice versa), ask! Seriously. It’s perfectly okay, and IMO, kind, respectful and very often hot. Ask with genuine care, and she’ll tell you.
Communicating about physical intimacy can make for incredible foreplay and draw you closer physically and/or emotionally. More importantly, it can help ensure that you’re both on the same page and 100% comfortable as you decide whether or not to engage sexually.
As for those physical signs, guess what! While we’re all unique, all genders experience the same stages of arousal. (We have sexual science pioneers Dr. William Masters and Virginia Johnson to thank for that knowledge.) I suspect we’ll explore those more here in Girl Boner-ville very soon…
In the meantime, I’d love to hear from you! How have you learned to communicate about sex-readiness with your partner(s)? What questions do you have about arousal? If you’d prefer to reach out privately, do so here.
Exactly as you said, my love – no one knows my body and desire better than me so I let my guy know any and every time I can. But of course, you don’t want to bark orders or make it seem like a game her can lose….gentle leading with the head, positive feedback, noise ;)….and seductively telling whispering in his ear exactly what I want while massaging/undressing/caressing him is usually the spark.
In moments when it’s possible I’m turned on, I love when my husband asks me what I want right now.
If I am turned on and I want things to escalate, then it’s hot to talk about what I would like me or him to do next to escalate things.
If I’m not turned on or I don’t want sex, it’s a relief to be invited to say out loud what I would ideally have happen next, and to know that the ambiguity is taken out of the equation.
Sex is so weird. Everyone thinks about it, but few of us actually openly talk about it. I wish “I am turned on right now” could be uttered as casually as “I am hungry right now.”
So yes, just ask. Asking is easy. Asking is simply. Nobody’s a mind reader. ASK ASK ASK.
Your Partner in Passion Kait says
COSIGN THIS TIMES 1000!!!! YES YES YES!
Seriously though – while something can be said for picking up on body language, it’s much murkier than point blank “baby I need you.” PLUS: arousal nonconcordance. You can be physically aroused without your brain being into it and vice versa!
Talking about what I want and need, and asking my honey, is one of the sexiest things ever. Did we do it at first? Nope. We guessed like we were “taught” to by these outdated ideas you mention.
Lastly: I’m SO fucking over “women and their vulvas are complicated.” Besides that it’s not transgender-inclusive, vulvas and penises aren’t really all that different if you look at them closely. Same parts, different organization.
Aurora Jean Alexander says
You’re right… asking is more important than anything. This way things are clear, no misunderstandings, no problems, no trouble.
It’s not always clear who wants what. And misinterpretation of body language happens.
I experienced that first hand.
Scott L Vannatter says
I know you are right. I have joined the ranks of BDSM and am learning tons. One thing is, yes, ask. A woman will, most often, tell you exactly how she feels about most things if you ask sincerely and, usually, in private. They have no real reason to lie. If they don’t want sex, they will tell you, and again, usually, nicely if you have done the same. If they want it, they won’t lie either – you have asked first and nicely, so they should respond in like kind.
Also, just so it can be said – BDSM is not the horrible thing everyone seems to say/think it is. “50 Shade” was originally fan fiction written for Twilight with Edward and Bella as the couple. Totally different from what’s portrayed in the book, which is, by the way, not at all representative of 99.9% of BDSM matchups. I am neither a pain freak nor a control freak. I look forward to a wonderful relationship with the right woman (or, perhaps, women).
One sure sign is when you put your hands down her pants and it feels like a horse eating oats.