I could feel his eyes undressing me through the camera. It made my skin crawl and sent nausea swirling through my insides—but I felt safe, protected. I was surrounded by the makeup artist, the stylist and the photographer’s production team. As a model, it was my job to seduce the camera. That day a world renowned photographer stood on the other side. It never crossed my mind to express my discomfort.
When we finally finished, I left in a hurry, desperate to be anywhere but there. I was a good mile away when I realized I’d left my portfolio, the big black book of photos I needed more than just about anything professionally. I had more castings that day, for jobs I wouldn’t likely book without it.
SHIT!
I raced back to the photographer’s studio, through throngs of pedestrians, hoping and praying that the crew would still be there. But when the photographer opened the door, I saw no one, just him.
Today, I never would have gone back, or if I had, I would have listened to my instincts as the door opened. RUN! they screamed. Get out. He’s a monster.
Instead, I told myself I’d make this quick. Grab the book and leave.
“Ah…” he said, his French accent apparent in every syllable. “Forget something?”
He held the book up, tauntingly. I grasped it, feeling momentary relief. In a second, I could go.
I mumbled polite words, the kind nice girls and good models say. I thanked him.
Then he pulled me close and kissed me hard on the lips. As he forced his nicotine-soaked tongue in my mouth (cringing as I write this), I punched him in the nose with all of my might.
I have no idea where that reaction came from—perhaps the zillions of thrillers I’d consumed played a role. I hadn’t hit anyone ever, that I recalled.
He stumbled back, spouting what could only have been French profanities. I ran as fast as my shaky legs could carry me from the place, clutching my portfolio, afraid he might follow me. Luckily, he didn’t.
When I called my booker at my agency and shared what had happened, he seemed far more concerned about the famous photographer than me.
“How could you hit him?” he scolded. “Do you know who he is?”
For years, I told people I was one of the “lucky ones,” who’d never been sexually assaulted. Assault was something that happened in dark alleys, I’d thought, perpetrated by masked strangers who lurked in the night. Now I know that my fortune was only that it hadn’t been worse.
The Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network defines sexual assault as “a crime of power and control…sexual contact or behavior that occurs without explicit consent of the victim.” Any unwanted touch of a sexual nature is assault, and the repercussions can be fierce and long-lasting.
In light of the Trump tape release, I’ve heard people downplay the violence Trump joked and boasted about (which is very, very different from talking about sex, by the way), chalking it up to “normal guy talk.” Some have said grabbing another’s crotch without consent isn’t actually assault. “It’s not like he raped her,” one person wrote. “What’s the big deal?” Such talk may be relatively common, but it’s not remotely normal or natural or healthy or non-criminal. And any touch, sans consent, is a very big deal. Countless people of all genders, including many men, get this.
Anyone who doesn’t has been misled by toxic masculinity, this idea that predatory talk and behavior make a guy not hurtful, but a man. Each time someone deems it “every guy” behavior, they are admitting to their own contributions to rape culture.
If you’re in the camp of “everyone” or “every guy” talks and acts this way, and I say this with compassion, you are part of the problem. If in reading that, you feel defensive, please think about this:
What if you are contributing to rape culture? Wouldn’t you want to make changes? (Unless you’re a dangerous sociopath, I’m almost sure the answer would be YES.) What harm is there is considering another way?
I share all of this because I don’t think the problem is merely Trump, but the darkness prevalent in our culture. It can be minimized, with comprehensive sex ed from early childhood on, more conversations about consent, sexual violence and toxic masculinity, encouraging all genders to see vulnerability, sensitivity and respect as strengths, not weakness, and never, ever blaming victims and survivors of rape and assault. We’d all benefit from a more compassionate, respectful world. I believe it’s possible.
In response to the Trump tapes, many people have been sharing their stories of surviving assault. If you’d like to share one below, please feel free. If you’ve changed your own stance on what defines sexual assault, or have other respectful thoughts or questions to share, I’d love to hear from you. Sending love and light all around.
