Sex-Positive Parenting, Fetish Play and Sexual Liberation with Jet Setting Jasmine

August (narration):

Jasmine told me she grew up learning that sex is bad and something to be ashamed of. Something you sort of stumble upon on your own and that leads to pregnancy and disease. Really no focus on pleasure. And these messages played out in all sorts of ways.

Jasmine:

In my household it was my mother and my three sisters, so four girls. It was just some small things, like privacy. That was not allowed in our household. If you were taking too long in the bathroom, the door closed by accident or something, it was always like, “What are you doing in there?” It was already suggesting that we were doing something wrong with being alone with ourselves. It really does shape being able to pleasure self, spend time with self, being okay with being alone. A lot of our own personal and self-exploration really does set the roadmap for how we interact with others in our interpersonal relationships, you know?

One thing that I recall—it makes me laugh because now I actually use music to help have conversations with my children—I was seven or eight and I was singing Rick James’ song, “Super Freak.” [R&B music in the background] It was a popular song at the time, and I was in the car, and I was just like, “She’s a super freak!” And I just got whacked, right across my face: “Don’t say that word! What is wrong with you?” 

And whenever we ask someone what is wrong with them, we are suggesting that something is wrong. Whether you believe it or not, someone else has identified that something is wrong with you. And at that age, I didn’t know what I was saying. You’re the adult playing the music, right? How about you slap yourself for playing inappropriate music? And if I had memorized it, that means I had heard it many of times. 

Instead of taking those opportunities—and I think I presented, as a child, many opportunities for my curiosity to be addressed—for the pace at which I was interested in exploring any and everything to really be touched upon, it was met with resistance, it was met with punishment, it was met with shame. And as I’ve gotten older, I realized that these are just generational traumas passed down. These were also unexplored attitudes and behaviors of the adults in my family. It’s just like unresolved trauma keeps on growing. It’s the best place for it. Just go ahead and put it into the next portal of children and carry it on. And we see that in our culture. That’s how we developed culture.

[a few bars of R&B music]

August (narration):

It didn’t take Jasmine long to start to challenge the harmful ideas about sex she was learning, or at least find ways around them.

Jasmine:  

Well, there became that, just like everything: Oh, they don’t want me to do that? Why? Or like, oh, that’s for adults. Huh, interesting. I want to be an adult one day, right? Maybe I can start practicing now. 

So, some early things that I remember is using furniture to masturbate. I was told it’s nasty to put your hands down there. I shouldn’t be touching myself. Fine. This couch will do. And the thought of okay, if you’re not explaining to me, in context, why masturbation is wrong, and you’re just saying, don’t put your hands down there, it’s dirty or disgusting or any of those really terrible words that were used to describe my genitals, fine. I won’t. I’ll do what you asked me to do. But I still have this like craving and this yearning in my body. So how can I do this without compromising your request of my body? So, I found objects to rub up on and remains like a favorite pastime of mine, is hands-free orgasm.

August:  

So fun, right? The best stress relief.

Jasmine:

Really it is, right, and so creative, too. Other things about pushing back: I remember starting to play house and doctor and things like that and really being the one initiating those games with other children; kind of like if I have to be an adult to feel this kind of closeness or whatever this thing is in me, then let’s pretend to be adults, because then you’re playing. You play cooking, and that’s okay. So maybe we can play kissing, too. 

Just really taking things that were used to shame sex and trying to find a loophole. And I think we know we all do that, where it’s oh, that’s nasty, but I only do this. It’s like that kind of whore-archy; that’s what I like to call it.

August:  

That’s really powerful. We find a way.

Jasmine:  

We find a way. Because it’s natural. There are other things that I can remember like let’s say the stove is hot. Don’t touch it. Fine. I won’t touch it. I don’t really have this natural yearning, an urge to be burned by fire. But when it comes to our expression around sex and sexuality there is a very deep yearning and it happens so young and so naturally. I just sometimes feel sad. What would that have been like to be able to explore those things within myself without having something or someone putting an unnatural pause to that development?

