Sexual Self-Discovery, Body Mapping and Touch Starvation

Tara’s personal journey

August (narration):

Tara Galeano, knows a lot about body mapping and sexual discovery, thanks to two decades of work as a sex therapist and recent epiphanies in her personal life, brought on by crises in her health and her marriage. Everything essentially broke open, allowing her to rediscover connection with her own body—something that wasn’t exactly instilled in her while she was growing up in New York City in the 1970s.

Tara:

I knew from a very early age that sex was taboo. Sex wasn’t even something I should be considering as a young girl. I think I may have been tapped a couple of times because I was masturbating and that was not seen as appropriate. And yet, I remember that my father had pornography magazines. You know the hyper-sexuality that lives within this culture.

I think as I got older there was certainly the overlay of Catholicism and really any doubts in my mind were affirmed. This is absolutely off limits. This is absolutely taboo and it should not even be considered for pleasure. Maybe for procreation or maybe within the context of a union of marriage but certainly not explored individually, prior to marriage, and without a male partner. And so, really fascinating, internalized messages that then become as seamless as the air that we breathe and then thinking that must be the way.

August (narration):

Messages Tara absorbed from her Catholic upbringing influenced her into adulthood—including messages about marriage. She was married to the father of her two children for 25 years when she said her body started to tell her in no uncertain terms that something wasn’t right.

Tara:

I really held to this vow. The vow was very important to me. I had made this vow not only to myself but to this other soul and that we were bound in the heaviness of that and also the sanctity of that and living within that context. And recognizing on some level that my body was saying, “This is such bullshit.” 

My mind overrode it time and time again, until it came to a culmination in December of 2018, where it was so apparently clear that there had been some covert activities on the part of my husband and lies, deceptions. I could not take any more bullshit anymore. 

August (narration):

Tara told me she heard a past guest and I talk about our respective burst appendixes and how disconnected we both were to our bodies at the time, or at least, really good at ignoring it. She told me she really related to those stories, because of what happened next.

Tara:

I went up to a mountain ashram in Colorado on New Year’s Eve and I had appendicitis. That night, I could feel it coming on. I thought it was gas. I didn’t know what it was. It wasn’t so terrible but it was a bit of discomfort, and I couldn’t join in the activities in the way that I wanted. 

So, I just went to bed a bit earlier and then I felt like I was going into labor. It was excruciating pain, and I had no idea what was going on but I knew I needed to be polite, because it was three o’clock in the morning, and I wasn’t going to wake my neighbors up, even though I knew that they were nurses or that they could help me and they had phone coverage and they could call. I couldn’t even call for help. But at five o’clock in the morning that seemed like a reasonable time.

And I cried when they said that I needed surgery, because I really didn’t want to have to undergo that again. It was the best thing. I had this rock star surgeon and she said not only was your appendix perforated this time, so you needed to come in for the appendectomy, but prior to this we can see the scar tissue where it had been perforated. And I thought, oh, yeah, bodies are so amazing. 

So I just was sucking up the bullshit and ignoring it—you know, overriding it—and my body was doing its best to hold things together. The reality was things really needed to blow up. And that’s exactly what happened. Things blew up.

[a few bars of acoustic music]

I have been a sex therapist for the past two decades and a licensed, professional counselor. I was the expert; I was the professional. I always came very reserved to sessions; people didn’t know much about me; I was the blank slate. I was trained in a psychodynamic orientation, very rigid and helpful, but to a very limited extent, I would say. The blessing is that I did have that training. And all of a sudden it occurred to me that I needed that more for my own personal development, and I went on a journey after all of the litigation, which took the better part of last year. 

Goodness, it’s been a new journey. I have been working with pelvic floor specialists like Tammy Kent. I’ve been studying Tantra, which I had studied prior, but more from an academic or professional perspective, even though I had gone to workshop training. Now I have been diving in much deeper. I’ve been working with an energy healer and just profound teachings that I know are coalescing all of the information that I’d had before in an academic, professional way but now it’s real. Like this is real.

[a few bars of acoustic music]

I look back and I see the limitations of what it was that I was doing and how I was doing it, because I wasn’t really showing up embodied in that. Because if I was truly embodied in that, I would have recognized the bullshit and I really would have needed to do something about that a lot sooner than I did. And then recognizing that we all get the lessons that we need in the perfect time and that I needed all of that time. And now I’ve gotten it, and I’ve gotten it so completely, so utterly, that there’s just no turning back. I feel so turned on by this experience and I want to share it with the world and also change the way that I show up in my professional life. 

