Businesses of Sex! The “Cum Sponge” and Queer, Disability Content

“Businesses of Sex! The “Cum Sponge” and Queer, Disability Content”

a lightly edited Girl Boner Radio transcript

Frances:

Hi, my name is Frances, and my title is Captain Awkward. I am the founder and CEO of Awkward Essentials. 

Andrew:

Hi, my name is Andrew Gurza. I’m a queer, crippled content creator.

August (narration):

Both Frances and Andrew had very limited sex education as kids, like most of us. Now, they now do important work that sheds light on aspects that were missing. 

[acoustic chord riff]

First, Frances. I learned of her company, Awkward Essentials, when a friend texted me a TikTok video that had gone viral: “You have to see this,” she said. “The cum sponge.” That creation is definitely a far cry from anything Frances learned about early on.

Frances:

So growing up, I went to public school. And I specifically remember there’s one video, you know, like the VHS, like sex ed videos that they show us of these two girls, and they go on to sleep over, and then one of the girls gets her period for the first time. And the next morning during their sleepover, the mom draws out a uterus with pancake batter—I think it’s called like the pancake video—and is describing to the girls how everything works via pancake batter, and I’ve looked for it on YouTube multiple times, and I cannot find it. 

August (narration):

Frances isn’t the only one who has searched the web over for this video. There’s a Reddit thread called Searching for “pancake video” from 2017 and another on LostMediaWiki. 

Frances also recalls her mom taking her to the library to get sex-related books and resources for her, but no “sex talk.”

Frances:

I don’t think she really ever had the straightforward conversation. But she did want to make sure I had those resources. So it was kind of there but not that whole awkward conversation.

August (narration):

You could say Frances now specializes in such conversations, about topics that are often stigmatized and taboo.

The “cum sponge” my friend texted me about, the one that went viral on TikTok, is officially called the Dripstick. She never anticipated a career in the sexuality space, but life led her here.

She’s been on birth control for a long time, and doesn’t use any barrier methods with her husband during PIV (penis in vagina) sex. And she wasn’t finding the dripping that followed sex any fun. 

Frances:

After-sex cleanup was something that just bothered me personally. I know it doesn’t bother everyone, but for me, personally, I didn’t like it. And every single time I’d be sitting on the toilet, like wiping and wiping and wiping, I would think there’s got to be a solution for this. Because for me and my body, that after-sex stuff would stay inside. And then it would come out the next day or while I’m at work. And it kind of feels like your period, but it’s not your period, and you rush to the bathroom. 

[guitar strum]

August: 

As a personal side note, I remember years ago when someone I was dating rushed to the bathroom, usually several times, during sex—and at the time, I couldn’t figure out why. As it turned out, he was trying not to come too soon. I wish we had both known about Promescent.

If you or a partner has a penis and wants to make sex last longer, please check out their Climax Control Spray. This awesome, FDA-compliant product can keep an erection going without bringing numbness to your partner. Check it out at delayspray.com and save 15% on your first Promescent order— they also have fantastic aloe-based lube I am loving—with the promo code [mentioned in the episode]. Or save directly here.

[guitar strum]

Okay, back to Frances’s frustration with cum lasting too long inside of her. She found herself heading to Google often for a solution, and couldn’t really find anything, other than comment threads in the depths of Yahoo Answers or Reddit.

Frances:

And everyone would say, “Oh, I use a sacrificial sex towel, or I use baby wipes. I’m like, that’s great. But that’s for the outside. And for me, the issue is internal. So how can I remove everything internally so I can just not have to worry about it the next day?

August (narration):

That’s when another activity she enjoys came in: baking.

Frances:

I love baking. I’ve worked as a baker and when you use a rubber spatula to scrape cake batter out of a bowl, every time I do that, I would think, Wow, it would be incredible if I had a spatula for my vagina that I could just get everything out in one fell swoop. And so that was kind of the moment that sparked the idea.

August (narration):

She figured she wasn’t the only one feeling frustrated by after-sex clean up- 

Frances:

–but I couldn’t really find people talking about it. I mean, as we know sex in general, is so taboo. Like the pleasure aspect in itself is so taboo. This almost feels like it goes beyond that, right? It goes into the stuff we do in the bathroom and we just shut the door and you don’t see it. You don’t see people squeezing pores or picking chin hairs in movies or even in porn. And so this is kind of in that area. 

