Bipolar, Sexuality and Kissing Scenes with Alessandra Torresani

August (narration):

So when Alessandra meets someone for the first time and they ask her what she does for a living—they haven’t recognized her yet—she told me she has no shame.

Alessandra:

Well, I always like to start off that I’m an actress to a fault where I will be at a restaurant and if a waiter is being nice, and I have a show that’s coming out, I’ll be like, “Hey, I did this the other day. Do you ever watch Batwoman? Oh my god, you don’t? Well, you should watch it. I play this character Duela Dent.” 

So I am my own PR machine. I am first and foremost known as an actress. I am a loud Italian who has a podcast called EmotionAL Support. It is about mental health, destigmatizing and making it fun and light. And we laugh a lot. We’re a little naughty. And you joined us, which was so amazing. I just love that. So yeah, I think that’s kind of the short version.

August:

I love it. And I also really appreciate your openness and your advocacy in the arena of mental health. I was just listening to your podcast. And you just interviewed this wonderful person Brit Bronson…

Alessandra:  

She’s an angel.

August: 

There’s this beautiful, kindred energy between you two, because you both have bipolar disorder, and you spoke about that kind of common bond, when you meet someone who not only relates to your experience but is willing to be open and honest. 

When in your life did you decide to speak out about mental health or has that always kind of just been who you are?

Alessandra:

I’m a very outspoken person but certainly not with mental health. This is all quite new for me. 

When I was diagnosed, I did not speak about it because they told me I shouldn’t speak about it. I be labeled as a diva. This was the time of Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, and all that stuff. And so they were like, just keep it calm. You don’t want to be difficult on set, even though I was very professional and kept it separate. 

Then, I worked with an organization called NAMI, The National Alliance of Mental Illness. And they asked me to make a video talking about mental health. I spoke on my bipolar disorder on Instagram TV and the video got incredible reaction. So I continue to make videos once a week and just speak about my journey. A company had reached out to me that did a conference for mental health called Kindred. And they brought on 60 (not influencers) but people who are in the field of mental health but are not professionals and who are doing their own different platforms and have their own voices. Actually, at that event is where I met Brit Bronson. She was there for her company called Space Movement, her organization. We kept in touch and we went to lunch and we didn’t even realize we were both bipolar until that lunch, which was like six months later. 

So, she has been instrumental in helping me out in not only my own mental health but she’s helped so much with the podcast and introducing me to incredible people and just been a fighter that’s had my back throughout this whole thing. So it really took me to hear other people’s stories and kind of just be so frustrated. And it was so cathartic and freeing to be able to speak my truth. And I kind of got over if the business didn’t like me because of that, then fuck them. I was like, I just don’t care, you know. 

It’s funny when I’m talking about this Batwoman character—she’s supposed to be an insane person—which is like me, but also bipolar, and all these different personalities. It was one of the first times I read a script where I was like, oh, my god, someone put into writing how I feel. And I let them know. I said, “I don’t care whether you know or not but this is the first script I’ve read where I’ve related and I’m bipolar.” And I don’t know if that’s what got me the job. But it was inspiring, and it made me feel like cozy and cushy inside that people were acknowledging this, and were talking about it.

August:  

Yes, and that there’s a superhero character.

Alessandra:

Well, villain, super villain, but close. Okay, for fun, more fun, 

August:  

Way more fun. So someone who has superpowers, a really strong character—

Alessandra:

…but misunderstood. She had empathy. So that was the thing. It was like a misunderstood character that had not only her own mental health but the environment, growing up, and all these other factors had created this, like, what else am I going to do? 

August:

But that’s so interesting. It reminds me so much of what you were saying about being told you have to hide this part of yourself. Of course, when mental health and mental disorders are villainized bad things happen, and when we are compassionate and understanding and accept people and educate ourselves and learn about all of this, we find out that it’s actually not as scary. I mean, it’s challenging, I know, but it’s, it’s not a scary thing. It’s not a threat to the world. It’s a part of life for a lot of people who have mental health issues.

Alessandra:

Absolutely.

