Sex Magic, Vibe Adventures, and Keeping it Sexy

“Sex Magic, Vibe Adventures, and Keeping it Sexy”

a Girl Boner podcast transcript

Madi: Our sexuality is so powerful. It’s so magnetic. And there’s something about harnessing that. Even if it’s just in a mindset thing of just remembering how powerful you are, I’m like, you got nothing to lose.

August/narration: Madi Murphy describes herself as an intuitive astrologer, entrepreneur, author, and messy human. A lot of that varies from what she might’ve imagined for herself growing up — but looking back, it makes sense.

Madi: This is like really funny. I am gonna call out my family a little bit, but the women in my family are very sexual, sensual, magnetic beings. All of their stories and the way I’ve seen men fall over them, well into seventies, eighties, I’m like, wow, we’re cooking with something here.

But at the same time, my mom had a lot of, I would say that good girl complex. So she would be like, “Madeline, like your bra strap is showing,” or “When your husband is the one who first gets to have sex with you.” And I’m like, wait, what? And so there was this interesting, like, I’m feeling into things at a young age of mom, I feel like you’re a very sexual being and, my aunts, and these stories I’m hearing about even my grandma.

But meanwhile I’m supposed to be in this puritanical, I am not a sexual being mode. I had a conflicted, kind of a shadowy relationship with my sexuality for the first 30 years of my life.

But I also was such a little horn dog. That’s why I’d be like, okay, okay, I won’t. But then I’d be like, I’m so curious about sex. luckily I had a gift with a very weird, quirky, also like sexually curious friend in that like we would go to Barnes and Noble and read like Penthouse Letters paperbacks, which were a thing back in the day where you could just like read erotica.

And I was like, this is awesome.

August: Ah, yay books!

Madi: Books. Yay. But no, truly my babysitting money was spent on a lot of of smutty-ass books that I loved. And gave me such a healthy channel for that.

I think the major thing about my sexuality though was I always felt like I was a goalkeeper. like sex was not for me to enjoy. It was like, ah, bat away the man, the boys , or make them earn it . no conversations around empowerment, pleasure. or like how sacred and, beautiful it was. ’cause I was simultaneously always a very spiritually inclined person. But I thought this was too disparate, very separate parts of me. Like my spiritual side and my sexual side. Even from a young age, I was like, these two things don’t make sense together.

August: How did that manifest itself then when you were , growing into adulthood and, and into your grownup sexuality?

Madi: I feel like everything in life, I am a proud late bloomer. Like, I’m always like a five year curve behind everyone on anything. At least five years, whether that’s figuring out myself or my career or my relationships and my relationship with myself and my sexuality, I think I like deemed it a little unsafe to be a sexual being.

How I view the world is like you manifest and you attract that which you are or that which you like think about yourself. So I manifested very non sexually exciting relationships. they were so flat. They were so one note, they were so dead. But no one was telling me. I had no, reputable or like trusted confidant or, you know, sounding board around me to say like, “Hey, that’s an important thing.”

Instead I was like, okay, I had a boyfriend. He treated me well. Like everything was fine. Passing grade, you know, like a B minus. Like, you’re not mean to me. You support me. You think I’m smart. You’re like a good guy. You do all the things, but our sex life was just not it.

And it was hard. I would put myself out there. I would take some big swings and I struck out.

August/narration:

For example, the time she tried to spice things up with dirty talk. She was seeing this guy.

Madi: We were long distance, so I was like, “Can we engage in a little dirty talk?” Like we’re not with each other a lot. Like let’s have a little fun. I think I like blew his mind and just asking for that. He was like giggling. He’s like, what? Oh my God. What? then finally, like he tried to do it. But I think he, he took it like a joke and it was bad.

He dropped the word wiener, let’s just say. Let’s just leave it at the word wiener was used. And I was like, just stop. Nevermind. We’re good.

August/narration: 

Still, she stuck with the relationship. And it got more serious.

Madi: We got engaged and I was like, really ready to marry this person. And my mind, I’m like, there’s just something missing. And it was actually the spiritual connection and the sexual connection.

I had just been kind of operating, checking boxes, kind of keeping up with the people around me. And I didn’t see a good example for like, oh, you don’t really need a deep spiritual connection. What does that even mean? You don’t really need a good sexual connection.

‘Cause you know, as long as he’s a good person, he treats you well. the reason usually you break up with someone are big life changes or differences or someone cheating on you. Or this just being like, oh, we are just, he doesn’t wanna like my ass and talk dirty to me and like, give me good toe curling orgasms. That didn’t feel like a reason to break up. And so we were set to be married. 