Thank you for this post, August, and for sharing your story. That guy sounds uber creepy and disgusting, and bravo for you that you socked him one!
People don’t always realize how great the impact can be. They may think, “Oh, it’s just fondling,” or “just a kiss.” There’s no “just” involved when it’s done without consent. Especially when the victim is a child, teen or even young woman, still trying to figure out the world, still vulnerable and insecure about their own sexuality.
Indeed, I had several psychotherapy clients who were pretty severely traumatized by adults “just” talking about sex to them in graphic detail when they were preteens.
So well said, Kassandra – no “just” about it. Given your experience, you know better than most anyone. Thanks so much for weighing in.
You did the right thing, August. What else could have happened if you hadn’t clearly shown him that you’re not into this? Probably much worse. You defended yourself. A clear statement! BRAVO!!!
Thanks, AJ! I consider myself lucky, and have since taken a self-defense class.
I have people in my life that are staunch Trump supporters. I love them, even though I think they’ve made a horrible choice. But what I really want to know is – are they okay with him doing this to their daughter? Mother? Still waiting for an answer that isn’t “But so-and-so did….” Doesn’t matter. They’re all part of the problem. And I am one of the lucky ones, but I’ve had my share of inappropriate touches, grabs, and forced kisses. That photographer deserved so much more than a punch in the nose! Good for you! I just hope that one good thing can come from Trump’s behavior. Hopefully it will shine a light on this dark aspect of our culture and exposes it for what it is – WRONG!
So much love to you, Serena. I’m sure MANY relate to those words….and I completely agree that one good that can come from these complex and zany times is broader understanding of that darkness. It was there before the election, and will remain, until we do lots and lots of work as a society. It starts with each of us, and it seems to me you’re doing brilliantly there.
Thank you SO much for this powerful piece, August! You inspire me on a regular basis, and I’m proud to know you!
That means a great deal, Emily. I’m proud to know you, too!
Thank you for your post. The Trump “locker room talk” certainly rivals the string of broken female lives left in the wake of a misogynistic Bill Clinton, but that didn’t stop people from voting for him…Twice.
Sadly, I relate all to well. With me, it was a doctor whose care I had been in for cancer for five years. When I told my female friends, one of them challenged me publicly, saying he was an excellent doctor, and that in all the years she had been going to him, he had never molested HER. Women can sometimes be worse than the men.
I’m so sorry you relate, Piper. What happened sounds absolutely heartbreaking – both the assault and that friend’s reaction. One of the most important things we can do when someone confides in us is believe them.
Yes, that is sexual assault. He kissed you without your permission. You obviously didn’t consent. I’m sorry you went through this.
Thank you, Ani.
I have to admit some of my hatred of DT and people like him has selfish roots. They make me feel guilty for my sexuality and afraid to talk about. I am attracted to beautiful women, but there is a difference between appreciating beauty and trying to possess it. I’m so sorry for what was done to you. Thank you for sharing yourself and inspiring me.
So sorry you’ve had to deal with DT’s hurtfulness, Drew. I don’t think it’s selfish to dislike someone for contributing to your pain, and hope we all have continually less reason. Sending love and light!
I am so proud of the way you handled that situation and that it turned out ok and he didn’t come after you. I had a similar situation where an acquaintance groped and fondled me and I just froze. Luckily after a minute or so of this, a couple of other people came near and he stopped, and I was able to get out. I have not seen him since and avoided places where he might be.
I wish I would’ve had the courage to do what you did. He was a man though and bigger than me. I am only five foot two inches, and I’m afraid if I would have tried to fight back, it might have been worse for me and there would have been nothing I could have done.
I’m so sorry that happened to you, Sarah. No one should have to endure such things. I’ve experienced the freeze (versus fight or flight) response in other scenarios, too—all three are so natural. For what it’s worth, I think you’re equally courageous. Much love.