August:  

At what point in your life were you diagnosed?

Alessandra:

I was diagnosed between 21 and 22. I always forget so I say both but I was diagnosed from an acupuncturist. I had been to, gosh, psychiatrists, therapists, a hypnotist, and all sorts of people throughout my whole life, not knowing what the problem was. I was put on antidepressants when I was 15, which made me suicidal because it actually does the opposite effect of balancing. 

This acupuncturist I’d known for years was a family friend. I was explaining my symptoms and I said, “Oh, I’m just stressed.” You know, blah, blah, blah. And he said, “I think that you’re bipolar.” He deals with a lot of actors and creative types. And he said all the signs kind of point to this disorder: “Why don’t you go get it tested?”

I had gone to a new psychiatrist and told them what someone had recommended to me. And he says, “Well, why has no one ever told you that? Of course, you’re bipolar.” What? What? So now, looking at it is a more of a reason to kind of fight for it because so many people, especially at a young age, are misdiagnosed. Because they think they’re hormonal, that they’re going through puberty, or you know, girls are just hormonal in general.

August:

Was it validating to have that understanding about yourself? How did you feel when you saw this term, you heard this term and started to realize, Oh, yeah, this is it?

Alessandra:

I never had this aha moment with the diagnosis. But I kind of was happy. I forgot what celebrity said it when they found out that they were diagnosed bipolar. It was like, oh, okay, so there is something that can be helped. Because it’s the unknown that is kind of scarier, right? When you don’t know. So it wasn’t like, Oh my god, I’m bipolar. My life is so much better. But it was oh, okay. So this is a thing. I’m not insane. I’m not just crazy.

August:

Right, because when you’re searching and searching it feels like, Is this all in my mind? Am I only struggling because I’m “weak?” and  I can’t handle things?

What do you want to share about what your symptoms have been?

Alessandra:

So many. They started as a young baby and that’s what people don’t realize. Bipolar disorder starts when you’re young. When I was like two, three years old, I used to just bang my head against the wall for no reason. And that was like being a perfectionist and even at a young age I would have this frustration and people would think it was a temper tantrum. And my mom would say, no, she’s not having a temper tantrum. Something is seriously wrong. A child, who’s a baby, doesn’t just decide to start throwing their head against the wall. 

When I was five to six, I couldn’t cross thresholds. I couldn’t go from one side of the door to the other side because I was afraid something bad was gonna happen or if I didn’t do the best that I could do, I would be a failure. So it was better not even just to try. And then I had this rage inside of me and this heavy depression and then mania. And I would just drive for days on end. And I could stay up for three, four days straight, without sleeping, when I was about 15-16. And that continued. But then being put on the antidepressants, I think, was absolutely the worst thing that ever happened to me because it made me a suicidal person when I never was. I never acknowledged that; I never thought that. And it just made me hate my life so much that I didn’t know what else to do but escape. 

So now looking back at that, I’m like, whoa, because I don’t feel that as strongly as I did. I still have my moments where it’s a struggle every day just to get out of bed and continue on life. But I never had an urge to just give up because I couldn’t even just breathe any more. So I think the most important thing is this misdiagnosis and seeing the signs and being able to kind of pinpoint and help out.

August:

I have a friend who was diagnosed with bipolar after being treated for what they thought was postpartum depression because hormones can play a big role and all that. And same thing where the antidepressants actually had an opposite effect where she swung so far into dangerous mania. It’s interesting to me that when those things happen or when somebody becomes suicidal from taking an antidepressant, that the reaction in the medical field isn’t always we should look into this being perhaps another condition. That seems like a red flag that is not uncommon. 

Alessandra:

Totally, totally. And I think that that’s what’s so scary. It doesn’t matter how far you are in your life you can learn a new diagnosis at any age. I posted something that my friend had posted the other day and it was in regard to postpartum depression. People don’t acknowledge that is a mental health condition. They just say oh, postpartum, you know, over and over. But it’s not an acknowledgement— it’s your mental health. There are so many times in your life that you’re going to learn new things about yourself and wanting to change. 