August/narration:

And that’s when everything started to change in Madi’s life.

Madi: I had a wild many circumstances that happened at once, that sort of shook me awake to be like, babe, wake up. You’re living life on such a muted tone. You’re living like a black and white, autopilot autopilot version of your life.

I remember reading this book called Urban Tantra.  It just like spoke to me in this bookstore. the stories in this book just kind of validated something about like the sexual and sensual and the spiritual all being interwoven and it just gave a language to something that I always felt intuitively but felt sort of crazy for believing in.

That just put me on a path, things started happening in my life I couldn’t ignore. I had pushed so much below the surface and just trying to fit in. I put that mask on of like, I am happy normal girl. This is a good life. Like, I’m gonna be married and this is all the things you’re told to want and a good, you know, stable relationship and big wedding. But everything just kind of conspired to say like, no. And I called off my wedding about three weeks out.

From there, like time sort of collapsed into rapid fire, growth, expansion, evolution. It was one of the first moments I really understood the power of your intuition. Like, oh, this isn’t random, that you keep getting sick, that you can’t eat, that you can’t sleep, that you’re having all these pings and dreams and signs.

I was like, am I having like a psychotic break? I was like, I’m getting kind of crazy, but I feel like everything is telling me, like song lyrics are talking to me.I’m getting people pulling me off the street being like, I should just tell you this random story about calling off a wedding. And I’m like, what is happening? And then, um, that is when like my life really began, I have to say like, that is when my story got good. ’cause I started living my life like, okay. 

I’ve sort of made this declaration around me like I am gonna do things for myself and whatever that means. Like I’m gonna stand 10 to toes down on it. And it opened up so much for me. And a big thing was like, trust in myself.  

August/narration:

This all happened in New York City. 

Madi: Just being in such a little like East Village hippie girl all run around town. I was 27 at this time, so I’m gonna get into astrology for a moment here and anyone can tune me out if they’re not interested.

But then I found out later on that it was me calling off my wedding, or my wedding was basically the week leading into my Saturn return, which is an astrological rite of passage that happens where like you are put to the test of like, are you gonna live an authentic life and things will, can kind of fall apart so you can build your life again on purpose.

And a big theme in my astrology of my Saturn return was in a sign of Scorpio, which rules sexuality and sensuality and power and secrets and like kind of all the taboo things in our society.

August/narration:

Madi told me a Saturn return usually happens around age 27 and peaks shortly after that. It’s marked by a big crossroads, a time when you may ask yourself if you’re living the life you really want. Is it time to put up boundaries? Or make a big pivot? And it can feel really scary. But, she said, it can really set you up for a beautiful next 20 years. And if you don’t listen, she says it can catch up with you later.

For Madi, at that time, she started to delve into her intuition, spirituality, sexuality — and curiosities she’d had forever.

Madi: As a child, I was very open to the spiritual world, very open to deeper knowing of things. Very curious. And then somewhere along that journey I talked about, I just kinda shut all that down. Didn’t feel safe. I didn’t feel I had no one to talk about it with.

I just felt kind of crazy. You feel like no one’s gonna take you seriously. And my whole thing in life is like, I had to be taken seriously. All of my friends were very serious, lvery like driven in their careers.

But what was cool about, you know, your life falling apart, it’s cool about imploding your whole entire life is then you have nothing to lose. So I’m like, you know what? All that shit I was into when I was younger. I’m gonna go back to it ’cause I’m kind of desperate enough to go back to, you know, like, what is this tarot, what is astrology? What is intuition? What is energy? and all stuff that had kind of poo-pooed, or traded for the sake of normalcy or fitting in, I was like, I have nothing else to lose. Like, I’m pretty much at rock bottom in terms of like, you know, this wedding I called off. I was supposed to move when I was married, my whole life was just like, pulled the plug out on it.

August/narration:

She said it led her to this really cool place.  

Madi: They say when the student is ready, the teacher appears. People just kept appearing in my path. Like literally I’d be out and someone would be like, you should come to this class or this workshop or a book would fall off of a bookshelf for me. And I’d pick it up. I was just in such a place of like such effort, energy that I was in such a place of trust, which is kind of beautiful when you have nothing else to lose.

I’m like, sure, why not? And I was just looking for answers. Like, who am I? Why am I here? What is this all about? Like I always felt there was a bigger reason, a meaning to life, to my life, to other people’s lives. And I was just trying to figure out what it was.

