Erotica, Bisexuality Representation and Oral Sex

August: 

Did you know that reading erotica can help reduce stress and anxiety? It does so by shifting tense physical effects, like a rapid, stressed out pulse, to something more positive, like pulse-pounding of a sultry kind. From health benefits like this one, to creativity, spice and fun, erotica can bring on many benefits. I’m thrilled today to be joined today by Lauren Emily, who know about these perks not only from a reader’s perspective, but as a writer. With Dr. Megan Fleming’s help, we’ll also weigh in for a listener who is seeking tips for better oral sex for her and her partner. 

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Now I’m so pleased to welcome Lauren Emily. In addition to having written two YA novels, Lauren writes erotica for bellesa.co and contributes to Playboy and SELF. Her work also appears in BUST, Between the Covers: A Bookstore Erotica Anthology, and the newly released Best Women’s Erotica of the Year, Volume 5, which is so sexy and so fun. The whole book is, and your story really, really struck me. Thank you for joining me today.

Lauren: 

Thank you for having me. I’m so excited to be here.

August: 

So our mutual friend and colleague Rachel Kramer Bustle put this together. She is an incredible editor…and very well-known in this industry asked authors to get as wild and over the top as they could with their stories. And she said that people really exceeded her expectations. 

What was your process like choosing your story? She called yours a “portrait of a specific subculture, the world of aerialists in the lesbian public sex extravaganza.” It’s called “Spin.”

Lauren:

So I have trained as an aerialist since 2016. A person I was performing with like several years ago who’s now a good friend, had just started a full-time circus school program, and I was like, that’s a thing you can do? And the school she was at also offered rec classes just for adults who wanted to come in. And I started on aerial silks, which is like the big long things of fabric you see in Cirque du Soleil. I also did Lyra, which is aerial hoop and which tears the hell out of your hands, FYI. And then I got into sling, which is kind of a combination of both. It’s a big loop of fabric that can hold up to 800 pounds. 

So there can be two people in it and often in shows and things like that, you do see what’s called duo, which is when there’s more than more than one person in it. And so my two protagonists in “Spin” are Soraya and Chloe. They have attended a full-time circus school, which is where they met. They are now professional circus performers doing a show in an old renovated church, which is not an unusual place to have a circus school because the rafters are really high, and you need to have that for rigging and things like that. And you have to have like stable stuff. So like, you know, you’re not falling 40 feet to the ground, so they are above ground and hooking up for the first time after being friends for years. So it’s sort of, Soraya thought her love for Chloe was unrequited and it turns out it isn’t, and she finds out in the most outrageous possible way.

August:

And in the most public way, which is very exciting. And one thing I love about this book is that each story, you know, it’s going to get really steamy, and you don’t know when and you don’t know exactly how, and the anticipation with your two characters and, you know, getting into the mind of, of the main character who is having all these curiosities and fantasies and even credits this other person for bringing out attraction to women. But it had been the secret.

Lauren:

I really love – I love when other types of relationships become lovers. Friends to lovers has always been one of my favorite tropes even before I started writing erotica. And that shows up a lot in my YA as well. But my very first published story for Bellesa, which was my first published piece of fiction, period, was not only based on a real experience, but it was coworkers to lovers for one night. 

August:

So you really like that there’s a familiarity and this like secret crash and these turn-on feelings, which is enticing for sure.

Lauren:

I think so. And I think what I’ve always found fascinating is just finding a whole other side to somebody. Once your relationship, whatever it may have been like, takes, takes an unexpected turn.

August:

Can we talk about your decision to start writing erotica? I feel like this is a really common interest or curiosity that people have. A lot of people haven’t taken that leap. What was that process like for you?

Lauren:

Well, it was, I think I have kind of a unique way that I got into erotica. I’ve been writing YA for – my first novel came out in 2017 and my second YA novel will be out in almost exactly a year from now. So I had been writing that for a long time, but then, several years ago I had a one night stand with a former coworker… It wasn’t the first time I’d slept with him, but it was very, very unexpected the way it came about. 

And looking back, I knew it wasn’t going to turn into anything else, which was fine, but it also kind of fulfilled some needs I didn’t know I had – not just physically, but someone being in tune with what I wanted and asking me how I felt at every turn. And the people I’d been with before were not so great about that. 