August (narration):

Which is why, once she created the product and launched the company, it made sense to call it Awkward Essentials: for things you might need, but not feel terribly comfortable talking about. 

Here’s how the the Dripstick works:

Frances:

So Dripstick is a medical grade sponge with a handle. I guess I have to note that the difference between Dripstick and a tampon is that a tampon is a really dense piece of cotton meant to absorb la lot of fluids over an extended period of time. 

So because Dripstick is a porous sponge. It can absorb things of a different viscosity more quickly. So the way it works is you grab the handle, you carefully insert it and give it a little twist, remove it and you’re good to go.

August (narration):

Because every body is different, Frances said folks find the best ways Dripstick works for them. Many people find that one does the trick. Others do better with two.

Frances:

Sometimes I kind of like, leave it in there and walk around or rinse off and then take it out. But it does absorb quickly and almost instantaneously, unlike something like a tampon.

August (narration):

Frances also recognizes that some people really like the feeling of cum lingering inside after sex or the next day. This product is for folks like her, who aren’t a fan.

When I told Frances that someone texted me the TikTok video that, at the time I saw it, had 2.9 million views, she wanted to know which video I was talking about. 

Frances:

Okay, I asked, because I think her last video might be at like 7 million views. That’s what I’m trying to figure out which one…

August (narration):

She scrolled through TikTok to find it.

Frances:

Oh… Oh my god. Actually, it’s at 20 million views.

August (narration):

That video features Anna, the company’s digital marketing manager, holding a Dripstick and basically saying “here’s what it is and I work here.” Ironically, Anna isn’t a huge fan of being in videos on social media.

Frances:

She’s just waving it in front of her face. It’s the same girl. She’s wearing a dark dress. There’s a blue sky in the background. 

TikTok is primarily a younger platform. We didn’t know if it would be a platform that works for us. And I remember when she made this video, we’re like, okay, why don’t we just put something out there? And it just blew up, like the notifications, the questions, just everything. And I mean, it was crazy, Our sales increased by like 1200%. And our traffic increased by 1200%. And we’re getting all these messages and DMs.
  

And so I think what’s interesting about this product is it’s something that I think people want to talk about. I think people want to talk about sex, they want to talk about shared experiences, but someone else has to open that door first. And so just anytime we go viral or there’s like a slew of press, it’s what happens. 

And the response is so fascinating because we get everything from incredible amounts of support to people who will privately message us and email us and say, like, “wow, I thought there was something wrong with me. Like, I didn’t realize that I wasn’t the only one,” to hate mail. So it’s all across the board, but for the most part, it’s incredibly positive.

August (narration):

Some of that positive feedback has been really moving. They’ve heard from people with physical disabilities affecting their hands, for example, who find that Dripstick helps them clean up with ease.

Frances:

It’s either that or it’s like you can’t just immediately get up and run to the bathroom. So that and then we have had a few folks that have gone through some sexual trauma that have essentially said that removing that feeling is helpful for them. It’s incredible. It’s not something that I even thought about when I first launched this. I just wanted to know if people would be into this idea because I know it’s very different. 

August (narration):

They’ve also heard from people who find that Dripstick helps ease worries around sex so they can have a better time.

Frances

…so the mental load of just worrying, right? Even me personally like thinking, Okay, if we do it in the morning, but I have a meeting or have to go to work or I’m sitting here I have errands to run or if I want to go running, if we do it in the morning and I want to go running this weekend, it’s going to be coming out. 

And so we get a lot of really interesting messages and emails from people who say that they’re having more sex because they don’t have to, like worry our plan in advance for these things they want to do. So it’s been incredibly rewarding.

[acoustic chord riff]

August (narration):

Andrew told me they remember very vividly watching a sex ed video and learning, “Here’s how you make a baby.”

Andrew:

And I remember thinking, but I’m definitely into boys. This does not apply to me. I understood the class is limited, but then you know, I didn’t see any representations of myself as a young, queer, disabled person.

August (narration):

The teacher gave the option of leaving class to do something else, and Andrew took it. 

Andrew:

The teacher’s saying I can go. Like sure, I’ll go do something else.