The promise and made my to myself was just to keep following my intuition. Like really tune in with myself of like, when you say yes to something, are you really meaning that? Yes. Or you trying to make someone happy. And this goes even down to like sex and like down to like consent and down to big life choices.

And down to where you’re going out to eat at night. When you’re saying yes or you’re just saying yes to be a people pleaser or to like not rock a boat, out of obligation pressure, or you really tuning in with those hell yeses and the hard nos. Even just that little distinction helped me kind of go down this path.

August/narration:

She did her intuitive work very casually on the side while she started other businesses.  

Madi: I always had a very entrepreneurial spirit. So I started a juice shop out on the east end of Long Island and then I started a coffee shop in Brooklyn. then that led me, to realizing that like, oh, all the spiritual tools that I was using to run my business, because anyone who’s ever run a business, it will break you and shake you in every possible way.

And that’s when I was like, I need different tools to run this business ’cause like I am stressed out. And so I started going even deeper with these studies of, energy intuition, meditation.

And then people started coming to me, women especially, how are you doing this? What’s happening? Tell me about this, tell me about that. As my husband called it, my cosmic side hustle became then my main thing. I was like, wait, hold on. I have  actually way more people who want to work with me or learn about this. 

In the beginning we were focusing on self-love, intuition, and pleasure and just anchoring women and entrepreneurs and creatives in those three energies and like what happened when you prioritize those three things. And pleasure was really big… I was even starting off, I was like, I can’t teach you about business or intuition without also teaching you about connecting your body and your pleasure. 

August/narration:

All of that led to some sexual adventures, including what she jokingly calls her sex toy hijinks. First, she met her now husband.

Madi: So I went from like almost getting married to someone who was very like, sex. It’s like we don’t talk about it. We don’t smile during it. We just have sex, we do it, we’re done. Definitely not centered around my pleasure. Let’s just put it that way.

To then flash forward to like, dating someone, you know, who very much was like, you know, intuitively led. Like, how did I even find this person in a million years? I don’t know. But this man that I was like, oh my God, this man lit a fire in my belly up to this point. I had shut off so much of myself from not feeling safe in my sexuality that I was starting to be like, am I asexual now?

’cause I would just not get turned. I’d be like. It’s not doing it for me. Men just gave me the ick, which now I understand rightfully so. Like there’s a lot of icky  maleness… There’s reasons she was not, she was not totally off base. But I had just kinda like shut and like numb just so much of myself.

I met this man and I was like, whoa, I need to like be in this man’s skin. I went from being like, I don’t give a f about men taking him or leave them, whatever. And then being like, what is this feeling?  I just wanna like, touch you and be close to you. And this crazy, like now I understand chemistry is a real thing.

It immediately just opened up. And from day one with him just feeling very open, I was like telling him stuff that like I never told anyone, showing him like my, you know, worts and all. shit that I hid below the surface so deeply.

Stuff I was ashamed about. Parts of my messy, parts of my personality. Childhood stories. I’m like, what am I doing? Like, who are you? But that also our sexual connection plus that just opened us up into this place of like, nothing’s off the table. I felt so safe with this person. I was like, “These are fantasies I have. This is what I like, what I don’t like.”

August/narration:

It brought her back to an early vibe memory.

Madi: I had a little like back massager in like high school that like I stole from like you know, Christmas gift my parents got and I was like, thank you, Sharper Image. And I would like, pleasure myself to no end with that thing.

I don’t know what happened to it. And then I remember an adult I was like so sheepish. I was like, “What do you think about sex toys?” And thinking that he was gonna like laugh at me or be like, why do you need sex toys? You have me.

But this is why I love this man who was who now I have put a ring on it with. He was like, ” “let’s go after work.” Like, let’s go to Babeland, let’s go, see what’s out there.” And I was like, oh my, I love this. It was so like validating for me of my younger self where I’m like, oh, this can be.

Sex can be deep and messy and raunchy and ratchet, but it could also be like playful and fun and cute. And we’re like giggling. We’re in babeland, like giggling, like we’re like, we don’t really know where this thing goes. Or like, how does this thing work?

And anyone who’s been to, Babeland it’s  like a higher  end  sex toy shop in..

August: A very feminist, sex-positive, right? It’s not one of those, like growing  up, the, the ones that the shops I had access to were a little scary…

Madi: Babeland’s like Apple Store meets the cutest boutique ever. Everything’s techy and colorful and lovely. But then we ended up going to a Chelsea sex toy shop that’s probably more what you’re describing, like the like purple dildo that’s the size of your arm and  or just some stuff that you’re like.