So a few months after I had this night with him, I thought, I need to preserve this even if it’s just for me. So I basically, I changed around some details, because I was like, if this ever does get out, there are no names in the story. There are just pronouns used. And I had a couple of people look it over, including a friend of mine who actually lives out here in Los Angeles now, and she’s a romance author, and she like gave me good feedback and really loved it. 

But at the time it was kind of like, there’s no place that wants to publish this. Like it’s 2,000 words of this really smutty [story] – I still surprise myself when I read it again – of just this moment in time. 

And then in 2017, so almost exactly three years ago, I got an email from my sister, saying this friend of mine posted a thing. This new site is looking for erotica writers and I know you’ve done that a couple times, so you might just want to look into it. So I emailed them. I said I have this, I don’t know if you want it. A week later, I hear back from Jayne Renault who is also in Best Women’s Erotica.

August:

Another great story.

Lauren:

So good. And she is just so wonderful in every way. And the email was basically: We want it. Can you write more for us? And until then, I had originally been a blogger and then I was a freelance writer and critic, but my fiction had never been published. And this was also at the point where I was like, this is probably never going to happen for me.

August:

So your first fiction published was erotica?

Lauren:

Yes.

August:

That’s awesome. Because as a writer myself, I know that it can feel exciting and vulnerable putting anything out there when you’re published for the whole world not only to read, but to like have thoughts about and criticize perhaps, which inevitably happens, it’s what we do, art, right?

Lauren:

Oh yeah, it is, yup.

August:

It’s, it can feel very brave and you know, it was, I’ve only written one erotica story that’s in one of the anthologies. And that was years into my writing career. And so I’m, I’m curious if you had, how did you feel when it went live?

Lauren:

I texted my best friend and said, “I’m going to throw up.”

August:

Well that about sums it up. Thank you for showing not telling.

Lauren:

Yeah, I still remember like I was at, I was at my day job. I work in corporate America. Irony of ironies. And I still remember where I was standing when I saw it had gone live and yeah, I texted him…because yeah, not only was it a very vulnerable and different side of me that most people had not seen and/or read, but this was based on a real experience. And, I actually had, and this is an office where I’ve not worked for years and years and yet neither has the person depicted in the story, but I did have a coworker that had worked with us at the time message me, being like, “Is it this person, this person, or this person?”

August:

Did you share?

Lauren:

I was like, “the second one.” So then eventually, the subject of the story found out about it.

August:

How did that go?

Lauren:

Well what happened was I ran into him in public and he was with somebody. I was with my sister. And it was just kind of like, “Oh, hi.” Like, whatever.

August:

“I wrote all about your sexy parts!”

Lauren:

Right. And I got a Facebook message from him the next day. It was kind of like, “Oh, it’s nice to see you last night,” blah, blah, blah. “By the way….”  And I was like, “Oh God, I know what’s coming.” And he’s like, “So someone else sent this to me and said, “Is this you?” And I was like, “Oh wow.” I didn’t realize I’d put that many identifying like details in there…and he’s like, “You know, I think it’s great actually if it’s me.” And I was like, “Okay, yeah, it’s you. And I think what helps is he’s a writer as well. So I think like not only was he flattered, but like he kind of got it.

August:

And also I think as writers, we know that most fiction comes from our lives in some way. I mean, not directly. Sometimes it’s incredibly metaphorical. Something happens and we’re inspired. So I could see him feeling like, “Oh, I was the muse.” You mentioned it being full of “mut. What does the word “smut” or “smutty” mean to you?

Lauren:

Oh, that’s a good question… I would say graphic, because that’s how I write smut. But smut I don’t think necessarily has to be graphic… I think it really goes into our feelings and desires in a way that others genres, right, might not. It takes a very deep dive, whatever that means to the writer, and that can mean different things.

August:

I like that you are bringing it into this positive light, too. The way you’re using “smut” as positive, because it’s sort of like the word “slut,” for example. That has been historically quite negative and derogatory and, and downplaying of, especially quote unquote women’s fiction, which is like a weird term. Like we need our own category or whatever.

Lauren:

Oh yeah. So weird.

Bisexuality representation

August:

Yeah. So bisexuality is, it sounds like, a theme in many of your stories, Including this one. Why was that important to you?

Lauren:

Well you’re right in that it is a theme. It’s also a theme in my YA. The heroine of my first book, Satellite, is bisexual. Although she never uses the word because it’s, the whole book is kind of more of her discovery. And then my forthcoming YA release, Two Winters, has two heroines, both of whom are bi, and that was deliberate on my part. There is a lot of bisexuality in my erotica, and there’s a reason for that. I feel like there is still a lot of bi erasure in both the straight and the queer communities. 