[a few bars of R&B music]

August (narration):  

Those curiosities and experiences around sexuality Jasmine had early on continue to influence not only her personal journey, but her career path—especially in sex work—tremendously. 

Jasmine:  

My entire journey as a sex worker has been about my own exploration, my uninterrupted exploration around sex. I started this not as like I’m an expert on sex. I want to be an expert on myself, and you can watch me take this journey, if you would like. And 200,000 people decided, “Yeah! We’re with it! We’ll take the journey with you.”

So yeah, all of this is being able to not even re-learn just unlearn some of the stigma that’s attached to sex and sexuality, the socialization that has been placed on me as a woman, as a woman of color, as a woman of color in my household as the youngest child—all of these intersections—and being able to unlearn those things and re-learn them through my own paradigm, what I value, what my sexual values are. Then also just being able to serve, giving people permission to do the same, to give them a different voice of saying, “Oh, no, your hands are perfectly okay to use. There’s been no evidence of blindness. There’s not even evidence that your family won’t love you, any more.”

Even helping them look at some of the horrendous things that have happened in their family and how their family has been resilient, forgiving, loving, moving on. We’re just talking about you spending private time with yourself in your own apartment. When we start putting things in context and setting people set free, it’s really me offering what I would have liked growing up so it definitely has an impact.

August (narration):  

Jasmine also works with couples in exploring fetishes, which is another often stigmatized topic. Some sex educators define “fetish” as something you need in order to experience arousal or orgasm. Jasmine uses a much broader definition that really encompasses anything that especially turns you on.

Jasmine:  

The easiest way that I explain it is, what is something that you enjoy outside of getting pregnant or getting someone pregnant? And people are like, “oh my gosh, all kinds of things.” I’m like, boom, boom, boom! There’s your fetish! That’s it. It really is in getting sexual arousal from something without the intention of procreation. It is this focus on sexual arousal, usually by an object or  from something, without the intention of procreation. That’s all of our sex.

You’re already doing it right, whatever that thing is. So, when I say to someone—let’s just use an example—a straight, white man: “I don’t know anything about fetishism. I just like my sex like, meat and potatoes.” Plain, right? No side. Or “she’s got a great set of tits” or something like that. I’m like, “That’s it! Are you a breast man? Do breasts turn you on? What type of breast turn you on? When do you get the most aroused by them? What do you like them to do to you? What do you like to do to them?” And I’m like, “we’ve sat here and completely defined what your fetish is and now we can talk about other ways to explore it. When you think of breasts, what else do you think of? What are the possibilities with breasts for you?”

And then we’re no longer talking about this creepy person who has a fetish that’s like in a white van exposing themselves to people. We’re talking about consensual, thoughtful, ethical ways of approaching things that turn you on. 

August (narration):  

In an article in the publication EBONY, someone who worked with Jasmine in fetish training described it as a deeply healing practice. After a year of working with Jasmine, who she called “JSJ,” for Jet Setting Jasmine, the writer, Glamazon Tyomi, said she’d not only learned all about disparities in representation of people of color with BDSM, but “witnessed the healing power that can come along with fetish play when led by the right teachers.”

When you’re in a kink community that embraces fetish play and consent and everyone’s emotional wellbeing, these spaces can be healing, too. Research has shown that kink and BDSM play, such as bondage, role playing and sadomasochism and consensual non-consent—where you basically mimic an act in which one person has total control over the other that’s agreed on in advance—can contribute to healing, interpersonal connectedness, and emotional resilience in trauma survivors. A planned “attack” for example, in which you determine the outcome and rest easy in your safety, has helped some folks heal from repercussions of sexual assault, where none of that autonomy existed. During the pandemic in particular, some folks are engaging more invirutal kink and fetish play spaces, through apps and websites.

Jasmine doesn’t see these forms of play and expression as a primary treatment for trauma. She pointed out that traumatic experiences should be processed with a professional in a professional environment whenever possible.

Jasmine:  

That being said, you’re not with your therapist 24/7, right? And you actually have to learn how to use what you’re doing in therapy in safe spaces. And it can be really challenging to find a safe space. I have found a lot of very, very cool places to explore sex and sexuality in the kink world or with people that consider themselves or identify as kinky. The reason why is because there’s a little bit of a protocol around kink and fetish spaces that aren’t in our normal dating spaces. 

August (narration):

And it’s important to make sure a venue that has those protocols, because these spaces can vary a lot from other settings. 

Jasmine:  

So, let’s say at a nightclub, where I used to hang out at quite a bit, it was sort of the culture for someone to come up and pat your butt or just start dancing with you because they like the way you look. Or someone can get really, really drunk or on some type of substance and you kind of like, “oh, that person’s really drunk. Can you help get this guy off me?” It became our culture that we accepted. And those are unsafe places for people who are oftentimes triggered by other people having autonomy of their body or just feeling unsafe and out of control, especially in a sexually charged environment. 

August (narration): 

In safe kink spaces, on the other hand, Jasmine said the rules are on the wall. And there’s a dungeon master making sure that everyone abides by them. A lot of negotiation takes place, and you’re welcome to be a voyeur. If someone invites you to engage and you’d rather just watch, you can say that: “No, thank you, I’m here to watch.”  And special attention is placed on consent and safety in all areas, including before, during and after types of play. All of this makes way not only for comfort and fun, but for healing.

Jasmine:

I have found that people who have lost their voice due to sexual assault, or even a socialization of our sex and sexuality, can find their voice again in kink spaces. Because to play with me, I’m going to ask you a lot of questions. And I’m going to need you to articulate back to me what you like, what you don’t like, what you want more of, what you want less of and that’s really empowering. We don’t get that in our kind of vanilla engagements. 

So, I definitely encourage my clients to explore kink spaces to be able to hear their voice where it’s accepted, encouraged—it’s almost required. And then also to use sex work, like cam models, to practice saying some of the things that have been difficult for you to say to others when they’re right there in your face. I see the use of kink to be tremendous. And it can really get into places that therapists and doctors can’t; like we should not be spanking our clients, right? I’m pretty sure it’s in the code of ethics, right? 

But to be able to offer a safe environment and a resource to your client and help them understand this is what it should look like. And in this space, you should be able to experience these things. And if you want to stop, it’s part of the culture to be able to say no thank you and stop, which is not a part of our larger society’s culture.

[a few bars of music]

August:

So many parents struggle, as you mentioned. There’s the intergenerational passing down of harmful messages and on your Instagram you have this phrase that I think is so powerful that we never hear, which is porn and parenting. And I imagine that brings up a lot of feelings from people.

Jasmine:  

So porn and parenting is a really salacious way to say sex positive parenting but it got your attention so definitely running with that hashtag. It’s so interesting that it even got dejected from Instagram. Our original account got shut down just from the name of the title, as if the two words can’t go together, which is incredibly telling in itself. Because when do people access porn way early? The average age right now is nine years old. And I would go ahead and imagine that that has probably lowered when we are in this space right now where our kids are on their devices all the time now so there’s no break at school. Everything is on the device, right? And so we’re being sold sex constantly. 

You can’t go on Facebook without something leading you—at some point, you’ll end up with a cam model. If you let your fingers just keep clicking, you will eventually end up in a seedy space. So, when children access porn, or porn is being used to either entertain or educate our children whether we are involved or not, like a kid sending a clip to another kid or being on tik tok and that type of thing, whose responsibility is it to contextualize that, provide education, provide understanding. It’s the parent so that’s kind of where porn and parents. On top of the fact that our experiences as parents—my partner King Noire and I are both adult entertainers—and we get a lot of questions like aren’t you scared your kids are gonna be like you? I’m like, I’m a pretty cool person. 

August:  

It’s incredible how we don’t—I’m speaking as a culture—see the insult there. We just go, of course you think that’s horrible. How could you pass that onto your kids?

Jasmine:  

Right? And it’s really interesting, because well, no, I don’t want my children to be like me; I want them to be better versions of me. So, when people say aren’t you afraid your kid’s gonna get into the porn industry? I’m like, no, actually, if my child gets into the porn industry, she’s gonna do so freakin’ well because I’m not hiding anything from her. And I’m certainly going to be there to support. And I’m not ashamed of what I do. That on top of the fact that how often do kids want to be just like their parents, anyways? 

Okay, if my kid is just like me, then maybe they’re going to be a therapist. That’s fine. Maybe they’re going to be a sex educator. That’s cool, too. But people always wonder, how are you a porn star and a parent? And so we just decided we’ll show you. We will show you how. And so on that page, it’s so boring, in my opinion, because it’s literally us just being a family. You’re never going to see us shooting a scene and our kids there. That’s inappropriate. So that thing that your mind takes you to—oh, god, their house must be…or the kids must run amok—no, I’m sorry to disappoint you but it looks just like your household with an exception of we’re not shaming our children in advance of them determining what their sexual orientation or preferences are. 

We’re not allowing the internet to provide education to our children around sex and sexuality. We are modeling positive behavior, healthy and safe practices in our household. 

August (narration):  

Jasmine and her partner, King, have been traveling the world, speaking about sex-positive parenting and ways anyone can start implementing it at any time. 

Jasmine:  

A sex-positive parent doesn’t say, in the shower, “Don’t touch yourself down there… That’s dirty.” Same example that I gave you about my childhood. We say, “Oh, here’s some soap.You can clean your whole body.” “Oh, you want to clean your penis right now? Good job cleaning your penis. Don’t forget your butt.” Or when I’m showering with him and he looks up, and he goes, “Where’s yours? It’s broken. When are you going to clean it?,” right? 

August (narration):

That’s when Jasmine will say, “Oh, you’re looking at my vulva.”

Jasmine:

“Mommy’s gonna clean herself and you clean your body.”

So we’re not making these weird nicknames for it. We are normalizing the human body and the functions of it. We are giving him privacy as much as one can in the shower or the tub to explore his body. It’s his. If he’s pulling his Pamper down in the middle of the living room at my mom’s house, I don’t go, “What is wrong with you? Why would you do that?” I say “Oh, do you need to go to the bathroom? Because we keep our pants on when we’re in the living room.”

August (narration):

Jasmine and King also instilled something they called “no-no zones,” from very early on—something that’s proven very helpful along the way, including currently with her 16-year-old, who she said is very particular about how she’s touched. 

Jasmine:

Wherever your no-no zone is, I will respect that. I will not touch it, unless it is a life-threatening emergency. That means we respect that zone. That means if your parents, your siblings can respect that and you can create boundaries for your body growing up, you’re going to be so prepared to create boundaries for your body out and about. And how many times have we, as adult women and whoever’s listening, been in a compromising situation where we didn’t like the way something felt or we didn’t really want to be touched like that, right there for that long, and we don’t say anything.

And so we are giving them the tools to be able to assert themselves and actually experience what autonomy feels and looks like from the tender age… Even with the two-year-old when we’re tickling him or cuddling him and he’s going like, “no, no.” That’s a no! That’s consent, you know? 

August (narration):

One thing I love about Jasmine’s family is the way you can see how those lessons and practices she and her partner instill from early on are playing out in young adulthood. The two-year-old is learning about consent, and their 20-year-old, who once was her own version of that toddler, is now asserting her wants and needs. Staking claim to that autonomy Jasmine mentioned. One example? She recently moved out.

Jasmine:

At the beginning of the pandemic, she was like I’m not gonna be stuck in a house with you all. And it was definitely like if it’s the end of the world, I’m trying to end it with a little independence. Yeah, she moved out. She’s just like a five-minute walk away but she has her own apartment. And part of that sex-positive parenting is knowing that her partner is there. And we’ll be taking a walk and my partner will go, “Let’s go check in on them.” And I’m like, “No, let’s call first.” So giving again that privacy, that autonomy, that empowerment to express yourself in your space, however you would like to. 

August (narration):

I love that so much. And as a side note, I think it’s such a beautiful sign of respect to call or text ahead before showing up at anyone’s door—well, especially now, during the pandemic. I remember when my partner, who literally lived next door, would text me to check in before just showing up. I find that awesome. It showed me how much that had been missing with other people.

Sex-positive parenting also means talking about sex-specific topics when they come up, or ought to come up. Jasmine’s daughter living with her boyfriend has prompted that.

Jasmine:

Talking to her about, very casually: “Are you exploring different birth controls now that you and your partner are going to be like, day in and day out, in each other’s space? What is this going to look like for you?” And we’re having conversations like, “Yeah, I don’t want to remember to take birth control every single day or now that we’re probably going to be hooking up more often, I probably should have something that’s a little bit more likely to cover me.”

Even having a conversation about politics and saying, “Hey, things are shifting in our country. You may want to start thinking about family planning a little bit differently because if your birth control doesn’t work and you’re not ready to plan a family, options may be limited nowadays.” And so this is where we’re helping our children make decisions for themselves in an informed way. And if they have questions with what’s out there, you’ve already opened the door to be available to support them. That’s what porn and parenting is about.

August (narration):  

Jasmine also speaks a great deal within her work about social liberation and social justice in the context of sexual empowerment. So I asked her to share a bit about that interplay and why she values exploring both topics together.

Jasmine:  

So when we think specifically about black and brown bodies in this country, I can definitely expand it to colonization across the world, but we are on a podcast that has but so much time, so we can keep it centered to our country. 

Our bodies have not been our own. You know, being a part of the largest human trafficking system that that has occurred in our history and understanding that that has generational and even current date implications on how we explore, how we see ourselves, how we see ourselves represented. When I asked white counterparts about their first experience around sex and sexuality, oftentimes, taking away traumatic experiences or just kind of talking about some kind of really lay on the surface conversations, it is having space to explore or seeing themselves represented in a film that maybe was a little too mature for their age but they were able to see themselves in a beautiful way. Like, oh, I saw porn and the lady looks so beautiful and was being upheld or whatever. 

When I ask people of color about seeing themselves represented sexually it is really frightening. The objectification, the perpetuation of negative stereotypes, the being only seen as the aggressor, being seen as completely objectified by body part or what that body part can do. So, the big black cock or big asses and all of those kinds of things, which, yeah, definitely some people are well endowed in lots of areas but we’re not a monolith of people. I can type in Ebony porn right now and I’m going to see a lot of the same body type objectified as what’s glorified for Ebony bodies. That is going to have a huge impact on how I see my smaller frame, how I see my stretch marks, of what I can do with my butt and can’t do with it. That has a huge impact on how I see what possibilities are available for my body. 

So, when we’ve been living under these negative stereotypes—and also the fetishize version of our bodies, big black cock is coming to sully your white wife—these things play out in our interpersonal relationships. So talking about the impact of imagery and representation in our sexual literature, our sexual entertainment, and how it has a direct impact on when I date. Let’s just say if I go on Tinder, I can guarantee you out of like 10 hits, five of them are going to say something about my black skin or wanting to see my booty twerk. I’m 40 years old, I don’t know how to twerk. I know how to pop and shake it. But even like, I don’t have a big black cock; will you still talk to me? 

Those ideas really do permeate our day-to-day experience in this world. And so challenging and stepping back and saying we’re still subscribing to our oppressors’ ideas of our bodies; we are still subscribing to our oppressors’ views of what is beautiful, what is acceptable, what is expected. And it hurts us if we don’t shift the lens. So being able to talk to black men about what it’s like to be a submissive internally but every single person that you meet wants you to pick them up and throw them against the wall and have some consensual/non-consensual rape scene.

August:  

That breaks my heart to just think about that and to think about a black man having this expectation because we already have this obsession with penis size in our culture, right? And like the worst insult you can give to like a cis man is that he has a small penis, which is horrible. And then you add this very racist fetishization around that. To have to carry that and also to have not been given the freedom to emotionally process and be sensitive about it sounds just very complicated.

Jasmine:  

Absolutely. It really is. I mean, even for black women and this idea of being over sexualized, right, and always ready and good for nothing but making babies. These tropes, we’re surrounded with them. And then having a dry spell as a woman. Literally, I don’t want to have sex all the time and then going is something wrong with me? Am I good enough? Maybe I’m disappointing my partner. No, you’re just being human; you’re literally stressed to the max. Of course, you don’t want sex right now. 

So yeah, having these conversations and being really open about showing these different types of sexual representations within my life and helping people explore these options that are available to them has been very liberating. And when you are starting with any liberation within self, it makes it a lot easier for you to start to see injustices outside of yourself. It certainly empowers you to be able to speak up and take as many other people on your journey with you. So that’s kind of my method to my madness. If I can set one person free within themselves, then it’ll have a ripple effect for all of us.

August (narration):  

Those ripples take many forms, and sometimes Jasmine hears all about them. She told me that in the 10 years she and King have been working together in this capacity, she finds the longevity of relationships they’ve built over time the most fulfilling. She’s witnessed so much personal evolution, including this example:

Jasmine:  

So when I used to host these parties, sex toy parties, I can remember one woman being like, “Oh my god, I don’t know if I can put this inside of me.” Fast forward 10 years she’s like, “I’m really thinking about which dungeon I can get into during this.” “Look, dungeons are closed right now we need to explore how to socially distance BDSM. Remember that toy you bought 10 years ago? Let’s just re up on the batteries.”

[buzz + soft moan]

August (narration):  

Jasmine also told me about a straight, Black man she works with who sought support because he wanted to be submissive sexually, but struggled with expectations to be the opposite and being approached in aggressive ways. After working together for a time, he shared another desire. 

Jasmine:

He wanted to do something that was very bold and outside of his body. And he asked if he could be featured in one of our films. And he was. He was featured as a male submissive in the film. We worked within his limits, and I’ve been able to share with him the responses that that film has received, saying It was so nice to see a Black man as a submissive without him being degraded by his race, without him being humiliated related to his penis size. All of these different things that sometimes we get into our head. If I do this, then they’re gonna want me to do this or again, those expectations. And so sharing this is how people are responding to you living in your truth and seeing that empower him—these are beautiful stories that just encourage me to try more things.

August (narration):  

If you’d like to deepen your own evolution and feel freer in your sexuality, Jasmine shared this advice:

Jasmine:  

The beginning of this conversation I thought that that was incredibly important talking about shame. And I know that that is so, so common. So, if I had to leave the listeners with something that you could actually do right now that is going to be toward your sexual liberation, it would be to identify what makes you feel shameful and think about where those messages came from. Think about who, specifically, when you hear that voice, who do you picture? Is it your pastor? Is it your mother? Is it, you know, the bully down the block? Who is it? And then give that back to them. Just give it back to them: That’s your shame. That’s actually not mine. I really don’t feel that way now. Thirty years later. I actually realize that has nothing to do with me.

So just think about where you can give these messages back to. Also take a look and see where those people are with respect to their life. What I have found is looking at some of the people who gave me, whether it was their best intention or not, they gave me some really, really shitty advice or shitty feelings about myself. And I look and I go, oh my goodness, you took your own advice and you’re so unhappy. You took your own advice and you’re alone. I’m going to go ahead and disconnect from that because the person that put that shame upon me is not doing well either and that is what my future will be if I continue to allow that shame to consume me. 

I’m not saying you have to contact them and curse them out. Just literally give them their message back because it no longer serves you. We can give shame back because, nine times out of 10, it’s not ours to begin with.

August (narration):

Learn more about Jasmine and her work at jetsettingjasmine.com. That’s the Safe-For-Work site where you can learn about her therapy work, radio show and sex-positive parenting . Find her triple X content, including explicit photos and videos, at royalfetishxxx.com. 

For this week’s listener segment, I asked Dr. Megan Fleming to weigh in on a suggested topic someone shared in my year-end survey:  How to improve the sexual life of a couple when they are a wonderful match – except in bed. Hear that segment or this full episode up above or on your favorite podcast app!

I’ll include questions related to these topics in my next survey on Patreon, so if you have thoughts or questions you’d like to add to future conversations about any of this, please join the community at patreon.com/girlboner. For as little as a few bucks a month, you can get access to the private feed that includes fun rewards such as episode outtakes, pleasure guides to download that pair with certain episodes, behind the scenes fun and more.

Thanks so much for listening (or reading!) and have a beautiful, Girl Boner embracing week.