Author Sarah Fader was perplexed about sex early on, but she now finds solace and confidence in her sexuality. She also manages mental health conditions and writes books and articles aimed at helping others better thrive. Learn more in this week’s Girl Boner Radio episode!
Listen on Apple Podcasts/iTunes, iHeartRadio, Spotify or below! Or read on for a lightly edited transcript.
“Loving Sex and Managing Mental Health with Author Sarah Fader”
August (narration):
Author Sarah Fader told me she remembers a bunch of random things about sexuality from when she was growing up.
Sarah:
I remember when I was young, I want to say really young, you know, maybe like four, I remember riding on a tricycle and realizing, that feels really good, like riding those rocking horse type things.
And I remember my parents being like, “You really liked that rocking horse.” And I’m like, “Yes.” [laughs] And I always felt sort of like this weird shame about it. Now I know it’s natural for children to explore those things.
I also remember watching, you know, because in the 80s, and 90s, we were so not censored from watching R-rated movies or things like that. So I remember seeing a lot of sex scenes and being like, Wow. Is like – Is that how you’re supposed to have sex? Like I remember thinking, what’s normal? Or like, What am I supposed to do when I have sex?
August (narration):
Sarah kept these questions to herself. She said sex felt like this thing that you weren’t supposed to talk about. Except for this one time.
Sarah:
So I remember learning what it was on the playground. I remember this girl being like, “You know what sex is?” I was six years old, and I was like, “No.” And she’s like, “Do you know how babies are made?” And I was like, “The stork, right?” And she was like, “No. A man sticks his penis in a woman’s vagina.” And I was like, “No!” [mock horror] I couldn’t believe it.
I remember coming home and telling my mom, “Is that true?” And then she was like, “Yes.” And then my dad says he remembers having this conversation with me where I was like, “It takes so long! The guy has to take his pants off, and like it’s this whole process.” So I remember being so perplexed by sex when I was younger.
August (narration):
Eventually, Sarah’s brother tried to educate her a bit more practically.
Sarah:
But his version of educating was like, “you sleep with a guy like make sure he puts a bag on it.” [imitates masculine voice]
It was all like me trying to get information about sex in this like, really roundabout way where I was like am I allowed to talk about this? It was very taboo, you know? I have these memories of trying to get the right information or trying to understand things but feeling pretty lost.
It’s not like somebody was telling me “don’t talk about it” but it felt like I wasn’t supposed to talk about it. I mean, my parents were very hippie, dippie-
August (narration):
-but they didn’t know how to talk to Sarah about sex. It’s not like their parents spoke openly about it.
Sarah:
So I’m having unprotected sex as a teenager like recklessly, right? Because I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. And my parents didn’t talk to me about birth control.
August (narration):
She considers herself very lucky that she didn’t get pregnant during high school. She wasn’t protecting herself from that or STDs. At a certain point, her brother caught wind of her sexual practices. And he said-
Sarah:
“Yeah, you really cannot be acting that way.” And so I got more responsible.
August (narration):
Sarah has come a long way since then. And she loves sex, unabashedly. She basically has since she learned what it actually entails, and realized that sex and intimacy are a place in her life where she feels completely free.
Sarah:
I feel really sexually empowered. First of all, I have so much Scorpio in my chart so I am so sexual. And it’s something that I feel confident about. One of the best things about sex, for me, is making my partner come. It turns me on when the person is having a good time.
That was so empowering to me, because it’s so much of a better experience when you’re focusing on the other person, because then all of a sudden you just accidentally orgasm.
August (narration):
Sarah said that realizing all of that about herself made sex better and boosted her confidence. She felt like she had found this special talent.
Sarah:
People are in it for different reasons but for me, when I feel so focused on myself, it’s not as intense of an orgasm. The more that I realized that, the better it became for me, and also it was like, I have a special talent. I felt like, Oh, I’m good in bed, right? So it made me feel good about myself.
You know there’s certain parts of myself that, you know, I’m insecure about.
August (narration):
But sex is not one of them.
Sarah:
That’s where I’m like, Yes. I know exactly what I want to do. It’s almost like, not dominatrix-ie, but sort of that- I like to tell people what to do. I’m not afraid to be like, “Do this. No, you’re gonna do this.”I’m very vocal about what is working. I always ask the person that I’m having sex with, “Do you like that?” It’s not necessarily dirty talk but it’s like communication during sex makes me feel empowered.
August (narration):
That empowerment has played a huge role in Sarah’s mental health, an area of her life where she struggles, and shares openly about in articles she writes and on social media. She’s written about her experience with panic disorder, chronic anxiety and depression. And, like me, she manages ADHD. Sex seems to help Sarah in all of those realms.
