True Solo Play Stories: How 4 Women Masturbate

How (and Why) 4 Women Masturbate

August

I received an awesome question recently. Someone wrote in asking if I’ve ever covered how to masturbate, as a topic. I’ve addressed beginner’s tips here and there, but that question inspired me to delve deeper and share tips through my favorite medium: true stories about lived experiences.

Since starting Girl Boner, I’ve heard from so many people with vulvas who masturbate that they sort of fell into it by accident. They were riding a bike or using a shower head and suddenly everything felt really, really good. Others intentionally start exploring on their own and figure things out as they go along. 

Because we’re all unique, there really isn’t a universal step-by-step that will likely work for everyone. But there are some smart guiding principles and good places to start, which I covered in my Girl Boner book: things like setting aside time for intimate pleasure, starting with soft touch, and exploring whatever areas of your body feel the most erogenous. Once you feel ready, you can apply some lube to your fingers and trace your labia—aka lips—or other parts of your genitalia.

To find the G-spot, many people find that inserting a finger or two a couple of inches inside the vagina and making the “come here” motion works fairly well. Or you can stay on the outside, tantalizing the external part of your clitoris with varying intensity. You can also masturbate without touching your genitals at all—by riding a pillow or even just fantasizing, without any touch, and letting your mind do all of the arousing. 

Experimenting with different types and speeds of stroking, using lube and slowing down can be helpful for inviting more pleasure, as can making sure you explore more than just your shaft, if you have a penis. And as you know, I love recommending toys: dildos, vibrators, cock rings…

Of course, there is so much more to solo play than these steps, and I love how unique we all are in how we go about it and what feels best. I am so delighted that four people—all of whom happen to be cisgender women—stepped up to speak with me about their favorite techniques. We also explored their masturbation journeys and tips for beginners or anyone who wants to try something new.

If you enjoy what you hear and want to explore some of the fun ideas you pick up, please head to thepleasurechest.com to check out awesome sex toys, lube and more. Check out the Pleasure Chest’s Sex Toy Primer,  if you want a toy, but you’re not sure where to start. 

HOLLY

So first, I spoke with Holly, a stay-at-home mom in the Northwest. Holly told me she was raised by a very progressive mom. Even so, sex wasn’t really talked about, nor was masturbation. And she spent a lot of time with a conservative, Christian family, whose more rigid rules around sex rubbed off on her a bit. Holly was also sexually abused during childhood and explored a bit sexually with other girls in her preteens. 

Holly

And all of that sort of became a glob of shame and not enough clear information, and nobody really talking [about sexuality or masturbation] other than the little bits you hear with your friends or you glean from the media, that type of thing. 

August

During her 20-year marriage to her kids’ dad, Holly’s ideas around sex started shifting. People she interacted with in-person and online were more open and accepting about sexuality than she was used to, and she liked that. She also wanted to provide a positive example for her kids.

Holly

And you know, as you’re older, you learn that there are a lot of things you’re embarrassed about that aren’t really that embarrassing once you realize that it’s totally normal and natural. And so, in trying to present sexuality in an open way to my kids, I sort of healed a lot of that in myself. 

But then in my marriage, there was a point where I realized this marriage was not really ever what I had hoped it was going to be or thought it was going to be. And that there wasn’t really any future for us in that marriage, because we wanted completely different things out of it. And so at that point, that was kind of when emotional disconnect started to happen with my ex-husband. And I sort of started to invest more in my own growth, I guess. And so part of that was, you know, no longer having a sexual partner.

Then I started exploring more of that myself, because I was like, well, I tell my kids all the time, this is completely natural. This is totally normal.And really the only experiences I had with that were not so great as a kid or a teenager. And so I started to explore more of myself. And then I was like, Oh, this is something kind of neat that I can do for myself exactly the way that I want to do it. There’s no compromise with anybody. It’s a normal thing. It’s maintenance. But it’s also something I can just kind of do for myself.

