Sex Toys, Spicy Books and Your Fashion Identity

August (narration):

Thien-Kim Lam is the child of Asian American immigrants. Growing up, no one around her talked about sex or sexuality, other than cautioning “don’t get pregnant.” So she had to get all of that information on her own.

Thien-Kim:  

The primary memory I have of learning about sex and just sexuality of pleasure in general was reading romance books, because that’s what I had access to. I read a lot of Harlequin novels and whenever my library has very cis heterosexual, white. At that time, I was a teen. That’s all I had, but I just read everything, even though they were full of euphemisms, like “manhood,” and “his member.” Orgasms were described as like “a butterfly” or “tingle over the body.” I had no idea what any of it meant. I just could not get enough, because that’s all I had. 

August (narration):

There are so many examples of terms romance novels have used to avoid explicit terms. Here are a few more:

Sex has been called “the age-old rhythm” and ‘writhing with burning caresses.” One book said a lover “impaled her on his straining shaft.” Another compared orgasms to “lightning bolts of fulfillment” and “staccato spasms.” That one sounds like a medical condition to me.

Many authors today say they use euphemisms to avoid sounding overly clinical. I’m sure others, especially in years past, were trying to avoid getting banned from book shelves. In either case, when that’s some of the only “sex ed” you have access to, it can get a little confusing. 

Thien-Kim also learned extremely little about sex or pleasure in school.

Thien-Kim:

I was raised Catholic. So we had sex ed classes in our catechism classes, but it was very medical cut and dry, nothing about pleasure. 

August (narration):

Finally, during college, Thien-Kim started to learn a whole lot about her body’s own capacity for pleasure, thanks to an experience with her first sex toy. Before long, those toys became far more than a personal hobby.

Thien-Kim:

I started selling sex toys in my early 20s, because I had discovered them in college. And it blew my mind because I thought, wow, this little bullet is amazing! [laughs] Once I graduated college, I wanted to share this knowledge with other women. Like, nobody tells us any of this and now there are these amazing tools, and so many different kinds, that you can achieve so much pleasure and have fun. And that’s when I knew this was my passion: helping other women find ways to achieve pleasure.

August (narration):

While selling sex toys, Thien-Kim was on her own journey to learn more about the body and pleasure. And as she spoke with fellow women about toys, she noticed common themes.

Thien-Kim:

So many women thought that something was wrong with them, because they couldn’t achieve orgasm through penis-in-vagina sex. Like, that’s what we’re taught. And they were so ashamed, I think, and disappointed in themselves. I helped them and said, “Hey, this is not how our bodies are made. And it’s okay to have other methods of achieving orgasm.” And I think knowing we’re not alone in that makes a big difference.

[a few bars of acoustic music]

August (narration):

Five years ago this past summer, Thien-Kim launched Bawdy Bookworms, a company that curates subscription boxes containing spicy books with sex toys, and welcomes members to an online forum where they can freely chat about their experiences.

Thien-Kim:  

You know, I took a break from romance books, and I got back into them and I had friends who knew that I was educated about sex toys. So they would read these books say, “What are ben wa balls? Is spanking fun?” So I had all of these DMs and essentially I said, you know, we should do something about this. Let’s bring this conversation forward and not keep it secret and feel ashamed about talking about trying out new fantasies and wanting to explore our sexuality this way.

August (narration):

More than anything, Bawdy Bookworms aims to empower women to embrace pleasure, however they define or experience it. In addition to helping countless other women, doing this work has had a huge impact on Thien-Kim’s life, including her relationship to pleasure.

Thien-Kim:

I’m less ashamed about taking time for myself. I’m a mom of two kids, and I love taking long baths. Like I let the water get cold and then let out the water and add more hot water. I’ll stay there for an hour. I used to feel bad like “Oh, I’m not around my family. I’m not giving the time they need.” But we can’t be our best selves if we don’t take that time to reenergize.

