Mental Health, LGBTQIA+ and the Pandemic: True Stories and Where to Get Support

[a few bars of acoustic music]

August (narration):

Ellen Kahn is the Senior Director or Programs and Partnerships for the Human Rights Campaign. HRC is 40 years old and the nation’s largest civil rights organization focused on achieving full equality for the LGBTQ community.

As a civil rights organization, Ellen told me, a lot of their work is focused on passing federal and state legislation and legislation at the municipal level to advance LGBTQ equality. As you may know, they have folks lobbying on Capitol Hill in Washington, D.C. every day and at the state level to pass protections for the community and to keep anti-LGBTQ legislation from passing.

Ellen: 

We also do a lot of work on our nonprofit side, which is where I am, and we do work to change systems to be more inclusive and affirming. So that means working with hospitals, community-based health centers, child welfare agencies and K-12 schools, higher-ed, workplaces of all types and sizes, including some of the largest employers in the country and really creating benchmarks within those systems that the leaders of those institutions and organizations can strive to meet. 

And as they meet those benchmarks, it means they are really building the scaffolding and internally written policies, staff training and best practices, so that LGBTQ folks who are interfacing every day with these institutions of daily life are more and more having a better experience.

August (narration):

Ellen told me she never imagined growing up one day to do this kind of work. She wasn’t quite sure what she wanted to pursue professionally until her mid-20s. And ever since, this career path has felt deeply personal to her.

Ellen:

I started doing HIV/AIDS work as a 24-year-old young lesbian trying to find my feet under me career-wise. I just couldn’t land on anything, but as people in my own circle of friends started getting diagnosed with HIV and some dying of AIDS, which back then was pretty much your outcome, it really inspired me in the direction of social work and in the direction of understanding how our systems of care work, how to advocate for better treatment be it healthcare, mental health.

I’m so honored to work at HRC. I’ve been there 15 years, actually last week was 15 years. I love the work. It’s meaningful. The people I work with are definitely extended family. We kind of bear the good and bad weather together.

August (narration):

I asked Ellen when she realized the magnitude of potential challenges the COVID-19 pandemic would have within the LGBTQIA+ community. She said it didn’t take long.

Ellen:

About two weeks into the common understanding we had in early March that this was going to be a big threat to our health and changed immediately how we worked and what we did. We started to hear about and from people in the LGBTQ community that were feeling scared, that were losing work, losing their jobs, losing health insurance, all of those things that for many people came quickly and really created a lot of fear and instability. 

And then we quickly pivoted to try to do some research and really understand, with evidence, if you will, how COVID both initially and then over these last 10 months has affected the LGBTQ community. 

To answer your question honestly, I don’t think we knew right out of the gate what this would mean but looking back now, knowing what we know today, we can speak to that in an informed way.

August:

What are some of the mental health repercussions you’ve seen in the community? 

Ellen:

As I think you know and many people know, there are some communities that tend to bear the brunt of health disparities because of historic institutions like racism and homophobia and transphobia. And different communities are undervalued, disenfranchised, particularly in healthcare and in mental health, and the LGBTQ community is one of those communities. And then when you go a layer deeper, brown and black LGBTQ people are dually impacted, because they have two identities that are those identities we tend to, again, devalue or sometimes disenfranchised from many of our institutions of daily life. 

Pre-COVID, we know from decades of research on the LGBTQ community—youth, seniors and the general adult population—we report higher rates of depression, anxiety substance use, challenges with emotional well-being that are a direct result of being a stigmatized population, a population that faces discrimination, experiences bias and, again, just echoing that if you are a black or brown or other person of color, and you are queer, trans LGB, you are carrying more of that burden. And it’s physical health, as well as mental health. 

Even for folks who are considered motivated to seek help—many of us in the LGBTQ community have had past negative experiences—when we sought health care, we had providers that were not competent, were not affirming. Sometimes we’re not sure where to go, who to call, what therapist is going to be the right fit for me. And if you’re in a more rural community or you’re in a community that is under-resourced, it’s even harder sometimes to find those folks and those resources that are clearly LGBTQ-inclusive. 

So that all was real for queer folks and trans folks before COVID. And then COVID shows us in a really terrifying way that if you’re already in one of those vulnerable or higher risk groups, the impact of something like a pandemic has a disproportionate negative impact.