Sarah:
I just am such an anxious person. And I think I welcome anything that allows me to turn my brain off. So sex is one of the only places where I can be like, “Let’s fuck.” Like, that’s it, you know. I don’t have to think about like, How much money do I have in my bank account, right? I don’t have to think about any of that crap. Because an orgasm is free, right? You can just hook it up.
It definitely alleviates my anxiety. When I’m feeling really stressed out, if I’m not gonna have sex, I could just take my vibrator out. I’ll just put the vibrator right on my clit and be like, 1-2-3-4-5 done. [buzzing sound] I’m waiting for that release. It’s almost like when you’re getting a massage and you’re waiting for that muscle to just release itself. And I feel like the lead up to the orgasm is so awesome, a stress relief.
If I’m feeling depressed I’m like, You know what will make you feel better? Let’s get that dopamine going. Let’s get the serotonin going. And even though I don’t really feel like having sex or like using my vibrator, I know that if I do it, I’m going to feel better because I’m going to stimulate that part of my brain.
August (narration):
Sarah also lives with bipolar II, which causes depression and occasionally elevated moods known as hypomania. That interplays with her sexuality, too.
Sarah:
For example, if I get hypomanic, I just want to have sex all the time. It’s confusing to people, too: “Why are you so hyper sexual?” And I’m like, “I don’t know!” Part of it is hypomania. Part of it is just the way that I’m wired. It’s like my body just wants to.
I swear my body also wants me to have hundreds of children, I feel like. It’s like it knows when I’m ovulating. When it’s like, Yeah! Let’s go!
So there’s the hypomania thing. There’s when you’re depressed and you don’t want to have sex and it’s like your partner feels rejected because they feel like what am I doing wrong but it’s really just that you have no libido.That happens a lot.
Or maybe somebody has been sexually abused. So it impacts the way that they have a relationship or non relationship with sex. There’s so many different ways that your mental health and sexuality can overlap.
August (narration):
One thing I love and appreciate about Sarah is the way she shares openly about so many difficult, often-considered-taboo topics. She’s written publicly about grieving her mother, who passed away not long ago. She’ll post online that she is not doing okay, or about her ongoing struggles with compulsive spending. That isn’t something she used to do. But then, she realized her well being depends on it.
Sarah:
I just really know what it’s like to feel trapped in your mind and your body and I remember just growing up and feeling like, Oh, my god, my thoughts are so scary. I don’t want to be in my head. I don’t want to be in my body. I want to dissociate.
But I felt like I couldn’t tell my friends. I could tell – I could talk to my mom about it. But even then there were things that I’d be like, I had these crazy thoughts. And like, they’re so scary, and I don’t, I don’t want them.
And my mom had depression, anxiety, and my dad had OCD. So at least I was in a family where they did understand what it’s like to not be neurotypical. But I still felt like when I left the house and when I went to school, I had to put on the hat of somebody who was not having problems. And also in the 80s and 90s, you didn’t talk about that stuff.
So I feel like once I felt safe enough, because the blogging community was starting to talk about being on antidepressants, I was like, Oh, this is so awesome. Like people are actually talking about this stuff. And I was like, I have had it holding this in. I just need to be myself.
Oh, the other thing that really contributed, I think, to wanting to be open about stuff is that I was literally getting physically ill because I was holding in all of this pain and anxiety and guilt for having mental illness. And I was like, I will not get sick because of holding all this stuff inside. It has to come out. Like it’s making me sick and I refuse to get sick.
I had a stomach ulcer like all this stuff that was happening. Eating disorder type behaviors like restriction. And almost like orthorexia, wanting to be healthy but being scared to even take vitamins because I’m like, I don’t know what’s in the vitamins.
But I was just like, I don’t want anybody to have to feel like they have to hide or like they’re different or that they have to hold stuff inside.
So I feel like the more that I do that and the more that people see it’s okay to do that—I’m going to do that—that it normalizes it and then we can all feel comfortable.
August (narration):
Sarah wants you all to feel more comfortable with your body and sex, too, without feeling the need to morph into someone you’re not or go to extremes to feel valuable.
Sarah:
I think less is more. So it’s important not to try too hard.You can be sexy in jeans and a T-shirt. I remember my ex telling me this and I thought it was so true. He’s like, “You don’t have to dress up. You don’t have to wear a dress or put on makeup, whatever. I find you sexy in jeans and a T-shirt.” And I think sexuality is not about what you wear. It’s not about the makeup you have on. It’s about your vibe.
It has to come from within. You need to feel like you are sexy, like you have something to offer. And the more that you are confident in your body and how you feel in your body, you’re gonna have a good time.
It doesn’t matter what size your body is. You can be sexy and be a large size. You can be sexy and be a small size. Curves are sexy. Being slender is sexy. It doesn’t matter. It’s about how you feel on the inside.
Don’t let anybody tell you what is sexy. If you feel sexy in whatever it is, then that. You don’t have to please anybody.