People think it’s not a real thing. They think you’re experimenting. You’re a slut, and not in a good way. And they think that if you are a cis-woman who then embarks on a relationship with a cis-man, surprise! You’re not bi anymore. 

That is something I struggled with too on my personal journey… I remember, at one point, when I was much less informed and much more repressed, I was like, “Do people say they’re bi just because they think it sounds cool? And like looking back I’m like, that’s so crappy of you and you shouldn’t have, even thought that. But you were also trying to work it out in your own head.

August:

And it’s that internalized homophobia, right?

Lauren:

Mmm hmm. So much.

August:

I’ve heard it a lot about transgender identities and being non-binary: “Oh, what a funny trend. You’re just trying something cool.” There’s still so much repression and judgment.

Lauren:

And I think with the identities you mentioned as well, although I can’t speak for them, I think a lot of people treat it as like, “Oh yeah, a trend. It’s a new thing.” No. This has always been around. It’s just changed, the way we talk about it. So in terms of why I write a lot of bi- queer characters, I want to see them more because I think it would have helped me in my own journey if I had read about more people like me. And then I think eventually I realized before I was even out myself, I was like, well, this means I need to write it. And I want to help other people feel less alone and know that their identity is their own, no matter who they are or aren’t sleeping with.

August:

I so appreciate your sharing that because I think that’s vital. Representation in all ways is so important. And as I was preparing for today, I was researching bisexuality representation as a whole. It was really interesting to me to find out that it wasn’t until 2008 that we really had a character on TV who’s bisexual and that was Kelly Torres on “Grey’s Anatomy,” played by Sarah Ramirez. 

And what was really fascinating was that it was partly her idea. Shonda Rhimes wanted to have a bisexual character. And then Sarah Ramirez heard about that, and there’s this great quote. She said, “I realized I was in the unique position to be able to develop a character that made me feel seen and accepted in areas I typically found myself apologizing for my existence in.” So she emailed Shonda Rhimes and they made it happen. And she became also, I think, the longest standing character who’s bi… Art changes the world.

Lauren:

It really does.

August:

And stories change the world. And I think they reflect our culture. They also help shape it. And I think they foster compassion in a way that we don’t get in other ways. You can academically explain to someone that gender is in the mind. For example, it has nothing to do with our genitals. You can go through all these graphs and charts and lab reports…but until you actually get to know someone [you might not really understand it]. And if you’re in a place where all of the people seem cisgender and in heterosexual relationships…you don’t have the exposure. So the way to know is through stories like yours. So thank you for writing it.

I have an awesome listener question to share that I would like to answer and one of your characters to weigh in for if you’re both willing.

Lauren:

Ahhh, all right! We are.

Listener question and oral sex tips

August:

This question came from Jess, who wrote this: My partner has a penis and I have a vagina and we both want to get better at oral sex. Previously, I was only with cis women, so even though I have heard that penises are simpler, this is new territory for me. What are your top suggestions?

Jess, you rock for sharing this question. Here’s what Dr. Megan Fleming of greatlifegreatsex.com had to say.

Dr. Megan:

Hey Jess, thanks for your question. I think it’s really great that after being with women so long, that you’ve opened your mind, because it felt right to do so, to be exploring with men. It reminds me of Lisa Diamond’s work on sexual fluidity, because I think so often – less certainly nowadays than before – but often, I think people think of sexuality and sexual orientation as sort of rigid. And that’s true for some and in fact, often for many, but not for everyone. 

Certainly when you’re new to anything, as I always say, we never start out as as expert, right? So, have fun. Again, it’s about the energy. Have fun, play. So some basic techniques I want to share with you and then of course, give you some resources. 

You know, [oral sex] really starts with the energy and the enthusiasm… that sense of “I’m really looking forward to having your dick in my mouth or making you come.” But really just giving you a sense of that not only is this for his pleasure, but that you get pleasure in giving him pleasure. 

And the other thing which I think we have to not forget is the practical part of finding a comfortable position and or having to make adjustments when and if a position is no longer comfortable for you. 

A third thing I would say is, it’s sort of about the anticipation, the buildup… We want to build arousal beforehand so what this could look like is…I’ve heard referred to as the “goody trail” or the “kiss trail.”  You could start up lat the nape of his neck, and work your way down, kissing maybe sucking, caressing all the way down to his pubic hair. 