[a few bars of acoustic music]

August (narration):

Thomas Davis, an ambassador for the HRC and the Founder, Artistic Director & Project Lead for The Creative Remedy & Education Workshops knows these impacts well. He grew up feeling loved but quite different from most everyone around him. He learned little about sex or sexuality, which presents unique challenges when you’re gay, as he is. Like so many folks, he’s had to figure out how to navigate the zany times known as 2020. 

[a few bars of acoustic music]

Thomas:

For me, growing up in Colorado, it was great. I had a beautiful, amazing childhood. My family adopted me from birth, and I grew up there. They just gave me an amazing life. It was a very small town, though, so I stuck out. I was the only black kid in my grade. Me and my brother were some of the few in the entire school. So it was predominantly a white community and then there were some people of Mexican heritage and background. But other than that, it wasn’t very diverse. 

So I really stuck out. I was one of the boys that liked to sing, dance and act—a lot of the guys didn’t do that—but I did have a lot of love from people there. There were people when I came out in high school that were really hateful but overall, I had a lot of support growing up.

August:

Do you remember learning anything about sexuality or sex when you were growing up either in school or from your family or anyone? 

Thomas:  

You know what’s so funny? And I don’t think I’ve ever really said this out loud to people. My first thing as a kid hearing about sex was when me and my friends would play make believe or whatever. And we all would pretend we had boyfriends or girlfriends. 

And when we went home, we would do what we called “the blank.” We called it “blank,” literally. And it was always this thing that was never really talked about until you got to fifth grade, where they had this thing called “the talk”, where they basically just talked about puberty. All the boys just learned about us. And then the girls learned about us and them. 

As far as learning about sex, though, and about consent, condoms, STDs, all of that was really crammed into one quarter, like a small section and chapter in our health class. When I was in high school we had a doctor. . . He came in and answered questions. Colorado is one of the places where people that have religious exemptions can like take their kids out of it, so all of us had to write questions down and then submit them and then he would draw them out—literally out of a hat—and would read them and answer them. 

August:

Do you remember any of the questions?

Thomas:  

Yes. One of the ones that I remember was just a statement. It was, “I have a burning sensation when I pee.” It was a joke to all of us just because we could tell it wasn’t being taken seriously. It wasn’t being addressed, so we didn’t take it seriously. 

August:

Yeah, of course, because why would you? And there’s like this shroud of secrecy around it, so it kind of makes it taboo and therefore funny and mysterious. 

Thomas:

And one of the things that I honestly didn’t even realize until the age I am now—talking to my high school friends and peers that I grew up with about the things that we didn’t get—I didn’t realize that a lot of them were sexually active when they were in middle school. And in high school, there were a lot of things that because I wasn’t heterosexual I was really not privy to, people that like, slept with each other. I really had no idea.

It’s interesting, talking to my high school peers again and looking back, and they’re telling me all these crazy stories, and I’m like, “Oh, I never really got to have a coming-of-age thing like that during high school. I had to wait for college.” 

August:

Do you remember how it felt to sit in sex ed and learn only about like, penis-in-vagina sex and how you should avoid it and that it was so heterosexual? 

Thomas:

What’s even crazier is they wouldn’t even call it sex ed. And we didn’t even talk about that. We looked at the charts and stuff, but that was about it. It was literally focused on just the biology of it. The way they did the curriculum was a joke; we made a poster. One day we were given topics, we went to the computer lab the next, and we had the poster and the presentation, and the chapter was closed. And that was it. 

August:

Wow. I remember being in sex ed and learning about some kind of STD you could supposedly get from sitting on a toilet seat. And that just stuck with me. 

Thomas:

And what was crazy, too, for me, was literally the message and when I even said to my friends, “Well, I don’t gotta worry about it. I’m not gonna get anybody pregnant. So, I don’t gotta worry but y’all gotta use condoms. You all gotta worry about these but I don’t have to.” I was like, well, if I did, they would tell me. 

August:

When in your life did you look back on that experience and go, “Wow, my life would be very different if I had had comprehensive sex ed?”

Thomas:

When I was diagnosed with HIV, honestly. That was kind of this big thing because, literally, I didn’t really know what it meant. There was a feeling of fear because I was like, okay, I know people get scared of this. I had seen Rent but that’s a musical. It shows people that are really struggling and stuff. I wasn’t. I didn’t have stuff I could relate to. 