August: Yes! And made out of like jelly and smells weird…

Madi: And it’s flopping around. And we had no idea. Since then, I’ve realized, I actually just went to like a, a party with a woman who’s like a sex toy expert and she’s like asking all these questions of like, how you’re supposed to know what sex toys is good for you.

I’m like, oh, we didn’t know any of that. We just went in and we’re like, “That looks fun. This looks fun.” And then we got home, we were like really like kids in a candy shop. We tried everything, but the one thing I was laughing at there was this one Austrian sex toy and like, I swear to God had a mind of its own and we like had to put him away.

We were like, you’re going off at random times. we named all of them. It was so cool and it was just a really empowering experience because my husband/partner, he’s not someone who goes to  tantric breathwork circles… He’s the most norm core looking man on surface they’ve ever experienced.

But he is always like, “Is this gonna bring me closer to you? Is this gonna make you feel good? Is this gonna deepen our connection? The yeah. I am down.” And he makes it so fun.

It’s just one of those moments  you took the risk and it was one of those moments you landed here. And I’m like, this is really cool. This like beautiful man who loves you and you’re just giggling over four foot purple jelly dildos.. But you’re having a blast. You feel really alive.

August: I love that so much. I’m so happy you had that experience. It seems like it could even be healing compared to like the dirty talk rejection that you had. 

Madi: Talk about like having a shame and a shadow around my sexuality and then putting myself out there a little bit. Like, Hey, can you just say that like, you wanna touch my boobs, like when you see me or something, you know, or like, you miss me. Or you don’t even have to like, get into like, crazy vocabulary and for someone to like, laugh at you. and make it a joke, What that does to like your inner, it wasn’t my inner child. It was like my inner teen was like, oh, you’re a dirty slut.  Not in a good, fun way that you’re gonna learn about later. [laughs]

Because later you’re gonna like being called that, but in a different context. But like, this is like, oh, like you’re too much. You’re too sexual. You’re too big, it just made me feel like, woo, like a turtle, like back in the shell like. Okay. I’m never gonna ask for anything again, or do anything that’s like a little bit taking up space.

August: Yes. And then you did though. 

Madi: I did!

August: So courageous and so beautiful and powerful that you, took those steps and that they were so validated.

August/narration:

Madi told me she could talk until the cows come home about sex magic and astrology coming into her life after that. But here’s the basic gist. It was fueled by all the seeds she was planting — the Tantra book, studying empowerment. This was also around the time of the 2016 Women’s March. [march soundbite: “This is what democracy looks like…”]

Madi: We’re having different conversations in society about like, I’m like, okay, there’s a lot of cool stuff opening in my neighborhood. Very like feminist, queer liberation brand spaces. we’re having a moment.

I meet someone in a bookshop and she invites me to this event. It’s a moon circle. And I’m like, cool. But then she’s like, I also like owned like a lube company but she brought me to the circle like cool ass chicks. I was like, okay. And so we start talking about, you know, we’re doing manifestation work. 

Everything was just, these women weren’t like crunchy new agey. They were real women in New York City doing really cool things in, arts and entertainment and hospitality and politics even. This one woman I remember, she’s like. She was saying everything that I just didn’t have words for that I felt.

She’s like, your sexual energy is not only sacred, which I was like, check, I got that. She’s like, your sexual energy is your creative energy. Your sacral chakra, the part of your body where you create life is also the part of your body that you tune into to create your life, like your co-creative energy.

And if you’re not using that energy for yourself, if you’re not using that to stir up like your inner sorceress, like co-creative, peak manifestation energy, like you’re just wasting that.

So, and it all again just like made sense.

Just those things that you hear and you’re like, this is not new information. It’s almost like a part of me is remembering like something really ancient in me. And then they were talking about all this like sex priestess work they did, but I was just like, yeah, like hell yeah.

So they were like, conjure this energy, like create this like orbit of, your breath and, and it tune into this. They gave us a whole ritual to do and like bring yourself through the cusp of orgasm and back and back and back. And then when you finally release, like visualize something or better yet, like, call something out that you want.

So of course I go home this night and I’m like, I’m gonna do this, but also I’m gonna do it with my partner. And so I, again, my now husband, he’s like — I love him. He’s a bro. You know, works in finance. He played college football.

