Have you ever been involved in a long distance relationship? A survey about LDRs, conducted by SexualAlpha, was released earlier this year. About one third of the tens of thousands of people surveyed ended up closing the distance at some point. Another third said they wouldn’t choose a long distance relationship again – but two thirds were open to it.
Today you’ll hear new stories from two past guests who attempted to keep things spicy from a distance, with mixed results. You’ll also hear related advice, plus expert tips for talking dirty from any distance.
Or read on for a lightly edited transcript.
“Hot Sex From a Distance + Dirty Talk Tips”
a Girl Boner podcast transcript
Indie romance author EF Dodd was in graduate school when she met a guy with whom she would share some spiciness from afar. Let’s call him “Fred.” It all happened some 20 years ago — pre-smart phones and Facetime.
EF: There was no FaceTime, there was no Zoom, none of that. The cell phone I had at that point was like, we called it a transformer ’cause it was more than meets the eye. ’cause it was like the kind that folds out, you know? Oh my god, I remember my dad just got absolutely irate with me. Because the phone bill for long distance for like one month was just in the hundreds of dollars. And he was like, “Whatcha doing?”
August: Oh my gosh. [ laughs]
EF: Yeah. I mean it was just, you know, and you didn’t use cell phones because that was still when you know your minutes on your cell phones cost even more. They were to call your parents when you got back to college and literally say, “I’m here!” Click. [laughs]
August: Yeah, as short as possible. “You alive? Great. Bye. See you at Thanksgiving.”
EF: Yeah. Yeah.
[phone hangs up, dial tone… then upbeat 90s club music]
EF and Fred met when they were both out in the small town.
EF: Our first date was a haunted house ’cause it was October.
That seems kinda perfect to me. You might recall that EF’s first Girl Boner appearance involved a date she went on that was creepy in another way. Do you remember autopsy guy?
Anyway, EF and this guy experienced distance twice — first during the summer, when EF got a job in a different city. Then after they both graduated, Fred moved back to his home town – also a distance away.
EF: That was right before the iPhone came out. So you had these like, I guess it must’ve been a Blackberry which sounds so funny to say. That was my first, you know, real fancy cell phone. Obviously you could do texts a lot easier on that, and you could do picture messages, uh, grainy, terrible images,
August: So what was your intimacy, your sexual connection, maybe your sex life with this person before you went long distance?
EF: It was good. I mean, that was a part of our relationship that we never had issues with. But so for me at the time he and I got together, I had only ever been with one other person. I think at that point in my life, I had a different viewpoint on sex in a relationship, that you didn’t have one without the other, I guess. And so we waited and I mean, my friends would tell you, I made him wait. for, let’s see, we had dated at least a year, maybe a little bit more before we slept together. There were a lot of steamy makeouts that ended with cold showers. [shower running, female moan]
August: Once the relationship became more serious, is that when you decided it’s time to have sex?
EF: Yeah, that was my view. And I think part of it, too, was that I knew he had had…I hesitate to call them relationships, but we’ll say interactions, uh, with other girls that were in school with us. .
Basically sex with no strings attached.
EF: So I think that in the beginning I wanted to make sure he knew I was looking for if we were gonna have something together. Yes, I was very physically attracted to him, but I wanted a relationship with somebody.
When they did start having sex, EF said, she was pleased to find that they were very compatible in that way. And when they moved apart but stayed together, they found ways to keep those fires going. Though they didn’t talk a whole lot about it.
EF: I feel like now those kinds of things are talked about a lot more. Like you would have a plan with your significant other. I mean, we had no plan.
We used texting more than phone sex. I think, because it’s easier y to write about it than to say it. Because I’ll be honest with you, I feel like if I had tried to say the words that I typed, I would’ve just laughed. And you don’t wanna laugh. You don’t want it to, because it’s not funny. But it’s just more of like the nervous laugh you sometimes get at a funeral or something like that that’s so inappropriate, but it still happens.
And so, they stuck to sexting.
EF: And he was, I don’t wanna say better at it, but he was more verbose than I was.
At that point I had had two sexual partners, and so I was less experienced than he was. I would say, he was more comfortable, saying things about it than I would be.
I enjoyed how descriptive he was in what he would like to do or what he would picture us doing or what he wanted me to do. You know, that helped me to respond. He was also more likely to send like a racy photo than I was just because in the back of my mind, there’s always, well, what if he loses his phone?
I do think for me, it helped that he was comfortable initiating, because I don’t know at that point that I would have, and I also don’t know at 22, that I would’ve been confident enough to bring it up. But he was good, about initiating in a way that wasn’t too over the top. There was never just PLAM, picture! (laughs)
As we started that portion of our relationship, it was mainly the written word, which I enjoyed. Maybe even then I wanted to write romance books. I don’t know, but it was, I guess, a different kind of love letter, if that makes sense. A little perverted love letter maybe, a naughty love letter.
The kind that stoked the flames, whether they brought the fantasies into fruition in the moment or not.
August: Were you sexting each other and acting them out, or was it more just like, sexting each other to keep this heat alive?
