Writer, performer and producer, Judy Calabrese took a chance on being a switch and ended up gaining far more pleasure than she’d anticipated. Certified sex educator and sex worker, Elle Stanger, learned something new about her body during an impromptu experience in a gay bar bathroom.
Learn much more in this week’s Girl Boner Radio episode!
Stream it on Apple Podcasts/iTunes, iHeartRadio, Amazon Music, Spotify or below. Or read on for a lightly edited transcript.
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“Orgasmic Sex Surprises: Judy C. and Elle S.”
a Girl Boner Radio transcript
I’m hot, I’m sweating and I’m wrapped inside the flames of what has become an earth shaking, full body orgasm. And there in the throws of it at the top of my head feels as if it’s cracked open and there’s this light like a funnel drawing me upwards, like a tornado.
I’m a very, very orgasmic person. I’ve been masturbating since I was small child for self soothing. And I have gotten through a lot with my self-touch. So like, I could have orgasms all the time, but I’d never felt anything like this one before. And I just went with it. And then I heard “ow, my eye!
Sex can be full of surprises, especially when we’re figuring things out on our own. Some of the best surprises involve discovering new ways your body experiences pleasure.
Take it from Judy Calabrese, a writer, performer and producer you may recall from the episode from March of this year on fisting and shared orgasm firsts. And from Elle Stanger (like pang-r), a certified sex educator and sex worker, who — like Judy — wrote an erotica story that’s featured in The Big Book of Orgasms, Volume 2.
The in-real-life experiences you’ll hear about today involve…climactic surprises in their respective lives. Let’s start with Judy.
[encouraging, acoustic music]
August: Okay. So I would love to, again, start with some context for your story. What would you like to share about where you were in life at that time?
Judy: The crux of it is that, on the tails of a divorce, I moved back to New York, I had been abroad and I moved back and was really like financially destitute and was temping and took a job completely outta my mind one night on Craigslist. I answered the job for a dominatrix. And I was hired immediately and I started working. I had never even practiced BDSM before. Like I had no idea what I was doing. And it changed my life. It was an amazing experience.
It was like being a sort of deer in the woods. I didn’t know what was going on. Everything was brand new. I wasn’t young either. I mean, I was 39 years old.
This was about 15 years ago. And Judy knew a good amount about sex then, she said, but nothing about the dominatrix world.
Judy: I knew what a dominatrix did. You know, they dressed in leather and high heels and they were really mean, and they got to beat up men and the men liked it. That’s pretty much what I knew.
What made you want to try it? To see that ad and go, why not?
And while my marriage was breaking up…an old boyfriend got in touch with me and we started sort of this online kind of affair sort of. Through, you know, IMing with him and all these like things I had never done before. We started this sort of sexual component of our relationship.
And this was my God, it’s now 15 years ago, but I had never done that before. Expressed myself sexually through writing directly with another person and it was so powerful. He was not just an amazing writer, but he had a vast imagination. And he, one day just said you would be a great dominatrix.
And I was like, Ew, you know, I had all these ideas of, I’m nice. I’m a nice person. I’m a mother, I’m a nice lady. And he was like, I’m just saying, I think you have a knack for it.
A lot of my sexual desires and pecularities come out of an unconscious place within me. And I’ve learned how to cultivate those places over the years. But they’re not really frontal places. I’ve noticed that. They surprise me every time.
August: That’s exciting.
Judy: It is actually, I’ve learned how to be excited by it and not terrified.
August (narration): So when Judy spotted the Craig’s List ad for a dominatrix, she went with her surprising excitement. She dove in and now describes the work she did there as “very profound.”
A couple of months later, another surprise came her way—(ahem) no pun intended. Her boss presented her with an opportunity, something new to try with a client: a switch session.
Judy: And I had no idea what that was, either. And all the other girls gathered around me and tried to talk me out of it.
August (narration):In BDSM, a switch is someone who goes back and forth between being dominant and submissive. So for a dominatrix who’s used to being the, well, dominant person, it can be a big change.