And again, it may be important to include his balls and his testes and really just use your hands and your mouth and do some exploration. Then it’s really to play with the sense of rhythm and speed. 

Another thing I think is important is, in terms of anatomy…if it was uncircumcised, when you retract the foreskin, it is the frenulum, which is the underside of his glans. That is the most sensitive. So you can  use your lips and make a ring around them, sucking and recognizing that this is a very important and very sensitive part of his penis, but also using the full base. And I would say in the role of the hands, so often people think about the role of deep throat and it’s like, okay, if you’re choking or gagging, that’s not gonna be sexy for either of you. So you’re taking as much as is comfortable. 

Have one hand at the base and use your other hand to help with the mouth, and the stroking, [considering] the speed and the pressure. And then it’s a decision of whether or not you want to swallow or spit. It’s a choice point to see what you’re comfortable with. And that might change, right? It may not be the same all the time. 

So, you know, those are some of the basics and there are two books that I would recommend for you. One is called Blow Him, by Marcy Michaels and Marie Desalle. And what I really like about this one is, in addition to sort of the basics on oral sex, Marcy is a speech pathologist. So she gives a very good set of techniques for mouth and tongue muscle exercises, because it’s not every day you get that kind of detailed information from a professional linguist on how to train and strengthen and coordinate basically every muscle that you’re gonna need for giving good oral sex. So that I think is a unique book from that perspective. 

And the other one is Going Down by Nicci Talbot, because it’s an illustrated guide to giving him the best blow job of his life. Again, [it contains] illustrations, videos, all of those.We’re all different learners. Some of us learn best by reading, others by watching. So figure out what is your best learning style. And if you have any questions, definitely follow up with me because as always, we’d love to hear how it goes.

August:

Thank you so much, Dr. Megan. She brought up some really good points. Lauren, tell us about the character and what they’d recommend.

Lauren:

I was actually thinking of my first story, “We Just Work Together,” which you can read on bellesa.co, because the female character – basically we’re in her head the entire time that this encounter is happening. And there is a blow job at one point and she talks about always having been self-conscious about that, which I think is something a lot of people who have gone down on a penis share. 

For me it’s, still kind of a learning process when it comes to going down on a penis, but this character—who doesn’t have a name in this story, but then we made it a serial and she ended up being named Evie—she’s able to just kind of feel in the moment, it’s not the first act that takes place, which I think is important to note, and kind of goes along with buildup [being] really good. 

It’s also at the point where she feels like she wants to, rather than she has to, which I think is really key. I think Jess is way ahead right there. I think just enthusiasm and intent and wanting to please your partner. I would say both Evie and I would echo the advice to just kind of get out of your own head, which – easier said than done – but just be in the moment and realize this is someone you want to please. And ideally, and it sounds like in this situation, this is someone who’s intent on pleasing you as well.

August:

Absolutely. I love what you said about really focusing on the pleasure and the experience… It’s easy to let ourselves judge ourselves. And to notice those thoughts, but not let them take over. In my Girl Boner book I talk about presence over performance, which I think is really big in all types of sex, but I agree in particular with, with oral sex because a lot of people learn about it from maybe watching porn for example. And that is supposed to be very visual, obviously. It’s right in front of the camera. So it’s not what you’re going to be able to necessarily recreate in the bedroom.

Lauren:

Right.

August:

I also really like for people who are new or newer to oral sex…I think flavored lube and body candies can be really fun…especially if you are concerned. Some people are like, “I’m not sure about this is a new flavor for me” or they’re self-conscious of their own smell or flavor. Even though all natural, I always say pussy should smell like pussy, all of that. But at the same time it’s, it’s not a bad thing to go, “Oh, this might add some fun or it just might make me more comfortable.” And then also, eye contact can be cool during oral, don’t you think?

Lauren:

It can be very cool. So cool. Yes.

August:

Super intimate, not the whole time. You don’t have to like crick your neck….

Lauren:

Oh, no. I think the whole time would probably literally kill me. But yeah, a significant look up once in awhile is really nice. I remember one time, I think it became not, “I’m going to give this person a blow job, this person is looking for a condom and I’m just feeling good so I’m going to start sucking them off…” But I think back to that moment where I was really relaxed. It was something I wanted to do and I just I felt very comfortable with that partner. It’s so fun when you make it fun and you make it about your own pleasure too.