August

Looking back on your journey, how has bipolar impacted your relationships? 

Alessandra:

I feel like, until recently—the man that I’m with now whom I’m married to (I’m like an adult)— relationships couldn’t have been harder, especially pre-diagnosis. I think that I had a lot of fun in my relationships. And I had great ones. But there was always that snapping point where people would push my buttons. And I didn’t know how to vocalize that their pushing just ignited the fire even more. Then I was diagnosed and then I was on my medication and men used that as an excuse as to their bad behavior so I had a lot of guys cheat on me. 

And a lot of people would say that oh, well, you’re crazy. You’re insane. You’re starting by it because I was open about being bipolar. And currently, with Sturgis, the first moment I met him, I was like, just so you know, I’m bipolar. He was like, okay, cool. Totally went over his head. But it is a challenge even in our relationship because every day is a challenge for him. Yes, I’m very balanced but I still have high highs and low lows. He knows how to kind of walk away from me if I’m gonna have a temper tantrum, if I’m gonna have a moment, but it is still hard every single day. But I’m with someone and I’m lucky enough to be with someone that is understanding and is not going to hold it against me.

I always use the example of you’re not going to criticize someone for having cancer and blame that as the reason why the relationship’s not going well. You can’t use that excuse anymore. And I allowed men to do that to me and I allowed that abuse over and over and over because I would just tell myself, “Well, I am crazy. So this must be the problem.”

August:

Yeah, when we’re in a culture that says that you are, it’s hard not to think that.

Alessandra:

Especially a woman in general. I was just doing a podcast and we were talking about one thing that I have seen now as a continued pattern, specifically with Kamala Harris, is there’s such a balance for a woman to not show their emotions and just be as “strong as a man.” And if you go too far, well, you’re hormonal, you’re crazy. You’re a female, must be that time of the month. 

And that’s how I constantly felt all the time. Because I had to catch up with myself being bipolar and not just be labeled as a crazy woman but as a crazy person in general. And crazy is my favorite word of all time when I use it in a very empowering way.

August:

You’ve reclaimed it: This is a part of me. It’s my crazy, it’s not the one you’re defining for me.

Alessandra:

Yeah! I’m crazy fun. 

August:

Has bipolar impacted your sexuality as well?

Alessandra:

There were a few things on medication I was warned about and not with the Lamictal bipolar medicine I’m on because the one that I’m on is as least affecting as possible in the sense where they give it to all the actors so they can still cry on cue. Being on this medication I was very careful and aware of what the side effects were going to be. The side effects are about as low as possible. The only real side effect is if you get a rash, it could be a really bad, deadly rash, and you’re allergic to the medication and call it a day. 

That was literally the only thing that was different because I had a lot of friends that were on antidepressants and not only emotionally did they shut down but sexually they shut down. I’m not an overtly sexual person but I am an ex-dancer, very comfortable in my skin. I should not say this— because my neighbors always see me—I am naked 24 hours a day but I’m always wearing socks. I have this weird touch sensor issue where I can’t touch towels and I have to wear socks. Really strange. 

But other than that, I’m someone that grew up so overly comfortable with their body. When I was younger, I was confused why people weren’t okay. I would come home from preschool and take my clothes off. And I got in trouble at school because I would be walking around in a diaper and they’d be like your daughter needs to put her dress on. This is inappropriate. 

So that was never a concern for me because I knew going into the medication that that wasn’t going to be a problem for me. Now, I wasn’t a slut. But I did have fun in my day. And I dated a lot of guys and I got them to always be my boyfriend. But yes, I am someone that is very in tune with my body. And I knew that if my sexuality went away or I wasn’t feeling confident about my body and I wasn’t feeling not even the actual sex, if I wasn’t feeling sexy in myself, then I would know there was a problem.

August:

Oh, that’s so good. And I love how you phrase that, too, because our sexuality, when we say that a lot of times, people think we’re talking about sex or even more specifically, intercourse. And our sexuality is how we move in the world and how we relate to people. It’s a sense we have that’s really lovely. 

