Did you know that the more mindfulness you practice in your daily life, the more pleasure you’ll experience during sex? Research published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy linked mindfulness and sex with greater relationship satisfaction and more positive self-esteem. I personally believe that finding ways to be more present can help us stay connected with our sexuality, our partner or partners and, most importantly, with ourselves.
I’ve heard from several folks recently who shared challenges related to not feeling present—feeling distracted or stressed out—for understandable reasons. With everything happening in the world lately, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed at times. This week’s Girl Boner Radio episode features a question from a listener, Penny, who can’t seem to settle into sex the way she used to. If your mind buzzes during sex or other types of intimacy, I think you’ll appreciate Dr. Megan’s thoughts on that.
Here’s another thing I noticed about messages I’ve been receiving. Many of them focus on sex, which makes sense. This is Girl Boner, after all, and when we think about pleasure interference, it’s easy to focus on an area of our lives where we hope for lots of pleasure…or one that affects not only us, but a partner.
Sometimes, though, we need to focus on the rest of our lives first. If we can’t feel present outside of the bedroom, how can we expect to suddenly do so once we’re getting busy? In that way, feeling frazzled during sex, or too frazzled to think about sex in the first place, can serve as a sort of guide post.
The same day that I received Penny’s question, I spotted an Instagram post on 6 ways to be present by Dr. Claretha Yeager, DACM, a doctor of Chinese medicine, licensed acupuncturist, Reiki Master/Teacher and spiritual mentor in Chicago. She holds healing space for physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual wellbeing—which seemed for timely for all of us here in Girl Boner land. I’m so grateful she agreed to chat with me about those 6 steps. I felt more peaceful just talking with her and hope you’ll find similar peace in listening (or reading).
Hear our Girl Boner chat on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or below! Read on for lightly edited transcripts.
While you’re at all of this, I recommend giving orgasmic meditation a try: setting aside time to explore your body slowly, whether for 5 minutes for 20 or 30. You can work toys in, for fun, or add a massage candle to the mix for added warmth and relaxation. The Pleasure Chest offers a few options, including the Kama Sutra Massage Candle the Raspberry Sex Pheremone Massage Candle. To create the feel of a sensual vacation at home, which can be so mindful and fun and exotic-feeling, check out their Weekend Getaway items under Featured Collections. Head to thepleasurechest.com or click the link down in the show notes to start shopping.
Now, please enjoy the wisdom of Dr. Claretha Yeager. Before we got to her 6 tips, I asked her if she had grown up prioritizing awareness and being more present if if it’s been more of a learning curve.
Dr. Claretha Yeager
Definitely a learning curve, definitely a learning curve. I had horrible, horrible anxiety all through grad school. And it was about four years of Chinese medicine school so lots of testing and things, like presenting, and the anxiety was kind of wrapped up in insomnia, too. So, I was a mess for those four years for sure. And it wasn’t until I had finished school that I started to look at why the anxiety was affecting me so much. And it was because I wasn’t in the present moment.
I was always worrying about what I did in the past, you know, just kind of ruminating, judging things or decisions that I’ve made and then also kind of turning my attention to the future and worrying about what the next thing was. What do I need to prepare for, just kind of always looking at what was coming down the pipe versus being in the present moment, and I so wish I had understood that better during my schooling but it wasn’t until after I got out and started to work with people one on one that I was like, Oh, this is what we’re talking about when we’re talking about mindfulness and just being in your body and being present.
After I understood that I started to seek out different teachers and different practices that were able to support me in that. And it basically took care of my anxiety and my insomnia in one shot. I mean, it took practice. But once I understood how to better be in the moment and just not worry about the past or be anxious about the future, it really changed my energy and I was able to relax a little bit more. And that sort of changed everything, every relationship in my life for sure.
August McLaughlin
That’s really beautiful. And I can see why your work comes across as so empathetic because you really understand this journey. And the fact that you talked about it as a practice, that’s something I’ve noticed in your work and other work that I find really impactful is that it’s not about this quick move: this “just hit a button” or “decide to stop worrying.” If only, right? That would be lovely.
So, you shared some wonderful tips [on Instagram]. The first you shared was watch your breath. We hear about breath being really important. What does that actually mean to watch your breath?
Dr. Claretha Yeager
Great question. Yeah, watching the breath is so important. And I put that as number one on the Tips to Being Present because breath is life. And when I say “watch your breath,” I mean to pay attention to your breathing first and foremost, and turn your lens inward and follow the air moving in and out of your body. So whether you want to do it with your eyes closed, you know, you can follow the air that goes in your nose and down your throat and into your lungs during the inhale. And then there’s that split second where things turn and then you’re exhaling. And the air goes out of your lungs and out of your nose. That constant in and out is what gives us life.