August:

It’s so fun. Yes. It’s very different. For a long time I didn’t, I didn’t really enjoy going down on anyone.

Lauren:

Same!

August:

I was just like, this is what you’re supposed to do to make this person feel.

Lauren:

Same.

August:

And it’s not like someone was forcing me, thank goodness, and I know that that happens, and that’s a completely different scenario. But we hear, “oh this is all they want,” for example, which also is not true, by the way, of all genders and genitalia. Oral is not everyone’s favorite.

Lauren:

Exactly. No. Not at all.

August:

I feel like that really gets, especially for people with vulvas, that must be your favorite thing, the go-to, and it’s all you ever want.

Lauren:

I mean for me, yes.

August:

And that’s cool, too.

Lauren:

Right, but not everyone.

August:

And I think that message comes partly from the pendulum swing of no one going down on vulvas. Right?

Lauren:

Ah, yes.

August:

Which is also big, because I hear from people who say “my partner never goes down on me and I want them to.”

Lauren:

Wow, what is that like?

Reading and writing erotica

August:

I’m glad you don’t know. So I personally feel that writing erotica is a really wonderful way, whether you’re planning to put it out there publicly, have any aspirations at all to publish. I think it can really enhance our own sense of sexual empowerment, our sex lives. It can, as Dr. Megan Fleming often says, turn or keep your sexy pilot light on… Just to keep it flickering and at the surface because it can get bogged down with layers of stress and all these other things. It’s so sexy to write it. I mean, my palms are sweating thinking about writing it.

Lauren:

Mine are, too!

August:

High sweaty five!

Lauren:

High sweaty five! But I mean, the thing for me is… you mentioned porn earlier and you know, there is a lot of great stuff out there. I wish I enjoyed it more. I have found I am not a visual person and for a long time I was kind of like, okay, I don’t think I like porn. What is wrong with me? Which we could go with that all day long. But for me, erotica and even reading it through erotic romances with really in-depth sex scenes, I was like, “Oh…I really like this. Maybe this is how I channel all of that longing and desire… Oh, they do that, maybe I could do that.”

So writing just kind of supplemented that even more before… I didn’t write my first story with an idea of being of being published, but it was something I wanted to remember and maybe some stuff I wanted to remember for the next time or the next partner.

August:

That’s really beautiful and I really appreciate that you brought up that it was and remains more appealing to you then visual porn, because one is not superior than the other.

Lauren:

No, not at all.

August:

And we still hear a lot more about porn and it’s probably more likely that we’ll just sort of fall into porn, right?  It’ll show up somewhere. And erotica, I think we also have this idea that it’s only for women somehow… Which is so not true. Right?

Lauren:

So not true.

August:

So, if you’re a guy who’s reading it, first of all, yay, we love it… Sweaty high fives for you, too.

Lauren:

Yay. Sweaty high fives for you too.

August:

And I think it’s a great thing for couples and relationships, don’t you think?

Lauren:

Absolutely.

August:

What are some of your top tips for someone who wants to write erotica for the first time? Again, regardless of if they’re thinking of publishing.

Lauren:

I would say if you want to start with an experience you’ve had, that can kind of – for me, that was an easier segue than trying to come up with a scenario that was all new to me. So if that works and like, don’t put pressure on yourself, just kind of just this, this is going to sound very silly, but just kind of let it flow like, and you can, the nice thing about erotica is like you can start in somebody’s head and then be in the other person’s head or you can start with a moment, which is often what I do, even now writing my erotica, even when like my characters are more fully fleshed out. And just, read stuff like bellessa.co, shameless plug, uh, Best Women’s Erotica, shameless plug. 

Sometimes that has really helped get my creative juices flowing and maybe some others. But yeah, it’s kind of all around you, if you know where to find it. And again, whether you’re journaling or whether you’ve got an eye on being published, I would say if you end up going the route I did, and you get something published that is based on a real experience, just keep in mind, you may want to alter names and details just to protect the other person’s privacy, like the person depicted in “We Just Work Together.” I’ve never said their name publicly and that’s how it’s going to stay. But yeah. Just have fun with it. If you’re interested, do it. Type it. Write it down on a napkin, like put it in a journal. Just go for it. I think it can be really beneficial for anyone of any sexuality and gender to write down their desires.