August (narration):

If you’re new to sex toys, maybe you’re a little intimidated about where to start or have only really seen depictions of rabbit-style vibrators, Thien-Kim had this advice for choosing your first:

Thien-Kim:  

I would say keep it simple. So the rapid vibrator is intimidating for a lot of people. And a lot of people don’t benefit from that kind of dual stimulation. So I would say find toys, like a bullet, or one that focuses on external stimulation. Because then you can use other parts, not just your vulva.You can use it on your nipples, thighs, like other really sensitive parts. And bu a toy that’s stronger than you think you want, because if you max out your toy, you don’t get there, it’s so frustrating. It’s good to have a few extra levels waiting for you. Yeah, that’s

August (narration):

If you have a vulva and are more of an internal-stimulation person, you might want to ease in—no pun intended—with a modest-size dildo or simple vibrator with multiple speeds, then starting with the lowest speed or even with the vibration turned off.

If you’d like to enjoy Bawdy Bookworms this holiday season or gift it to a loved one, they offer several fun options.

Thien-Kim:

So we offer kits in our shop and they’re all themed and come with a saucy book, where female pleasure is a big focus of the story. 

August (narration):

Right now, they’re offering a special holiday gift box called Kiss-mas Wishes, which comes with a historical romance that’s inspired by the movie, “Home Alone.”

Thien-Kim:

The heroine’s left alone in this big house. Her family all goes away. Nobody knows that they’ve forgotten her. So she gets her into her own trouble.

August (narration):

And just as Thien-Kim breaks down barriers and debunks myths around pleasure, these books do some similar myth-busing, showing that there’s a lot more to romance and erotica than orgasms alone.

Thien-Kim:

Especially this one. The heroine, she wants to open a home for unwed mothers, which is so taboo for the time period. And even though it’s fine, like there’s themes that we can all relate to in the book. 

August (narration):

Thien-Kim has a book of her own coming out soon, too. Her debut novel, Happy Endings, will be released by Avon Books next May.

Thien-Kim:

A lot of it is based on my personal experiences, and the rest of it is fiction. It’s about an interaction couple: a Black man and a Vietnamese American woman, who is also sex toy salesperson. And she runs a soul food restaurant in DC and his neighbors being gentrified, so they need to date they decided they’re going to have a business relationship and have pop up shops together to try to, you know, revive his store and help her with her business. And of course, the chemistry is still there. So sparks fly. 

I’m very excited. And she has a great group of girlfriends. I have always loved books where the women have a supporting cast of girlfriends cheering them on and helping them be amazing. 

August (narration):

If you sign up for her mailing list at thienkimlam.com, you’ll get updates about the book, as well as recipes—she said there’s a lot of sumptuous food in this story. 

If Thien-Kim could leave us all one piece of sexual empowerment advice, she said it would be this:

Thien-Kim  

Experiment. Don’t be afraid to experiment and enjoy the experience. Don’t focus on the end. Don’t make it all about the orgasm, but just the experience of feeling good.

[a few bars of acoustic music]

August (narration):

Nhakia Outland considers herself fortunate to have been raised by a mother who was open and honest about a lot of things related to sexuality. Many of her friends, especially those who are Black or people of color, received far less. At the same time, she was exposed to pervasive myths and stereotypes that affect many Black folks today.

Nhakia:

…such as you can’t wear red lipstick, that’s for hoes; you can’t wear fishnet stockings; your skirt has to be over your knee; don’t go over this relative’s house or don’t wear this coming down the steps, if such-and-such is over the house. So at that time, I didn’t really understand it because I was just like such a free child. I didn’t really understand it until I became older and I started incorporating sex, sexuality, sexual health, even reproductive health, within my own businesses and hearing those stories from clients. And I started looking into myself. I said, wow, before I even go forward and start any business, I need to look into myself, look into my family and understand where it came from. 

My family was very honest with me, and I really appreciate that. But that’s when I learned that we had a history of incest and rapes. All of that, I bring into my business. 

And that’s why I come in with the focus of wanting to center Black people—not only just Black people, but how that intersects with being LGBTQ, how that intersects with being a woman, if that’s how you identify, because I’m not just one identity. All of that plays a factor in how we get sex-ed, how we get reproductive health. 