And I think it’s really important to breathe from the lower abdomen. They talk a lot about this in yoga, watching the belly rise and fall because you want to be breathing fully. You want to use the full expanse of your inhalation and your exhalation. And breathing from the lower abdomen is much better for the body to relax that sympathetic nervous system, which is like the fight-or-flight system in our bodies.
When we are breathing from our belly, we’re able to turn that system off or slow it down. A lot of us chest breathe. One of my teachers used to call it little Dixie cups of breath. It’s from the upper chest and it’s very shallow and very quick and that is not good for our systems. That actually ramps our systems up and can create sort of like stress in the body, in the system, so to speak. So watching your breath, being mindful of the breath coming all the way in and all the way down and then all the way from the lower belly, all the way back out, can already start to slow your energetic system, slow your nervous system and help your body, your physiological body, slow down.
August McLaughlin
It was so interesting because as soon as you start talking about that, I think it’s almost impossible to not start noticing your breath and just start feeling more connected to your body.
Dr. Claretha Yeager
Yeah, absolutely. And it’s just that awareness, because we’re breathing all the time, right? But oftentimes, it’s something that is on autopilot. Thank goodness. Thank you, body. But it’s really important to pay attention to that and how we are breathing when we are trying to slow down and be present.
August McLaughlin
Yes, for sure. And I can see why that would lead in so well to your next tip, which was to feel your body, because as you’re noticing your breath, you do start noticing your body. Talk about this mental scan that you mentioned.
Dr. Claretha Yeager
I kind of use the analogy of a sonar beam, like those movies with submarines. They send out this electrical pulse, this sonar wave, to see what’s in the vicinity, basically. Oftentimes, I’ll instruct my acupuncture patients to start at their head and send sort of a sonar scan from their head through their throat, through their upper body, lower body, legs, feet and back up, all the way to their head, and to take note of how your body feels.
And this brings the way you’re holding your body unconsciously, into your awareness. So you start to notice like, Oh is my lower back tight? Am I sucking in my gut, or my shoulders, and my ears? A lot of people clench their jaw, sleeping and awake, and they don’t realize that. So you doing this mental scan, doing this body sonar wave, allows you to also become aware of the other little kinks where the energy is tied up in your body in order for you to breathe into that area, if you need to, or at least soften it to allow blood and energy to flow to further relax your body.
August McLaughlin
That makes so much sense. And it’s so interesting to me how we can have that tenseness and not even really realize it. I mean, obviously, if we’re asleep, we might not, but when we’re doing this scan, if we have tenseness in our jaw, we might not even notice it. Does that happen a lot where people don’t realize the tenseness they’re holding until they check in?
Dr. Claretha Yeager
Yeah, it does, absolutely. I mean, I do it myself. I go through periods when I’ve got a little bit more on my plate and I’ll start thinking about something and my jaw will kind of tense up and go to one side because my thoughts are tied up. So, it’s almost like your physical body holds your mental energy in certain areas and certain pockets of your body. And so when your mind gets a little tied up or stressed out, it’s like that energy can also affect the physical body. And so people do it more than you think. It’s information that our body’s trying to send to us. And unless we’re paying attention, we might not even get the signal that something’s tight.
August McLaughlin
I love that idea that the body is sending us these messages, because that allows us to then welcome them to listen and to hone in, which I know is what all of this has so much to do with. So reciting a word or mantra. Of course, as a writer, I’m big into mantras, sayings and affirmations. And you even talk about even using a syllable. How powerful can using mantras be?
Dr. Claretha Yeager
Yeah, super powerful. When we use a word, or use a mantra, or even a syllable on repeat, that repetition calms us down. It sort of soothes the brain. And so whatever word or sound or mantra resonates with you the most—and I like the word resonates because the words that we speak hold a frequency. Words are powerful—you have to pick something that resonates with you. And by repeating that it, will give your mind something to focus on, to kind of bring you to the present moment. So, it can be simple, like “Om.”
Counting is a really powerful way that my mom taught me, when she was teaching me how to drive a stick shift, back in the day. I would get a little anxious with traffic and things like that because with driving a stick shift, there’s an extra step. And so she used to just be like, “Okay, just start counting.” You know, “1, 2, 3….” And it would calm me down, bring me in the moment. And it would help me release the anxiety about learning how to drive a stick shift.
So counting, a single word, multiple words. It can be a mantra or an affirmation. I think it’s important to find something that works for you. Because what works for another person might not necessarily work for you, but it does give the mind something to focus on. And so it calms you down and reins in your awareness into where you are now.
August McLaughlin
I appreciate that so much. It’s making me think of grounding exercises that are used in a therapy, for working through trauma or feeling activated by certain things, where a phrase can be helpful. Having something that’s so meaningful, as you said, can in a way retrain your brain or bring you back to your center for sure.