Alessandra

It’s like a confidence, you know. Trust me, I have so many insecurities where I constantly think that something is on my butt. And I’m like, someone needs to look like at what’s going on. Like, do I have something in my nose? I’m someone that’s very insecure with those kinds of things but when it comes to my sexuality, when I’m feeling good, like don’t touch me, because I am so hot.

August:

I love it. That’s awesome. Do you remember learning anything about sex or sexuality growing up?

Alessandra:

You know, it was something that was so open and I have people that I talk to, especially on the show, and not just with sexuality, but in general, conversations were just not brought up when they were younger. Especially my friends in the LGBTQ community. Their parents never talked about any of that. 

My mom had so many gay men around her. I was a dancer. My first friend when I was a kid was obviously gay. He didn’t know it, yet. So sex was never a weird thing to me. I don’t ever remember having a sex talk with my mom because it was talked about when I was a baby. It was just fact, so I never had those awkward childhood years where I was oh my god, my mom’s gonna kill me right now. 

We would send funny cards to people all the time and they would always be naughty dick jokes and we would send to boys these big breasted, sexy women and my mom thought it was the funniest thing. I thought it was a funny thing. Sexuality and sex were so lightly taken, just as if it was like brushing your teeth. It wasn’t a big deal.

August:

No wonder you have this comfort in your body. I wish more people had that. Most people learn the opposite and so there’s this shame around their body.

Alessandra:

Yeah, and you know, just in general, my mom always had every kid at the house every single weekend. And it was like whatever you do in the house you do in the house. You’re not driving. You’re not leaving the house, even if you’re not drinking. I don’t care. You’re here and we’re gonna watch over you. I think that that’s what made me so not rebellious and why I never really drank. That’s why I never did drugs because for me it was not a big deal. I never felt the need to rebel sexually, rebel with alcohol, rebel with any of that.

[a few bars of acoustic music]

August:

So I asked my mailing list subscribers if they had questions for you or for us about mental health in general, anything about mental health, and we received some pretty cool questions. I think they’re good ones. 

One of them is: I was diagnosed with bipolar one. And I’m newly single and wondering about whether to mention it with online dating.

Alessandra:

I’m bipolar one as well. I don’t know. That’s such a tough question. It depends. Are you looking for fun, random dates and like a good, loose time? Not loose—that’s the wrong word—but are you looking for something casual and fun? Are you looking for something serious? I don’t think that it’s necessary. It doesn’t define who you are. 

I think that it’s something that should be waited to talk about in person, unless you are in the state of COVID that we are now and everyone is getting to know each other in the dating world moreso than they ever did. They’re doing long term relationship dating online because people can’t actually meet yet so then it can come up in conversation.

But the way that I would always respond to my bipolar disorder is I would mention it in the most casual way. I would never be like, oh my god so I have bipolar disorder. No, I think that’s the wrong approach. I think you just be like, “Hey, I have bipolar disorder. It’s like nuts. But I have it. And if you have any questions about it, I’m here to answer. I just thought you should know.” It’s something that I like to share with people, and we make it as casual as possible. You’re gonna get the most casual reaction. And if you get someone that is an asshole and doesn’t like that, then isn’t it better to know now than later?

August:

Yes. And as you were saying that I was thinking that is the way that, ideally, we talk about sex, too, when a kid has a question. If they say, how are babies made? And you’re like, oh, my god. Oh, my god. Or “what’s down here” and they’re pointing out their vulva or their penis? And you’re like, “don’t do that. Oh, my gosh, hide that, honey.” Then they have stigma immediately.

Alessandra:

It’s not Jesus and the stork. I’ll tell you that much. It’s intercourse. I hope it was fun. 

August:  

Exactly.

Okay, so here’s another one. I was diagnosed with a mental illness and medication was recommended to me. I’m scared to take it because of how it might have side effects, including on my sexuality and in my relationship. How do you get past that fear? And what can I do if I’m worried about side effects? 