August:

You mentioned journaling. I think that’s a really brilliant place to go with it, especially if it’s new and you’re maybe turning to erotica for something to deepen your sexual self-discovery, for example… I think it’s a really powerful way to take the pen to paper and take a moment. The story that I wrote for the anthology last year was also a real experience that that I turned into something much more… I think  that’s a really fun way to take something that’s real from your life.

Also, it’s important to know that just because you’re writing about it doesn’t mean you’re doing all of these things, you know?

Lauren:

Can I tell you that I have had so many dudes awkwardly hit on me by thinking that because I mean – this is, I do talk pretty openly about my first published story was based on something real. The rest of them, it’ll be like a feeling I had or an experience I had, but they’re not as grounded in reality. But I have had so many dudes be like, I had one go, “I’m supposed to be picturing you when I read all these, aren’t I?” And I was like, “Uh, thanks for insinuating I have no creativity but, okay.”

August: 

Um, wow… Maybe that speaks to the power of your writing being so real. I’m going to give this, this guy the benefit of the doubt and hope that he was just feeling, “This is feeling so real to me. It must be about me.” And not just assuming that all, you know.

Lauren:

One of the best compliments I ever got on my writing was someone saying, “When I read your writing, I can hear you talk,” which is really beautiful and something I’ve carried with me. So yeah, you might be right there. 

I will also say, whether it’s writing erotica or writing anything, the most common thing I’ve had people come to me with is “I don’t know what to do.” I don’t know where to start. I don’t know how you do it.” And I’m like, “You just have to start.” It’s like exercise. It’s like any habit, once you put pen to paper, which I think is a great way to get into it… In my case, it was very hard to stop.

August:

Ditto. Yeah. I literally have not, yeah. Stopped. All the time I’m writing, not always erotica. I write mostly nonfiction now, but I think the starting, you’re right. They say it’s the hardest part of starting a car is starting it, right? …I think one of the reasons it feels so difficult is that people think they have to sit down and write Shakespeare or something…a classic, beautiful, perfect thing. And I think allowing ourselves to suck. Puns embraced. 

And I personally—and not everyone feels this way unless you’re a poet or your writing skills and your craft are very much about painting pictures with words and that’s the most important thing—I personally feel that we should not be trying to impress people with our sentences and our words, because I think that can also come across as talking above someone.

Lauren:

So much.

August:

So instead, think connection. And in fiction I think that means authenticity… How has erotica writing impacted your own sexual journey?

Lauren:

Oh, so, so, so much… I mean, first with reading it before I ever even had an eye toward writing it in any sort of way, it was really interesting to see not only people, women with their own sexual agency, but just, whether it was a one night stand or like a longterm relationship, just being with partners who really cared about their pleasure. 

And I know romance and erotica, there’s still so much stigma and, but once you dive into that world, it’s like, oh my God. There are these great characters and scenarios and it’s inspiring. And it’s inspired me as well. I’ve actually had threesomes. I’ve done group sex in very safe consensual environments with heavily vetted people because that’s how I feel safe.

August:

And this came after you started writing erotica. Did you write about these scenarios first or did exploring characters and their fantasies lead you to tap more into yours?

Lauren:

It’s the second one, because I remember not always being curious about threesomes, but being curious about writing about them. But that, for me, and this is for me, not universal advice, I needed to experience it myself, just so I could really put myself in the situation. I haven’t experienced everything my characters do, but to an extent I’ve experienced a lot of it and that’s just been important to me for authenticity sake.

August:

You’re like, “Do you want to be part of my research?” Do you ever tell anyone, “I really want to try this cause I’m going to write about this.”

Lauren:

Yes, I have done that.

August:

That’s a beautiful way to practice consent, I have to say.

Lauren:

I think so.

August:

Not that you have to be, I mean, we all have our fantasies and I don’t think you have to tell every person this might end up in erotica, but if that was the only reason, of course, then bring it up.

Lauren:

Right. Exactly. I have a friend actually who I was inspired by something we had experienced to write this one story and he now calls it his Yelp review, which I love. I’m like, yes, call this your Yelp review…. So, yeah, I think it’s sometimes a good segue in that, you know, I am up for exploring in the right circumstances and the right parameters.

August:

Beautiful. Thank you for sharing that…So Best Women’s Erotica of the Year, Volume Five is the one that your story’s in.