And I have my own stories and I share a lot of what I went through with reproductive health issues. And a lot of times you see in news articles, oh, that person doesn’t have insurance. Well, I’ve always had private insurance. And I still get it. I still was told these are the only birth control options that I have available to me. Or I wasn’t asked what genders I’m engaging in sex with. They just assumed. 

I started having kids young. I was a teen mom twice. And my kids’ father would accompany me a lot. A lot of doctors would address him—you know, we were Muslim—so they would address him. You know, giving into the stereotype, again, that you have to address the man and stuff like that. But they never asked me, was that okay? 

August (narration):

Many of these experiences play a role in Nhakia’s organizations: Prevention Meets Fashion and her consulting business, Prevention is Key. She told me she chose to focus on clothing with Prevention Meets Fashion because of the messages that dictate what she can and cannot wear as a Black woman and as a Black, queer woman. They’ve been a part of her life for so long. Even people in her own communities, for example, have assigned her titles, such as “femme,” assuming that that’s how she identifies. With Prevention Meets Fashion, Nhakia strives to highlight these assumptions and how damaging they can be, especially for folks in marginalized communities, drawing on her background in social work. 

 

Nhakia said the company has had a slow takeoff and people don’t always grasp the concept at first.

Nhakia:

They get it more from a psychology point of view, because a lot of people do psychology of fashion. And that is why people wear what they wear. I’m not so much interested in why people wear what they wear, but when people wear what they wear, how does that affect their everyday lives? 

So when you’re queer and you go into the office, how does that affect, not only your life and your livelihood, but how does that affect your identity walking in? Is someone going to assume that you’re gay? Is someone going to assume that you’re trans? Is someone going to assume that you’re nonbinary or asexual based off of these stereotypes that the world has constantly gave us throughout the years?

August (narration):  

Pointing out and debunking myths is one of the things I love most about Nkakia’s work with Prevention Meets Fashion. I told her about a friend of mine who so many people presume to be hyper sexual and seductive because of her Latinx heritage and curvy physique—when in fact, she identifies as demisexual or ace demi, meaning she seldom experiences sexual attraction, and when she does, it stems from a strong emotional connection. 

Personally, I’ve taken issue with people assuming that girls, femmes and women should wear pink. The history of pink for girls, blue for boys dates back to the 1940s. Decades before that, in 1928, an article published in the trade publication Earnshaw’s Infants’ Department stated the opposite. Here’s little excerpt: 

“The generally accepted rule is pink for the boys, and blue for the girls. The reason is that pink, being a more decided and stronger color, is more suitable for the boy, while blue, which is more delicate and dainty, is prettier for the girl.” 

I don’t remember when I learned that we were essentially guided toward the idea of gendered colors, but they never felt right to me. Maybe I just don’t like being told what to do? In any case, I avoided wearing pink for some time. 

Nhakia told me she relates to my resistance to pink, earlier on in her life, and to coming back around to embrace it. Recently, she has really reclaimed pink, even making it one of the signature colors of Prevention Meets Fashion, along with black and white. 

Nhakia: 

I sort of wanted to reclaim it, because I’m like, that was dumb. This is what I’ve been holding because someone told me that little girls wear pink. And I didn’t want to be that little girl that wore pink, right? I like blue. Why couldn’t I wear blue? I like black. Why can’t I wear black? Then I was like, you’re not going to a funeral. And that’s when I started learning about different cultures…. Then I started being the smart ass who was like “in this culture they wear white for funerals so maybe I should start wearing white.”

Growing up, I started to educate people. And that was the inner advocate in me, and I didn’t know that until a mentor of mine really brought that out. Also, my grandmother was like, “you need to start playing to your strength. You always had it. You need to play to your strength.”

[a few bars of acoustic music] 

August (narration):

So how do we figure out what we actually want to wear? Societal messaging will always play a role in fashion, and that’s not always a negative thing. Sometimes it’s really positive, such as the trend of comfortable, supportive shoes replacing high heels for many people in recent years. Nhakia’s advice on this is some of the best I’ve ever heard. 

