Jordan D’Nelle went from not realizing orgasms were a thing or possible with a partner to finding orgasmic bliss in incredible ways and places. Her steamiest experiences taught her a ton about sex, pleasure and her body – lessons she pays forward in her work.
Hear all about the women’s sexuality educator’s steamy journey, plus her top advice for experiencing your first or hotter orgasms in the new Girl Boner Radio episode!
Stream it on Apple Podcasts/iTunes, iHeartRadio, Amazon Music, Spotify or below!
Or read on for the transcript.
“A Spicy, Enlightening Orgasm Journey: Jordan D’Nelle”
a Girl Boner podcast transcript
August (ad): It’s a new year and many folks have their sights set on new goals or aspirations. Or, if you’re like me, you prefer a theme or word to carry into the year. Rather than resolving to something that seems daunting or not fun, why not put pleasure at the top of your priority list?
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Jordan: So I really learned about passion and how being connected with somebody with that like desire and the passion behind it is also important. But what I also learned is that
When we think of sex, we always think of sex as orgasm. And we also think of sex as penetration. And it really opened up my definition of what sex can look like and what pleasurable experiences can be that don’t involve that at all.
[encouraging, acoustic music]
Jordan D’Nelle is a women’s sexuality educator, intimacy coach, and physician associate. And her orgasm journey that became very spicy and full of lessons started with – well, absence. And some misunderstanding.
Jordan: Yeah, the first memory that comes up for me was the first time my mom found out that I was having sex. This was a very interesting conversation because she asked me, “But did you?” And I never knew what, “but did you” mean. I assumed in my head, “but did you go down on him?” Because to me, I was thinking like pleasure is all about my partner.
Did they have a good experience? Never once did I think she was asking me, but did you orgasm? And that’s what she actually intended to know. Like later on in life, we’ve had conversations about this, but I never knew about orgasm growing up and so that never really made sense to me when she asked that.
I was about 16. I was in a relationship, but that’s not who I actually lost my virginity to but my mom didn’t know that at the time. She assumed that the relationship that I was in was the time that I did actually lose my virginity.
August: Oh my gosh. How did it come up to her? Did you have just a really open stream of conversation with your mom?
Jordan: I don’t even remember how it happened, We were standing in the kitchen, and she just asked me, but did you? And my answer was, “well, of course I did,” because again, I’m thinking that this is about giving him pleasure, going down on him. I had no idea that there was any other point really to having sexual intercourse.
That isn’t to say she hadn’t experienced sexual pleasure, though. In fact, Jordan had orgasms without realizing it.
Jordan: So I remember around nine years old, I had gone over to a girlfriend’s house and she was like, “Hey, you should try this. It feels really good.” Okay, cool. So I watched her do this. She got on top of a pillow and started grinding on the pillow. And so then I got on top of a pillow and started grinding on the pillow.
And then it felt good. And I’m like, Oh wow, this feels really great. So then I would go and share this with other girlfriends. Like, “Ooh, you should try this. This feels really good,” never conceptualizing that this ‘feel really good’ sensation is orgasm.
And there was a time later on through school, there was a really good girlfriend of mine.
We’d spend the night at each other’s house all the time. And eventually we progressed from humping pillows and grinding on pillows to then grinding on each other. And humping each other and having really sexually satisfying experiences that were not sexual in the were very platonic.
Once she’d turned 18, Jordan realized that orgasms exist – thanks to being exposed to sex toy companies that were “all about education,” she said.
Jordan: And that’s when I really learned like, Oh, what I was doing, how when I would use back massagers or when I would use pillows, that was all orgasm and never really understood that and never really understood like, Oh, you can have that same pleasure with a partner. I still don’t think I really understood it until I had my first orgasm with a partner.
She was 23 when that happened – and she was seeing someone pretty seriously.
Jordan: This was probably my first relationship. I had been in like casual relationships, high school relationships, which don’t necessarily count. College relationships again, like we’re just playing around, having a good time. A situation ship I guess,
And so this was my first relationship where there was emotional commitment, there was a lot more involved emotionally from me. And I think that that really compounded the experience. And for a long time in my life, I felt like I could only orgasm when that emotional component was there.I think that’s what made the huge difference was having that connection and that it wasn’t just casual sex.
We had probably been together a couple of months, but we ended up being together for about four years. And so it was a very serious relationship. I had traveled to see him in Ohio. We did not live in the same city. I had actually met him at a conference. He was a stripper. I picked up the stripper, took him home that night. We started dating.