August

Since then, Holly masturbates regularly. She said the practice has become a means of meeting her own needs, now that she realizes its importance. And her favorite way to go about solo play is starting with nipple stimulation, using a cup-shaped vibrator. 

Holly

So with this cup-shaped vibrator, it has little nubs on the inside, and when it vibrates, then you get a little bit of light stimulation. From that, and it just goes right around your nipple. So I like that one and I kind of do sort of circles so it touches different parts of the nipple. And then once I’m feeling turned on enough at that point that I’m done with that, then I will move on to a bullet vibrator that I have. I really like that one. It’s very simple. And I really like a lot of clitoral stimulation and you can for me, I can get really good clitoral stimulation with that because again, place it really anywhere that I want it. 

And I think I have a fairly small area on my clitoris that’s really reactive. And it’s hard to get that otherwise. So I’ll use that. And it has varying speeds. So I’ll usually pick whatever feels good at the time. It really depends on the moment. And then that’s usually how I orgasm.

August

Holly said she pretty much only experiences orgasms externally. You might have heard this type of Big O called clitoral orgasm and internal ones called vaginal orgasms. But did you know that internal orgasms involve the clitoris, too? We only see a small part of the clitoris from the outside, and that small, highly sensitive part is where many people with vulvas orgasm best. Regardless, all orgasms are groovy. So are all methods of solo play. I loved Holly’s advice for beginners.

Holly

I would say if you haven’t really masturbated much before that, the main thing is, for me anyway, that it feel good. So sometimes a big part of masturbating isn’t always like clitoral stimulation or G-spot or anything like that. A lot of it is getting yourself into the mindset. So sometimes it might even be light touching on arms on a chest, even breasts, whatever part of the body.

So starting out really just touching your body and finding out what feels good to you. And it might not be a spot that you initially think is a spot that would be an erogenous zone, but for you, that feels really good and just starts to get you in the mood. It’s sort of like foreplay for sex, that type of thing. It’s foreplay for masturbation. It’s what gets you in the mood, what feels good. And sometimes, you might want it to be a longer session. Sometimes it might be really short. It’s really all about what you want at that moment and what feels good to you. There’s no prescription for it.

LENA

August

Next I spoke with Lena Corozan, a writer and sociology PhD. Lena said masturbation was a little daunting and a little scary early on—something that hadn’t really been discussed in her family environment. Solo play wasn’t even something her friends were talking about, she said. And that secrecy made it all the more intimidating.

Lena

I grew up Catholic, went to an all-girls high school. We talked about sexuality only in the context of, “One day, you’ll meet a man who you really love and care about. And together, there will be sparks and it’ll be this amazing, beautiful thing. Don’t give it up too early. Don’t do it with someone that you don’t really care about.” And that was the sex talk. But having this knowledge that I could touch myself that I could bring myself my own pleasure was sort of revolutionary.

August

One day young Lena was flipping through an issue of Cosmo during her senior year of high school when she came upon an article that featured “39 ways to please yourself.” Intrigued, she read the list and tucked it away for safekeeping.

Lena

And one night I just thought, you know what, I’m going to give this a try. And it was such an interesting and different experience that I kept doing, and that I finally decided for something that belonged to me and something that was solely my own. And that was really exciting.

August

Solo play became increasingly important to Lena, not only for fun and pleasure, but something she links to her identity as a feminist. She went from high school to a university in San Francisco, where she was part of a sociology department full of women she described as strong, staunch feminists—feminists who talked about sex in a way that wasn’t hush-hush, or taboo, but as matter-of-fact and important. 

Lena

And so coming to form a relationship with my own body, but also learning about the history of all the ways in which women’s bodies have not belonged to them, the ways in which male-dominated patriarchal societies, particularly here in the Western world, have sought to control and dominate women’s bodies. It’s something that continues to this day to be a battleground, knowing that owning my sexuality through solo play, really feels like just my small, tiny way of reclaiming that piece of me, something that’s been denied to women for so long. And that’s really come to be something very important.