EF: It was more of the latter. Well, I can’t speak to his part. He may have. But for me it was more of the latter like you keep that, like you say, keep that heat alive between you.
But that heat wasn’t enough, at least not to sustain a longer lasting relationship.
EF: For us, the real problem was, during that period of time, I think we saw each other twice, maybe three times. And again, because we were both young starting our careers and a plane flight’s not cheap.
And so I think for us, the real death nail for the relationship was, if neither one of us were willing to make a change, and move, then there was really no point in continuing the relationship. I think it’s easier now for long distance, but I think even now it’s still helpful to have a plan where the distance part is gonna come to an end. Because there’s something to be said to, having someone there and actually there with you, having that physical presence of that person next to you, whether it’s just having them come home to you at the end of their day so that you can sit down and have dinner together or, just being able to reach over and touch ’em while you’re watching TV together. It’s so much more than just the sexual aspect of it to me. It’s just the emotional intimacy you get from spending time with another person.
I’m by no means an expert in it nowadays. But from my perspective, long distance is fine for a while, but eventually you need to bring it to the point where you’re together. ’cause otherwise, there’s always gonna be a part in your relationship I feel like that’s missing.
EF’s latest book, Almost Perfect, involves some long distance sex and romance. It features a relationship between Dave, a bartender, and Vivian, a pediatrician.
EF: Essentially in her mind, it’s gonna be a weekend fling. She’s gonna step outside of her comfort zone and try a, a, a guy that’s outside of what she usually looks for. And Dave convinces her that they can try and make things work.
And so, they try to make things work long distance.
EF: And the fun part of the book for me was just the research that I did on what tools are available to help with long distance romances now.
There is a scene where she looks at all these articles and there’s advice on everything from lighting to angles to what to wear.
And the internet has its dark corners. But it’s also nice, that if you have these questions and you have these concerns and you’re a little bit straight laced, like V is, you don’t necessarily have to vocalize them to your friends or to someone else. You can hop on the old internet and see what’s out there.
And yes, EF’s experience trying to navigate long distance sex and romance way back when totally informed her decision to write this book.
EF: You can’t help but think, well, I wonder what would’ve happened, you know, if it would’ve been easier, if it would’ve been less stressful if it would’ve been X, Y, or Z if we had had the availability of, you know, zoom or FaceTime.
One scene in the book, that involves FaceTime, is particularly spicy.
EF: Yeah. Well, my favorite aspect of it, I think, is when she brings up the idea to him. And so they have to schedule their FaceTime dates. So they say, okay, well it’s gonna happen at such and such time. And then it gets closer and closer to that time. And finally he just texts and says, I would you, let’s just do this I’m ready now. And so that gives her an extra boost of confidence too, that he’s so vocal about, let’s do this.
So that was probably my favorite part of it, was just that it embraces the need for communication and just being open and honest with your partner. And it acknowledges that everybody gets nervous about it because you should!
Sexual intimacy is vulnerable, after all – and butterflies are totally normal when you’re trying something new.
Sometimes they show you care.
Pleasure from a distance – product recommendations
August (ad): I tried something new some years ago when my partner at the time was traveling for a few months. I had a sex toy shipped to his hotel room as a surprise — and he, and we, made great use of it from afar.
If you and a partner would like to share some sexy fun from different rooms, cities, states or countries, here are a few cool products that can help. They’re all available at The Pleasure Chest.
First, Lovense Remote toys — including vibrators and cock rings. They sync up with an app, so you or your partner can choose various sensations for you from afar. You can also create customized pleasure playlists for each other, to enjoy solo any time.
Second, erotica novels. The Pleasure Chest has a bunch of fun ones to choose from, from The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty by Anne Rice, Curvy Girls: Erotica for Women. Gift each other a sexy book to read to each other.
You may recall podcaster Jenay Leger from the recent segment on ho phases. One adventure you didn’t hear about then was her long-distance romance with the ex she called “Idaho guy.” They met there, in Idaho, and while they were dating, she moved back to the East coast and he moved overseas.
Jenay: I lived in New England and he was actually deployed in Qatar.
August: Wow. And before he left, did you have a decision about how you navigate sex?
Jenay: We kind of played with a lot of things like sexting, pictures, Skype. sex. That was pretty much the extent of it. I mean, that’s really all that we could do, but that was, that was really, really enjoyable and fun.
Though not all of it was easy, of course.
Jenay: Something that I had to get used to was a lot of self pleasure, obviously. I think it was really hard when you were doing the Skype sex, it was really hard because it’s like you just wanted that connection, you wanted just to be able to touch each other. but it was just that lack of physical contact that was really like, wow, I really just miss that.?
On the plus side, their sexy whisperings went well.
Jenay: The dirty talk was really good. I think we got really comfortable and good because sometimes you know You can be a little shy to say it through a phone or whatever. But I think that’s something that we got really comfortable with and then it kind of became easier.
I was still living with my parents at the time so I was always like, oh my god I need to be kind of quiet because I don’t want my parents to hear this but yeah, I think the dirty talk was pretty spot on.
If you want to make the most of sex from a distance, Jenay suggests intentionally setting aside time.