So when I was doing my own research and looking at data and figures and numbers, I was really like, why the hell didn’t I learn about this? This is crazy. I was actually really upset because I felt cheated. 

And this was also at a time where a lot of stuff with police brutality was not just happening because it’s been happening, but when it was popping up. It was dealing with those truths being brought to light. It was just a lot at once. That really made me honestly a little bitter about my education and schooling.

August:

Understandably, yeah, to get this information would have been incredibly helpful in so many different ways. At what point in your life did you decide to start speaking openly about your experience with HIV? You’re also really an advocate and you work with HRC. Was that a gradual decision or something that you really pursued? 

Thomas:

One of my friends—we were both in the closet and gay—and met each other on AOL Instant Messenger. We met in middle school online and stayed friends for years. And then, after I was diagnosed and after learned everything, I wanted to tell my story. I realized I was still doing what I love every day. I was dancing; I was very happy. And I was like this really isn’t that bad of a thing. For me to be able to take this and to have support from my friends and family, I needed to do something. 

So I made a video and I actually sent it to him. I was like, “Hey, so this is something that I wanted to share. Could you help me share it?” He definitely helped me share it, and the Human Rights Campaign featured the video. I released it on my Facebook page before that. I got a lot of great responses. 

I really just wanted to share my story and I thought, Oh, if I share it, somebody else will see it, and they’ll step up and share it. And it just didn’t work out that way. But people were still supportive. 

And one of the representatives from HRC reached out to me, after Noel had shared it with them, and asked me if I’d be interested in being a youth voice. That was when they first started the first group of youth ambassadors and when a lot of conversations nationally were about including young people in decisions, instead of creating programs and stuff that aren’t effective—really hearing from us, getting our experiences and our input, because we’re the experts with lived experience. So it just catapulted from there. 

I got gigs at high schools to travel and go and talk to them at colleges. I went to Oregon to Linfield College and talked to two classes of people that were going to be doctors. They had never talked to somebody that was living with HIV before. It really just blew up when I didn’t expect it to. I really thought I was just going to be kind of a one-off thing and be like, “All right, bye, y’all.” And it just kept me around. 

August:

That’s really important work you’re doing. I really appreciate it. 

I’m curious if at the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic, as somebody who speaks out, I think that when you speak out in the ways that you do there can be the sense of you’re kind of a mentor to people who maybe you’ve never even met before, right? Did you feel a sense of responsibility to advocate and speak out in the community about what was going on with them? 

Thomas:

Yeah, it was huge. And just like looking at the parallels on how people and the news cycles were going, you know, from what I’ve seen in the 80s. And like now and even looking at when there was SARS, mad cow disease, West Nile, all these things. 

Yeah, I felt a lot of responsibility. You know, I was definitely one of the people that was—I’m not really on Facebook anymore—but I was on Facebook every day doing lives being like, “All right, y’all, let’s do some yoga. Let’s listen to some music. Wash your hands.” I really was trying to motivate people. It really did a number on me and got me real exhausted. 

That’s something that I deal with a lot, actually, a lot of us in public health and HIV work, specifically, felt like we had a lot of pressure on us to kind of lead the charge and be optimistic and give people answers when really we didn’t even have them.

August:

Yeah, that is really huge and layered, and with the news changing constantly, trying to keep up. I can imagine that taking so much energy. And then you as a person, besides this platform, having your own challenges. How did you feel mental health-wise early on in the pandemic? 

Thomas:

Yo, I would go to the store just to be around people. It was a lot and I laugh about it, but no, I seriously went to the store, walked around and got nothing to be around people. 

Me and two of my neighbors, we kind of started quarantine together. And we all were just kind of like what the what the fuck is going on? 

I remember the day that things really started to shut down. We had a friend that was coming over, and we were all going to chill over in my neighbor’s apartment. He was bringing some wine. We’re like, “all right, like, let’s just chill.” We couldn’t even have a visitor. And we just sat there and thought about what was happening. We were looking at the news and it was just really surreal. 

Depression has hit us all in different ways. For me, it definitely was something that hit me hard at the beginning just because it was kind of like all right, what do I do with myself now? How do I connect with other people, if I can’t see people? Virtual stuff really just kind of showed me how much we really need other people. 