August (narration):

Looking back, Andrew said he wishes he had stood up for himself. They deserved to be there, and everyone in the classroom deserved more helpful education. 

Given the work Andrew has done through his adult years so far, it really seems like he’s making up for that. Starting out, though, they didn’t intend to go into the sexuality field or shed light on disability. Andrew said it wasn’t even on the radar. 

Andrew:

I went to school for law.

August (narration):

He saw the lawyers on TV, in “Law and Order.”

Andrew:

So I was like, I want to do that. That’s what I do.

August (narration):

But Andrew grew up in Canada and Canadian law is very different – based on a British model and not as dramatic or theatrical as what he assumed U.S. law would be. 

Andrew:

As I was kind of studying law, I also studied Disability Law within all that. And I was like, I like this… I did a master’s and a BA so I did, like 10 years of school. And I was like, I don’t want to do seven more years of school to do a PhD, and to maybe do something with it afterwards. That’s not my trajectory. 

And then I was like, well, I’ve always wanted to talk about queerness and disability, and I need to make some money, like I was done my schooling and I need to make some money, because no one’s gonna hire me. And I don’t want to live on disability supports my whole life. What do I do? 

And then I remembered my lecturers from my law classes, and they were like-

August:

Super persuasive, and he liked the way they walked around the room with the lecture slides and-

Andrew:

I can do that! 

August (narration):

So Andrew started putting together presentations about what it was like to be queer and disabled. And the catalyst wasn’t just him wanting to find a career. He also thought- 

Andrew:

– if I show myself like this, maybe all those gay men that wouldn’t pay attention to me when I was in school, will see me as important. And then also want to fuck me, basically. 

August (narration):

He wanted to be not only respected, but desired. 

Andrew:

Then maybe they’ll pay attention to me. And also I can make myself some money, too. So it wasn’t intentional at all, but it just sort of fell into my lap.

August (narration):

From there, Andrew delved into writing, for free blog sites, like HuffPo. And he liked it, because – 

Andrew:

It got my name in the door and people started didn’t read who I was. Even if they vehemently disagreed with my viewpoint, at least people like saw me and I was like, Oh, that’s cool. And I realized this can be a career for me. 

But then I was like, well, typing is really getting hard for me because my disability. It takes a lot of energy for me, a lot of spoons out of me, and I was like, well, what if I then turn these articles into a podcast?

August (narration):

Andrew did some research then, back in 2016, and realized there really wasn’t a podcast dedicated to disability and sexuality. Maybe an episode here and there-

Andrew:

-but there wasn’t a show that specifically focused on sex and disability and I said, Well, I can do that. I can buy a mic and I can talk words for half an hour and say some things and hope that it goes somewhere.

August (narration):

And has it ever. Andrew’s podcast, Disability After Dark: Shining a Bright Light on Disability, reaches some 10,000 listeners each month and was recently awarded a 2021 Canadian Podcast Award. He’s since branched out to explore a broad range of topics related to disability. 

He told me he loves hearing from people around the world who listen, and exploring whatever topic he’s interested in. One of his favorites is a series called, “What if you Became Disabled Tomorrow?” and it’s led to some fascinating conversations with porn stars.

Andrew:

And I’ve had people from all over the porn community asking like nondisabled porn stars like what would happen if you became a wheelchair user tomorrow? That’s really fun because then I get to talk to hot porn stars that I have wanted to talk to.

August (narration):

Andrew has also starred in porn himself. They told me they’ve wanted to perform in adult films since they first saw porn in his teens, and his body was not represented.

Andrew:

Where’s the wheelchair? Where’s disability? Where am I? I would sneak porn when I was a teenager. And all you would see is white, muscular able-bodied men sleeping with each other, which is fine and great. And it was great. But there’s more to it than that. We know that that’s a very myopic view of what male queer sexuality is. I want to see myself. I want to be just as horny as this guy on screen and I want to do this.

August (narration):

He was approached in 2019 by Davey Wavey, a Youtuber who also has a porn company, who he had worked with before as a consultant.  He wanted Andrew to recreate a porn from their site with a performer of his choice. Andrew said yes immediately and invited his sex worker, John, to appear with him. 

