From Orgasm/Body Shame to Purpose, with Rebekah Buege

“From Orgasm/Body Shame to Purpose, with Rebekah Buege”

A lightly edited Girl Boner Radio transcript

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August (narration):

How do you feel about your body? This is a huge question for many of us, and one with often complex answers that shift throughout life. 

For many folks, body image challenges are one of the most pervasive barriers when it comes to relaxing into or enjoying sex. Concerns about our shape, the size of our breasts, butt, belly or penis, or how “well” we can perform can derail arousal, presence and pleasure. It’s like you’re having a threesome – and not the fun kind – with you, a partner and that naysayer voice who can completely take over.

If you relate to any of that, there’s hope to be had. Today’s guest knows a lot about them from personal and professional experience.

Rebekah Buege’s body image issues came to the surface in a sort of…climactic way. [femme voice, sensual moan] *ahem* Or should I say, anti-climactic way. [disappointed femme voice: “ugh, great”]

When she met the guy—let’s call him T—she had been in one serious relationship before. 

Rebekah: 

And my, like, orgasm journey, I guess, was…not a difficult one, but it was a learning process for myself and for my my previous partner, because I was young. I had never had an orgasm before. Before being in that first relationship, it was kind of like an exploration for both of us. 

So going into this next relationship, I figured it would be like a similar process, but a shorter learning curve, because it had happened before. I knew more about my body. And figured that he would be open to learning, you know, what I needed and what worked for me and all of that. 

August (narration):

It didn’t exactly pan out that way.

August: 

How did you feel about the intimacy early on?

Rebekah:  

Early on it felt very, mm…harsh and like, forced. Like it wasn’t like, as nice as the first one. And it felt a little more like performative. And I kind of felt like I had to follow his lead to not reject him, or to not reject his, like, you know, whatever he was doing. It’s kind of like, Alright, I guess we’re doing it this way. But it was definitely a different feel than the first one.

August:  

That’s such a difficult and common thing, I think, is – you don’t want to hurt the person’s feelings, or they feel rejected so easily. So you didn’t bring anything up? You said, You just felt like you had to sort of go along with it.

Rebekah:  

Yeah, I kind of matched the vibe, because I was also very young. And I didn’t know how to say things like that. You know, I didn’t know how to communicate that without coming off as like – he was also very defensive, he would he would get easily offended by things. And so to bring up something like that was like, he’s not going to take this well. 

August (narration):

Plus, she hadn’t had much experience at that point—just the one other relationship.

Rebekah: 

So I was like, well, maybe this is, maybe this is more how it’s supposed to be and the way that I had it before wasn’t normal, or I don’t know. So it was kind of a balance of like, I don’t want to bring this up because it’s gonna bruise his ego. And he’s not gonna react well. Also, I don’t really know if this is normal or not. So I don’t want to say something and then expose my own um like, you know, inadequacy, but like my own experience or something like that.

August (narration):

On top of the harshness, she wasn’t experiencing orgasms during sex with T.

Rebekah:  

And of course, there’s like, the cultural narrative of like, ‘it’s hard for women to have orgasms.’ It’s almost like — if you do you’re lucky, but if you don’t, that’s the norm. And it’s like, that’s not how it should be. That’s not how it should be and also not true. Like it’s not true that it’s difficult because I can make myself orgasm in two minutes if I want to. So it’s definitely not like a more difficult thing.

August (narration):

To make matters worse, her absent orgasms didn’t go over well with T.

Rebekah: 

He would, you know, try to get me there. And whenever I would offer like feedback or like, hey, like don’t do it like this, like be like that he would be like, like, “I’m trying. There must be something wrong with you. Like this works every other time. Either there’s something wrong with you or you’re just like, not actually into me.” So basically blaming me for either not being attracted to him enough, or that there’s something wrong with my body that I’m not responding to what you know, everybody else likes, apparently. Which is like, mm, okay. [laughs] I don’t know if I believe that.

August (narration): 

Rebekah said that this was a really pivotal time for her relationship with her body, because in her previous relationship, she felt really good about it.

Rebekah:

I felt like he found me very attractive, and everything was great. But in this relationship, he made me feel like I had to compete with other women for his attention and his approval. um And he would talk about his ex girlfriends a lot and, and like plant these seeds of insecurity. 