It was a lot for me to come to terms with because I turned 28 three weeks into the epidemic. I was mad. My birthday was ruined. It just really forced everyone and me to just stop and pause. It was really difficult and really surreal because I had never felt so powerless before. 

[a few bars of acoustic music]

August:

How have you learned to cope? What’s helped you along the way, maybe early on, and today?

Thomas:

Music has become very important to me and the type of music that I’m listening to. Even though I love sad songs and how beautiful they are, I couldn’t listen to them. I was like, No, I can’t do this. I can’t do the negative stuff. 

I think connecting with friends that I hadn’t really talked to, really looking and seeing the people that reached out to me and I found myself reaching out to and thinking about definitely made me feel really good. And some really beautiful moments that may have happened virtually, but it definitely was like, all right, I feel people are valuing me. They’re checking on me, you know? We’re all trying to figure out how to connect with each other.

[a few bars of acoustical music]

August: 

How are you feeling with the holidays coming up? I’ve heard from people who are a little relieved that they’re not going to be around family, because it’s not a comfortable situation for them to go home for the holidays. I’ve heard from many people who are really, really heartbroken that they’re not able to connect with either their blood relatives or maybe their chosen family. 

Thomas:

I will not be going home for the holidays, not just because of COVID but with the way the elections have turned out. After this year, I don’t think I want to end the year around holiday stuff, tensions high already on top of 2020 and an election year. So I won’t be going home, which actually does make me really sad. 

But at the same time, too, I know it is so much better for my mental and emotional well-being because right now I’m liable to snap if I have to walk in and see Fox News on, like I always did growing up, or Glenn Beck or Rush Limbaugh. I’m really at this place where, being the age I am now, almost 30, I’m not a kid anymore: I don’t have to take this from y’all. You know, all of that mix together on top of COVID.

August:

I so appreciate you sharing that, because I imagine so many people want to make that decision. And they feel really challenged for so many valid reasons and feeling so vulnerable. How do I take that stand, feeling guilty about it—all these mixed emotions—and to hear you say, “I’m going to take care of myself. These are the boundaries that I need.” That’s beautiful. 

Thomas:

Yeah, it’s hard. I’d love to go and see my little nephew and my niece that I didn’t even get to meet. She was born April 3, something like that, in the beginning of it, so I haven’t even gotten to see her or anything, and who knows when I will get to meet her. 

[a few bars of acoustic music]

August:

What, if anything, is giving you a sense of hope, right now?

Thomas:

Of course, the election results give me hope for sure. Just the fact that this is the largest turnout ever, both for Republicans and Democrats, lets me know that like the young people, even the ones that I don’t see eye to eye with are really stepping up right now. 

I also get hopeful with the fact that whatever I’m doing is working. I haven’t gotten COVID. I’ve still been able to connect with my friends, being as safe as I can when I do it, but I think what’s been really cool is looking at the way that humanity finds a way to still connect and support each other. 

I’ve seen a lot of livestream apps get really popular and people getting more into podcasting and YouTubing. It’s where I felt like the future was going already, and this kind of catapulted it into that. 

When I think about 2020, as frustrating as it’s been, it hasn’t been that bad to me. It really hasn’t, when I think about it, once I decided to let go of all these petty first world problems. People are still trying to connect with each other; they’re still trying to find peace and keep a sense of camaraderie. 

August:

Absolutely. What would you share with someone who’s really struggling emotionally right now?

Thomas:

That’s hard… I think writing down the things that make you anxious and fearful and then kind of looking at them and really just dissecting why helps. I feel like a lot of times we carry a lot of fear around because we’re dealing with things that are unknown. And I when we focus on that fear, and we’re like, well, I’m afraid of this happening so I’m not going to do this or I don’t want this to happen so I’m going to do this, it’s like you’re making a decision off of something that hasn’t happened yet. And when you make a decision based on that, it’s kind of giving you permission to manifest that, when you can focus on something else instead. You have to debunk your own thoughts. 

August:

I really like how that gives you a proactive thing you can do, too, because if you keep the thoughts in your head—I know ruminating thoughts well— if you just let them sit there, they fester and getting them out in that way sounds really therapeutic to me.

Thomas:

Definitely. I’ve been successful and I’ve failed at doing it. I think it’s just kind of a process of just trying things, you know? Just sitting and having a conversation with yourself and understanding why we feel the things that we feel.

