Rebecoming a Turned On Woman: Dr. Jordin Wiggins

“Rebecoming a Turned On Woman: Dr. Jordin Wiggins”

A lightly edited Girl Boner Radio transcript

Dr. Jordin:

And that is this cultural acceptance that our pleasure is somehow less than or as we get older or have children or perimenopause that accepting shitty sex and low libido is kind of the standard. It’s upsetting to me that that’s sort of the messaging that women are getting, because then they’re not seeking help and they’re not seeking answers and they just sort of feel well, like this is how I’ve got to accept it. I might as well make the best of life this way. And it doesn’t need to be that way.

August: 

Dr. Jordin Wiggins was born and raised in Fonthill, a small Canadian town known for its hiking trails, fruit orchards and neighborly vibes. That friendliness did not, however, extend to messages around sex. At least not where she went to school.

Dr. Jordin:  

I went to Catholic school, elementary and high school So my sex education was don’t. Like, abstain from sex. If you have it, you’re going to get an STI or you’re going to get pregnant and it was very much don’t, in fear and shame focused.

I remember feeling scared and shame around the whole thing. Like, Oh my goodness. I might go to hell or people might lose love and respect for me, if I was to have sex before marriage or engage, so I was totally scared. 

August (narration):  

Once she reached her early 20s, she knew she wanted to have a pleasurable sex life. She was a pre-med student at the time and in a committed relationship. She wanted to go about sex responsibly, to be able to enjoy sex without getting pregnant. So, she sought out birth control. Her doctor put her on “the pill.” And rather than bring freedom to sex, it completley lowered her interest in it — a potential side effect no one warned her about.

August:  

Was there any conversation about potential side effects or anything?

Dr. Jordin:  

Nope. I mean, they said, “Do you smoke? Because you might have an increased risk of blood clots.” 

August (narration):

That was the extent of the conversation. One reason her libido dropped was because of the effect the pill had on her menstrual cycle.

Dr. Jordin:  

It was probably in the second or third month that my libido was affected. And that was because I was getting my period for the majority of the time. And, you know, you go back to your doctor and the answer was “Well, wait it out because it needs to take time for your hormones to regulate.”

So they would leave me on different pills for like three to six months. And I would bleed the majority of the time or not feel myself and just say like something’s off and it was “well, wait it out” and then “okay, well try this one” and then wait that out. 

I’m embarrassed to say that I probably listened for about a year. I went against what my body was telling me, that oral contraceptives were not for me. 

August (narration):

Her moods were impacted, too, declining along with her libido. When she shared that with her doctor, they prescribed an antidepressant. Which may have been a smart choice, were she actually struggling with a mental illness, versus side effects.

Dr. Jordin:

It’s so awful thinking back that that was my decision was to listen and then “Oh, well your mood’s bad. So take a, take an antidepressant.” And I was like “but I wasn’t depressed before. So is it the pills or…?” So it was just this whole kind of web of things.

August (narration):

I get why she made that decision. It’s easy to trust doctors who mean well, but don’t know better. According to a 2018 article by physician, Dr. Rebekah Rollston, the average medical school student receives a mere 3-10 hours of sexual health education over the course of 4 years.

Throughout her libido and mental health challenges, Jordin’s sense of self esteem began to suffer.

Dr. Jordin: 

The self worth issues that were brought up and I didn’t know this at the time—I know it now—but I felt broken. I felt like there was something so wrong with me. 

I had had sex before marriage so there was even some part of me in my head for my Catholic education that like, You’re being punished because you want to have sex for pleasure.

Shame and like Oh, I don’t deserve that. I don’t deserve love and connection and great sex because it’s bad or I’m not worth it.

August (narration):

One really positive part of all of this was the fact that while her struggles impacted her relationship, she and her partner saw them more as a challenge to work through together, versus a roadblock. And they were able to figure out what the problem was.

Dr. Jordin:  

Thankfully, it was a loving, caring relationship where we could talk about sex, and the sex we had was great, when we would have it. I was just like, “Forget this. We’re figuring out other ways to not have a baby.”

I feel like I got lucky on the whole initial sexual experience thing. Because I see now in my work with women how many people’s first experience is just awful. And if it’s painful, then that can kind of set them up to be guarded and have more painful experiences. 

So given the fact that I had had all of these issues with contraceptives and bleeding and mood, I feel very lucky that I felt cared for and we could communicate and be open, which is probably why the sex was good when we had it and when this part was over with.

August (narration):

When Jordin told her doctor that she was not going to use any hormonal contraceptives, he responded, “Oh, so you’re going to get pregnant.”

Dr. Jordin:  

Like if you’re not on hormonal birth control, you will get pregnant. It’s just a matter of time. Or people that go off birth control, it’s because like, they’re trying to get pregnant and don’t want to admit it. 

