How can you better express yourself authentically, understand your desires and get what you want in the bedroom?
These issues can feel a bit complicated, given factors like wonky societal messaging. Thankfully, we can learn to navigate them, leading not only to greater understanding of our sexual wants and needs but to less shame and richer lives.
I recently sat down with holistic sexual empowerment coach Christie Federico, M.Ed to explore ways to effectively do so. Her mission to help others align all parts of their lives, with a focus on deeper meaning, connection and pleasure, stems from a deeply personal place.
Christie said she struggled in these areas for much of her life. Familial and societal messages led her to question her worthiness and attempt to adapt to fit particular and prohibitive molds.
“When you’re so young and impressionable, when you learn what’s acceptable and not, and you realize that you’re not that, you either have to change or feel not enough…not lovable and not accepted,” she said, adding that altering herself led to struggle with her body image, social interactions and, especially, romantic relationships. “That is really why I’m so passionate about the work I do of helping people feel fully expressed and alive and confident and live the life that they deeply want for themselves.”
Learn more about Christie’s journey and ways to connect with your desires and better flourish not only sexually, but in all life areas, by listening to our Girl Boner Radio chat on Apple Podcasts or here! ⬇︎Read on for a few highlights and related tips.
⥉5 Ways to Discover What You Really Want in Bed
1 Don a mindset of curiosity and exploration.
To really discover and connect with your desires, curiosity is a must-have. When you pair it with a willingness to explore new terrain, magic can happen. As Dr. Megan Fleming reminded us, “We know what we know and we don’t know what we don’t know.” So commit to exploring with an open, curious mind. Do so on your own or with a partner(s), whichever feels most comfortable.
2 Let your mind wander to sexy places.
Arousal is both physical and mental, but it starts in the mind. That’s one reason fantasizing is such a powerful way to connect with your wants and experience more fun and pleasure in the bedroom—or where ever else your fantasies.
“I think we underestimate the power of the mind,” said Christie.
She’s so right. Try fantasizing as a sort of spicy meditation, closing your eyes and seeing what comes up as you ponder your turn-ons. Revisit a past sexy experience, daydream-style, or read or watch some erotica for a creative boost.
3 Move to music.
Christie loves moving to music as a way to tap into sexual energy. She not only values it personally, but has worked it into her teachings because of its benefits. Moving to music can help you explore desire in subtler ways we didn’t quite get to in this conversation, she said, and help you feel sexy and turned on.
“A lot of womxn never feel sexier than when they’re dancing or like a fun song comes on and they can just move their hips and really tap into that sexual energy,” she said. “So I always recommend some experimentation with music and movement in that way.”
4 Start with baby steps.
You don’t have to build a sex dungeon or dangle naked from the ceiling to deepen your sexy-self connection or experience a sense of erotic adventure—though, of course, have at either if ones calls! If you’re interested in trying something that feels relatively bold or extreme, take Megan’s advice and “put your toe in the water,” versus diving straight into the deep end.
Sometimes fantasizing about a sexy-thing ends up being hotter than actually engaging in it. Or you might end up enjoying the activity more than you’d imagined. Either way, proceeding gradually can ease the process and safeguard you from sudden discomfort or confusion along the way.
5 Check in with yourself.
Staying attuned with your wants and needs is important for expressing your authentic sexuality, so make both priority.
“Be openminded and curious and as often as you can,” said Christie. “Tune into yourself and go with any clues as to what feels good—emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Go In that direction and you won’t be sorry.”
Daryl Smith says
I actual know what I really want in bed. It’s just getting the wife to go along with it is the difficult part!
It took two marriages, and two affairs to discover and to learn that each unique relationship with each unique lover created its own unique sexual likes in preforming sex.
Jackson gilbert says
I felt this was spot on for how men feel when they are with a woman that they have true feelings for! Now I have been that guy in the past that was only with the girl to “get mine” but in every relationship that I cared for the woman as more than a sexual partner, I did everything to bring them pleasure over my own. One of my favorite things to do, is watching her get ready in the morning and basking in her natural beauty as she masks it with make-up and clothes.