And I believe another volume – Volume Seven – is now accepting submissions. What would you suggest to someone who’s like thinking about that? Tell us about your process submitting and and kind of your process, the benefits of working with Rachel.

Lauren:

Oh my gosh. Okay. How much time do you have? Well…you might not want to do what I did, which is write the whole story in 36 hours. Because I was going back and forth about submitting because I’m a freelance writer as well. I have a day job. I am always working under deadlines…I don’t know if I can think of anything outrageous because the great thing about a theme is it can narrow things down, but it can also mean a whole ton of possibilities that are overwhelming. And you know, I tend to get very into my head. I’m like, “what’s something that hasn’t been done?” Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 

And then I think I was at an aerial class and I was like, wait, I’ve never seen a story with aerialist sex. A lot of aerial duos are cis-women… So I wrote the whole thing while [while] doing my day job and training and just getting other deadlines done, and it got to where I was eating in front of my laptop just to make sure I could get it in on time. And it was a gamble. 

It was also at the point where I write for Bellesa and I am, you know, friends with my editor at BUST now and it was kind of like, okay. If it doesn’t go here, it can go somewhere else. And I think I took some comfort in that, but…I was writing on the bus. I just had to get it done. I also work well under deadlines, which I think helped.

August:

Deadlines do help. And I think anyone who has thought about writing and maybe professionally writing and they haven’t done it yet, deadlines…are huge. A lot of people work well under that pressure, at least having the goal.

I believe [Rachel] is accepting submissions through May 1st. So I will put a link in the show notes for anyone who’s interested and I do hope lots of you consider that. Even if you just want to write the story and then decide whether you’ll submit it or not.

Lauren:

Do it!

August:

No one has to read the first thing you write.

Lauren:

Absolutely not.

August:

I think that’s really important to remember.

Lauren:

Huge. You talked earlier about ‘don’t be afraid to suck,’ and I’ve also had people come to me and say, “But my writing is not like yours. It sucks.” I’m like, “Do you really think I didn’t suck when I started out?” My best friend read my very first novel and he is the only one who will ever read it because it’s horrible. But it’s how I learned to write a novel.

August:

Right? So many of us [learn to] write by doing it, I think. And also when you’re really into it, it feels like it’s the best thing ever. And you think “This is so great!” and then maybe you’ll look back at it… I have such a hard time going back to old writing, because you want to change everything… Hopefully we’re always growing.

Lauren:

Exactly. Exactly.

August:

So no matter where people are on their journeys, I think it’d be great to check out… I know she gives specific like themes and stuff like that.

Lauren:

Yeah… And just talking about working with Rachel, it’s been absolutely wonderful… She’s very thorough. She’s very communicative and – because she is a writer herself – she really gets where you’re coming from as a writer and that is so, so, so important for an editor. And I would recommend if you get the chance to work with her, do it. 

August:

Yes. And people of color and queer writers to the front.

Lauren:

Yes, to the front.

August:

She’s very inclusive and…there’s a social justice feel to a lot of her work that I really appreciate and not in a way that is preachy, but in a way that again is stories that people learn from and see themselves in and or learn about others through. So big shout outs to Rachel and to all the writers, congratulations on this book and your story. Where can people learn more about you and read some of your erotica?

Lauren:

So a lot of my erotica is up at bellesa.co. I would not direct people toward my website at this point because I really need to update it. But I am on Facebook as Lauren Emily Writes. I am on Twitter as @LaurenEmilyWri. I didn’t think that through. I am also an Instagram where you can see my aerial photos and videos as well at @LaurenEmilyWrites.

August:

I can’t wait for that. Would you share one last bit of advice for anything related to sexual empowerment? Something that’s either been meaningful to you or you learned along the way?

Lauren:

One of the best compliments I ever got on my sexual performance was “You’re enthusiastic and open.” And I would say be enthusiastic and open. This was also at a point where I wasn’t super experienced, so that meant a lot to me. You know, we’ve all had different numbers of partners and experience. It’s not a numbers game unless you want it to be, unless that helps you. Don’t get bogged down with that. Just be there, be in the moment and have fun.

August:

You’re awesome. Lauren, thanks for joining me today.

Lauren:

Thank you so much for having me, August.

August:

And if you are enjoying this show, please hit the subscribe button. If you haven’t, I would love to hear from you by way of a review. You can give us a rating as well and find the new Instagram account at @GirlBonerMedia. Thank you so much for listening and have a beautiful Girl Boner embracing week.