So now I know how offside that is. But again, maybe I was like 23 or 24 at the time. I didn’t say anything, just sort of sat there and nodded but.

August (narration):

But she did eventually learn that non-hormonal birth control is a valid and effective choice for many uterus-havers. And regardless, she said, cycle awareness is important for all sexes and genders. And it’s not that difficult to do. She pointed out that there are apps that can help you track your cycle, using things like your body temperature.

Dr. Jordin:  

Our lack of pleasure-focused sex education, which is really reproductive sex education, sets us up to be dissatisfied with the sex that we’re having as vulva owners, a lot of the time. And it also makes us think that, you know, if sex means penis and vagina and if we have penetrative sex, we’re going to get pregnant. We’re missing so much of the picture. 

August (narration):

Learning about your cycle, or a partner’s cycle, can be deeply empowering, she said. Especially if you’ve primarily learned negative things about periods or your body and sexuality. And it was strengthening for her, to learn about her cycle.

Dr. Jordin:  

Also, if you’re ovulating, then what are your other contraceptive methods that you can use? Maybe you don’t have penetrative sex during that time and you have other forms of intimacy. 

So it’s not only the awareness of your body but it’s also awareness of what is sex and what else can we do to deepen that intimacy and connection that doesn’t carry the risk of having a baby, if that’s not what you want.

August (narration):

That was what she wanted and something she had to basically fight to achieve, and not only because of the birth control issue. Dr. Jordin grappled with low libido again, because of physical pain. 

Dr. Jordin:  

I had pressure and pain with sex or if I inserted a tampon. It’s on the like lateral—where the glands are—it’s on the lateral side of your vagina so it just – Like it was just tender. It was sore. It was like this didn’t used to hurt. Why is it hurting now? 

August (narration):

She learned she had a Bartholin cyst that needed to be operated on. It’s a common surgery for a common condition, she said, one that doesn’t get discussed enough.

Dr. Jordin:

I did a pre-med degree and I was in naturopathic medicine and didn’t even – Like until I had it happen to me, I didn’t even realize that this was so common because we often don’t talk a lot about these gynecologic concerns. 

August (narration):

She also didn’t realize how the recovery process, paired with pelvic pain she’d experienced as early as her teens, would impact her sex life. 

Dr. Jordin: 

You have stitches, which is kind of like an episiotomy to heal. And I had pelvic pain after that. And, of course, if sex is painful, then you don’t want to have it. But I knew, I knew that like if my libido’s low and mood’s low and I’m not really feeling like myself, I know I’m not at optimal health. 

So again, I was on a journey to figure out, what’s going on here? How can I heal this? What are my options, because I want to have intimacy and connection in a relationship. It’s important to me. So there I was, again, looking for answers.

August (narration):

She would want to want sex – 

Dr. Jordin: 

But if you know or feel like it is going to be painful, then it is something that I would want to avoid or get over quickly. And then the shame, the feeling broken. And all of those same things were coming up as when I had lost my libido the first time.

August (narration):

She went to see a pelvic floor physiotherapist, which she described as super helpful in dealing with scar tissue and other post-surgery issues. And today, she is in a far better place. 

[encouraging, acoustic music]

As a naturopathic doctor and pleasure expert, she helps people who are going through similar trials. 

Dr. Jordin:  

The cool part about what I do is now I’m learning like I wasn’t alone. There was just so many women out there feeling the exact same way but scared to say it, scared to voice it, not getting the correct help. So you just kind of internally suffer quietly and try and get through it on your own, hoping it’ll change one day.

August (narration):

She said this whole journey has been a healing process, with benefits that have gone well beyond regaining her libido.

Dr. Jordin:  

I definitely think it’s a healing process. And it was something that I needed to go through and kind of realize that there was so many layers to it. 

The education that I had was wrong, even thinking, like, Oh, ‘penis and vagina’ is the only way to be intimate or if we didn’t have penetration, it wasn’t sex. Like working through that as a layer, getting back in touch with what do I want? What do I need? And how do you ask for it? Is kind of the next step. Because if you are with a partner that thinks sex is one way, and it’s different for you or you need different things, how are you going to ask for that and communicate those needs. 

August (narration):

These issues come up again and again, she said, with the women and vulva owners she works with. 

Dr. Jordin:  

I find that pleasure is like a dial. And if it’s turned down, your libido is low. 

We have turned it down in several areas of our lives. And we’ve overcompensated by working hard at work or immersing ourselves in our children’s lives. 

But the best place to start is getting back in touch with those desires and asking yourself, what will bring me pleasure? In and out of the bedroom. And this is single or partnered. 