August

As for how she goes about it, Lena said she enjoys external clit play and penetration, so she really enjoys toys. 

Lena

I’ve experimented with different kinds over the years: silicone, glass…really trying to decide the textures that work the best for me. I really like the kind of unyielding nature, the weight that comes from glass. I think there’s sort of temporary plastics that have been really popular of late—you know, ridges bumps on. Variation is really nice for me and is something that I really enjoy.

August

If you have a vulva and are new to solo play, Lena recommends having lubricants onhand — pun embraced — as a wonderful way to start, especially given that lubrication levels vary so much, depending on factors like the time of the month, taking certain medications and where you are emotionally. Beyond that, aim to really explore, guiding with some choice questions.

Lena

Do you like having your clit stimulated? Do you like a little penetration? Do you know where your G-spot is? And if so, using some different techniques in concert with one another can be really helpful. For myself, I’ll usually start with clit play, move into penetration and then just sort of go back and forth between the two.

August 

Lena enjoys added pleasure from piercings, if you’re looking for something a little more advanced or want to try something new. 

Lena

I have two, actually. I have a vertical hood piercing. So I have sort of an L shaped piercing that rests just above my clitoris. It doesn’t usually have any friction, but I can sort of move the two together, if I want to stimulate that part of my body. I also have a triangle piercing. So not everyone’s anatomy can accommodate a triangle piercing. Mine can. And so that gives me some extra pressure along where my G-spot is, and just kind of provides a little bit more than sort of my fingers or toys can provide on their own.

August

There are a bunch of different kinds of vulva/clitoris piercings, and hood piercings are both the most popular and considered the safest for most people. If you’re considering such a piercing, make sure you work with a qualified professional to lower the risk of nerve damage, which can happen if it’s done incorrectly.

August

Next, we’ll learn from Shannon K, a chemist and foodie who first masturbated around the age of 14. By that point, she said she hadn’t really explored “down there” at all. But she had heard hints of “this could be kind of nice” on the internet and decided solo sex was worth trying.

Shannon

And so I went for it, and I did get off. But when I got off, I thought that I was having a stroke. I was like, wow, I should never do that again.

August

A couple of years later, she realized what she had actually experienced and started up again. One thing Shannon credits for allowing her to eventually embrace solo play was having very open parents, who assumed she was going to have a sexual life.

Shannon

There were a couple times when I was at a hotel for something or another with my dad, and he’s like, “If you’re going to use the hotel room for sex, you put a sock on the door handle, because I don’t want to walk in on you.” I just looked at him like, I’m not interested in any of that. In fact, even though I masturbate quite often now and I’m generally a very sexual person, I did not start having sex until 19. So everyone has their own pace for going through all of this stuff.

August

During college, Shannon decided to invest some money into her solo play practice—20 bucks, which was a lot for her then—for a bullet vibrator. It ate up batteries, she said, but it was awesome.

Shannon

I also didn’t have my own room, so the only time I masturbated was in the shower. Luckily, the bullet vibe was waterproof, and I really didn’t use anything else. It was bullet vibrator on my clit and fingers up my vagina. And I did it enough to keep the tension at bay to make sure that I wasn’t just oozing sexuality everywhere, or you know, that’s what it felt like at the time. 

August

Shannon’s solo play life has really evolved since then. So much so, she has a whole ritual that involves tasty food, some good reading material, toys and a whole lot of pleasure she no longer feels the need to rush through.

Shannon

Usually I start with a glass of wine and a shrimp cocktail. It’s easy to make because there’s no cooking involved, but very relaxing and feels decadent. Then while I’m eating the shrimp cocktail, I’ll read a romance or fanfiction, until I’m in the mood to go to town, you know? I’ll start with some clit play. For this, in particular, I found a really fantastic toy that looks like a sucker on an octopus’s leg and actually does suck on the clit. I’ll usually put down a little lube and then use that. The lube helps make a seal so that it pulls more on my clit and really brings out the sensations. Now I’m personally a multiple orgasm kind of person, though that doesn’t represent everyone. So when I start doing this, I’ll keep going until I’ve gotten off at least once or twice.