Judy: And so it made it even scarier because, I had heard the other quote, unquote girls. They called themselves girls. They were grown ass women, but the girls would talk about their switch sessions.And, I didn’t really know what that meant.
And when my boss came over to me and said, “I think you would be really good at this. And this client is a very special client,” blah, blah, blah. “He’s really lovely. I think it would be a really good fit for you.” And she said, “think about it.” And all the girls come over to me and like, “you can’t do that. It’s too much for you. You don’t really know what you’re doing.”
And I was like, “okay, I’m gonna do it anyway.”
So, um, yeah. And I didn’t know how to be submissive in my life. I barely knew how to receive, you know, let alone be submissive. Looking back I think that was a big problem in my marriage. My husband never directly asked me to be submissive, but I was very aware that I wanted him to be more dominant. And I didn’t know how to ask for that. And B, how I was in the way of what I wanted. I think if I had figured out how to allow myself to be more submissive, he could have had the space to have been more dominant.
August: Ah, yeah. I think that’s a kind of trap for so many of us. We never learned anything so, so much is below the surface and yeah, we don’t know how to talk about it and we can kind of create almost self-fulfilling prophecies too.
Judy: Oh, every time I think.
Judy actually wrote a story about that switch session, which is when her sex surprise happened. It hasn’t been published anywhere, but she offered to read from it.
Judy: The written version is beautiful because it goes into the interior landscape of like what was happening for me during the spanking.
I think it might be a good segue to go into the landscape of, of what was happening around me and more specifically what was happening inside of me.
Please, I’d be honored if you’d read from it.
So on the tales of a divorce, I didn’t know was coming we moved back from Holland to New York City with our two small children I take a job as a dominatrix because I was angry at men? Sure. Also there was some pull, something I couldn’t explain to myself. I had always been fascinated with sex work, but didn’t want to have actual sex for money.
And I had never practiced BDSM in my personal life. Why did I wanna do it as a job? As a dominatrix I did what you imagined I did. I got paid to tell men what to do. Why that never worked in real life, but now I was getting paid to do it was beyond me. When they didn’t do as I asked, I smacked, beat, whipped, caned, and flogged them for it. It was very rewarding work in many ways.
One day, a few months into the job, my boss pulls me aside and she says, “I have a very special VIP client who wants a switch, a sub.” She was from long island. “Do you think you’re ready for that? I just have a feeling you could handle it.” The weird part was that I knew she was right.
Every part of my mind said, no, are you nuts? You’re gonna submit to a total stranger? you’ve never even submitted to your partner. But in my heart and in my pussy, I said, that’s exactly why I need to do this.
When I entered the room, the first thing that hit me was his scent. It’s subtle and warm, adrift of the notes within his cologne. He’s on the chair, in the middle of the room, in dress pants and a cashmere sweater. He’s almost 60, graying at the temples, handsome in a refined way. Soft, I think to myself, surprised. I was expecting someone very large and square and brutish with thick hands. But instead this man’s hands are manicured and they move with a kind of tender elegance when he greets me.
His dress shirt is still crisp at the end of the day, or maybe he put on a fresh one before leaving the office. In contrast, I noticed that his eyes are wild — pensive, but penetrating. He introduces himself then gets down to business in a calm and pleasant tone of voice. “What I’d like you to do is to lay across like this,” and motions across the width of his lap with his hand.
I felt embarrassed even thinking about being in such a vulnerable position, and my cheeks ran hot with embarrassment. How was I gonna get through this?
“And then I’d like to spank you. That’s all, it’ll go on for a while. I’ve paid for the entire hour. Correct?” I nod somehow unable to speak. “However I will stop whenever you say the word. Agreed?” “Yes,” I say trying to sound confident. “Good,” he says and smiles in a way that eases some of my fear. ” If I may make request?”
“Okay.” I manage to stutter, but is any of this truly a request? “While I will honor your need to stop, I ask that you try your best to endure it.”