[a few bars of acoustic music]

August (narration):

As soon as Dr. Amelia Burke-Garcia, the program area director at NORC at the University of Chicago and director of How Right Now told me about this COVID, mental health, coping and resiliency initiative, I knew I wanted to share it with you all. How it came together is pretty fascinating.

Imagine something you’ve done that takes a lot of time and energy and planning…say a college thesis, planning a wedding, writing a book, learning a new language. Now imagine having to get it done not only extremely well but really quickly. That’s sort of how How Right Now had to proceed, once the pandemic struck.

Amelia:

We began working with the CDC foundation in collaboration with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention to develop what eventually became known as How Right Now, by conducting rapid but robust, formative research. And what I mean by that is as part of the pandemic response, this was a project that moved very, very quickly. 

And so we conducted the research between late April and approximately early July. In that time frame, we were conducting a range of different data collection activities. So things like an environmental scan, social listening, partner needs assessment calls, online focus groups. We conducted informal partner-convened listening sessions with community members and we also did a national survey. 

As opposed to perhaps a “normal campaign or initiative development process,” in those cases you might actually conduct the research, develop your messages and your audience personas based on that research. Then you would go and test those with your audiences and refine and maybe retest and then refine further and launch. In this case, we were working within such a tight time frame rather than doing the rather than sequentially, we had to do them iteratively. 

And so we were learning as we were going: developing audience personas, refining those as we learned more developing messages, testing those messages, refining them, retesting them as we had sort of different phases of the formative research process staggered, and then we were able to sort of do everything within that truncated time period to be able to launch just about three months after we started.

August (narration):

Early on in the pandemic, they recognized that everyone would probably be struggling because of COVID-19 but certain communities were identified as being at higher risk for emotional health or well-being challenges including people age 65 and older and their caregivers, people experiencing economic distress, people experiencing violence and people living with pre-existing physical and mental health conditions. 

Amelia:

Within each of those, we recognized that certain subgroups—racial and ethnic minorities, sexual orientation and gender identity minority groups—would also be struggling. 

So, what we aimed to do through the research process was talk to many of these members of these communities. We wanted to understand how they perceived the idea of what they needed to cope, what they needed to be resilient, what role resilience played in their experiences that they were going through. We also wanted to know what sources they trusted, where they were going to for support and coping, in the moment, but also then sort of the counterpoint to that was where there might be gaps and the things they needed but weren’t available to them.

August (narration): 

One of the gaps they discovered was a lack of culturally appropriate Spanish resources for mental health, coping and resilience. At the time, available resources were primarily just translations of English versions—and therefore, not entirely helpful. Amelia and her team also learned what people who may be especially struggling through the pandemic are really longing for. 

Amelia:

What we heard from the groups that we talked with was that they really wanted to have their experiences validated. They really wanted to feel that they weren’t alone in those moments. They didn’t want fluffy content. They wanted real, actionable, low cost, low barrier to entry solutions, tips and tools that they could use in their everyday life. One of the things that I reflect on and share with people is they didn’t want to be told to just go do yoga.

People were and are experiencing real challenges, whether that’s to put food on the table, pay rent, or deal with a very sick loved one who maybe they couldn’t see and maybe cannot see, all that often, because of social distancing mitigation strategies. People struggling with being at home with kids and loved ones and trying to manage work. 

And there were just a lot of stresses, especially for people who are still going to work if they had to, but also who may be caregivers to people who had pre-existing conditions or were living with pre-existing conditions themselves. There’s just a lot of worry and fear, social isolation and loneliness. 

And so we really tried to distill out what the most salient concerns were for each of those groups and then identify where there were existing resources that could be useful to them. And if there were gaps, really try and develop new materials that would help fill some of those gaps. 

August (narration):

All of those resources live on the How Right Now website, howrightnow.org. Based on all of the formative research Amelia described, How Right Now settled on the idea of centering resources around people’s emotions and how they’re feeling in a given moment. 

And in part, Amelia said, that involves wanting people to better understand how they’re feeling and then tailoring resources for those emotions. How Right Now has one-pagers on various emotions, all developed and vetted by a panel of experts, including clinical psychologists. They wanted not only to give people tools but help them gain understanding of their experiences. 