August: You came home and said…

Madi: “We’re gonna do sex magic.”

August: “We’re gonna like yell at our intentions during orgasm.”

Madi: Yeah.

August: Okay. [laughs] And he’s like, “Oh boy, now what…”

Madi: Yeah. Now what, with this girl. But he is like, we’re gonna have sex. He’s like, cool. Sure, why not? Whatever you want.

So we did this whole ritual. In my mind’s eye it’s like, oh, we’re in a temple and there’s gonna be like candles everywhere.

And it’s like, no, we’re just in our room. How are we doing this? Are we gonna say 1, 2, 3, and then shout out what we’re manifesting? How does this go? He’s like, “I don’t know. You’re the one like driving.” I’m like, “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

We did let it be intuitive and we had fun. The thing I shouted out, I literally shouted out like a number, a money amount that I wanted to make, which is like very, like literal. He’s like, “oh, I didn’t realize we were making such like a direct ask.” I’m like, “I don’t know how this works.”

And so we’d like laugh, we’d do it. We don’t think much of it. And then weirdly, in a weird series of events, he ended up losing his job because they were moving the company to Europe. He didn’t wanna move. Went on his long job hunt, nothing was working. And so one night I was like, “We should do that sex magic again, like right out the list that you want.”

He had so many things that almost worked out and then fell through last minute. But they weren’t good fits. They weren’t very value aligned. So we wrote the list out on a cocktail napkin, in a restaurant, I was like, we’re going, we’re doing our sex magic.

He’s just like. “Maddie, these are like real life things happening. I need to get a job. I’m like, no, I know. That’s why we’re gonna do the sex magic.” I’m like, “Honey, I know, I’m on it.”

So we had this list of like the 10 things he wants out of this job and how he wants to feel his new career.

I’m like, I’m gonna do through the ritual, you to visualize yourself in the office having these things at the time of your orgasm, all this stuff. wW did it.

And like, he literally got his dream job. It was like 10 days later. He had this amazing offer. Someone, his old coworkers pulled him in. So I’m not saying it was like just a sex magic, but it, it wasn’t nothing.

We’ve used it since then for some things we’re like. should we go do that? And I have my clients do it. I have done it when I have big launches and it’s just something like, we’re so powerful.

Our sexuality is so powerful. It’s so magnetic. And there’s something about harnessing that. Even if it’s just in a mindset thing of just remembering how powerful you are, I’m like, you got nothing to lose. 

August: Why not? The worst case is you get to feel great.

Madi: Exactly how my husband’s thing was. He’s like, okay, best case we manifest something. Worst case, like we are just gonna feel good together.

August: Orgasms kind of a win-win for sure. That’s amazing. 

August/narration:

Another sex adventure unfolded at a concert. She calls this, the remote control vibrator gone wrong…

Madi: I feel like every few months we go through an era of like, ooh, a fun new like, project with our sexuality. Like one time someone was asking me like, what my hobbies were with my husband, I’m like, well, we like to travel. We go out to eat. We like to read books. I’m like, honestly, like, kind of just like our sexual relationship is our hobby. and he really leads, he’s very creative. He’ll just be like, let’s do this, let’s do that.

August/narration:

So a few years ago, he got Madi a remote control vibrator to wear in her underwear.

Madi: He’s like, “You have to wear this out.” And I was like, “Okay.” So we go to dinner one night and try to wear it, and I’m like, honey, I’m very sensitive. am I supposed to sit here and talk to you.

We’re in a well lit like French restaurant. There’s an elderly couple having an anniversary dinner next. I’m like, I can’t function right now. Like, I don’t know if I’m supposed to be able to talk to you, but like I’m unwell. I can’t do this. So we’re laughing because every time he puts it on I’m just like, okay.

So he’s like, “Take two, right?” because I’m sweating in public. So we’re going to a show shortly thereafter. And he’s like, “You’re wearing the toy.” And I was like, “What?” And he’s like, “Yeah.” And I was like, “Okay.”

August/narration:

So they go to the concert, vibing panties and all. And Madi has a blast.

Madi: I’m feeling myself so hard. What do we think happened?

August: So do you have like a massive orgasm in the middle of the concert?

Madi: Oh, I’m having multiple orgasms. I’m just coming in this concert. And then I’m like, oh my, I’m gonna have a really big one. I’m dancing, feeling myself. I’m like, am I a goofy dancer in this moment?