Endure it? Fear clutched at my throat. He could see it on my face. “Don’t worry. I think you may be quite surprised at the results.” I highly doubted that and I felt completely crazy, but I needed to try, even though my body leaned slightly towards the door, waiting for some survival instinct to kick in, to rescue my body, to bring it to safety.
I had never been spanked before, aside from a few times by my mom, as a kid. I highly doubted I was going to suddenly find I liked it now. In fact, a strong part of me knew that this wasn’t for me, but the other part of me was doing the math: I’m being paid double. And what is an hour out of a lifetime?
I told myself I can stop at any time. And I’m, I’m here for a reason. Right? Deep breath. I was as ready as I was ever going to be.
The first few hits were so mild. I thought maybe he was joking, embarrassing me further thinking maybe he was going easy on me. The next few smacks were more firm, but if this was spanking I was a pro.
No problem. I smiled to myself the blood pooling into my cheeks as I hung over this man’s lap, thinking back to just a few minutes ago when I was worried about all of this, always tougher than I think I am. I mean, this is just a job. I’m just doing a job after all. Those thoughts kept me distracted for what seemed like a long time.
At some point, though, I realized, I don’t know how much time has pass. Time is not something I’m aware of at all. There’s a rhythm that’s happening, a slow heartbeat rhythm of his hand, applying smacks to my ass, smack, smack, smack, and now it’s become a kind of tunnel, like a vibrating tunnel in which I feel suspended.
The vibration becomes something like a massage on my behind, but different. I’m not sure I’m conscious. Yes. I’m here, staring at this man’s leather shoes. This man, I don’t know who’s spanking me, but these are words, they’re thoughts. And I’m not in the words or the thoughts. I’m in feeling, the feeling of this rhythm smack, smack, smack harder now, like dance, like music, music of sensation.
It’s like he’s no longer there. It’s only me and the sensation, which becomes a stronger magnetic force drawing me to it as I sense pain. Burning. It hurts. I should stop. I should stop, but I don’t. My body doesn’t want that. Instead I moved towards the pain. Like a snake on its belly, a snake slithering towards its prey with a hungry, open mouth.
Then the feeling there is safety in this place. I can stop this or I can stay here inside this sensation. And I, I choose to stay because I created this, all of this.
I breathe in his cologne, the briny leather scent of his shoes. I squint to see the scuff linoleum floor and I’m brought back to the moment, then smack, smack, smack the rhythm returns. And I swing out again into the dance of me and this vibrating tunnel. And I sink deeper in and I submerge now to a level where I become something else.
I am aware of the insides of my thighs. They’re alive. The slaps create a ringing that wraps my thighs, like fingers, long fingers, fingers of sensation that are all me or some force now reaching towards my cunt and the mouth of my cunt is suddenly aware of itself. Smack, smack, smack sensation extends like a tongue around to my vulva, my clit, like tiny flames now licking at me.
I hear myself making sounds as if there is a me in my body and a me consciousness and I’m taking short breaths and sounds like, UHHH are coming out of my mouth. And I make myself be quiet because I’m at work. I am at work, but the force and the rhythm of the smack smack smack returns. And now I’m gripping this man’s leg and my entire body’s on red alert, seething, pulsing.
I should stop. I should just say, but at the sensation in my thighs climbs, hot, cinging and reaches up inside of me to my womb, my belly, and like a laser, it shoots straight through me into the base of my skull. And I grind my teeth, the muscles of my pussy contract, and they tighten so much that I can feel the warm, wet walls touch themselves, pulse and start to melt.
I’m hot, I’m sweating and I’m wrapped inside the flames of what has become an earth shaking, full body orgasm. And there in the throws of it at the top of my head feels as if it’s cracked open and there’s this light like a funnel drawing me upwards, like a tornado.
That is all.
August: Ah, and so much.
What was it like walking away from that experience? Because it sounds like it, as you said, cracked open this world.