August (narration):
If you’re really struggling with your mental health, Sarah wanted you to know, first and foremost, that you are not alone.
Sarah:
If you’re struggling with your mental health, I think one of the things that is so hard is feeling other. You feel different or you feel like nobody else feels the way I feel. Well, they might not feel exactly the way you feel but I’m sure there’s somebody out there who can relate to what you’re feeling.
You know, human beings are different but they’re not that different. But there’s somebody who’s gonna get it. So try, try, try, try to talk to somebody that you trust about it. Even if they don’t necessarily understand, if you trust them and you feel comfortable talking to them, they can lead you to somebody who can help and will understand.
And don’t give up. Maybe that person doesn’t get it. You’re going to try somebody else. You keep trying until you find someone who does understand.
It’s so hard when you’re in that state where you’re like, I just feel like I’m struggling. I feel like I can’t like nothing’s gonna change, but also it’s good to remind yourself that you’ve survived this long, that you can go another day. Or you can go another minute.
Or like try to find something that’s gonna – If you’re really, really having a hard time and you’re like, “I just can’t make it through this next day.” Okay, well just make it through the next 30 seconds. How can you make it through the next minute?
August (narration):
Sarah has relied on that practice a lot, any time she’s feeling depressed and time seems to slow down, or when her anxiety flares up.
Sarah:
If I feel really anxious, my brain feels like an uninhabitable place. I can’t get comfortable in my head, in my body, and everything.
August (narration):
So she asks herself:
Sarah:
What is going to make me the most comfortable in the next minute? What can I do to make myself feel more comfortable right now?
August (narration):
Often the answer is reaching for a blanket. She said she really loves blankets. It doesn’t even have to be a weighted blanket, she said – just wrapping up in a blanket, like it’s a hug. She also relies on her cats.
Sarah:
Animals are not going to judge you. They’re just going to love you. They’re the best.
August (narration):
Whether you grab a blanket, pet a cat or escape into Netflix–another tactic Sarah finds helpful–she really wants us all to give ourselves permission to rest.
Sarah:
I remember my mom saying this, and I think it’s so important. Sometimes you just need to go to sleep. Like if you’re sleeping so much that could be a problem. But sometimes we don’t realize how fucking exhausting life is.
And you, if you feel really emotional and so overwrought and you can’t come up with a solution to something, just take a nap. Like really.
August (narration):
I love that advice so much, even if it’s what my own mom used to call “pretend naps,” where you zone out with your eyes closed while listening to something on your phone or TV.
I’ve heard from a few folks recently who feel ashamed for not having energy or desire for sex lately, because of major life stresses or exhaustion. The best thing you can do for your emotional health and your libido is probably rest. Always, always take care of your basic needs first. Sex stuff often works itself out once you do that. Not always, but often.
For more support in your mental health journey, check out Sarah’s latest book. It’s called The CBT Workbook for Mental Health: Evidence-Based Exercises to Transform Negative Thoughts and Manage Your Well-Being, and it’s co-written by Dr. Simon Rego.
Sarah:
And it has all different kinds of exercises to help people with any kind of behaviors that they feel need to change in their lives.
So it could be something that maybe you’re having social anxiety or maybe you have trouble maintaining and sustaining relationships. Or maybe you have panic attacks. Regardless of whatever issue it is, there is an exercise in there that can help you change your behavior to change your thoughts.
August (narration):
You can find The CBT Workbook for Mental Health at the link in the show notes and follow Sarah Fader on Twitter at @TheSarahFader.
[acoustic chord riff]
You know what else can be good for your mental health? Kink play. For folks who are inclined, kink and BDSM is shown to be therapeutic. In fact, research has linked BDSM with an overall sense of wellbeing, boosted confidence, reduced sexual shame, and a sense of community.
The Pleasure Chest is promoting kinky play all month long, in celebration of Kink-tober. Shop their curated collection of the Best BDSM Toys at thepleasurechest.com or click the link down in the show notes. They have floggers, bondange kits, silk ties, nipple bulbs and more. Again that’s The Pleasure Chest at thepleasurechest.com.
And if you’re looking for a fun gift for yourself or a clit-having friend, check out the Vesper necklace by Crave. It’s not only an elegant necklace, but a fully functioning vibrator. And it is my absolute favorite. I just wore it at a book signing event, and few of my dressier outfits feel complete without it. To get free engraving on your Crave vesper, head to lovecrave.com and use the code girlboner at checkout.
[acoustic chord riff]
Now I’m pleased to welcome Dr. Megan Fleming’s voice back for you all, with her Pleasure Pick for October.
[guitar strum]
[Hear Dr. Megan’s clip up above or by searching for Girl Boner Radio on your favorite podcast app! Or read her thoughts on her website here. Or save 30% on the Coral app here.]
[guitar strum]
Thanks so much, Dr. Megan. The Coral App sounds awesome.
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