So I had gone to visit him during this time frame and I don’t really remember exactly what led up to it other than I was on top and then all of a sudden I’m like, oh shit, this is the same sensation I feel when I’m using my toys, when I’m playing alone. And then I was like, Oh, this is what people are talking about.And that’s when it all hit me.
She could experience orgasms during sex with a partner. And that changed just about everything.
Jordan: I feel like I have never been the same when it comes to sex and that sex is so much different and also very goal oriented sometimes. I am focused on getting that orgasm because I know how good that feels for me.
Jordan met that goal many times during a particular vacation. Which served as proof that a committed relationship wasn’t actually a prerequisite for her orgasms.
Jordan: So between that time, that relationship ended and I completed PA school and was treating myself to a luxury experience, an international trip with a girlfriend of mine to the Dominican Republic. I had never been there before. We were just going for a week to celebrate all of our accomplishments and to have a really good time.
August: That’s awesome. Did you have any expectations? It sounds like it turned into a very sexy vacation. Were you anticipating having sex on this trip? Did you have hopes?
Jordan: Yeah, there was no anticipation or expectation of sex. It was just a girl’s trip, you know, an all inclusive resort. We are going to hang out. We’re going to celebrate. We’re going to connect. She was in med school, so I hadn’t seen her in like four years either. And we were just meeting up in the Dominican for a really good time together.
That “really good time” heated up quickly.
Jordan: When we were in the Dominican the local people are working at the resorts. And so we had gone to breakfast or lunch, one of the meals. And we met these guys and we were like, “Oh, they’re kind of cute.” They don’t really speak any English, which was kind of fun. Like we were communicating in my broken Spanish and their broken English, which is a very interesting way to communicate.
They are not supposed to fraternize with their guests. That’s part of their laws or whatever. Somehow we ended up with one of their phone numbers and decided to meet up with them outside of the resort and go to a club with them.
We go to the club that night and we’re just hanging out. We’re having a good time. They’re taking care of us. So they took us over to this restaurant. We get some empanadas. They were some of the best empanadas I’ve ever had at like three, four in the morning. They were so warm. They were, ah, delicious. Then we go to walk down this alley to take us back home. at the end of the alley, it’s blocked off. And I grab my best friend and I tell her, I’m like, This is how it ends. Like all horror movies, this is how it ends.
August: Oh no!
Jordan: We turn around and there they are and nothing happened. And we proceed to go home. So you have all of this like fear and like, Ooh, what’s going to happen? We don’t really know. Like, we’re not trying to be sexual with them at this point. We were just going out and hanging out as friends and having a really good time.
So we end up making it back to the hotel that night, and then the next day we decide to get together again. We go back to the club with them, we’re having a good time, they take us to get empanadas again, and then this time they take us to a hotel. And we decided to name this hotel the Ho Ho Hotel. These guys, the money that they are spending on us this week is probably their entire month’s earnings.So they rent the hotel for us. We go upstairs, we have two separate bedrooms and we’re just kind of talking, but we can’t really talk because we don’t know each other’s language. So it’s all through body language and listening to the other person’s body, the few words that we know. And eventually we have sex.
And I remember just telling him “mas leche” as in like, come for me something, you something about like the milk. I’m like telling him like mas leche and we are just having this highly erotic experience when we just can’t communicate other than through our bodies.
After that, the four of us continue to hang out, and then the next day… they decide to call in sick for work. And we rent a car and they take us on this amazing experience. They really wanted to show us some of the beautiful places in the Dominican.
We had our own personal tour guides and they took us to this cathedral. Again, we’re sitting in the back of the car together, the car that is in her name. We look at each other and we’re like, this is how you end up sex trafficked. We’re like, here we go. Like again, that little bit of fear, we don’t really know what’s going to happen.
And they take us to the most beautiful cathedral. We have an amazing time. And then they take us to this private beach that only the locals know about, probably one of the prettiest beaches I have ever been to, and we have lunch. They order us a fried fish that we’re all splitting. It was so cute. It was so beautiful.
And it’s just so wild how throughout all of this, we don’t know what’s happening. We don’t speak Spanish. They don’t speak English.