Judy: I was, I felt very fragile and very vulnerable. I had had a full body orgasm with a complete stranger. That had never happened before. Not even close. I had had many lovers, but they were people that I knew that I had some semblance of a relationship with.
And you could say, I had a relationship with this total stranger for the 60 minutes we were together. But if you would’ve told me this person is gonna spank you until you have an orgasm, I would’ve laughed in your face. It has never happened since! It was a very unique gift from the universe, or gift from my body, directing me and saying, keep going, you’re going the right way.
Keep opening, keep exploring, keep curious, yes. This job that you’re doing is a dominatrix. It wasn’t a great fit for me. I learned a lot. It wasn’t something that I kept doing. I was there a few months, but when I reentered my life, when I stopped being a dominatrix and integrated the dominatrix experience into my everyday world, that’s when the real transformation came through.
And you know how Judy mentioned struggling to receive or be submissive when she wished to in her marriage? That transformed, too.
Judy: Maybe it’s because I was raised Catholic or maybe it’s just part of my personality. I feel like I have to be sort of kicked out of the nest. I think that works for me in general. And it sounds kind of brutal and it is, but if I had not taken this job counterintuitively, really out of desperation, but also out of deep curiosity that I honestly couldn’t share with anyone. I told no one that I was taking this job as a dominatrix. I needed it to be all mine and I needed it to be secret. And yeah, I think there was some deep shame around my need to be submissive.
I didn’t think that was okay. I thought I needed to be like most of us, I needed to be strong. I needed to take the reins in my life. I needed to pull myself up for my bootstraps and make a living and be a man essentially. I call it, strapping it on. Strap it on and be a man.
And it’s never really worked for me. And so that’s why I took the job. Right? I was gonna be a dominatrix. I was going to take control. I was gonna get all my rage out. And what I found instead was a vast reservoir of compassion, of deep tenderness for my clients. People would come in to work out some kind of scenario with me that mostly ended in them crying and telling me their deepest, darkest secrets, their woes, their worries, their betrayals, their fears.
And instead of getting tougher, I got more tender. Every time I went to work, I became more and more tender, which was really surprising when you get a job as a dominatrix off Craigslist and I’m gonna go in and kick some ass. And I did, I did kick ass. I did. I kicked ass and I became a softer, gentler version of my deepest self. And so by the time my boss asked me to be a switch, I had been there a couple of months and I realized I had found another level of that tenderness and I was ready. I was ready to try out my new sea legs as a submissive. I had never done it with a lover. I certainly had never done it with my husband.
I had never done it with any boyfriends, but I was gonna do it with this complete stranger, because if I was terrible at it, if I really hated it, no one would have to know . So it was a huge freeing space for me. I’m an actor, I’m a performer. So there was an aspect of theater to this that I loved. I would walk in there, I would assume the role of whoever they needed me to be for that hour. And I just let it fly. And I did the same thing as a submissive, but what I found at the end of it was I got closer to myself and the things I really needed. I needed to give myself over to a lover, to a man, to a dominant, I needed to give that power over and let it all go.
And when I did, I found incredible levels of freedom of pleasure, pleasure beyond what I thought was possible when you were being spanked. And when that funnel of light opened, it was as if the top of my head sort of opened like a dome. And this funnel of light came flooding in.
It was like it took something away from me that I didn’t need anymore. This clinging to this tough girl identity. It just didn’t occur to me after that. It took years for it to really sloth away, many years, but it was the beginning of me giving myself permission to be really soft and tender.
If you relate to Judy’s experience of clinging to a “tough” identity, or really any type of identity or block that keeps you from exploring a deep desire, Judy offered this advice.
Judy: I think it’s really important to allow yourself to be curious about what you really want, whether you write it down in a journal or tell a friend, or make a voice note to yourself, or make a little video just for you. This is what I really want. Testify it to somebody. And I would suggest privately and to someone you absolutely trust. And if there is no one, just tell yourself
That and allow yourself to open up that curiosity. This is what I want. It’s terrifying. Why am I scared? What am I scared of?