I’m like, I don’t give a shit how I look dancing. I’m having so much fun. I’m like moving. And then the thing just plops out of my underwear and falls on the floor and like bunny hops over to something. I’m like, she’s like, shit, shit. I’m like, maybe no one noticed.

August: Where did it land?

Madi: Okay. Anyone who’s ever been to Barry Ballroom, it’s a sticky floor, it’s just gross and it’s like dark in there. And there’s this like Scandinavian amazing singer and she all these cool like lights. And of course in this moment, this big like blue, like bright blue light on the stage, like illuminates the floor and you just see this little like hot pink lit up

It got so close this guy’s foot. I don’t think it touched him, but it was very close. And he looks down, and I pick it up and I just sprinted out of there.

August: Were you holding it or did you leave it there? 

Madi: No, no. I held it. That shit was expensive. I was like, I’m not leaving it on the floor. I will say, ’cause I had on, underwear, I had a skirt on. I love skirts. I don’t really wear a lot of like jeans and stuff, 

Eventually got lost in, in the moves of the shuffles. We lost the charger. And then recently my husband and I rebought one and I will say evolution of technology now they have this little magnet you clip on cause before it was just kind of floating around the underwear.

August: You know, there are probably so many people who had their panty vibrator just go fly in because someone had to tell them like, um, I was at church and… Maybe not church. 

Madi: [laughs] I would love that so hard . Can I get an amen?

August: Hallelujah! Maybe someone at the concert was like, “Hey, Babeland, your vibrator was crawling across my feet.”

Madi: No. Literally it was like a little, like neon, like little like cockroach. I was like, oh god! Stop. Like,

August: Oh my gosh. That is hysterically funny. That is so, so funny. What a great story.

Madi: We laughed so hard at that.

August/narration: 

Madi said the experience taught her a lot.

Madi: First of all, I have to say whoever likes wearing a vibrator in their underwear, go do it at a concert. It is such a cool experience. I am someone who is in my head a lot. I have a fast overthinking mind. So it’s very hard for me to drop into a moment.

Another kinda like spiritual lesson I learned this night was I was like, again, I’d been focusing a lot on pleasure.

I’d been talking about why it’s so important. And different things came up, obviously, like sex magic . I’m like, yes, empowerment. Yes. Like anywhere where you’re holding shame, you’re not living your power. Yes. Okay. But then this night I realized, I’m like, oh, pleasure is so potent because it brings you into the present moment and anyone who’s studied anything, right?

Eckhard Tole, The Power of Now, like any spiritual path, Buddhism, any theologian will tell you like. All of your powers in the present moment. It’s like you being too focused on the past, too, focused on the future. You can’t receive what life is trying to give you.

You’re not filled with inspiration, with creativity… You can’t do anything you are meant to do as a human, on the co-creative side when you’re not in the present moment. But it’s very hard to be present. It’s very hard. And it’s a practice and you have to practice it.

And I’m not good at meditating. I cannot sit on a meditation pillow for the life of me. I’m very fidgety. I’m very like ADHD neurodivergent. But being in a concert, normally I’m like trying to join the music, but I’m like, oh, someone’s standing in front of me. Or like, am I blocking someone? Should I have water?

Am I dancing too much, too big, too loud? Or do my shoes hurt? Oh, my tag is itching me, and I’m trying to enjoy the present moment. And you know, it’s why people probably do drugs when they go to shows. ’cause I’m just trying to enjoy the music and my head’s spinning. But this, the vibrating panty thing. Better than a drug. The music’s going and I’m just like, whoa. And everyone’s doing their own thing, so no one’s paying attention to me. So I’m like close to my eyes, I’m like feeling the music and I am here in the present moment.

And I’m looking at my boyfriend and I’m looking around, I’m like, life is amazing. And like holy shit. All this stuff I was worried about and all the clatter and static in my mind was just gone. I literally felt myself. I was like, I feel like radiant. happy and free and like not weighed down.

And it taught me that night. I was like, oh, that’s a place to get back to and that exists within you. And that is a place I really try to live my life. It’s not always perfect, but that night showed me like, oh, it’s available. And maybe not always have the vibrating panty on, but like there is a thing of like, okay, like. That when you’re in that space, good things happen and you attract good things and you’re open to life’s magic because you’re not blocking it.

August/narration:

That ordeal was back when Madi and her husband were engaged. Now, they’ve been together for 13 years. They have two kids together. Early on in the relationship she figured their spark might fizzle out over time. Instead, they’ve kept it alive.