So, I’m an author and a speaker and a retreat host because the limitations of, I would say, professional counseling are limitations, and the ethical guidelines, and the rules and restrictions and the grievances and all of that. There’s so much more to explore.

August (narration):  

I asked Tara if she experienced any sense of grief initially, when she realized she had this growth work to do—the kind we might feel when we discover something really exciting, such as exploring toys or solo play for the first time. Even if we feel grateful, happy or even ecstatic about the discovery, it’s easy to wonder how life might’ve been different if we’d figured it out it sooner. Tara said not only did she experience that early on, but it comes up continuously. 

Tara:  

And I need to honor it. Sometimes, I don’t have a narrative or storyline about it. It just emerges and I feel it. That was my day yesterday. I was so sad, and I didn’t have any reason to be sad but just feeling it deeply within my soul and recognizing that this is my growth edge. I’m about to go to the next level. That’s stretching me and I’m grieving for who I was, how I’ve been in the world, not that anything was wrong with it. But it’s leaving and it’s changing. 

All about body mapping

August (narration):  

One way Tara encourages others to cultivate similar sexual self-discovery involves body mapping. During her work as a sex therapist, she began working with women who had cancer.

Tara:  

I was amazed by their courage, by their tenacity and really by their strength. 

August (narration):

Tara worked with the women to better embrace their sensual self and sensual pleasure again, after feeling betrayed by their body. 

Tara:

We really needed to look at making gentle steps and bringing things forward in a very simple and small way. We weren’t going to get to multiple orgasms today but we’d get there eventually. It was really about how to find pleasure in their body when they’ve had so much grief and so much trauma in their body and so much objectification by, I would say, the medical community, where they felt like they weren’t honored for who they were but seen as a body. 

So the body mapping was a critical tool for the women to be able to tap into themselves and have an external view of themselves, which helps them understand where there is pleasure and where there is pain in their body. Someone would trace the outline of their body, which is in and of itself a very intimate experience, if you’ve ever had that done, to have somebody trace the nooks and crannies of your body that is intimate, maybe pleasurable, or maybe too sensitive an experience. And so we began with that.

August (narration):  

To start the body mapping process, you lie down on the floor, on top of a large sheet of paper, while someone else traces an outline of your body, usually with a marker. Tara said she likes to use the packing paper you can buy at Staples, because it’s long enough and usually wide enough, too. If you need more width, you can easily tape two pieces together. The important thing, she said, is making sure your entire body fits.

Tara:  

Then, I would have the woman lie on her back and be traced. I think drawing that position feels a little bit easier for them to lie down. Then, if they feel adventurous, they can go for the other side. So, they could have two versions; they could do the backside and then the front side. 

August (narration):

Once your body has been traced, you stand up, observe the drawing and then make it your own. Body mapping can be used for a range of purposes—I’ve heard about their use in eating disorder therapy, for example, with the aim of addressing body image challenges and self-perceptions that don’t match reality. In the context of pleasure and sensuality, you use the image to reflect on and illustrate things like where you like to be touched.

Tara:

And I like to keep the direction simple. So, a red light is don’t touch me here, it’s off limits. A green light is touch me here—I find this pleasurable—and a yellow light is kind of maybe. 

What I discovered is that most of the women who were doing this were artistic masters. They could draw very easily what it was that they were experiencing. They could cut out from magazines and make these decoupage masterpieces with images that express to them what was pleasurable in their body and what was off limits. So I just let them go with whatever it is that worked best for them and their creativity.  

I kept it simple for myself but that was a great map that they were able to create, and then again, have this externalized view. So then they could step into it when it felt comfortable, but also step out of it and see, so they could observe what it is that they had created and recognize that, too, could be changed at some point. So they dated it. 

And then they needed to speak about it in the group. They shared their insights. They shared their observations, and they shared what it is that they learned from this body mapping experience. And they all, by and large, received such encouragement from their peers. All the women were so eager to learn from each other and eager to embrace each other’s experience. It was so beautiful, the community that formed there.

August (narration):

Because the women in these groups were all cancer survivors, they had all had some type of surgery that altered some part of their body. Through body mapping, some learned that certain areas of their body had become off-limits for intimate touch—and those areas often changed over time. So body mapping at different stages turned out to be especially helpful.

Once the women shared their observations with the group, and they received so much support and love in response, they had the opportunity to share their body maps with their partners. While that step was sometimes more difficult, Tara said most of the women embraced it.