And if you do get the chance to be with a partner who wants to explore those desires with you, she said, make sure you’re crystal clear about what you want.
Because I think the most terrifying part with my husband at the time was that if I say this to him, I was afraid that I was gonna feel too vulnerable or he was going to misunderstand me somehow. I felt like a little kid in a way. Like, I didn’t wanna be embarrassed. I didn’t wanna, I couldn’t be that vulnerable.
So with my lover at the time after I left that switch session and I had been spanked and I went to my lover and said, “Hey, this happened.” We didn’t do anything about it. I just told him the whole story. And it was terrifying to even tell him the story, because then he’ll know that I might want that. And so when I told him the story, I said, so that was cool. Like, I was literally like a girl from high school. I was like, “well, that was cool.” That was just, you know, “all in a day’s work.”
And then I burst out crying. I was so full of emotion and so full of this new level of tenderness. He just held me and I cried . I didn’t wanna process it. I didn’t wanna talk about it. And then months and months later, we started to tiptoe into me being more submissive, very gently.
Instead of sort of getting on top or taking over, which is kind of what I was used to doing. I would, you know, place his hand at my neck or I would say squeeze a little harder. It’s okay. And he was also terrified by the way, he’s like, I don’t wanna hurt you. And I said, well, let’s play with that. Let’s see if we could play with that edge.
And that’s how it began really, really gently.
He would has his hands around my waist and I would say, squeeze. And it would be like one degree, two degrees and then harder and then harder. I mean, a lot of us know this. But the submissive is really the one in control, but porn and the way that our society is, you know, set up the way that we’re taught the submissive just has to take it. But in fact, the submissive is the one calling the shots. There is no dominant without a submissive.
So when I realized that I said, well, I can, I can gently and softly guide this person to be my Dom. Yeah. It became a dance.
August: Yeah, totally a dance. And it’s like all the parts of you, the part of you that wants to be strong and the part of you that wants to be gentle and, and even the softness as strength, I think that’s. Really meaningful. Thank you for sharing that.
Judy: Yeah. Yeah.
[encouraging, acoustic music]
Now, Elle’s story.
Elle: So context is very important. I was a different person politically, socially. I was 19. So I was really just like coming out of my parents’ house a couple years prior. I was supporting myself at the time. I was working in an adult store slash porn shop. It was 2005. I was in Southern California. That was almost half my life ago. And it was such a wonderful coming of age night that I now reframe it a little differently.
August: Do you remember anything about that actual day?
Elle: I don’t remember anything about the day. So I was not of legal drinking age. But my coworkers were in their mid-twenties. And so was one of their boyfriends. And my coworkers and I were all sexually attracted to each other. At the time, I think we all identified as bisexual women.I would now say I’m a queer, feminine presenting person.
But exploring our young women’s bisexuality at the time was very important and it was very fresh and it was very scary. So the fact that I worked eight hours a day, 40 hours a week. In a professional, like retail environment where you are actually also allowed and encouraged to be very literate and excited about the materials…
…like dildos, vibrators, lube. Things you find at a sex shop.
I was thrilled. I was so like, I wanna read about sex. I wanna talk about sex. I wanna talk about sex with my coworkers, and when you’re all young people that are attracted to each other and you’re talking about sex, you’re probably gonna end up doing it at some point. .
That business is closed now, Elle said.
But at the time they were one of the only shops in north San Diego County that sold explicit DVDs and lingerie.
There weren’t the masturbation like arcade booths, jack-off booths is also what we called them.
There’s some disparaging names for, for these places cuz often venues that are related to sex aren’t really held in high regard. And when they’re not held in high regard, they aren’t properly maintained. So structurally they can look shitty. And that kind of leads the cycle of looking down on, on sexually relevant venues.
What I’m saying is we need nice jack-off booths and venues people, okay? Because everyone deserves some privacy. Some people live with a bunch of kids or blended families, or they live on the road or they’re unhoused. You know, like it makes sense we would have spaces that are clean and private where people could like masturbate or watch porn for a fee.