Madi: That was a big concern of mine. I was like, I wanna have children. I want that experience. I’m very close with my family. I very maternal nature in some ways, but other ways I was like so scared of losing myself, losing my relationship, like, oh my God is so good. Like, we’re just so locked in on each other.

And I also just saw so many like archetypes or examples of motherhood, but I was like, that’s really not for me. no, I’m not that selfless. Like I don’t want that kind of a motherhood or like these like tropes about just like, okay, well you know, I’m a tired, bedraggled mother all sudden.

I was like, mm, not for me really. And it took me a while. We got married when I was 36 and so I finally was like, I think I’m ready to get married again. ’cause I was like, after almost getting married for the wrong reasons. I had to explore, I had to dissect I to deconstruct and dismantle a lot of like, why do you wanna get married?

Right? Like, what does that even mean? And then same thing with kids, like, don’t do things have a whole human just because other people are doing it and like these knee jerk reactions, and I talk about it in my book, this concept of the pressure, thisn invisible pressure you feel and like where does this come from?

I owe everything to that because it allowed me to really understand myself first and foremost in a really deep way and who I am, because motherhood will pull you away from who you are. you’re like, okay, the storm’s coming back and like I know how to come back to anchor into who I am outside of motherhood.

It also allowed me to have a really deep, exploratory time with my husband, where we got to learn so much about ourselves and really understand that who we are at our core is deeply turned on by each other. And that as long as we make that a priority, our intimacy, our pleasure, our fun, our curiosity, we have so much life force brimming, that we can show up better for our friends, our family, our work, and then of course, like now our children. But we really had to realize, we’re like, no, this is our priority. Staying connected to each other.

We would say one of our core values is just keeping it sexy. We love a sexy energy. We’re like, listen, life can be really hard. We’ve gone through a lot of hard things. We’ve both lost a parent over the past, year or two. We’ve had jobs ups and down.

We’ve had hard shit happen. But we’re like coming back to each other and having the space for intimacy and however that looks and evolving with life is like what helps both of us keep the air in the tires and going. So knowing that it was so cool to watch because I was still so scared. You know, I have all the normal fears of being a woman.

I was like, oh my God, my body, like it’s gonna change this and that. And yeah, all that was cool. But I think because I really was like, oh, nothing has to happen to you. Like, doesn’t have to be a story. You don’t have to just become pregnant, become a mom, and hang up this part of yourself. like I can’t be a slut just ’cause I’m a mom now.

I was like, that doesn’t have to happen. And I had the most radiant pregnancy. My husband’s like, “You are getting like hotter.” I’m like, “I know my belly’s so big, but I feel hot.” ‘Cause I realized so much of this is just stupid stories from society, the patriarchy, capitalism.

Who do you wanna blame today? I don’t know. But like all those mother, effers.  I was like, wait. I’m creating life. This is so sexy.

Sexy time looks a little different right after you’ve a baby. You’re like stitched up and it’s a little sensitive down there. But we found other ways to connect and, you know, it took a minute. we waited, we waited, we had sex. And he’s like, is this hurt? I’m like, actually, it’s okay. We’re really gentle. We’re okay. But you know, you’re not having a lot of sleep. I’m like, I don’t know if I feel sexy. He’s like, “No, you’re so sexy. We’re great.”

We actually got pregnant like the first time we had sex again.

August: No way. 

Madi: So then I get pregnant again. And now I’m like, okay, but for real, am I sexy now? Because now I’ve been pregnant for like two years.

I don’t know what’s going on in my body anymore. I don’t even remember how it feels to not be like nursing or pregnant. Like, I just feel like I’m kind of like bit up like a cow. I don’t mean that in a bad way. I mean like, I’m literally just like, children are breastfeeding on me a lot. And, but still we were like, nope, our core value is like sexiness.

So I’d be like, honey, we’re bringing the kids out. I’m putting on a body suit, my thigh, high boots and a little skirt, and we’re going out to like a sexy meal. And he’s like, got it. And so we’re like, with our double stroller out, and I’m in my little like, mini skirt, I’m just like, I refuse to just let my whole identity be like, you know, at the mercy of motherhood.

He meets me at that and he’s like, “Great, you need this, you need time, you need sleep. What do you need to be that woman who I love so much?” And I’m like, “Great, here’s what I need.” And he’s like, “Got it.”

He makes me feel sexy. And, I think what you give into a woman to make her feel sexy and feel safe will be returned to you 10,000 fold over.

August/narration:

She wishes more straight men understood that.

