“When you don’t have the burden of living with unexplored fantasies, life becomes interesting again.” ― Goddess Severa
Goddess Severa has come a long way since her straight-laced beginnings. Raised with Victorian-style expectations, her BDSM inclinations surfaced in early childhood, when she fantasized about spanking. She learned to withhold her preferences when a partner called her “freaky,” until she moved to NYC on a whim.
Seeking lucrative employment, she responded to an ad for domination from Eva Terrell, a grande dame of BDSM. She called to inquire and was promptly told they had all the gals they needed.
“Did I mention that I’m six-foot-five?” she recalls asking. That was all they needed to hear.
Now, with over 20 years of experience in the industry, Goddess Severa has a lot to say about BDSM and sex work, myths surrounding both, and what we can all learn from the lifestyle. I had a blast chatting with the giantess, professional dominatrix last week on Girl Boner® Radio.
To hear our full chat, hop over to iTunes or stream it below! In the meantime, here are a few of my favorite takeaways.
MYTH #1: BDSM is inherently dangerous.
Whips, chains, spankings, darkness. While these traits accompany some forms of BDSM, the lifestyle and preferences aren’t any riskier than dating someone you’ve met at church or a bar. Strangers are strangers, and commonsense is key no matter what.
“I think there’s a lot of misinformation out there, but I would say that whoever you play with, your submissiveness is a gift. When you go on a [professional play] date, you figure out, do I like this person? Do I feel safe going to this person?” Severa said. “Just as I have to vet someone that I play with, it behooves you to figure out, who is this person? What are her reviews? How long has she been doing this?”
While some people use it as an excuse for abusive behavior, she added, it is not inherently dangerous.
“We have a credo of Safe, Sane, Consensual,” she said of the community. Imagine if all folks, regardless of sexual style, adopted the same.
MYTH #2: Submissives have no control over what happens.
Just because you choose to submit to a partner in BDSM, doesn’t mean you give over all, or even most, of the control. Approached properly, guidelines such as boundaries and “safe words,” are predetermined and fiercely respected.
“I have a meeting form that I have people fill out to explain themselves a little bit to me — their hard limits, their interests, what they’re not into,” said Severa. “It is a give and take. I want to have a good time. I want them to have a great time, and I want this to be a collaboration.”
MYTH #3: Kink and BDSM have a universal meaning.
There’s no absolute definition of “kinky.” Think about it. If we take it to mean sexually adventurous or extreme, pretty much everything is kinky when we first try it, right? BDSM isn’t cut and dry either, with a definition that seems to be evolving.
“Some aspects of what might have traditionally been conceived of as BDSM, including blindfolds, [are] no longer considered that,” said Dr. Megan Fleming in response to a listener’s question on vanilla sex. “What’s important is that you know what you like. If there’s one thing I can say to any individual and/or couple, it’s you are your own expert.”
MYTH #4: If you’re not kinky, you’re somehow flawed or “prudish.”
There’s not a single thing wrong with loving more traditional sex. If you get plentiful pleasure from simple touch, makeup sessions and missionary position, heck, that’s awesome! Yet as BDSM grows more mainstream, it’s common for folks not so into it to feel less sexy or exciting.
Trust me, if Goddess Severa, whose career is based on kink-adoration, says whatever jazzes your Girl Boner goes, it does.
“Be nonjudgmental with yourself,” she said. “If you know what feels good, who’s the audience? Who cares if your life isn’t kinky? Are you having orgasms? Are you feeling closer to your partner? Are you having a good time?”
You don’t have to be kinky, she said. Regardless, stay open to fun and embrace your fantasies, whether they stay similar or change. One thing the goddess of domme has learned over the years is this:
“When you don’t have the burden of living with unexplored fantasies, life becomes interesting again.”
This was quite interesting, just not really my ‘corner of the world’ in sexuality.