The next step that you shared really makes me think, because it’s not the first thing we leap to when we think about with silence—listening to it. Usually we think silence means almost the opposite.
Claretha Yeager
So there are very select areas, I think, where you can get in the country where there actually is total silence. I said it that way because oftentimes when we’re busy, whether we’re feeling anxious or sad or worried or overwhelmed, we’re not aware of our environment and whether it’s silent or not. I say this a lot to patients and clients. Notice what you notice and identify what you hear because you’re always picking up information.
Our bodies are these wonderful bio-mechanisms that offer us so much information internally and externally. And whether you hear traffic or birds outside your window, or the wind moving through the trees, or the hum of your refrigerator, there’s an amazing amount of information that is always around us. It’s amazing that our body can pick up so much of it. And it’s also amazing how we don’t acknowledge it a lot of the time, especially when we get tied up in our world, in what we’re doing, and our to-do lists and things like that. So my encouragement for when you’re feeling like you need to be present is just closing your eyes and just tuning into what sounds are available to you in your environment. And actually soak them in and take the time to listen.
August McLaughlin
That’s really lovely. I love the idea of observing what the sounds are. Because when things are really hectic and we’re hearing a lot of sounds and noise, if they feel stressful, I imagine observing them instead and going, “Oh, there’s a sound,” might actually be soothing.
Dr. Claretha Yeager
Yeah. Observing the sound, not engaging with it, not judging or attaching to it, really helps to put you in that observer phase.
August McLaughlin
Yeah, I could see that. The next step that you mentioned is one that I really love. Personally, I think I’ve mentioned to you that I love active meditation, for example. So you said to focus on movement. Tell us about that. What you mean by movement and how that can bring us into the present.
Dr. Claretha Yeager
It’s kind of like listening, you know? Oftentimes we’re not paying attention to our own body, to how our own body might be moving, or where our body is in space. Especially simple movements that we do repeatedly, I think, can really help to bring us present, if we turn all of our awareness onto what we’re doing.
So whether it’s washing your hands or brushing your teeth. Do you brush your teeth the same way every day? Most people do. Putting on your shoes, really put your awareness in your feet and really feel what it means to put on your socks. Slip your foot into the shoe, notice the additional tension as you tie the laces.
If you just kiss your partner goodbye—if they’re going off to work every day—really put your attention onto what you’re doing. Slowing down and focusing on the movement takes you out of your head and puts you in the moment. We get so many opportunities to do this every day. And there’s a lot of things that we take for granted that we do every day. So if we just come to the moment with more presence, using all of our senses, it can be a totally different experience.
August McLaughlin
That’s another one of those things, like the holding tenseness in our bodies. We can be unaware that we’re even moving, you know? There have been times where I’m really busy with work. And then I’m like, Wait. Did I eat lunch? Did I give my dog the right treat? When we do a physical thing, it’s amazing we can be that disconnected.
Dr. Claretha Yeager
Yeah, absolutely. I did that the other day with my keys. I was looking at them through the mail and doing different things. And then I’m like, Where did I drop my keys? I put them in the same spot most days but my attention was so focused on the other things that I was looking at—mail, my phone, and whatever—five other things at the same time. I was just like, Wow! I was really not present to that. I have no recollection of putting my keys in this other spot. It’s amazing how the brain is able to navigate the focus versus non focus.
August McLaughlin
Your last tip that you shared in that post was to get out in nature, which feels incredibly therapeutic right now, if you have any access. I think we’ve all been relying on any chance we get, if we can, but I think it’s also something that we can take for granted and maybe not get the most out of. So how does this tie into presence?
Dr. Claretha Yeager
Yeah, I know you love nature and the outdoors and the sunshine… I love being outside. I was raised in the Pacific Northwest. And there’s tons of nature there. And now I’m in Chicago, so it takes a little bit more planning to get out in nature. And it’s so important because nature is such a natural reset for the body because being surrounded by a large forest of trees or large bodies of water allows you to soak up all of the negative ions that nature produces.
When we’re around our electronics and things, we get a lot of positive ions which, even though it’s positive ions, it’s not the best for our physical body. So being in nature kind of helps to counteract all of that, which is super helpful at a cellular level. Being in the dirt, putting your feet on the ground, your bare feet on the ground, is really great for grounding the energy that moves in your body. We’re like large appliances. And when there’s a little too much energy in our body, it’s helpful to have a grounding cord to disperse that energy. And we can do that with our bare feet on the ground. Being in the sunshine helps to regulate our sleep-wake cycle. Aside from just the beauty and those physical benefits, there’s so much more information for all of our senses to absorb when we’re outside—all five of our senses.
