Ah, romance. There is little like that punch-drunk falling-for-someone feeling. The typhoon of brain chemicals can feel magical, but it can also make us sliiightly irrational. There’s even research to prove it. One study, conducted at the University of London, showed that when you’re looking at someone you’re passionate about, the part of your brain responsible for reasoning and negative feelings becomes less active.
Add the fact that early on, you’re likely getting to know a stranger, who brings along loads of experiences, quirks and behaviors you’ve yet to discover, and the start of any relationship can be quite the adventure.
When the adventure goes well, it can lead to an even grander one—HOORAY! But I think most of us who’ve dated more than a few folks have wished we could make like those old Choose Your Own Adventure books, and flip to another page at some point.
Yesterday I had a blast chatting with the very funny and engaging Ralph Sutton about new relationships gone really, really wrong, and why he feels the 3-month rule is a keeper. (Don’t worry, it’s not creepy like Steve Harvey’s 90-day sex rule.)
Check out our chat on iTunes or below! You’ll also hear Dr. Megan‘s thoughts for a listener, who recently discovered that her boyfriend has been lying about his name and age.
Have a dating-gone-wrong story to share? Or a Q for me and Dr. Megan? Share away below or using the confidential contact form. I love hearing from you.
Aurora Jean Alexander says
This was very interesting, August.
And of course you know I have been dating a man who proposed to me – but conveniently forgot to tell me he was already married.
I later on found out he hasn’t only cheated on his wife with me but with at least 5 or 6 other women – to the same time.
And he endangered each of us.
Thank God this is over now – but it was an experience I never had thought I’d make. Not only painful, but also outrageous!
Vincent Brennan says
Beauty? Well not really.
I am a 64 year old man. I came here because since I was 13-14 I tried to find EVERYTHING I could about sex from the female point of view. Why? So that when it became my turn I would not be a complete idiot! I have always felt that it is important to ME that I do everything I can to make my partner happy, satisfied, hopefully amazed (especially the first time with a new partner) with what we have done together. I suppose I have always put women on pedestals and I know that is not always a good thing but if I make a mistake I want it to be out of respecting too much than not enough.
I try to explain this to others (especially men) that even if I was doing it from a selfish point of view if I make her very happy she is more likely to come back for more right? I am not being selfish but that is all some people can relate to. One of my good friends used to say “That is bullshit. She started the same time I did so if she does not get there when I do it is her problem!!” Very sad.
Now for what I came here for……..Thankfully I have been lucky the last two years two have two amazing young ladies in my life that enjoy discussing all this as I still try to learn. One is 32 and the other is 41 both are beautiful. Now the sad part. Both have been raped more than once. Both started having “all the way” sex at 13. I am extremely worried about both but for now let’s stay with the 32 year old. She married her “friend” that she has known since she was 15. Going back that far he got her pregnant when he KNEW she was not using birth control and she asked him to “pull out”. He purposely did not. She had an abortion that she is still ashamed of and will only mention to me and that rarely. He cheated on her while engaged and denied it for 10 years even though she knew and kept asking every so often and it has been confirmed by the other girl. He drove her away from him accusing her of a pill addiction she does not have but he could use to control her (he even told the managers where she worked ending those jobs). They have been “Separated” for 1 1/2 years with occasional hook ups where he TWICE did not pull out (she is not having sex with him now and is on the pill). I tell her he is trying to control her and “marking property”. I was listening to your latest podcast and the man on it was saying on your show how unhealthy it is to “go though your partners stuff to find out information”. He has been going through her texts (the account for cells are in his name). SO MANY RED FLAGS AND THIS IS THE TIP OF THE BERG!!
He drove her away and into the arms of a young man that used to be my friend. I first saw her in nude photos he took with out her permission. I asked how he got them and he almost bragged that she did not know. I’ll be honest I like nudes of real women as much as anyone but not like this. I only saw, or remember one, as my mind was racing about how wrong this was. A beautiful girl (she looked more like 18 than 30) was now dating my soon to be ex friend. Separate from her I found out he was a liar and thief. Then I found out he has been a serial rapist legally in this state (never caught or prosecuted) by getting young women too drunk to make good decisions. When I confronted him with this he did not even deny it but said “That is why I do not go to bars anymore” meaning he could not control this.
Then, by accident, she found out he was spending many hours on the “fuck sites” using them to find girls to do this with and cheating on my young friend. One of the girls later told him she had clymidia…… she is so ashamed she can not, will not, tell me if she got it but confided in a mutual friend that she probably did and was going for a test. Legally he has raped her twice but when I try to talk to her she gets very upset and says “I have been really raped 3 times and this is as much my fault as his. I should not have put myself in this position”. I think you know this is not right. Their FIRST sex act was with out consent. While cuddling she became sleepy and he “slipped it in”….his words. I should not say this but I want to kill the SOB but I won’t. Again she takes “half the blame”.
I have been doing every thing I can think of to pry her away from him but every time we get close her soon to be ex husband does something that makes her run to this asshole I used to call a friend. She seems to get stronger every week and she says that is because of what I have done for her but it is hell still. He seems to have this very strong “hold” on her that is very hard to break. I could go on and on but it would be more of the same just MORE!
Let me be clear about our relationship. We love each other dearly but it is platonic yet very attracted. It took two weeks two years ago this month to become extremely close. In a moment of weakness she asked about her and I proceeding with a more permanent relationship but she is extremely smart (recently graduated from Law School) and accepted my reasoning why that would be a bad idea (that was hard for me but but just has to be). Her and I have a saying that has actually brought tears to us both: “Right person, Wrong time!”
Lastly I am convinced part of her weakness is DUE to the rapes and abuse which she rejects out of hand. Years ago she saw a shrink and at that time he told her she was dealing well with it so to her she is. Unfortunately I feel she is not because I lost the love of my life, my first wife and 27 year long love to, mostly, her latent reaction to her father trying very hard to repeatedly molest her when she was an over developed 12 year old. To this day she can not live with any man. She was extremely strong, loving, supportive mother and wife yet her demons came between us and now ANY relationship.
I recently got Gift of Fear for my young friend but I doubt she will read it. I know this is long and crazy but I am struggling and I have always been very good at helping people especially women. I refuse to give up on her. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Of course, you are right. Wonderful when it works and OMG when it doesn’t. I complicate it in my life as I, basically, use the online dating services of 2 sites to look. I have written, finally, what I consider a very good profile with all truth in it. I don’t like lying; it is a waste of time. My pics are fairly recent and I will up date them when the 2-year mark I have as my limit passes.
However, I know that most people on dating sites, at least, stretch the truth about themselves on the profiles and in the pics.
I have had many dates go wrong, mostly, because the person involved posted pics that were over 5 years younger than they were. This led to distrust and upset. I wonder just what is wrong with the woman if she can’t even post pics that show how she looks now.
That’s the real biggie. I even had one woman post her early 20s pic when she was 60!
The flip side of that seems to be that most women expect men to lie on their profiles, so when I tell the truth, I am, a lot, not believed. This can be rough. People read so much into something I write that it’s difficult to get anyone to notice. Plus. so many are out for money, status, and being taken care of, it’s hard to have a pretty normal income (or lower) and attract anyone. I am not bitter. I enjoy the company of younger women and have had several who have met me and we have had a wonderful time. I don’t restrict myself to younger. I have a wide age range and, many times, just want to talk and enjoy the company. But, again, you are right – it is difficult in today’s world. It just seems bad that people can’t accept what you write and who you are. I understand it; I just don’t like it.