So for this to happen, this is a very nuanced, specific example of where body image triggers can start. It’s not just what your body looks like, but also the things you believe about your body and, and thinking that something is “wrong” with your body can really damage your relationship with your body, and in lots of ways. And so for this to happen at that point, just added on to the different body image triggers that I had, and feeling that, you know, there is something lacking about who I am as a woman. 

August: 

Did you continue the relationship? Did you ever have a conversation about these things?

Rebekah:  

It’s kind of an interesting topic, because at that time, I didn’t say anything. I just kind of resigned myself to ‘okay, I guess this is what our sex is like.’ And, you know, I don’t want to be selfish or be, you know, making this person I care about feel like he’s inadequate, so I’m just going to deal with it. 

And so I did continue the relationship. I ended it for different reasons later. But I never said anything. And I feel like in my relationship with my body, that was a time that I I really let myself down. I didn’t advocate for my body. Because, you know, our bodies can’t advocate for themselves. We have to defend our body, we have to advocate for our pleasure, for our safety. 

August (narration):

A few months ago, Rebekah found herself in a similar situation, and she was able to handle it differently.

Rebekah:  

A few months ago, I was in a short relationship with someone who – the same thing happened. We struggled, he struggled, to help me reach orgasm. And he said some comments similar to what my other boyfriend had said. And this time I was like, “No. It is not okay for you to blame my body for something that I know that it’s capable of. And, you know, this is just a process that we need to work through together. And it’s not okay for you to blame me, or blame my body for something that isn’t actually happening.” So I feel like I got the chance to like, do it differently after I’ve done all this healing. 

And it was actually a really, like, shocking kind of experience to have that. It’s like, wow, the same thing happened again and I was able to do it differently. 

Because I just was able to shut down  that idea or thinking… Just like, No. The two options that you think it is, either I’m not attracted to you, or there’s something wrong with my body. I’m like, there’s, there’s a third possibility here. And it’s just that we need to try something different. So let’s try something different. 

August (narration):

That relationship ended for other reasons, she said, but her relationship with her body continued to improve. 

Today, Rebekah is a confidence coach. She teaches women tangible ways to value their body based on what it does and develop a loving relationship between body and self. 

August:

I’m guessing that you see these as inseparable, like your confidence and presence in your sexual experiences and your body image. Do you find that one impacts the other in positive ways, too?

Rebekah:

Oh, yes, yes, because you can’t – and in all areas of your life, but especially sexuality – if you are conscious of your body, it’s going to take you out of the present moment. And connection is all about being fully present in the moment with the person that you’re with. And so if you’re if you’re thinking about like, ‘oh, what does my stomach look like when I go like this?’ Or like, ‘what does my face look like when I’m doing that?’ It takes you out of the opportunity to connect and [[puts]] you into this ‘I’m aware of my body and no longer focusing on the connection.’ 

Even if you think even if you’re sitting there thinking, ‘Oh my gosh, I look so great while I’m having sex,’ it’s like, you’re not thinking about the other person and you’re not connecting. You’re conscious of your body, whether you’re thinking positive or negative thoughts about it. So it’s a huge factor in our intimacy levels and in how comfortable we are sharing our body with someone.

August (narration):

If you’re bothered by negative thoughts about your body, Rebekah suggests focusing on preventing those thoughts to begin with. 

Rebekah:  

And the way you do that is slowly build your identity around other things outside of your body. And it’s hard difficult to do that as women, because culture tells us that you are your body. And if you have a body that looks “good”- 

August (narration):

Air quotes – 

Rebekah:

-then you are “good.” And if you have a body that looks “bad,”

August (narration): 

More air quotes –

Rebekah:

-then you are bad. But that’s not true, and we see this in lots of examples. 

I think of the movie “Freaky Friday,” where the mother and daughter switched bodies, and then the boyfriend of the daughter starts liking the mom. It’s not because of her body, it’s because she’s got the personality of the daughter. That’s who he’s attracted to. And so we know that we’re separate from our bodies, and so finding tangible examples of how you are more than your body is going to help in the moment, then say, ‘Okay, I may not look the way I want to right now. But it’s not about how I look, it’s about spending time with this friend at dinner. And I’m not going to think about how many calories are in the glass of wine that I ordered.’ 