Nhakia:

How you know what to wear is when you put it on and it gives you that feeling. It gives you that feeling of comfortability or whatever feeling that you’re looking for that day. Like yesterday, I had another podcast and I dressed in high waisted cargo, wide-legged pants and a hoodie. That’s how I wanted to present. I wanted to present comfortable. I have anxiety really bad so, I know I needed pockets because it was an in-person event. And I didn’t want people to see me fidgeting or sweating. I needed that comfortability so when I put that on—and I had a million outfits—but when I put that on, I was like this is the one. This is what made me feel good that day. 

The same thing for what you were saying about your friend. Even though they’re ace-demi, when they put on something that stereotypically sexy, maybe that’s what they want to present—sexy—but because asexuality in a community, the stereotype is you can’t feel this way because this is the definition of asexuality, not knowing that it’s on a spectrum, or not wanting to attract the male gaze—we hear that even with little kids: don’t wear this, don’t wear pajamas because it’s going to attract little boys—all these stereotypes that we put back on female identify bodies. We’re in the wrong for dressing the way that we want to dress to make us feel good, to make us feel comfortable. Put on a bunch of different styles and the one that gives you that feeling, wear it!

If you see behind me, you see green, you see yellows, you see multicolor skirts and polka dots and then you see new colors. I will always pair them with my aesthetic, which is comfortability, so a lot of that stuff gets paired with a boot or a sneaker or a flat shoe. 

However you feel, don’t let no one tell you what you can and cannot wear based off of what they think your identity is. You know what your identity is. And identity is like our sexuality. It’s constantly changing. It’s fluid. So I also talk about, how do we find our fashion identity? Because that is another identity that we have.

August (narration):  

Have you ever thought about that? Your fashion identity? That’s generally a tough one for me personally—but now that I know that comfortability can be your aesthetic? Well, I’m all over that. 

Nhakia also talks about fashion as a form of self-care. She told me that, particularly now, during the COVID-19 pandemic, and the ongoing crises of racism and broad-spread drug and alcohol addiction, which have culminated and intensified during these months of isolation and social distancing, fashion is her self care.

Nhakia:

When I was dealing with anxiety around having to comfort my staff and other folks, what comforted me was—I want to say coming home—but coming from downstairs to upstairs to reorganize my closet or my drawers and find stuff that I was like, “Oh, this was lost in my closet. I forgot about this. Do I want to keep this? Or do I want to give this away to someone since I forgot it was totally in there.” That was therapeutic to me to know that I can give this garment a new life. Or I could give it to someone else to give it a new life.

August (narration):

Nhakia’s whole life, personally and professionally, is about helping others—something her grandmother always modeled for her well. If you had a loaf of bread and your neighbors needed half of it, her grandmother would say, “Give it to them. We have more than some people have.”

Nhakia told me she thinks about each item of clothing she purchased very strategically, and they all represent something to her. You could go to her place and point to any item and she could tell you who gifted it to her or when, where and why she bought it.

It seems that her clothing choices have helped shape her identity, just as her grandmother has. And her fashion identity informs her daily life and her advocacy. She pays it all forward with Prevention Meets Fashion. 

Nhakia:

Finding your identity is our main goal. What is your identity? I want to help that little trans girl who is being told, “you can’t wear this.” Why can’t she wear that? And if it’s a safety issue, then let’s create a safety plan with you. So that’s how I incorporate the social work component, but the main thing is, how do you feel when you put this on? Is that safety for you? Because you have multiple safety issues. And I think we don’t talk about that.

August (narration):  

Nhakia is so right about that. I heard from a Girl Boner listener just the other day who said she’s so grateful to be working from home lately, because she can wear the dresses and frilly tops and other clothing she loves that her boss would frown on. She hasn’t come out to them as trans or female, because she’s heard her boss make transphobic comments and she cannot afford to be fired.