Elle did end up working at a place that had nicer, well-kept solo play options later on.
And those are a whole different rodeo.
But Elle and her co-workers didn’t have that option. They did watch some explicit DVDs together, though, and it became clear that they were into one another. They wanted to hook up.
And it was suggested that someone’s friend was a bouncer at a gay bar in downtown San Diego in the gay district. And it was called Hamburger Mary’s. I wasn’t supposed to be there, but they snuck me in, I didn’t have an ID.
So my scraggly 19 year old ass, I had my eyebrows shaved off, like not well, and like a floppy Mohawk. I needed the world to know that I was pissed, you know, and like slightly gay. So I’m looking all like young angsty edgy with my two, like beautiful bimbo-esque California beachy, like bisexual coworkers.
They knew they’d be drinking, so they chose a designated driver. And several rounds of drinking in, things took an erotic turn—the kind they had been hoping for, and more.
It started when two of Elle’s coworker friends started making out, which caught Elle’s attention.
…and I was becoming aroused.
I had never heard of like poly or open or non-monogamy. So the fact that I was becoming aroused and had no outlet was very troubling to me.
August: Aw, yeah.
Elle: I wanted to like hump someone on the dance floor and I’m not even a good like dance floor dancer. So we were like, “let’s go to the bathroom!” and, you know, girls all go to the bathroom together, right?
Hamburger Mary’s is considered a “flamboyant place,” by the way. Still today, they have “Dining with the Divas” drag shows, and attract a diverse, open crowd.
Elle: So, I don’t know how these folks identified, but we had a lot of gender expansive femmes all around us. So we three went into the handicap stall. I don’t even remember if anybody peed. But they started going down on me. And a bunch of the ladies in heels, who were very tall, were peeking over the stall. And I just remember one of them being like, “oh yes, girl, you ate her pussy!”
August: Aw, you had your own cheerleader.
Elle: I did. It was a squad. Um, so. I remember feeling a pressure. And I remember feeling like I was going to have an orgasm, which , I am blessed to have, I’m a very, very orgasmic person. I’ve been masturbating since I was small child for self soothing. And I have gotten through a lot with my self-touch. So like, I could have orgasms all the time, but I’d never felt anything like this one before. And I just went with it. And then I heard “ow, my eye!”
August: What happened?
Elle: I squirted my friend in the eye.
August: Oh, my gosh. Did you know you’d squirted until that moment?
Elle: I had never squirted before. And I heard my other friend/coworkers say, “oh, she’s coming!” And she was the sluttier of the three of us. Like she had the most slut power and knowledge. Um, the most sexually prolific, I, I like to say sexually prolific instead of slut or with it, you know? Cause there’s nothing wrong being a slut.
August: I like that’s, that’s a great phrase. Yeah.
Elle: Good. Feel free to use it. Let it proliferate. Yeah, so I squirted all over the place.
I’m so sorry now, as someone who works in nightclub venues and like entertainment and deals with the general public that is drinking, I’m so sorry if I squirted on the floor. Because like someone had to clean that up and I hope they got paid and tipped out well, cuz I would never, I would never!
And now as a 35 year old stripper, sex worker of many trades, but primarily stripper, I’ve been a stripper in Portland, Oregon. I’ve worked almost a dozen venues, over, I think it’s 14 years this summer. So like I’ve seen a lot. And so now when I get tortured with like the asinine messy, sloppy, drunk horny behavior of the general public, I’m like, okay, there, I have been that person so that was how I learned that I can squirt.
August: Wow. It sounds like you had some good knowledge around sex and sexuality. Was squirting ejaculation, was that something that had been on your personal radar as far as like you wanted to experience? Did you have any feelings or thoughts about it before that?