It also seems like time slows down. If you remember when you were a kid, if you grew up near a lake or a beach, spending the day outside—it seemed like two days or three days—it seemed so long, like the hours were stretched. Whereas nowadays where most people work inside, it’s like the day goes by so fast. It’s so different the way we perceive time when we’re in nature versus when we’re in a completely man-made environment. And so nature is really therapeutic for us.
August McLaughlin
I hadn’t even thought about that, the impact it has on our time perception. I hear so many people say, “Oh, the time flying by, the days are flying by—almost a way of grieving—I can’t believe how much time went by and I didn’t get to experience it fully.” So, I could see that being a really helpful tool to feel like you got more out of your day.
Dr. Claretha Yeager
Absolutely. It always bums me out when I get towards the end of the summer. And, you know, I’ve been working too much and been inside too much and all of a sudden the leaves start to change. And I’m like, Ah, I missed it! And it always kind of brings me back to the present. And I’m like, Okay, I need to really observe more of this and be more present to the change of season, every season. I just get reminded of the preciousness of the time that goes by and spending time outside really reflects that.
August McLaughlin
I love that. More tools and more listening. There’s listening in all of these, isn’t there? A sense of observing everything. Listening even to the seasons and nature and all of it.
Dr. Claretha Yeager
Yeah, it’s all connected.
August McLaughlin
So, if somebody wants to create a stillness practice, maybe they’ve heard some of these tips before or they’re generally aware, like, It’d be good for me to be more mindful and more present, but they want to intentionally create a practice, especially in current times, what would you recommend?
Dr. Claretha Yeager
You can make it as difficult or as easy as you want. It’s not necessary to spend two hours a day on a mountaintop to just find stillness. It can be five minutes a day sitting in your car. I think finding some alone time is the first step in that. So, whether you can fit it in your day prior to the rest of your house waking up—if you’ve got other people in your home or if it’s like during lunch—it’s important to carve out time for yourself.
And then, depending on what you feel resonates with you the best, you can do just breathing. That’s a really simple way to start, just putting one hand on your heart, one hand on your lower belly, and just observing your breath. There are also a ton of meditation apps that offer a wide variety of things from guided meditations to very common sounds that are soothing to the brain, like a mountain stream or like birds chirping, that type of thing. And Insight Timer is one that I recommend to a ton of people. It’s a free app and it has a ton of opportunities there.
I also have a five-minute guided grounding meditation, if anybody is interested in that, but I think it’s so important to carve out time to reconnect with that pure essence of who you are and that larger aspect of you that is divine, because it’s hard to do that when we’re so externally focused like we are in our current culture. And knowing your innermost self, I think, is the best way to sort of get that inner guidance, which is priceless. And you have all the equipment. Your body and your brain are all you really need to do that. So determining what is your next step and what is in alignment with your highest and greatest good is one of the biggest benefits from doing even five minutes a day, on a regular basis.
August McLaughlin
Beautiful. I love how it doesn’t have to be this huge, overwhelming amount of time because I think most of us, even when we feel really busy or overwhelmed, five minutes we can handle. I wonder if you could share a little bit about the impact that these practices have had on your life, thinking back to when you were in grad school compared to life now. What are some of the biggest rewards that you’ve experienced, that people might be able to look forward to?
Dr. Claretha Yeager
Oh my gosh, it’s a complete 180. I didn’t have any sort of stillness practice or meditation practice or silence—pick your word that you want to call it—when I was going through that really anxious time and not sleeping. I do have a daily practice now. Sometimes it’s 10 minutes, sometimes 40 minutes. The biggest shift I’ve noticed in how I feel is less anxiety, better sleep, and being able to be an observer of my thoughts and less reactionary.
What I mean when I say that is I have a business and we live in a world with people—so there’s people, all sorts of people. When there are things that are alarming or stressful, or things that I don’t agree with, I’ve been able to better be an observer of my thoughts and discern what is needed to be done next, in order for me to make a better choice of action for the next thing that’s supposed to come. So it’s allowed me to respond to things from a higher and better perspective versus react to things. And I think that’s pretty powerful when you learn to do that for yourself, because that’s what translates to a better experience of the world around you.
On the other side is a more connected relationship with myself and understanding the purpose of why I’m here. How I’m supposed to support people and just how to be a better human and be open to the experiences and the path that I’m supposed to walk on here. I’ve really gotten a better understanding of who I am. I talk a lot about being sovereign and learning the sovereignty of just being me. And so I think that is available to everybody who starts to do this on a regular basis.
Stream the full episode, which includes mindfulness sex tips from Dr. Megan Fleming, up above or on your favorite podcast app. Download Claretha’s free 5-minute meditation here!
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