I received a great question from a listener named Tessa the other week, which boiled down to this: How do you hit on a guy (or anyone) who seems out of your league? In this case, it’s a trainer at her gym who she only knows in a he-teaches-her-classes capacity.
It made me wonder what “out of your league,” a term we’ve probably all applied to a potential partner at some point, actually means. Given that we human-folk tend to put people we’re attracted to up on pedestals, most anyone we wish to connect with could theoretically seem too good, too hot, too smart or too fill-in-the-blank for us. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, as long as we don’t let it hold us back or let self-doubt win.
I loved Tessa’s her boldness. She said that while she feared rejection and making a fool of herself, she’s tired of fear holding her back in life. In other words, she’s set on going for it! (GO, TESSA!)
As I told her in my reply and the latest Girl Boner Radio episode, taking these kinds of leaps can benefit us in ways that go beyond any particular hottie. Every person and situation varies, but if you’re thinking of hitting on someone who seems out of your league, one or more of the following suggestions may help.
How to Hit on a Guy Who Seems Out of Your League
Start a conversation, especially if you’ve barely chatted with each other yet. What if you’ve had your sights set on a guy who’s not as suited to you (or as seemingly league-superior) as you think? Aiming to get to know a person, and vice versa, is my favorite way to start any relationship.
Consider the best and worst case scenarios.
Best case? You two are kindred soul mates or the best hookup of your life. (WHOOP WHOOP!) Worst case? You flatter the guy and can move forward knowing you went for it. If he’s a douche about it, trust me: he’s not worth your time and energy.
Make a move with clear intentions in mind.
Once you’re ready to make a move, go for it! This, of course, requires knowing your intentions. Are you looking for a hookup? A date? A friendship that may lead to more? A potential spouse? (Okay, one step at a time, but you get the point!) Then there are so many ways to hit on someone, from flat-out asking or casually mentioning an event you’d love company at to slipping them a flirty note or text.
Flirt your way to an invite.
When I asked my friend Edgar, a personal trainer, teacher and former marine, what he’d advise Tessa, he suggested starting subtly to allow the guy to ask you out. “The most obvious and common sign any woman can do is smile,” he said. “A flirt goes a long way and I believe that a lot of guys enjoy that, when they see a woman who gives him a little bit of attention.”
If your style is bold and blunt, be both! If you’re subtler, stick with that, while still aiming for clarity. I loved what Brett McGinn of Love Fucking Sucks shared about authenticity when making flirtatious moves. During our Girl Boner chat last week, the self-proclaimed hopeless romantic who “sucks at love” in his own life but rather rocks at helping others with theirs (he’s a pro!) said:
“It sounds so cliche but you have to be yourself, because you see so many people in life in general being who they think others want them to be, and before they know it they end up in a dissatisfying relationship because they don’t even know the true genuine version of each other. Be confident and love yourself.”
Know your worth and strut your stuff!
None of us are confident 100 percent of the time, and some amount of shakiness is natural and even positive when you’re gearing up to ask someone out. If you didn’t care, would you be nervous? Flutters speak of your giddiness and heart. Just you don’t want to let those butterflies take over.
When I asked Dr. Megan Fleming to weigh in for Tessa she said confidence isn’t only key, but sexy. “Get grounded in feeling your best, sexiest self and recognizing all that you have to offer,” she said. “You’re the only you…and you really do have something to offer. So really connect with that truth. Shoulders back and with confidence in your tone and your expression, start the conversation.”
For more ideas plus awesomeness from Brett on his unique first experience with (unofficial) sex ed, his adolescent struggle with anorexia, ways to heal from breakups and more, stream our chat below or download the episode on iTunes, iHeartRadio, GooglePlay or Stitcher Radio. It’s a goodie!
To learn more from Brett McGinn, contact him via his website: LoveFuckingSucks.com. Find him on Instagram here: @lovefucking.sucks.
What “first move” has gone well, or not so well, for you? How do you move past feelings of “he/she/they are out of my league?” I love hearing from you!
Scott L Vannatter says
Thanks for interviewing a guy! That’s so very cool.
I liked the advice and will think them through even more.
I have become much more direct, open, and honest since I came out about my involvement in BDSM. It has changed me all over and I am happier and more satisfied with life in general.
Being direct, being open, being honest, and being yourself is really the key to a happy life in general.
I don’t have to worry about lies or what story I am working under…I am just me!
Deep Singhaniya says
This is Really a Beautiful Post. Thanks for writing about this extremely important issue.