August (narration):

Of course, all of this can be easier said than done, especially if you’re dealing with severe body image challenges. In that case, I highly recommend getting professional support from a qualified therapist, if you’re able. 

Regardless, I love what Rebekah shared about shifting our priorities. That’s something that’s helped me and so many folks I know build confidence and break free from that negative self-talk loop, or at least make it far quieter.

Rebekah:  

You don’t fight negativity, with positivity. You fight negativity with your purpose. So if you can think of the purpose of your body and the purpose of you as a human being, in those moments, that’s what’s going to help, just like dissolve the power of those negative thoughts. Because sometimes they are true that it’s like, ‘yeah, I don’t like the way that my hair looks right now.’ But I’m not going to let that stop me from enjoying, like, the reason why I’m here or something like that.

August:  

I love that, because I think it’s so hard, and it doesn’t work to just think, “just be positive.”

Rebekah:  

No, because life isn’t like that. You can’t just tell yourself that your fears aren’t going to come true. Because it’s very possible that they will come true, and that they already have and that’s why you’re afraid of it. 

So it’s like, I’m afraid that people are gonna say this about me. And it’s like, okay, so if they do, what are you going to do? What’s really gonna happen? Who will you be, if they say that to you? Is that really gonna change who you are, you know,  kind of equipping yourself to handle the fear, and also to take away the power of the fear because usually the things that we’re afraid of happening, like, they’re not that scary, and the power that they have really just lives in your mind.

August (narration):

Looking back on her own journey, Rebekah sees how impactful her relationship with T became.

Rebekah: 

He actually made a lot of my body image issues come to the surface. And I realized that it’s, it’s actually not the way my body physically looks that is the issue because I had the same body in my last relationship. Same body in this relationship. One guy, you know, I never felt insecure, this guy made me feel insecure all the time. And then I had these issues coming out of it. So logically, I realized, you know, the variable here was not my body; it was these, these guys. So I’m never going to be able to please everyone. And there’s nobody that I can name that everyone thinks is attractive. And so rather than trying to be attractive, I need to ask myself, why do I think being attractive is the most important part of who I am? And that’s more of a philosophical question. 

I have a degree in economics, philosophy, and political science. And I realized I’m like, this is a philosophical question. This is not a health question. This is not a weight question. It’s about, what do I value and what do I believe about myself? And that’s what really propelled my own healing. 

August (narration):

When Rebekah looked around for body image resources, she found a lot of messaging around “how to love your quote/unquote flaws.”

Rebekah:  

And I was like, I don’t think I want to. I don’t think that that’s part of it. Like I don’t think that I need to be super excited about my cellulite. I have it, but I don’t want to use that as what’s defining me. So I gotta figure out something else.  

And so that’s why I created the programs that I have in the podcast that I have is to talk about this from, from a more philosophical perspective of why do we value ourselves this way? And what else should we value ourselves on? And then rewiring those thought patterns and everything and the amount of freedom that it gives you, and the amount of control and power that you really end up having over how you feel. 

Because then it doesn’t matter if someone criticizes the way I look. Because it’s like, well, I don’t value myself based on the way I look. So, it doesn’t really matter. Or, if someone compliments me on the way that I look, I don’t crave that and feel like I need more of that to feel good. Because it’s like, again, well I don’t value myself on that. So I think it’s great that you think that I’m beautiful, you think that I’m sexy, but like, I’m a lot more than just that. And that’s what I want people to see and know about me because that’s how I see myself. 

So that’s the work that I do is really helping women see themselves from so much more than their body, so that they have the freedom to enjoy their body. And to not hold it so so tightly in their, in their hearts and in their mind.

August:  

As you were saying that the word that came to mind for me was unstoppable. You become so fierce when this part of you that felt so vulnerable before, it’s like it almost doesn’t exist. Like it’s there, but your insecurities about it are just not at the forefront. And you’re like, “You can say whatever you want to me, I’m fine.”

Rebekah:  

You can’t you can’t hurt me like that, because I don’t value that. So if someone is valuing their body, and they look really, really good, you can still be insecure. This is why you know it just doesn’t make sense that fixing, quote fixing, your body is going to fix your body image because it still means you’re holding on to this so tightly, and then you’ll just be afraid to lose it. 