Alessandra:

Well, I think the first and foremost thing is talk to the doctor. That’s what I did. Not just with the sexuality aspect of it all, with the sex drive, but just in general, what side effects are. I think that the more you’re informed, the better it’s going to be. Never Wikipedia anything in Google because you’re going to see the worst things possible so never do that.  

I would speak to the doctor first. I would warn your partner and say, hey, (it’s all about communication, right?) the doctor wants to prescribe me this. I have no idea what the sexuality side effects are going to be. So that being said, if you feel that there’s anything different, please communicate to me because I know that I’m going to be very sensitive to this. And I’m going to be very cautious. And I just want the honest truth. 

That medicine might not be right for you. I know for bipolar medicine it takes 6-9 weeks for it to kick through but as long as you’re honest. And once again, if your partner can’t deal with it, they’re an asshole and you’re better off without them.

August:

Good points. Okay, here’s another one:

I’ve been dealing with a lot of anxiety and I think I may have an anxiety disorder, but my partner keeps telling me it’s normal to be anxious. He says everybody’s anxious and kind of downplays my symptoms. I don’t know if he is right or if I’m actually struggling with something that I do need treatment for. I have insurance and could see a therapist, I and don’t know why I haven’t taken the leap yet.

Alessandra:

Sometimes I didn’t take the leap because I was embarrassed and not for other people but for myself because it’s a sign of weakness I always thought. Let me emphasize this enough. You are a stronger, sexier individual if you take your mental health seriously and go to a therapist. There is nothing wrong with that. You may be perfectly fine and your partner might be perfectly right but no one will be able to know that until you get the professional help. 

So be sexy, be confident. You don’t have to share it with him; you can just go and do this yourself. Either they’re going to prescribe it for you or they’re not. Or they’re going to tell you you’re extremely anxious, and you have extreme anxiety. But you should never have someone else who’s not a professional give advice and tell you what you are. 

I was just talking about this on another podcast. We were talking about people who die by suicide. I had this argument where I said there’s all these people that could be attacking you, and you don’t know, but they’re not really the cause of the death but they could contribute. And the other woman was like they are absolutely the cause because no one knows what you’re going through on a daily basis. No one is inside your head. 

So you could already be anxious and not feeling yourself and being so lost. It takes one person to trigger something. Now, I’m not saying that your partner’s triggering. I’m not using you as an example at all. My point is that no one knows what’s going on in your mind so no one knows what that last word is going to be to someone who actually will give up because they can’t survive any more. 

You won’t know until you go to a professional. That’s the only way to get the proper help. So that would be my advice. Just go to a doctor first. I wouldn’t even tell your partner and then eventually let him know.

August:

You know, that is great advice, too. Because really, our first priority has to be, we have to be okay. We have to take care of ourselves first so you can come from a place of strength and say, hey, I worked with a professional to figure this out. This is what I know to be true about myself. 

Alessandra:

Yes.

[a few bars of acoustic music]

August:

You’re a brilliant actress. Do you have a favorite role that you’ve played?

Alessandra:

I think my favorite is one that I did about 10 years ago. And it was the prequel to Battlestar Galactica; it was called Caprica. And the reason I liked it is because I played five different people. Mostly, I played these two characters called Zoe. And it was a VR version of myself and an AR version, VR. Anyway, that’s embarrassing. It was like in other worlds. I played Zoe the real girl and then Zoe A, which was the augmented reality form of her that lived in the virtual world. 

It was so fun because I would do the role and shoot together. One girl was very powerful and strong, and the other was soft spoken and weak. It was so fun to play two people, because I feel that way all the time. I do have two personalities where I do feel strong and high and feel amazing. And then there’s this weakness inside of me that comes out. So that was probably my favorite role to play, because I got to do every little bit of it.

August:

That’s amazing. I imagine the empathy that you have cultivated through struggling in your own mental health is a huge attribute on set. Do you apply that to acting?

Alessandra:

Yes, you have to. With the Caprica show, too, especially. I think that was so special and I did use so much empathy. And I did have so many emotions with that, because I hadn’t been diagnosed yet. So I really, really felt all the emotions all the time, on set and off set. 