Madi: I’m like, honey, your life will change if you really dedicate yourself to being like, I’m sorry, in goddess worship. Like this is a woman.

She will open up everything to you if you make her feel safe and sexy.

August/narration:

She also depends on the stars to keep things passionate and connected.

Madi: Very recently, even, I used my astrology to be like, okay, we have this thing called the venous return that was coming up this fall. And I was like, let’s really lean into our venous return.

It’s once a year, you kind of get like a re-up of like your magnetism, your heart energy, your crush energy. We happened to go through ours at the same time and we just like doubled down and we like, got the babysitters. I went out, did the hair, like, what do I have to do to feel sexy?

And we have been like teenagers. We are laughing. We’re like, this is inappropriate. This is not okay. We need to get sleep. We’re  fooling around too much. We’re too obsessed with each other. We’re sending each other cute, sexy, flirty messages. He sending me flowers note at home.

This is the power of knowing yourself, your shared value. We might get away from this a little bit in the early stages of, postpartum and all of that, but we know our intention is to not lose each other in that storm. Our intention is to come back and do that work that it might take.

I think people hear “relationship work” and it sounds like going to work and it’s so hard, but it’s the work of like tending to a garden, the work of painting a masterpiece. It’s like work that feels good ’cause you care.

August: I love that. I’ve never heard it described that way. I’ve heard people say, you know, it’s not bad if you have to work on your relationship, but that doesn’t take away this like homework feeling of that word. And when you say the masterpiece. It’s, yeah. It’s putting your love and your passion and your intention and co-creating something. 

Madi: And something that feels good to be like, wow. Like look what I did. Right? I didn’t just let that go on autopilot. I played around that. I, and now like I get to behold something so beautiful. 

August: Oh my goodness. What a beautiful message and, role model you are both for folks who hear your story and and also for your kids, you know, to give them that gift of a really connected, passionate, caring couple is pretty amazing. 

Madi: Yeah, we say that lot. That’s to me is like the biggest gift. And I have two boys and so my husband’s like, I want them to see too, like first of all like our relationship, what it gives to them, but also like an example, right? Like this is how you treat women, this is how I treat your mother.

And just setting that example on that connection. And we’re not perfect by any means, but like we are very head over heels in love and that is like the gift of a lifetime. 

August/narration:

When it comes to your own sexuality and relationships, Madi wanted to leave you all with this:

Madi; Pleasure is your birthright. You don’t have to earn it. You don’t have to look a certain way or have life arranged in a certain way. It’s just like Life is allowed to feel good. You’re allowed feel good. And I mean that even if it’s just like taking a nap on a Saturday, like you’re allowed to rest .

You’re allowed to enjoy when things are going well, even when the world is falling down around you. you’re allowed to want dirty talk and to go sex toy shopping, like whatever that pleasure means to you. For you as an individual, but also like it is part of a larger like revolution that we’re in.

It does actually need you in that place of leading with pleasure versus that pressure I mentioned before. Like how would it feel to make decisions for a place of like feeling good and trust and allowing . What would that do to our society if we’re all just making decisions and moving and creating from that place.

August: Yes. Such a different world. And so much more fun than thinking, how do I get rid of the bad stuff?

Madi: Well, that’s it and that’s part of that creation, that co-creation, that orgasmic energy is like. don’t get me wrong, like a lot of stuff is falling down, is burning down as it needs to, but the next step is creation is like the joyful re-imagining. But to do that, we have to create from a new energy.

August/narration:

Madi is offering you all a gift to help you get there: a free month of the moon-based community, CosmicRx+, where you’ll get access to exclusive bonus pods for the new/full moon, a PDF guide to the season full of rituals, card spreads and astrology info plus a live New Moon call once a month. Use the link in the show notes to sign up. Contact her through her website or on Instagram @immadimurphy.

Madi also has an email list and blog you can check out — and takes a few mentees each year. And you’re always welcome to reach out to her.  

Madi: if anything in this sparks something like what I felt when I read that urban Tantra book or heard that girl talk at that moon circle.

If anything here is like, ooh, that feels really resonant or something that I had been like, that’s been tickling my brain, just come on over. I’ll get you, I’ll get you hooked up. Okay.

August/narration:

If you’re enjoying Girl Boner Radio, I’d love it if you’d post a rating or review on your podcast app and share links with your friends. For occasional email updates from me, sign up at the link in the show notes. There you can also join my Patreon for fun episode bonuses. Thanks so much for listening.

Check out Madi’s book, In the Cosmic Zone.