Amelia:

So when you come to the site you’re brought to the homepage and it’s organized by emotion. So we ask you, “How are you feeling today?” And then you’re able to go in, depending on how you’re feeling, and click on a button: anger, worry…. and get to a sort of curated list of resources that speak to that emotion and help support coping strategies that can address that emotion. 

It’s also worth noting that—again basing it in the research—we wanted to validate that people were not alone, other people were feeling the same way, and that it was okay to have these varied emotions. And so we really wanted to frame the experience as “It’s okay if you’re feeling any of these ways. We want to help and support you.” And sort of in that way, make this a comfortable environment for somebody to explore.

August (narration):

I gave the site a try myself and really love how user-friendly it is and vibrant. It’s very welcoming and visually appealing, and I also appreciate that you don’t even have to know how you’re feeling. One of the options is “not sure.” Thomas explored the How Right Now website as well.

Thomas:

Going through and looking at it, I was like, this is actually really great. It kind of helps people know this is how you can navigate your emotions, your depression, your fears. It makes me think of those things in Cosmo magazine where it’s like Did you do this? No? Go here. Yes? Go here. And I just feel the interactive potential for that website is huge. 

August (narration):

Thomas also said he hopes it’ll be an app one day.

Ellen told me that helping folks find community during the pandemic has been an especially big priority for HRC as well. A few months ago, they created a resource for the LGBTQ community that breaks down some of the myths and fears about telehealth and teletherapy. 

Ellen told me she thinks How Right Now is a terrific resource for folks in the trans and queer communities and beyond.

Ellen:

I think it’s a great site. And HRC was really proud to be invited early on to give input to make sure that the information can land with folks, regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity. It’s kind of inclusive in terms of the language and the message.

There are some shared human experiences that are beyond that we love who we are and that are really just about how we feel as humans. I think that’s what I really like about these resources. They can resonate with pretty much anybody. And so that is another resource I would recommend for literally anybody.

August (narration):

Amelia said that making sure that How Right Now has resources for specific marginalized communities, including LGBTQIA+ folks, has been a goal for the initiative since the beginning.

They wanted to curate resources that support mental health, emotional wellbeing, coping and resilience, while at the same time acknowledging that people in certain populations are struggling to have their basic needs met – folks enduring violence or who need job, housing or food security.

Amelia:

So what we really tried to do was provide both tools and resources that supported mental health, but also tip lines, support lines, job resource information, food bank resource information, that would actually help address some of those other needs that they may be having right now. Two of the ones that we have for the LGBTQ community include the Trevor Project hotline and the Trans Lifeline. However, I would suggest that many of the other resources that are there may still be useful to this community.

August (narration):

How Right Now will have new resources rolling out aimed at helping people this holiday season soon. 

If you’re really struggling lately, Ellen wants you to know that there are people who are willing and available to talk to you and provide a nonjudgmental ear. There are professional resources and a national network of LGBTQ health centers in dozens and dozens of cities—many of which are now providing telehealth. 

She also told me that while she has her share of challenges herself, lately, such as knowing that her older daughter will be coming home from school but not staying with her because of COVID—she’ll really miss those hugs and usual festivities—there’s a lot she’s been cherishing as well.

Ellen:

My kids, without question, my two lovely daughters… I’m feeling very grateful for my wonderful spouse. We’ve been hunkering down together now all this time. We’re kind of anchoring each other and having lots of fun times, laughs. It has been just great to have her as a kind of constant during this time.

August (narration):

Amelia told me she misses her family who live a distance away, since she hasn’t been able to travel. She also misses live music and looks forward to when we can all enjoy those experiences together, in-person again. And when she thinks about personal gratitude, several things come to mind.

Amelia:

I’m definitely grateful for my health and the health of my family. I’m also really grateful for this project. I know I’m here talking about this project, but I do think it really aims to help people in a meaningful way. And I do hope that it does. I’m grateful that there are resources out there that are really aimed at helping people through this time.

August (narration):

Thomas told me he’s especially grateful for his two biological brothers he connected with recently—he said would walk across hot coals for them any day. 

Thomas’s life has shown him time and again that while things can get really, really tough and painful and frustrating, they can also be pretty beautiful.