Jenay: Whether it be weekly, whether it be every other day, but to set time aside for you to have a video call. Because I think when you are apart, you know, it can get so busy, you can get so caught up in things, but that time together is so important obviously because you’re not physically together.
And then I think, too, just being overly communicative with kind of everything like “Hey, I’m gonna be really busy Monday through Thursday this week. So I might not get to be calling you or texting you as much, but I really look forward to our little date FaceTime on Friday evening.” So I think just being overly communicative about What’s going on in your life, what you need, and vice versa to the other person.
For Jenay, the cliche held true: The distance, and how they managed it, really did make their hearts grow fonder.
Jenay: And when you do get to see each other, it’s that much more special. Because you don’t see each other every day and it you think about, oh my gosh, well, I want to do this and I want to do this with this person and really just kind of making that time together just so, so important because, like I said, you don’t get it every single day. So yeah, I think it kind of sparks the fuel a little bit.
I love that both EF and Jenay brought up the importance of communication — and the potential hot perks of a very sexy type of those convos.
Whether you call it dirty talk or something else, erotic words, whether texted, whispered, spoken or between moans — can be very, very hot. They can also feel a bit embarrassing or intimidating if it’s something new for you.
So I pulled up a fun throwback clip from sex therapist, Dr. Megan Fleming, when she weighed in for a listener who wrote in with this:
“What are your top tips for talking dirty? And do you think you can help spice things up? I feel funny starting all of a sudden, seeing as I have been with my partner for some time and we are usually almost silent, aside from moans and breathing.”
Dr. Megan: Love this question. Although, I might reframe dirty talk to sexy or erotic talk, because there’s nothing dirty about it. Unless, of course, that’s part of your turn on.
So let me just start by saying we never start as expert. So I don’t want you to have unrealistic expectations. I want you to have fun and I want you to play. And I’m willing to bet your partner doesn’t expect you to be, and in fact, if you were amazing, they probably would think, how did you get to be so good?
And maybe even think you’ve been holding out on them. So the most important thing here is that you are interested in spicing things up and trying something new. And I imagine your partner is going to be So let me just sort of say that there is a continuum of erotic talk, and you yourself may not yet, yet‘s my operative word, be ready for sort of explicit, sort of what we typically consider raunchy or dirty talk, and that not everyone gets into it, and it doesn’t suit everyone’s tastes.
The other thing, however, that I think’s equally true, is that most of us don’t necessarily even know our true turn ons until we hear or experience them. And your talking erotically and sexy to your partner may help them actually tap into an erotic potential that they didn’t even know was there.
So I suggest starting talking in a way that feels sexy to you. It feels romantic or describes what you’re doing and what you already know is a reliable turn on. It doesn’t really matter where you start. The most important thing is that you do.
So here are my four tips. One, you can explore starting reading erotic stories aloud by yourself or with your partner.
Get used to saying those lines that make you really hot and bothered. Seriously, turn up the volume and say those lines loud and proud. Own the words coming out of your mouth. Tip number two, practice makes perfect. So start by practicing alone, in the mirror, on the way to work, while masturbating, anywhere you want, because it’s in your own mind and in your own head.
But ultimately, I do want you to practice out loud. So again, the mirror, in your car, masturbating are three great places. Three, erotic storytelling. This is where you get to start a story, and you get to set up the characters and the scene, and then you ask your partner to continue, and you take turns, really feeding off of each other’s energy.
And number four, another example or tip to try is make it a game. Say to your partner, “Tell me what you like better – when I stroke your balls like this or take all of you in my mouth like this.” So as I said, it may feel like a leap. The most important thing is that you get started and that no one size fits all.
So explore and practice what feels good to you both and just know that you absolutely are adding another layer of creative expression to your sex life. As always, have fun and enjoy.
I love those ideas. Here’s one more I recommend, if you prefer writing over speaking sexy words, like EF, or you just want to try something different.
Start an “Erotic Somethings” journal — a little spicy twist on sweet nothings. If you live together, keep the book in your bedroom and write sexy thoughts — whether that’s a sexy compliment, a hot experience you shared, a moment you loved during sex, or a fantasy you’d like to share.
Write in the book any time, then read it when you’re sharing some naked time…or any time you want to feel that added spark. From a distance, you could keep this in a private document online.
And really get creative. I think that’s such a big part of sexual spice.
To learn more about EF, visit efdoddwrites.com. Find her latest novel, Almost Perfect, on Amazon or your favorite bookseller. For more from Jenay, check out her podcast, My Naked Mindset. Her self-love gratitude journal is available on Amazon. For more from Dr. Megan Fleming, visit greatlifegreatsex.com.
Join me and three awesome colleagues live in Los Angeles! (or watch remotely)
To join me and three fellow podcast hosts and sexuality experts – Nicoletta Heidegger, Dr. Nazanin Moal and Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn – live in Los Angeles on February 10th, get your tickets to Afternoon Delight. We also have a virtual, on-demand video option. We’re super excited to share tips, exercises and stories aimed at elevating pleasure in our life, whether you’re single or partnered. Head to adlive.eventbright.com to learn more and register. As always, thanks so much for listening.