Tara:

And so they might share with their partner saying, “I love when you rub my toes,” and their partner—for all of the decades that they’ve been together—may or may not have known that that was something that gave them woman pleasure. Just that little bit of information, because we oftentimes, in so many of our relationships and so much of our life, run on autopilot. That was an opening for a conversation.

Then, if the partner was game, they could do that as well. They could create the body map with each other, where the woman was drawing the outline of her partner and then the discussion could be equal; they can both share about what is pleasurable for them. That’s an opening, especially when most of these women were not having intercourse because of the pain, either real or perceived, by themselves or by their partner.

August (narration):  

Those kinds of conversations can happen without body mapping, of course — talking about what feels good versus doesn’t. But body mapping can heighten self-awareness and make those conversations a lot more feasible. 

Tara:  

When we’re able to externalize the image, it becomes easier to observe and absorb so we can take in the information a little bit easier. It’s not so personalized and it’s not so embodied. 

What I also find is that because these women that I began this process with had had cancer, had identified that they’ve had trauma in their body, that the felt sensations were sometimes more difficult to access. 

August (narration):

One example Tara gave was numbness you might experience after a trauma or surgery. Many of the women in her groups considered that a lack of sensation, and therefore not worth mentioning. Tara sees that numbness differently. 

Tara:

I see that as the opening. And that is the beginning of sensation, that there is a numbness there. When we come into the body and feel the sensations, it’s a much different level of assessment, of evaluation, and also of identifying. That skill is actually sometimes more difficult, if you’ve had trauma in the body.

August (narration):  

All of this work through body mapping can really pave the way to restored arousal, sexual self confidence and more pleasure—potentially more than you’ve ever experienced before. Much of this is due to neuroplasticity, Tara said, which is the brain’s ability to grow, change, and create new connections. The brain literally deletes neural connections it no longer needs and strengthens the necessary ones, sort of like deleting old files on your computer to make room for newly updated ones you most want to use.

Tara has seen this unfold in pretty spectacular ways.

Tara:  

They begin to see that they can, when they desire, cultivate erogenous zones that may not have existed at the date of the body mapping. So when they identify that erogenous zones that they had had prior to cancer, prior to surgery, no longer exist in their body in the way that it had, they feel the loss, they feel the grief. And then the desire, oftentimes, is for more pleasure and then how do they experience that. So, they’re able to cultivate that. It’s a slow journey, it is a process, and it’s one of commitment and ongoing exploration and curiosity. And yet when they hold that inspiration and aspiration in their heart, and that intention, they move forward in that. 

August (narration):

Tara told me she’s witnessed so many people’s beautiful stories of ways they’ve come into union with another person because they were able to allow themselves more pleasure, without feeling constricted or shut down.

One woman Tara worked with had colorectal cancer that really impacted her vagina, so vaginal intercourse with her husband stopped the moment she had surgery. 

Tara:

And they had tried at one point. It was unsuccessful and they were embarrassed and they didn’t even have the words to speak about it. 

But through the process of the body mapping and other activities that are in the Rediscovering My Body program, they were able to work towards a connection that was satisfying and intimate. She wrote me and said they went away for a romantic weekend. They had the kinkiest, wildest, most fun that they’ve had in years and they’d been married for decades. I think just infusing the relationship with pleasure, fun and laughter really heightened arousal for both of them. It was just mind blowing.

August (narration):  

If you’re wondering if you can give body mapping a try on your own, without a therapist or group therapy format, Tara feels the answer is yes. 

Tara:  

I’m all about people finding tools that work for them that they can do in the privacy of their own home. I love to see clients. I think coming to a sex therapist is a very brave activity. And then I meet people who I know are very well educated and very intelligent who say that it never would have occurred to them to have called a sex therapist for some of their issues or it never would have occurred to them that somebody does that as a profession, as a sex therapist. 

So I get that there’s still, in this day and age, the aversion or the layer of discomfort in reaching out. I think there’s certainly things that we can do within our own homes that fulfill that, that kind of stretch us beyond our comfort zone, yet keep us also within that, like the body mapping. So can you do this by yourself? Yeah. Can you do this with a partner? Absolutely, yes. That’s even a bit edgier. Can you do this with a community of friends? Absolutely. Maybe that’s a little bit less edgy and that’s great. You know, there’s options in terms of doing this work.