But yeah, you have you have to find empathy in every character, even if they’re a villain, right? Even if they’re crazy, but you literally give a piece of yourself in each role. And I know that sounds so snooty, like I’m a famous actress—no, no, no—it’s true you have to find love, and you have to find some sort of connection. And if you don’t connect to that character in some way and find that it’s very clear to the audience.

August (narration):

Since this is Girl Boner, I had to ask Alessandra how she feels about sex and make out scenes. 

Alessandra:

It is the most awkward experience… I have the worst stories. Everyone, for the most part, has been really nice. 

I had this one make out with this guy on a show when I was 18, and I’m a vegetarian, and I’ve never eaten meat before. The producers were dicks and they had him eat sausages. And I think it was like beef jerky or a hotdog before, on purpose, because they were just rude. And we had to make out  and it was revolting. It was so awful. Other than that I’ve had pretty good make outs, but it’s so uncomfortable and it’s so awkward. 

And then one time I was on the show, Workaholics, and I had to play a porn star. They needed the sounds of some girl orgasming to an extreme of over-the-top porn star, not even really happening, and there was no quiet space so I did it with the director and the sound guy in a small closet in-between takes. Both of them were such angels. They were like, this is so uncomfortable. I am so sorry. I can’t believe we’re doing this. I’m so sorry. They were so sweet. And I did the first one and they’re like, “Okay, can you do it a little louder and a little like nasty? Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I just said that.” They were so, so, so sweet about it and tried to make it as normal as possible and I made it really funny, just over the top. 

But it is not fun to have sex scenes, even with the hottest guys. And I’ve never had an actual sex scene, thank God not yet, but even just making out is real weird.

August:

What’s the most awkward thing about it? I imagine having a lot of people around is a factor. And then also the technical parts.

Alessandra:

Yep. They put your head a certain way and they make you stay there. On Caprica I was 21. I had just turned 21. And the boy who played my boyfriend Avan, who’s amazing, was 15 at the time, and I was playing 15. We had to have a make out session and his mother was there and it was his first, I think, onscreen kiss. So that was really awkward. It’s so technical. It’s so ridiculous. 

My first kiss ever, ever was on television. I kissed Frankie Muniz on Malcolm in the Middle. So I will never have a first kiss. It was recorded and documented in front of my mom. So that’s awkward. It is not glamorous.

August (narration): 

I asked Alessandra if she’s ever worked with an intimacy coordinator, a professional who helps ensure the well-being of actors who participate in intimate scenes, on set. She said she hasn’t yet, but she hopes she will, once a sex scene comes her way. Intimacy coordination is a topic I hope to explore deeper in a future episode. 

To hear my own extremely awkward first kiss story that also involved some theatrics, join the Girl Boner Radio Patreon community. For as little as $2 a month, you can support the show and my mission, and get some fun extras along the way. Head to patreon.com/girlboner or click the link in the show notes.

[a few bars of acoustic music]

August:

What is your biggest turn on?

Alessandra:

My biggest turn on—I guess you have to be funny. I know that’s so cheesy but you have to be funny. And you have to think I’m funny. If you think I’m funny, then I’m pretty much like an easy all right, I’ll go home with you, if you think I’m funny.

August:  

I love it. And what is your biggest turn off?

Alessandra:

Guys that are pretty boys that that care so much about themselves and their looks because they’ll never care about you the same…

August:

…if they’re gazing right past you into their reflection? 

Alessandra: 

Yeah. 

August:

And what sexuality or sex advice would you give to your younger self?

Alessandra: 

Keep on trucking. Keep on feeling free and comfortable with your body. You’re on the right path and don’t allow anyone to blame anything sexual on you being bipolar.

*****

Learn more about Alessandra Torresani at the links in the show notes and subscribe to her podcast, EmotionAL Support. 

To learn science-backed, explicit sex tips from seasoned pros, sign up for Dr. Megan Fleming’s FREE webinar with Kenneth Play HERE!