But what can I do in this moment to make it a little more joyful, a little more delicious? How can I structure my day for more pleasure and joy? Is that stopping and getting a latte? Is it taking a break to exercise and move your body? Because it can look different for everyone but we need to start turning that pleasure dial back up. And oftentimes, it’s not necessarily in the bedroom first.

August (narration):

In fact, it usually starts with pleasure that doesn’t involve sex at all.

Dr. Jordin:  

That’s the way that it always seems to work. It’s like a muscle. If we haven’t flexed it and then we start using it, and then we get the resistance and the training and then all of a sudden, it’s just there. It’s a thing we’re doing, like working out. 

If we haven’t been working out, it’s a big hurdle, you know? You got to go back to the gym or get your workout clothes on and plan for it and put it back in your schedule but once it’s there and you’re doing it, you feel awesome. 

And it’s like a part of your routine and it makes you feel good, but it’s getting that momentum and getting there and definitely pleasure outside of the bedroom will help increase pleasure in the bedroom.

August (narration):

She said that many of the women she works with settle for “bad sex.” As a result, they’re making to-do lists in their head during sex, thinking about all of the other tasks they “should” be doing. And sex itself is often one of those tasks, but not one they think about during sex.

Dr. Jordin: 

They’re approaching sex as a checklist on their to-do list and also a checklist of Okay, I did this. Now I don’t need to do it again for X-number of days. And just completely dissociating, just being out of their bodies during sexual experiences, trying to just get it over with or watching the clock. 

And that is this cultural acceptance that our pleasure is somehow less than or as we get older or have children or perimenopause that accepting shitty sex and low libido is kind of the standard. It’s upsetting to me that that’s sort of the messaging that women are getting, because then they’re not seeking help and they’re not seeking answers and they just sort of feel well, like this is how I’ve got to accept it. I might as well make the best of life this way. 

And it doesn’t need to be that way, with proper education, learning what you want, knowing how to communicate it and feeling worthy enough to receive it. We all deserve great sex, intimacy, connection.

August (narration):

And the work to get there is well worth it. Just like in her experiences, the rewards extend far beyond orgasms and libido. She sees evidence of that in her work with The Pleasure Collective all the time.

Dr. Jordin:  

I thought that I was going to help women with low libido. If it was a hormone issue, if it was a mindset issue, a communication [issue], like that was my thing. That was what I was going to do. 

Started putting women through Pleasure Principles, the three-month program, and then their whole worlds were changing for the better. They were getting promotions and raises. Their relationships, they were considering divorce, were healing and better than ever. They were finally dating amazing men that were meeting all of their physical, emotional needs. Their relationships with their children was better.

It was just like once they got in touch with themselves, their sexuality, their whole selves—because I think we’re not truly well. We don’t have energy and motivation. Because if you tap into that sexual energy and you think about a time when you had really high libido, how did life feel then, right? Usually things are easy. They flow. Opportunities come to you, things go good.

What we say in the Pleasure Collective is “No one says no to a turned on woman.” So whether it’s a negotiation, you know, you’re trying to negotiate a contract or something at work or you’re asking your partner to do the laundry, [laughs] like tenth time and instead of getting frustrated, when you’re coming from that place of turn on, that place of playfulness, maybe lightness, it’s a totally different outcome. 

People want to help you. People want to support you, and you’re there to receive it. It’s just a completely different energy shift when you’re turned on or you’re in touch with that sexual energy and that part of who you are.

[acoustic chord riff]

August (narration):

To learn more about Dr. Jordin Wiggins and her work with the Pleasure Collective, a sexual health and sexual re-education coaching community, visit thepleasurecollective.com.

[guitar strum]

So how do we get there? How do we reconnect with our sexuality, or perhaps really claim it for the first time? Here are a few steps to consider:

First, set aside time for personal pleasure. Again, it does not have to be sexual. Ask yourself how you can work pleasure into your daily life. 

Second, journal about what you learned about sex and pleasure early on, and how you’re feeling about your sexuality today. I can almost promise you these things are connected.

And third, talk to someone — a partner, supportive friends, a therapist. If you’re feeling less connected to your sexuality than you’d like, there’s a good chance shame is at play. And shame can’t thrive in isolation. Give those words some air, and yourself a ton of compassion. Okay? Please? 

Now, for Dr. Megan Fleming’s Pleasure Picks for December. 

[Hear about Dr. Megan’s picks in the episode, up above above or on your favorite podcast app! Or head to greatlifegreatsex.com/pleasurepicks to read about them.]

Thanks so much, Dr. Megan. Wonderful suggestions, as always.

That was the last installment of her Pleasure Picks series, and I want to say how deeply grateful I am to her for the support and wisdom she has shared here over the years. To stay up to date with Dr. Megan’s happenings, follow her on social media and subscribe to her email list at greatlifegreatsex.com.

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