August (narration):  

To take her messages further, Tara wrote a book called Rediscovering My Body. It’s based on a class she created with the same name and focuses on sexual enlivening, healing and self-love.

Tara:  

And it’s an homage to the women that I began working with who had cancer. What I noticed is that all women seem to have asked, in some way, for this work, because they’ve gone through menopause or they’ve just been pregnant or a relationship ended. The opportunity for them to begin referencing themselves and listening to themselves has emerged. And within that, I offer activities and exercises. 

So it’s really a guidebook. It’s not a lot of text, because I want people to become engaged. This is a pathway forward that enables one to become the expert on themselves, because we all are the experts on ourselves. I’m just a guide, facilitating the process.

August (narration):  

Tara also empathizes with these challenges and knows this process from the inside out. And working with fellow women seems to have impacted her life as much as her self-work has.

Tara:  

It’s been very humbling. I feel so connected to my sisters, in a way that I had not before. I think I wore a cloak of expert and now I no longer wear that. 

So this work going forward is really about cultivating community, feeling for my sisters and knowing there’s so much more for each of us when women are fully embodied and recognize this vessel as home. That there is so much power there that we are able to co-create with the Universe in ways that are beyond our wildest dreams.

August (narration):

Learn more about Tara Galliano at rediscoveringmybody.com or the link in the show notes. There you can also click to join the new Girl Boner Radio Patreon community. For as little as $2 or $5 a month you can get fun extras, such as access to the exclusive feed, bonus content, entries into prize drawings and more. If you believe in this work and my mission or want to have more Girl Boner fun, I hope you’ll join us! As always, all genders are welcome. This week I’m excited to send a prize box to our first winner, Heidi M. Big congrats, Heidi! 

[acoustic guitar strum]

How to manage touch starvation with Dr. Megan Fleming

August (narration):

Someone recently asked me if Dr. Megan and I had thoughts on touch starvation, also known as skin hunger. If you’re not familiar, touch starvation happens when a person experiences little or no touch of any kind from other living beings. This can happen for a huge range of reasons, but the pandemic has definitely increased its prevalence. 

Research points to a bunch of adverse effects of touch starvation, such as: anxiety, depressed moods, sleep difficulties, heightened stress, and a tendency to avoid secure attachments. Thankfully, there are effective ways to manage these challenges. I asked Dr. Megan Fleming to share a few tips for doing so.

Dr. Megan:

If you think about it, physical contact and touch is our first language. And it’s one of our five senses. It’s something that we sort of develop awareness of in utero. In fact, we also know in utero, we start to stimulate ourselves, in sense masturbate, because we’re learning at a very young age ultimately what feels good.  

I have a number of clients who live alone and really are feeling cut off from even the most basic of human needs. What I hear consistently is “I miss hugs.” People miss just being affectionately touched and hugged. And so I think it’s important to recognize that there are profound effects when we lose touch. Touch reduces both stress and anxiety. It sort of calms our nervous system. With the extended hug that 20 or 30-second hug, we know that that releases oxytocin, which is that feel-good, cuddle hormone that also sort of boosts our empathy, trust, and generosity, all of things that are we definitely needing right now, in our communities and individually.  

If you don’t have a person right now for safety reasons that you feel like you can get that contact with, I’m going to share with you some practical strategies and things that sort of mimmic that sensation to really allow yourself to receive the feeling of touch. So that’s everything from petting a dog or a cat, giving yourself a scalp massage, and doing cardio to relieve any stress and tension in the body, lifting weights, dancing. Of course, an all time favorite masturbation and self pleasuring. Even those weighted blankets or a large stuffed animal. I know that I’m getting one for both my daughter and son for the holiday season, because there’s just something so amazingly cuddly about something that you can hold on to. I’ve even heard about clothes that you wear, it could be silk or satin, something feels good against your skin, or snuggling up with a heating blanket or a heating pad to receive that sense of warmth.

Even when you’re not with someone, there are ways you can give yourself that sense of touch so that you know that you’re not alone and that you’re getting that sense of “everything’s going to be okay.” We all know that the vaccine is happening. It may take a while, but there is the light at the end of the tunnel. But in the meantime, acknowledge that skin hunger is real and think about all the ways in which you can get those needs met for yourself.

August (narration):

Thanks so much, Dr. Megan. I loved all of those tips, and I hope you are all taking best care. If you’re enjoying the show, please hit subscribe if you haven’t and leave us a rating and review. And again, I hope to see you on Patreon. Thank you so much for listening and have a beautiful Girl Boner embracing week