Elle: That’s a really good question. So also for context, I had to remind myself that like, I actually didn’t like penetration regularly from like penises and male partners until I was in my mid twenties, um, early to mid twenties. And I’d been sexually partnered and exploring with people since I was like 14. So like almost a decade.
So that instance was really pivotal for me to understand that I could get off in that way with penetration. The sluttiest, one of the triad, , she knew she could squirt, I believe. But we two had no idea if we could. And so that was how we all figured out that Elle can!
Whether you squirt or not, and whether or not you enjoy it, it’s all good. There is no “normal” or “achievment” ranking there. But in Elle’s case, this self-knowledge turned out to be a great thing.
Elle: I’m really glad, honestly, I’m glad it happened for my own feelings of potential embarrassment. And now that I look back on this, it makes me a little sad, but I’m actually glad this didn’t happen with a boyfriend because they might have freaked out.
But the fact that it happened in a gay drunk space, that was very obviously pro-public sex, and around gender diverse and sexually diverse people, it didn’t feel dangerous.
And then the fact that, well, besides squirting her in the eye, the other one was like, “oh, she’s coming.” I could hear the gratification in her voice while she’s like thrusting into me with her fingers.
I think she was the fingers and I think the other one was the mouth, which is why I think I got her in the eye.
Aw. Did this experience influence your sex life moving forward at all?
Elle: Oh my God. I wanted to squirt, but I wanted to have control of the squirt, you know? Like, this is a power. And I did. I did so that like fast forward to let’s see like seven or so years. So this is whew. God, I lived fast in my twenties. This was after two marriages and a bunch of Tindering.
I remember the date where, and like, okay, I will say I’ve gone through like eight or nine years of weekly therapy at this point, I’m a better person, but I went through a Tinder dating period in about 2015, where I just wanted to see who I could have sex with that was a man. I was curious like, oh, I’ve never hooked up with a firefighter before, or like, oh, that guy’s a male model. He’s kind of a douche, but he’s the prettiest man I’ve ever seen. I’m curious what his dick looks like.
And I was always very like, Hey, I’m getting out of a divorce. I have a two year old. You will never probably interact with her. I’m not looking for a parent. You know, I used condoms for most of it. And then when I did and I got chlamydia, and then I learned, this is what happens when you don’t use condoms.
And then I reached out to those five people and I found out which ones were cool enough to actually fuck again in the future, cuz they reacted without shaming me. But yeah, I remember with the male model, I was like, I’m going to squirt all over the place and then I’m going to never talk to him again.
There was a reason for this because he was very, like, I think without-care-for-other-people and kind of insufferable and up his own ass. So I was like, I don’t think any woman’s ever said no to you before. So in a way I kind of wanted to like – anyway, I squirted it all over the place. He was blown away.
He went to go shower. When he came back, he’s like, “oh, you’re already getting dressed?” because he thought I was gonna fall in love with him. And then I was like, “no, I got stuff to do.” Then he accused me the next day of stealing his $10,000 flute, to which I said, “sir, I arrived holding nothing and I left holding nothing. Where do you think I put it?” But his roommate said that I must have done it cuz I’m the stripper slutty one. So.
August: Oh my gosh.
Elle: And that’s whore-ophobia.
Anyway, but so that’s my squirting power. I’m like, I’m gonna just blow you away and then you’ll remember me.
Different strokes work for different folks — sometimes literally — in terms of squirting. So if you’ve had it on your goals list, you may want to take notes from Elle.
August: You learned something about your physiology and what helps you squirt, right? So was what is it? I know bodies are different, but for folks who are curious about maybe it’ll work for them too, what actually helps you or allows you to do that?.
Elle: So I will say, I remember reading a study, that discussed like 27 or so female, cadavers. And that nine of them didn’t have the so-called cluster of nerves and tissue density that we refer to as a G-spot.
So you might just not have it. I was born without wisdom teeth. They did X-rays. Everyone’s different. Thank you for the note on bodies are different.
And I have read that people who have given birth tend to be better at having awareness of that canal, and also knowing when to use their muscles and how to bear down.
