Passionate Monogamy: It’s Not an Oxymoron

Ever notice that the words monogamy and monotony are close to identical?

No, that wasn’t the start of a joke, though it sure sounds like one! You know, the kind that pokes fun at the blasé nature of longterm partnerships, especially when it comes to sex.

I get why such jokes are relatable to many, and if you’re among those folks, there’s no reason to feel ashamed. But monogamy doesn’t have to equal monotony—especially if you and your partner desire and commit to more. And even the mundane parts can bring groovy perks.

The other week, I had a blast exploring passionate monogamy with fabulous sex and relationship coach Kait Scalisi, MPH. Catch the full episode on iTunes or below! In the meantime, here are a few of my favorite takeaways.

Consciously defining monogamy is powerful.

If you aren’t sure what monogamy means to you and your partner, how can you be sure you’ll respect and maintain it?

There is no one definition that works for every monogamy-seeker. For some folks, the only boundary is no physical intimacy or sex with anyone outside of the relationship. For others, it involves no flirting with others, no watching porn or no emotional intimacy with someone of the opposite or same sex or gender—orientation and identity depending—outside of the relationship.

Keep in mind that no definition is superior or “right” for everyone. What matters is discovering what works well for you and your partner. Ideally, you’ll keep that conversation open, checking in along the way, in case either or both of you find yourself desiring an adjusted definition.

“[Monogamy] is ever evolving,” Kait shared, “and part of the passionate side of keeping it hot and sexy for you and your partner is defining that for yourself consciously.”

“Boring sex” can be awesome!

Wait. What’s passionate about same-old-same-old??? Potentially, a whole lot.

“I like to say that boring sex can be amazing, because it does reflect a level of intimacy,” Kait said. “It’s that sex where it’s practically scripted… It’s really beautiful because you know how deeply you know each other.”

Amen, sister! It can be hot, extra orgasmic and even time-saving to be with someone who knows your body and turn-ons, and vice versa. More than mere sex, you can make love to a whole person with whom you’ve shared history, without having to guess at what works.

You don’t need to go to great lengths to shake things up.

As Dr. Megan pointed out in the episode, the initial punch-drunk, falling-in-love, super-high-on-brain-chemicals period is supposed to end. That doesn’t mean, however, that you can’t perpetually experience sparks.

Research shows that new experiences boost levels of those brain chemicals, even decades into a relationship. To kick up the excitement factor, consider shifts, sexually and otherwise—keeping in mind that even modest changes can go far.

“I’m about really practical tips,” said Kait, who works with many women who lead rich, full lives, and don’t necessarily have time to invest hours or days into a relationship revamp.

“What are some simple tweaks you’re already doing that you can easily add in?” She suggests asking yourselves, then act on an answer.

Modify a sex position you love, for example, or bring a new toy into the mix. Beyond the bedroom, try a new restaurant or catch a live show when you’d usually Netflix-and-Chill. The possibilities are endless.

Cultivate passion in your own life and your relationship, and your #GirlBoner will benefit! And don’t forget to savor the heck out of the comfort even the repetitive parts bring. Your relationship may not feel like a rom-com 24/7 (whose does???), but there should be no shame—only splendor—in loving the life you’ve made.

Listen to the episode on iTunes or here: