Why resolve to something diminishing when you can set your sights on something more fun? Dr. Sakshi Tickoo weighs in for Girl Boner Radio listeners.
Stream the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, iHeartRadio or below! Or read on for a lightly edited transcript.
“Sex Aspirations for the New Year with Dr. Sakshi Tickoo”
A lightly edited Girl Boner Radio transcript
Sakshi:
So my name is Dr. Sakshi Tickoo. My pronouns are she/her. I’m a queer, Brown, chronically disabled occupational therapist and a sexuality counselor who’s based in Mumbai, India.
August (narration):
Growing up, Sakshi’s sex education basically boiled down to one word, she said: nothing.
Sakshi:
If I sort of put all of that into perspective, it was very focused about not doing things. How am I not supposed to be? What am I not supposed to talk about? What sort of touch is bad? So everything was more about “nos” and creating boundaries which kept people away.
August (narration):
That made for an overwhelming experience, from adolescence into early adulthood, as she tried to navigate sexuality and relationships.
Sakshi now works with people from around the world, and she’s found that many cultures have the exact same barriers. You’re not supposed to discuss sex with your parents –
Sakshi:
Peer pressure is the worst, they suck. They have the worst advice. And everywhere around us to information that actually talks about bodies that are not abled, or they aren’t fair. Are perfect, or blemish free, wrinkle free, basically spotless.
August (narration):
Those limiting messages about keeping people away, she said, play out in the ways she creates relationships today. It’s something she has to continually work to change.
Sakshi:
There’s so much unlearning. So much.
August (narration):
Having to keep people away in relationships is an especially confusing message when you’re like Sakshi. She told me she loves people. It’s why she knew she wanted to work in healthcare.
Sakshi:
With God’s grace, I have a very good set of genes, which gave me a good combination of brain and heart. So that sort of worked out for me.
August (narration):
Midway into her schooling, she decided to focus on occupational therapy, something she sort of found by coincidence. She said it found her. And it turned out to be a seamless fit for the work she does today. She described realizing that she could have an entire career around sex and sexuality as a total game changer.
Sakshi:
That was one of the most Eureka moments that happened in my mind. And that has led to everything that I have done today. Everything that I say or even get the opportunity to come here meet to discuss all things sex and sexuality. So I think that that truly marked the beginning of my journey.
August (narration):
It is impossible to talk to Sakshi without feeling her passion for these topics. When she talks about sexuality, she glows.
After we spoke, it struck me how much she does the exact opposite of those harmful messages about keeping people away. When I told her how important her work is, she immediately replied, “And yours! This is our work, together. We are changing the world.”
August:
You have a real passion for this. Don’t you?
Sakshi:
Don’t you see me blushing, smiling, sparkling? It’s the same.
August (narration):
She pointed at my cheeks there—again, unity. Sameness. But, I am pretty sure a lot of my sparkle came from just listening to her.
That spark of hers is one reason I knew she would be perfect for exploring sex resolutions for the new year. The word “resolution” always feels a bit off to me, given that, at least here in the U.S., it’s often associated with harmful restriction. So many resolutions have to do with shame and dislike—becoming less of ourselves. In this episode, our last Girl Boner episode of the year, I want to celebrate ways we can become and experience more.
As we move into the year’s end and look to the future, it is a good time for reflection, considering what we’re grateful for and perhaps anything we’d like to add to our lives—for nourishment, growth and, ideally, pleasure.
A few weeks ago, in a survey I sent out to my email list, I asked listeners to share any sex goals they have in mind or might want to consider.
Before we get to those, I would love for us all to consider one that Sakshi recommended and I absolutely love: creating a pleasure toolkit.
Sakshi:
…which basically is your comfort space. All good things that help you connect with yourself, bring you joy, help you feel calm, grounded, relaxed, any comfort emotion that you always look for.
August (narration):
The whole idea is to combine all of the senses –
Sakshi:
– and try to use as much sensation that brings you a little bit, if not a lot, of joy.
This can be aromatherapy for some, just lighting up scented candles, choosing a favorite track, lying under the blanket, sipping a coffee or a beverage that you love. And if you want to close your eyes, if you find it too overwhelming, dim the lights, sort of be with your favorite unicorn blanket. That’s something that I’m talking about. But again, it’s about creating that multi-sensory experience that basically helps you calm and ground yourself.
August (narration):
If you want to make these experiences more spicy or sensual, she suggests taking further steps. You could dress in a way that feels calming or sensual, for example, whether that’s your favorite fuzzy sweats or sexy lingerie. And think about ways to bring pleasurable sensations to your body.
Sakshi:
Take a warm bath or or have a spa time with themselves. Go ahead, pay attention to any part of the body that they think needs to be paid attention on. This can be with massaging, actually using a vibrator or a massager to just relax the muscles, ease the pain.
August (narration):
It’s really simple, she said, and something you can keep on hand for days difficult and bright. And as time goes on, you can make additions.
Sakshi:
You will listen to a track that actually resonates with you, a sound that resonates with you and aroma that resonates with you, a sensation that resonates with you. Keep it. Add it to the library. It’s literally creating an erotic library for your yourself.
August (narration):
One you can turn to, especially when you feel vulnerable. She described it as sensuality in its “most raw and purest form.”
Sakshi:
You’re just working with yourself, and actually embracing the lows, highs, mids, anything that you are feeling right now. And that’s one of the most beautiful ways to move forward. If anyone wants to work, sensually or pleasure ways, and sort of should be aspiring for, I think.
August:
That’s so powerful. And one thing I love about it is that it’s not this one time thing. You’re talking about cultivating a toolbox and a practice.
Sakshi:
Yes! Absolutely. Isn’t that what it is? It’s a skill. It’s an art, when we talk about sex, when we talk about toys. If if we can update our fashion regularly, if we can update our technology regularly, why aren’t we updating our sexual practice regularly? It’s as simple as that. And so that need that needs to happen that needs to happen more often it should be a part of the routine.
And it’s interconnected to so many things. Because like I said, even when we’re talking about sensuality, it’s about literally every part of the body. It’s about muscles. It’s about sensation. It’s about our nervous system. It’s about our digestive health. It’s about our pelvic floor. It’s literally about everything, each and every system being regulated, co- regulated, interconnected and sort of delivering an outcome.
It’s a very polarized view that everything related to sex will be sexual, which which isn’t true. We all know that.
August (narration):
Okay, so onto the Spicy Desires and Curiosities survey I mentioned, where I asked folks about any sex goals they might set. I received so many responses. The first one I shared with Sakshi, she wasn’t a fan of.
August:
Okay, so one that came up a couple times was having sex more often. What do you think about that goal?
Sakshi:
I don’t like that as a goal. [laughs] I mean, I don’t like it. I mean, are you talking about frequency, or are you talking about quality?
August (narration):
Because those are two very different things. I completely hear that.
August:
Let’s see, somebody else said they want to learn about rope tying and being tied up. And another person said they want to learn about BDSM.
Sakshi:
I think this is beautiful. When they talk about learning, I actually love it.
When I started this year, my intention was to learn more about my cultural practices, which is Taoism and tantric sex, because I always found it to be a little bit more ridiculous. Because mindfulness personally does not work for me. But as a professional, I cannot have that view, right? I need to acquire these skills and learn a little bit of everything.
It’s so beautiful that when I started changing that mindset, and I stepped into the learning mindset, and being a little bit just a little bit more flexible, I was able to pick up some really great things from tantric sex and Taoism.
August (narration):
She learned about pleasure mapping, for example, where you explore different parts of your body and map out erogenous zones.
Sakshi:
One of the most beautiful things that I learned was about breath work. And I do absolutely love it.
August (narration):
As she was studying Taoism, she also came across shibari practices. You tie a person up for aesthetic purposes, maybe using an intricate or pretty pattern. Historically, it’s been used for relaxation, meditation, and building trust. During sex, it can provide the sultry sensation of restriction while heightening intimacy.
When Sakshi came upon it, she thought, I don’t desire that. It doesn’t arouse me. But that’s just fine. We don’t need to be into everything we learn about or try. Sometimes it’s the exploring and learning that turns out to be the most interesting and helpful anyway.
Take for example the BDSM community. That provides chances to consider all different types of play, and to communicate with others about your desires, something Sakshi is pretty gobsmacked about.
She saw a lot of it recently during a workshop, where she collaborated with a chronic disabled sex educator and a rope educator.
Sakshi:
I was there just to provide my medical guidance as to how to make it as safe as possible for all bodies. And it was one of the best things that I think I’ve done this year. Because it was such a great, great experience for me to learn as a professional, but also as a person as to what it really means to use rope? What does it really mean to practice BDSM? And what does learning mean? Because in that space, partners came together to explore and communicate, which was so beautiful, which was so beautiful for me to witness at that workshop.
I love the aspirations and goals which talk about learning and exploring because it’s such a positive mindset. I absolutely love those.
August (narration):
Another theme that came up in people’s responses was communication, which I loved seeing. A few shared that they want to get better at communicating their desires. A couple said they want to learn how to talk comforttably about sex in general. If that appeals to you, consider Sakshi’s top sex communciation tips.
Sakshi:
I think choosing a place and a time that’s nonsexual is a good place to start.
And framing questions or framing sentences or approaching your partners in a way that speaks about your desires instead of commanding them.
August (narration):
So, for example, rather than saying to a partner, “We need to try rope play.” Or worse, “Our sex life is boring, so I got us this rope to try.” You could take Sakshi’s advice and say:
Sakshi:
“Hey, I looked up rope work or rope workshop recently, it fascinated me. Do you think you would be interested in giving this a try?”
August (narration):
Asking these exploratory questions, from a place of genuine desire and curiosity, provides a space to talk about your desires while respecting your partner’s choices and their desires.
Sakshi:
And that’s really important because in a solo adventure, in a solo experience, I am the ruler. You are the one who can go ahead, stop, pause. You are your own boss. But when you are with another person, you are trying to co create an experience, which has to be good, if not the best for both of you, or all of you.
Beforehand communication, if it’s done in a more respectable tone, in a way that reflects authenticity, in a way where a person feels validated and seen, creates a very good dawn for the sexual experiences and sexual communication that comes forth. Because you know, you are respected. You are seen.
August (narration):
If you’re concerned about these conversations feeling awkward, Sakshi said, well, “Yes. They are.”
Sakshi:
Acknowledge it. What’s so wrong with having awkward conversations? I mean, remember the last time you asked your partner, “Where is this relationship going? Are we supposed to be girlfriend and boyfriend? Are we going to have a baby together? Are we going to show up to that wedding together?” We’ve had these awkward conversations.
August (narration):
And there’s no need to shy away from awkward ones around sex.
Also awkward, for many folks, is being naked or sexual around someone at all. Several people told me they want to work on increasing sexual confidence in the coming year, or to feel more comfortable naked, or about certain body parts, during sex.
Sakshi:
Oh my god. I think sexual confidence is something – I am a professional. But I’m also 24 years old.
August (narration):
In other words, she gets it. And she hears from so many people who struggle negative thoughts about their body, such as:
Sakshi:
“I need to look a perfect way, perfect size. I have to be desirable for somebody.” But there never comes a moment or a time where we actually sit down and actually appreciate facts about us, facts about our body, things that we love, things that we are amazing at.
August (narration):
She recommended an exercise, for anyone who’s comfortable and inclined:
Sakshi:
Drop down your clothes. Look at yourself naked in a mirror, the whole of your body. I’m not asking you to touch yourself or do anything for that matter. Just look at every inch of your body.
August (narration):
While doing so, it can be easy to focus on your perceived “flaws.”
Sakshi:
For me, I still do not like how my belly sort of just falls out. I do not like my belly pooch. I’m still trying to make my comfort with it. But for the longest time, I wasn’t able to pinpoint why I do not like it.
August (narration):
Side note, I love that her response wasn’t, “how do I change it,” but how do I get comfortable with it. And that she looked into why she hasn’t liked it. Who says you can’t embrace a belly pooch?
Sakshi:
But once you’re done with that repeat the same process again and list the good things, the great things, the amazing things. And always give the reason.
I do not like this, why? If I do like this, why? I am proud of my eyelashes. They’re thick. Even my eyebrows. They are so thick. It saves me so much time. It’s amazing. [laughs]
But I think it takes time. It takes time, it takes a lot of factors. Again, hoping that it’s always gonna stay at that peak is a myth. Things come, things change, our confidence changes.
And we have to understand that it’s 2021. We are running. It’s a rat race amidst a pandemic. We are talking about survival and death. We are talking about loss and grief. We are also talking about finding touch again, to feel grounded, to feel grounded again, to feel human again.
And on top of that, while we are struggling to just find the essence of our being, we are imposing so many unrealistic expectations, which basically no one has created, about how we are supposed to look, how we are supposed to behave, the kind of partner that we need to have, the kind of sex that we need to have.
August (narration):
If that resonates with you, hear this:
Sakshi:
There are no rules. You are writing them.
Everyone has their own rite of passage as to how they reach this realization as to “I write my own rules.” Sometimes I do not follow it. The rulebook goes to trash. But some days, I do write my own rules. And it is a process. It’s a process for me as a professional as well.
Some days, I do not think that I’m beautiful enough. Some days, I do not think that I’m worthy of love. But other days, I know I’m so amazing, that I’m worth every love and every appreciation that’s been put out there, every human connection that I make.
August (narration):
Understand that it’s human to have these ups and downs, to struggle. But remember, just because you feel pressured to behave or look a certain way, doesn’t mean you have to.
Sakshi:
And create your own rules. Be a boss, bitch, all of you. It’s totally allowed.
Whatever has been sold to us in the media on Instagram, which looks too perfect, it’s a lie. It is a huge lie. Just call it out. That is it. It’s a lie.
[acoustic chord riff]
August (narration):
To learn more from Dr. Sakshi Tickoo, visit sexloveandot.com and follow her on Instagram: @sex.love.andot. She posts fun illustrations, videos and curated information on everything from readings lists to effective ways to use sex toys.
[guitar strum]
Speaking of toys and cultivating sexual confidence, you all know I am a huge fan of solo play and toys for getting to know our bodies, reducing stress and more.
Right now at The Pleasure Chest, you can explore their Holiday Gift Guides for fun goodies for yourself, a friend or a partner. For G-spot fun, check out the non-vibrating Le Wand Arch, which is featured in their Words of Affirmation Collection. It’s made of stainless steel, which gives it a luxurious weight and makes it a fun choice for temperature play. You can heat it up in warm water before you play, or with your body as you get turned on. While you’re at it, don’t forget to stock up on lube. Learn more and start shopping at thepleasurechest.com. Again, that’s The Pleasure Chest at thepleasurechest.com.
[guitar strum]
And that brings us to the end of the last episode of this year! I can’t thank you enough for being here, whether you are a new listener, welcome, or a longtime veteran.
I hope you have a meaningful wrap up to your year and wonderful holidays, if you celebrate. I know it’s a difficult time of year for many, so if that’s the case for you, please take care. I’m already looking forward to sharing new episodes with you all after the new year.
If you are enjoying the show, I would love to hear from you by way of a rating and review on the Apple Podcasts app or in the iTunes Store. You can also support the show support and get fun extras, including bonus segments for this episode, by joining my community at patreon.com/girlboner. Thanks so much for listening.
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