So yeah, that’s the only way to become, as you said, unstoppable is to change the things you value so that you have control over your confidence. And you should value things that you’re in control of not the perception that other people have of you. You can’t control that. 

August (narration):

To learn more from Rebekah Buege, follow her on Instagram @RebekahBuege—that’s Rebekah with a “kah,” then B U E G E. You can also take her quiz that helps you start moving in a better direction at bodyconfidencequiz.com. Pretty soon you’ll be able to pre-order Rebekah’s book, “Social Currency,” which explores different things that we try to put our confidence in and how that ends up not working. She plans to publish it this summer.

[guitar chord strum]

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[guitar chord strum]

August:

Speaking of books, I explore body confidence in my Girl Boner book, too. If you’ve read it, you may recall that my huge healing moment, while I was in the thick of eating disorder recovery, happened during a college psych class, when a professor started a discussion around sex. In that moment, I realized that I had never really talked about sex—which made me wonder…why? I started delving into the messages I’d learned about sex and my own sexuality, and my curiosity and, honestly, healthy rage that all prompted set me on the path toward healing. Looking back, that was the moment that I stopped wanting to diminish or starve myself. I still struggled for some time, but not nearly to the same degree. It’s like I was finally able to at least want to love my body. I respected it, and I felt compassion for it and for me. (more…)

So given all of that, I thought I would share a few tips from Girl Boner, chapter 8, which is called Loving Your Body, For Real. (And by “loving your body,” I’m talking about love as a verb: actions and behaviors you can take to show love for your body, even if your mind hasn’t yet caught up.) One is to become aware of the wounds that fuel your body image challenges. Examples might include role models, such as a coach or parent, or friends, who fixate on weight or appearance, religious shame around your body or sexuality, wonky societal messages, untreated or unmanaged depression or ADHD and trauma. Reflecting on or journaling about these factors to foster self-awareness can be helpful. 

Keeping a gratitude journal can help as well, maybe jotting down what you’re grateful for when those difficult thoughts crop up. Another practice I recommend is what I call detoxifying your life. Here’s an excerpt about it from Girl Boner:

[Excerpt…]

There ends the little excerpt. 

All of these practices can end up benefiting your sexual experiences and your confidence between the sheets—or on the sheets, or on the floor or wherever you get busy. And sometimes, sex itself is the thing—or a thing—that helps us feel more comfortable in our skin. It’s nearly impossible to think negative thoughts about your body, or anything else, during intense arousal and orgasm. All of that goodness takes over, and often keeps on. It might just sprinkle into the rest of your life. [vibophone scale]

If you’re struggling to get to that place at all, to even start engaging in sex, because of body image issues, or if you don’t have access to a partner, you may want to consider solo play. As a sort of sexy masturbation therapy. (No, it’s not actually therapy, but I recommend it.) Learning what feels good, how your body experiences arousal and orgasm, discovering new erogenous zones — all of that can bring a sense of care and respect for your body. 

To bring more fun or adventure to those experiences, consider bringing a sex toy into the mix. Trying out a new sex toy with a partner can help, too, by giving you something new to focus on together. If you’re distracted or anxious about sex because orgasms are a challenge for you, toys can help there as well—especially if you’re a vulva owner. Some folks with a vulva only experience orgasm with a toy, and that is 100% okay.

[guitar strum]

Visit the link in the show notes to explore the Pleasure Chest’s Best Couples Vibe collection. The We-Vibe Date Night Special Edition set looks especially tantalizing to me. It comes with a Nova 2 vibrator for G-spot and clitoris play and a vibrating ring to slip on a penis or dildo. You can even have one partner control the vibes for the other from another room or across the globe, using their remote app. Learn more at the show notes link or explore your heart, and your boner, out at thepleasurechest.com.

[guitar strum]

If you’re enjoying Girl Boner Radio, I would love to hear from you by way of a rating and review on Apple Podcasts or the iTunes Store. Be sure to hit the “follow” button on the podcast app you’re using, if you haven’t yet, so you’ll never miss a beat.

And if you give Vinovest a try, I want to hear about your experience. Check it out at zen.ai/girlbonerradio or the link in the show notes and get 2 months of fee-free investing. 

You can also support this show by joining my community at patreon.com/girlboner and letting your friends know about it. Thanks so much for listening. 

[outro music that makes you wanna dance]