August

By this point, Shannon is still reading her romance or fanfiction. She said it feels a little naughty to be trying two things at once. That all keeps a sense of tension going, she said, and makes it all more fun.

Shannon

After that, I’ll take out a dildo. I have a couple that I’ll use, depending on how hard I’m in the mood for or how big the dildo is. I’ll put some lube on the dildo, and then go to town using both the dildo and the clit sucker. I’ll do this until I’ve gotten off a couple times. And then usually I’ll need a break. I’ll cool off for five minutes or so and then go again. And then cool off for five minutes or so and then go again. 

August

So that’s the basis for Shannon’s solo play routine, which she sometimes mixes up, depending on how she’s feeling physically and emotionally. If her nipples are feeling particularly sensitive, for example, she’ll use nipple clips that she made out of clothesline clips. 

Shannon

And for some reason, they’re just the right amount of pressure that I’ll use those my nips and then That gives a little bit of extra tension, which can bring the masturbation up to the next level.

August

Speaking of leveling up, there’s a whole lot of that in Kirsten’s story. When I spoke with the long-time mental health counselor, energy healer and spiritual teacher, she said first masturbated around age six, and she doesn’t quite remember exactly how or when she started.

Kirsten

But I had a stuffed animal and I figured out that I could get it just in the right place and kind of thrust on it and I could get myself off and I just thought it was wonderful. 

Fortunately, I was raised by just my dad and he was really positive. I feel so grateful for that because I remember him walking into my room and I was just watching TV but I had my legs splayed and I had this huge snake stuffed animal that I was just like, sort of slithering down between my legs. And he opened the door and was like, “Oh, sorry!” and just close the door. There was no weirdness. There was just like this, Oh, I was in your space and you were being private. I had a lot of support around my sexuality, so I feel grateful for that.

August

Today, Kirsten’s favorite solo play technique is using her hands to play with her clit, using a particular technique. And can I just say how much I’m loving the love lube is getting today?

Kirsten

…and I usually find that kind of getting an even stroke going on one side is my happy place. I love lube. I think lube is really good. I have really found that I like jojoba oil because it’s really close in content to like what human skin oils are like, and it’s nontoxic and easy to come by. So that’s a favorite of mine. 

August

Jojoba oil may be a good option for you, too, if you have sensitive skin or find commercial lubricants irritating. Oils also tend to last longer than water-based lubes, which make them great for solo play during a shower or bath. Just don’t use any oil-based lubes with condoms or latex toys, because they can damage latex. 

Kirsten uses toys occasionally, too, although her fingers remain her mainstay. There are certain circumstances in which she has found toys particularly helpful.

Kirsten

If I really want to get to my G-spot, I have a toy that has a nice curve in it. And I’ve only just gotten into my G-spot now in my 50s, which has been a really fun discovery. So I encourage you to check it out sooner if you can. 

August

Using the right type of toy tends to be important for G-spot play, as Kirsten has learned. You’ll want a toy designed for penetration, such as a dildo. And many G-spot toys also tantalize the external clit with, such as rabbit-style vibrators. 

Now back to external play for a minute. What if you want that kind of pleasure fast—a solo play quickie—and you don’t have access to a toy? Well, that’s when Kirsten gets creative.

Kirsten

I’ve actually, at times, when I’ve been in like a situation where. . . I don’t know, I just need to make it happen fast, electric toothbrushes can work really well, the backside of them, in a pinch. 

August

Some of you are thinking, um, what? And I’m sure some of you were nodding along in “so have I” fashion. 

Here’s what’s important to know about this method. Some experts discourage it, and I understand why. But also, what if you can’t afford or don’t have access to a quality vibe? Or live in a place where you would get punished for exploring your sexuality? These issues are very real for many people. So here are a few safety tips. 