Thomas:

I’m really grateful for the connections I’ve been making with new people, the friendships I’ve built out of something that was really scary, ugly and frightening…like some of the connections I’ve made with people on different social media apps. I feel closer to them than I did with people that I had been hanging out with months before, and I don’t know if it’s partially because it’s like a common bonding over the struggle but it definitely has been a big blessing.

[a few bars of acoustic music]

August (narration):

Unsurprisingly, many questions I’ve received from listeners lately involve the pandemic. This one, from Jessica, seemed especially timely as we approach Thanksgiving here in the US:

My wife and I both have chronic diseases that make staying home for the holidays especially crucial because of COVID. My wife’s boyfriend (we’re poly, she’s bi) has been pressuring us to get together with a group of people… I’m an absolute no on this, purely for health reasons, but my wife accused me of being jealous. When we tried to discuss it, it turned into a fight… I want to make our holidays special and this is adding so much stress.

Jessica, thanks so much for your question. Here’s what Dr. Megan Fleming had to say:

[single guitar strum]

Dr. Megan:

Jessica, you are not alone. Everyone is questioning the safety and risk of getting COVID-19 socializing with anyone you don’t live with. The pull and even pressure to get together in small groups for the holidays is especially high right now.

For poly couples, COVID has been a real challenge emotionally and physically. In a pandemic, people can’t hook up with multiple partners safely without rigorous health considerations and practices in place. Unless partners are willing to move in and commit to an exclusive relationship within your polycule, body-to-body sexual contact is not recommended and everyone needs to have a straightforward conversation about that.

I’m not clear how big your polycule is and if your wife’s boyfriend is pressuring you to get together with a group of individuals you already know and trust or if he’s wanting to expand your pod. Either way, this is a time for radical transparency. You all need to have explicit conversations about your habits, wearing masks, social distancing, whether you are getting together with others and their social habits, and your activities like indoor dining and shopping. In order to minimize harm you need to minimize risk and polycules everywhere are negotiating new rules and boundaries that consider health risks, like you both having chronic diseases.

I’m curious if your wife has ever accused you of being jealous before? Does that feel at all true, even a little true? If so, that’s the first thing to clarify and address. And if the jealousy accusation doesn’t feel at all true, it’s an opportunity to explore with your wife why she’s jumping to that conclusion. It’s important to parse feelings about being with multiple partners from the safety issues about getting together with others. 

What does your wife feel she needs? Is it emotional, physical or both? A number of couples are opening up to dating online and connecting virtually with new partners as a safe alternative getting together in person. Popular apps to find ethical non-monogamous partners included Feeld, OkCupid, Passion, FetLife and Tinder.

To be more specific in helping you navigate this decision of getting together as a group, here are some of the current CDC guidelines you can share with your wife and we should all be keeping in mind:

We should quarantine from anyone who has been exposed to someone with COVID-19 in the last 14 days or are showing symptoms. And because many people with the virus are asymptomatic, that can be tricky to know for certain.

The CDC also recommends considering the gathering location (knowing that indoor gatherings are more risky), where attendees are coming from and the number of COVID-19 cases in their respective communities. You should also consider attendees’ behaviors leading up to the gathering and whether or not everyone can stay at least 6 feet, or 2 arms lengths, apart, wear masks, wash hands, and follow state, local, territorial, or tribal health and safety laws, rules, and regulations. So, whew. There’s a lot to consider. 

Definitely talk to your partner about the fact that certain medical conditions increase the risk of severe illness from COVID-19 and therefore should avoid in-person gatherings with anyone who does not live in your household. 

[single guitar strum]

August (narration):

Thanks so much, Dr. Megan. Jessica, I hope you and yours find meaningful and safe ways to enjoy the holidays. Those difficult conversations really can be some of the most important, and end up strengthening our relationships in the long run.

A few more CDC considerations we can all keep in mind about gatherings this year include event duration—because being within 6 feet of someone who has COVID-19 for a cumulative total of 15 minutes or more greatly increases the risk of becoming sick and requires a 14-day quarantine—and how many people are attending. The size of a gathering should be based on folks’ ability to stay 6 feet apart, wash their hands and wear masks.

Learn more about these considerations and safety precautions at the link down in the show notes. To support this show and get sweet rewards, such as bonus content, entrees in prize drawings and Girl Boner merch, join the new community on Patreon at patreon.com/girlboner. 

Thanks so much for listening and have a beautiful, Girl Boner-embracing week.