But I will say I will drink a lot of water. I will urinate so that I feel completely empty in my bladder. I will try to be aroused or get off or have an orgasm or edge to get a lot of blood flow and enlargement to the areas.
And then I personally like a lot of heavy, either suction or vibration on my clitoris and hood area. Vibration pushes to your pubic bone, which pushes against a lot of people’s clitoris, which is underneath their skin right? So even if you can’t see it, there’s a lot activated there.
And then just like a gentle to firm tugging or pulling with the, like, come here to finger motion. Fingers work better for me than toys, but some people like bulb shaped toys. Also butt plugs that are around can be a really excellent G-spot toy because you hold it at the base.
And it just kind of fills you up nicely without worrying about like slamming against your cervix. And I really like glass, butt plug toys when I’m trying to squirt actually.
So let’s say you get all set with your toys and techniques with squirting in mind. Another important thing to keep handy is an open, anything-may-happen mind.
Elle: So when I, if I’m choosing to try to squirt or choosing to try to have an orgasm or choosing to engage with someone, you never really know how it’s gonna go. With sex, like you just never really know. It could be silly. It could be embarrassing. It could be fun. It could be hot. It could be all of those things, like a roller coaster.
So I guess I just try to remind people to like, when you’re experimenting with your body, just be curious and nonjudgmental because it’s your body. It does so many amazing things for you. You’re not a robot though. You’re an animal.
August: Yes, beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing that.
Elle’s story in The Big Book of Orgasms, Volume 2, is called Outcall. It’s about two sex working femmes who are going to do a sex show for a client. And one of the pair has secret a crush on the other. And if you appreciated her in-real-life squirting story, I bet you’ll love it. It relates, Elle said, to their “personal life fantasy, in a way.”
Elle: I chose everything that happens because it just seems like something that would happen to me. Like most of my clients are pretty affable and non-threatening and you know, like, if I’m interacting at work with a client and I happen to also have the blessing of co-working with someone that I do find very compelling and attracted to, it’s very distracting.
It’s just, it feels very, very me. Like I’m just, I’m a dork. And I’m ADHD, and I found out I’m autistic last year. So I feel like sometimes the way I socialize and relate to the world is different. You know, everyone has their own normal, but sex work to me is just really, if nothing else, no matter what happens, like it’s gonna be a story.
I’m privileged to do safer work, but I’ve still done illegal work and the job can be dangerous because of how people feel about sex workers and bad laws that criminalize consensual workers, which do prevent victims from reporting. So it’s interesting to navigate my own sexuality as it relates to labor, because again, reminder that plenty of sex workers are asexual or low libido, or certainly not interested in their clients. They’re doing a job. But I’m lucky enough to be able to kind of blend my arousal with my work quite a lot of the time. Even if my client is not arousing to me, I might be able to find something sensual or maybe learnable about the experience.
So that’s what I try to do with storytelling is like, well, this experience really sucked, but like, what could I learn about it? Or what could I share so that it sucks less for someone else?. Or they recognize red flags? You know, like how do we do harm reduction in art, through our lived experiences? That’s basically where I’m coming from.
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Find Elle Stanger’s story in The Big Book of Orgasms, Volume 2, edited by Rachel Kramer Bussell, through the link in the show notes, Amazon or your favorite indie bookseller.
The book also includes Judy Calabrese’s steamy story, “Cave Walls,” which you can learn more about in the Girl Boner episode, “Shared Orgasm and Fisting Firsts” from March.
Learn more about Judy and her company, LITHEROTICA—which features original erotica written and performed by women—at litherotica.life. Learn more about Elle’s work at ellestanger.com.
And, if you’re enjoying Girl Boner Radio, I would so appreciate a rating and review on Apple Podcasts or the iTunes Store — and if you’d share links with your friends. You can also support the show, and get fun extras, by joining my community at Patreon.com/girlboner.
Thanks so much for listening (or reading!).
[outro music that makes you wanna dance…]
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