So eventually we decide to go for a little walk into the jungle. in the jungle, you don’t really know what you’re going to expect. There are animals everywhere.There might be people also going on a walk, but that anticipation, that surprise kind of can be really hot and turn you on. So next thing you know, I am bent over a tree and there we are having sex in the Dominican Republic jungle.
August: Did you have just a moment of like, this is happening? It must have felt surreal.
Jordan: Yeah, it was very much like, Is this real life? Is this really how it works? It felt so natural, the way that we were able to communicate without many words.
When the trip ended, Jordan and her friend basically said goodbye and went on with their lives.
But to this day he will still Facebook message me and ask me how I’m doing. And he has since had a kid. And uses Google Translate because you can tell just the way that it’s translated.
But there was so much passion in these experiences with him it was another level of sex, really.
Jordan credits their unique ways of communicating for that. I’m sure the novelty, surprises and time with a kind and sexy stranger helped, too. And the whole escapade taught her a lot about pleasure.
Jordan: I think that’s when I really started understanding and seeing how pleasurable experiences can be and how it’s not just the sex. It’s the entire experience that builds up to create a really enticing, pleasurable moment.
August: I love that. Because your sex was this whole story. If you had just said, I met this hot guy and then we banged on a tree. That’s such a different thing than, and then we got whisked away and we’re walking through the jungle. I mean, it just adds all this anticipation you’re having all this, sensory pleasure the whole time.
Several years later, Jordan experienced a whole series of orgasmic moments in one fell swoop — we’re talking 21 climaxes in 24 hours.
Jordan: I had met a guy. I don’t know if he just has the right angle, the right curve or what it is, but man, he is so patient. And just let me just keep doing whatever I need to continue coming. And it became a competition to see how many times I could come.
It started probably like in the evening and then the morning and then the following evening. You know, we both went to work during the day. So it was just kind of like this 24 hour experience, which, you know, really means that you came 21 times in probably a total of like eight hours, but
August: Yeah. Were you just radiating orgasmic glow?
Jordan: Yes. That dewy glow. The, the big smile
August: How did you feel after the 24 hours?
Jordan: Like I wanted more.
August: That’s the beauty of orgasms, isn’t it? It’s not like you have one and you think, That’s good. I’m done forever. It’s like, Dessert again, please.
Jordan: And some more! And again and again, yeah.
Another thing Jordan wanted more of was guys, all at one time. A desire that came into fruition.
Jordan: So I had this fantasy and there was a play partner that I had who I had expressed it to and he decided to make it come true for me. One day we kind of had this plan and he’s like, meet me at my house. Key is under the mat. Meet me in the room naked and waiting. I’m like, okay, deal.
I knew that he had kind of this plan that there was somebody else involved. Didn’t know who, didn’t know anything about it. And so I show up and he comes into the room and he blindfolds me and he puts me on my knees and I begin to give him oral sex. And then eventually he has his friend that comes into the room and joins us. And it was so hot to be dominated by two men where the one that created this scene is dictating and telling the other person what to do. It was the hottest experience.
August: Mmm, did anything surprise you about it? It sounds like you had been thinking about
Jordan: Yes. I was really surprised. So I typically am somebody who only orgasms on top. But in this particular situation, because all of your control is released, you’re just, you’re just being. And for me, I felt like I was being manhandled in a beautiful way. It allowed me to receive so much more pleasure vaginally than I typically notice. I did not orgasm from vaginal penetration in doggy style. However, I was very close and I could tell. So it just opened up like the world of ways to achieve orgasm for me.
Jordan has also learned a lot about pleasure that involves no orgasm at all… That started during another trip, this time to Mexico.
Jordan: I was in Cancun. I had met this guy online. It was a group of individuals, about a hundred people flying out, a group trip. And I had seen him online before I had been watching him. I’m like, Ooh, he’s hot. I definitely need to talk to him.
So we get out to Mexico and he shows up, we talk a little bit, it’s pretty casual, and then he messages me on Instagram, or I guess it was Facebook at this time, and he says, “Do you finally have time for me?”
And I was like, “Ooh, yes, I do. Yes, please.” So I go down to his room and we really had never had a conversation before this. We’d kind of seen each other, said hi, but that was about the extent of it. And I go down into his room and we start talking, hanging out, candles are lit, it’s a dim mood in there, the lights are off, soft music is playing, and we’re just really learning about each other. It was really hot.