I love that Kirsten has only used an electric toothbrush externally, rather than for penetration. That’s important because toothbrushes tend to hold on to bacteria, which you don’t want traveling through your insides. Apparently many folks swear by the Tingle Tip, a small electric toothbrush head, which is around $25. You could buy one to keep on hand just for solo play purposes. Just make sure you clean it well between uses.

Back to Kirsten’s journey. She told me her body has changed a great deal over the years, after having children and now that she’s in perimenopause, or perhaps menopause, now. And these changes, paired with experience and how she and her partner have responded to them, have added special meaning and importance to her solo play practice.

Kirsten

Being able to really stay in touch with myself and like, Oh, I really need a lot more stimulation right now in this way than I did before. Like after my kids were born, I wanted a lot more clitoral stimulation just in my own masturbation. But then I also was like, that’s gonna help my husband to know we need to do a lot more of this kind of play before anything else happens, because I just had united had an episiotomy. There was tenderness for a long time, a lot longer than you would think. That was important, to keep intune with myself over time.

And then I’ve noticed that it really does help for me to be able to communicate with him more. We’ve been married 24 years, but really, I feel like we’ve evolved over time to just getting better and better at being more explicit around sexuality and what we want to need and we’ve always talked about it, but it just seems like we just keep getting better. And the more I can really be clear about what I like and what I don’t like and what works and what doesn’t work, he just gets to be really successful. And that makes us both happy. 

August

That’s something that I think gets missed pretty often in conversations around solo play. Some people think of masturbation as an activity primarily for people who aren’t sexually active with anyone else. But, not only can it be completely hot and fun to do along with a partner—side by side, facing each other, or remotely together while you’re connected by phone—but having your own solo play practice is such an awesome way to learn about and take are of your body, whether you’re single or not. And if you are in a relationship, what you learn will almost surely help.

Given what she’s learned over the years, and her expertise in mental health, I asked Kirsten what she would say to someone who’s experiencing shame around solo sex exploration.

Kirsten

I would just say be really kind to yourself. Be as gentle as you can with yourself because shame is really hard and nobody wants to get anywhere near it. I would really encourage sort of looking at it as like, it’s shame that didn’t start out with you. It’s not really yours. It’s something somebody else put on you. And there’s this beautiful opportunity to kind of reclaim your natural body, your natural relationship to pleasure, your natural vitality and humanness. If you’re feeling shame about it, something was taken away from you, and that wasn’t your fault. And so if you can stay really gentle and kind and know that it’s not really yours in one way, and stay with it, that it’s worth it. Because bodies are great and we only have this one chance, you know, to be a human, to get to do pleasure in this way. And I really believe that pleasure brings us more deeply into the body, into our humanness, into our uniqueness.  And so I just think it’s critical. To be a human is to be able to be in pleasure in that way.

August

I couldn’t agree more. In my Girl Boner book, I shared more benefits of what I called Jill-ing Off (get it? Jack and Jill…jacking off…) Anyway, here are a few more perks you can invite by prioritizing pleasure through solo play:

• Better sleep
• Boosted moods
• Better managed depression and anxiety – although it can’t replace treatment
• Improved body image
• Increased awareness of your body and turn-ons
• Improved sexual self-esteem
• Improved partner sex
• Less stress
• More mindfulness 
• Reduced physical pain, such as headaches
• Strengthened immune function
• And eased or prevented menopausal symptoms

All pretty great, right? You can learn more in Chapter 6 of Girl Boner: How to Slay at Solo Play.  I hope you all appreciated what Holly, Lena, Shannon and Kirsten shared as much as I did. 

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Stream the full episode, which includes tips from dating empowerment coach, Erin Tillman, on ways to bring up your sexual desires to a partner and when to tell someone you’re dating that you’re bisexual (or any other sexual orientation), scroll up or find Girl Boner Radio on your favorite podcast app.