When Nhakia was speaking about the emotional significance of each item of her clothing, those she owns and those she’s given away, it reminded me of the face mask my mom sewed for me. It’s my favorite one, partly because it’s the most comfortable mask I own. But recently when I thought I had lost it—and was totally devastated—I realized that the mask meant way more to me than that. I haven’t been able to see my mom in almost a year now, because of the pandemic, and wearing that mask makes me feel like she’s right here with me in some way.

Nhakia told me she has similar experiences that help her feel really close to her grandmother.

Nhakia: 

My grandmother has since passed. She had very wonderful things but I kept her hats, because she often would buy hats for church. Come home and I would see her hot glue stuff or alter it in some type of way. And so I kept them when she passed. And now hat I’ve done is, of course, taken some of the stuff off that she put on there, because it was for church—you know, very flamboyant and that’s wasn’t me. So I would just take them off and make them be for me. Those bring up positive memories a lot, too.

My grandma was a Black, southern, Christian woman. So for her it was hard, especially with my queer identity and my Muslim identity. It was very hard for her but she worked through it. In the end, she loved me for me.

And that is also an experience that others don’t get to experience. You hear so many of these stories of young Black kids being killed because of who they are, by a parent or by someone else. I think that was a big part of me wanting to be part of the organizing in Philly of Say Her Name—to honor Rem’mie Fells, to honor Breonna Taylor, to honor all these Black women who lost their lives to senseless violence. Specifically, you know, LGBTQ Black folks who lose their lives every day and it doesn’t hit the media.

Because you walk down the street and you had on tight jeans, and somebody decided to say “a man shouldn’t wear tight jeans” or “you’re a trans woman, you shouldn’t have breasts.” You don’t know what people are thinking nowadays. And it’s just heartbreaking, because people are people. They’re human. I think people are, more than anything, just afraid that there are people out here that are not afraid to live in their truth. They’re not afraid to show all of their identities. And for some people, that scares them because they don’t know or they haven’t been taught to share and show truly who they are.

August (narration):

Nhakia pointed out that Black people in particular have a long history of showing resistance though fashion. Inspired in part by that history, she decided to launch a social justice and fashion group to talk about these issues—because few people understand how much fashion and activism are intertwined. 

Because Nhakia prizes the connection between sexual health and fashion, I asked her to leave us with her top advice around fashion and sexual wellness.

Nhakia:

I think one of my top tips is sort of what I said earlier, right? Dress for yourself. Don’t dress for anyone else. Of course, if it’s a part of your community, like BDSM, someone might want you to dress up in a certain way. I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about everyday life. You centering yourself, you prioritizing your sexual health within fashion. How do you want yourself to feel? 

My top advice is to also look at the material. Understand materials, because a lot of these materials are doing harm for our sexual and reproductive health. So a lot of materials that are made with a lot of chemicals and we’re putting it on our sensitive parts that could affect us in ways internally that we don’t know until years later. I’m talking about the lawsuits that come out years from now: have you ever used talc powder? They didn’t know that talc powder was going to cause problems. So just pay attention to the garments that you put on. I understand everyone’s income is different and everyone’s not able to afford the hundred percent cotton or the natural fibers that we should be wearing on our body, but just pay attention to what it is doing. 

[a few bars of acoustic music] 

August (narration):

To learn more about fashion and sexual health, particularly in Black, LGBTQIA and nonbinary communities, follow Prevention Meets Fashion on Instagram. Their 4th Annual Condom Fashion Show is approaching—and yes, the clothes are made out of condoms, which they provide—is coming up. The first meeting of the Social Justice and Fashion Group was cancelled due to low registration. So if you’re interested, please consider joining.

To hear the full episode, including the listener question segment with Dr. Megan Fleming on penis size, anal sex and anxiety, stream the episode up above or on your favorite podcast app. Sign up Dr. Megan’s FREE Sex Hacks event, featuring Keneth Play, here!

If you’d like to get turned on or experience more pleasure alone or with a partner, head to thepleasurechest.com to check out their latest specials and their new Pleasure Gift Guide featuring the top toys of 2020.