Eventually he’s like, “I want to give you a massage.” And I’m like, “okay.” This particular day I was on my period and some days I want to have period sex. Some days I don’t, it just kind of depends. So there I am laying on his bed and he’s giving me a massage. I wore a dress so he could massage my full body very easily.
There’s just so much like passion and pleasure. And then he flips me over and we’re like making out. And it was like that deep, intense, like, Ooh, makes you get chills in your spine type kiss. And then eventually he carries me into the bathroom and sets me on the counter and we’re kissing and we’re touching and we’re just feeling on each other. And we get into the shower together. I end up going down on him because I love, I love to give head. That’s one of my favorite things. So I go down on him. His experience does end in orgasm and ejaculation.
However, I did not have any penetration. There was no orgasm for me, but being able to also give my partner that type of passionate pleasure, mmm, it was so juicy.
August: Wow. What did you learn from that experience? It sounds like it was pretty different from what you’d experienced before.
Jordan: It was! So I really learned about passion and how being connected with somebody with that like desire and the passion behind it is also important. And there is a time and a place for all of these different experiences. And you can feel something different from each and every one of them. But what I also learned is that when we think of sex, we always think of sex as orgasm.
Did somebody ejaculate? Was there orgasm? And we also think of sex as penetration. And it really opened up my definition of what sex can look like and what pleasurable experiences can be that don’t involve that at all.
August: And during your period, what a beautiful time to experience that.
August: That should just be in the period guidebook. Here’s one way to feel so much better if you’re feeling like crampy or just a little blah, just, oh, that is, is really beautiful.
Jordan: Mm hmm. And just to be able to receive when you’re on your period I think is a really important thing that sometimes we don’t allow ourselves to do. Because we’re like, Oh, we don’t like the blood. It’s messy. It smells. Yes. And if your partner is okay with that or your partners, it, it doesn’t matter. So getting to the place of allowing ourselves to receive that pleasure I think is so helpful.
All of these happenings — sex with a stranger in an exotic place, the spree of orgasms in one day and pleasure and passion sans climax — helped inspire Jordan’s work in the sexuality field. Her work actually officially started after that last one. The roots were apparent far earlier, though…and a health scare played a big role, too.
I’ve always been the girl that my friends go to to talk about sex and pleasure and STIs. Me being open about all of my experiences I think has really helped a lot of my friends embrace their desires openly as well. And so that’s really what led me to the work that I do in that I help other people feel comfortable in their own experiences and also learn how to receive desire and have more pleasurable experiences outside of what we are taught, outside of penetration.
And so it did start kind of after all of those stories. And it also started after my own personal experience being tested positive for an STI. That is really what started my journey in that I wanted other people to know that you can still have sex and you will still have sex and people do still want you and it does not take away a positive STI diagnosis does not take away from what you offer or who you are.
I think when I first was diagnosed, that was something I did not know. And it very isolating and very alone. And once I realized that I wanted to make sure other people knew that they didn’t have to be there either.
Today, Jordan leads the SHE women’s group. She stands for Seductive, Hypnotic, Erotic. She also offers individual coaching and hosts the podcast, Vaginas, Vulvas, and Vibrators, which explores sexual health and wellness.
As you can imagine, Jordan has a lot of wisdom to share around these topics.
Jordan: I think my favorite piece of advice is to continue staying curious about your body and to continue to explore because what you do every single time can feel different depending on the time of the month. It can feel different depending on the person, the situation, the environment, everything. And so continuing to explore your body and see what feels good for you at that time.
I just saw a reel on Instagram about this , about people who do like the Morris code setting on their vibrator, the zzz, zzz, zzz, zzz, zzz, versus those who do like just the zzz, the regular. And continuing to play with different sensations like that, different locations on your body when you are self exploring or when you are in some type of partnered experience, it doesn’t have to be the same thing every single time. And just stay curious about your body and continue to learn.
[encouraging, acoustic music]
Learn more about Jordan at jordandnelle.com. If you’re not sure which of her offerings is ideal for you, send her an Instagram DM and she’ll guide you.
To join me and three fellow podcast hosts and sexuality experts – Nicoletta Heidegger, Dr. Nazanin Moal and Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn – live in Los Angeles on February 10th, get your tickets to Afternoon Delight. We also have a virtual, on-demand video option. We’re super excited to share tips, exercises and stories aimed at elevating pleasure in our life, whether you’re single or partnered.
Head to adlive.eventbright.com to learn more and register. I would love to see you there. As always, thanks so much for listening.