Andrew:

And then he came over and we did it in my bed. We showed my disability, how to get in and out of my chair to the bed to how to get undressed. We showed me making out with him in my wheelchair. We showed like really iconic, I think, visuals of like here’s how a disabled person sucks somebody. You should look at this.

August (narration):

Andrew said he doesn’t see it as porn, so much as an educational, explicit how-to. That was right before the pandemic started and he’s performed in one more, with a friend, recently. He hopes there are many more to come. (Pun embraced.)

Andrew:

It’s not something that I see as like a dirty or like scary thing. It’s something that’s so valuable because disabled bodies are not represented in this way. And we don’t see wheelchair users often having sex and I just think that, especially in queer, male spaces so dominated by a very white, very abled-body aesthetic. To see this is like, “Look, there’s something different out there. I, too, can give you pleasure. I, too, can be hot. Look at me do this for 20 minutes on camera. Watch.”

August (narration):

Andrew said that the biggest challenge in his work is dealing with cultural sex-negativity. We both have friends and colleagues who’ve been booted off Instagram or landed in Facebook jail for trying to educate or promote our work. Andrew’s also often frustrated by social media culture and how difficult he find it can be to speak freely for other reasons.

Andrew:

I think I’ll be really blunt. I think that social justice world is very polarizing. And I think I understand whether we all want to have a say in something. But I think the way we talk about someone expressing themselves can be really dangerous. I’m afraid to say a lot of stuff online, even though I do say a lot of stuff. I’m afraid to say a lot of stuff because I’m like Oh, what if like I get cancelled there? What if I hit the wrong note? Or what if somebody comes for me?

Working in this industry, especially trying to do it on social media as a freelancer, it’s hard because one day Instagram could be like, “Andrew, we’ve decided your account is, goes against this and this violation.” And it’s like, how do you do this if we can’t have platforms to do it on? So that’s frustrating.

August (narration):

Andrew also feels he has to prove himself more than the average person-

Andrew:

-because of my disability, and I have to be like, I have a space here.

August (narration):

They said it’s not uncommon for queer, able-bodied men on Instagram freely show their body, or a porn scene or being sexual – 

Andrew:

And they’ll get like 800 likes, 9 million retweets and it’s really hard. But if I did the same thing there’s crickets, and it’s like Oh, that’s really. I just did what you all did. Why don’t I get the same engagement? It can be really taxing. So sometimes I like to like take a little social media break and not worry about the numbers.

[relaxing music]

August (narration):

But he keeps going, because there’s a lot to love about the work, too. 

Andrew:

I love that I work for myself. I’m my own boss. I also live with not only cerebral palsy and I’m a wheelchair user, I also live with IBS and chronic pain from IBS. So I’m in pain even as we’re doing this now. I’m smiling and it’s great and I love to be here but like I’m hurting and I’m dealing with it and you put a smile on and you do your job and you go. 

But I love that if I’m having a day where I’m just like I don’t want to do any of this, like fuck it today, I can say, “Nope. Everything’s canceled. Like we’re done.” And in a nine to five, I can’t do that. I also love that I get to just tell the truth, or my truth anyway, about disability and queerness and sexuality and be like this is what it is. 

August (narration):

Pretty often, someone will approach Andrew and say, “Oh I read your tweet and-“

Andrew:

“I felt comfy. I felt safe. I felt good to be around you.” Like that’s cool.

[acoustic chord riff]

August (narration):

Find Andrew’s podcast, Disability After Dark, wherever you’re listening now and hire them to speak through andrewgurza.com. You can also follow his hot takes on disability at @andrewgurza_ on Instagram and Twitter.

Learn more about Dripstick at awkwardessentials.com or on social media: @awkwardessentials. Frances and her team also run a private Facebook group called Awk Talk, where folks can talk and ask questions and bring up “things that happen in the bathroom and we don’t tell anyone about.”

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You can also show some love by rating and reviewing the show and letting your friends know about it. Thanks so much for listening and have a beautiful, Girl Boner-embracing week.

[andrew’s story]

And come hang out with me, in my private community at patreon.com/girlboner. I would love to be able to build my team and create even more content for you all, and every patron helps me move toward that goal. You can also support the show with a rating and review and by sharing links to your favorite episodes on social media.

Thanks so much for listening and have a beautiful, Girl Boner-embracing week. 

[outro music that makes you wanna dance…]